The good news: I* will be appearing on CNN’s American Morning tomorrow (they tell me around 8 a.m. EST, though that’s subject to change at 8:24 EST, as long as nothing gets changed and nothing more newsworthy happens to bump us before tomorrow) to discuss the United thing.
*ETA: Because apparently SOMETHING ALWAYS HAS TO HAPPEN WITH THESE THINGS, we just got word from the producer that they only want one person. So this time, it’ll be me. Sigh.
The bad news [which seems like much less of an issue after the above edit]: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO WEAR.
I made an emergency trip to Vive la Femme yesterday, where owner Stephanie, Redskew designer Amanda, and an awesome employee whose name I missed (sorry!) were trying to serve a ridiculous crowd brought in by warm weather and a “Buy something, get something else for a buck” sale. Somehow, they did manage to help everyone and hold my hand while I tried to find something to wear on TV. Which is why having a local plus size boutique is still better than all the online options in the world.
I may or may not have found something to wear there. Got a purple, empire-waist dress with a deep V neckline that requires a cami. Fortunately, I have a lighter purple cami that works with it and entirely covers my cleavage. Unfortunately, Al looked at me in that and said, “Do you really want everyone in America staring at your boobs?” Me: “But they’re totally covered!” Al: “Yeah, but… OMG BOOBS.” So I put on a much more demure, adorable purple-on-white plaid short-sleeved jacket from Vive’s “cheap and chic” collection, and go, “There. Boobs are hidden!” And Al makes a face and says, “Yeah, but… it’s just a little too State Fair hobo clown for me.” THANKS FOR ALL YOUR HELP, HONEY.
Anyway. Point of this post is not to whine about my wardrobe issues. The Vive trip was, strictly speaking, unnecessary, as I already own a lot of clothes that could work, and I have all day to try them on (and have Al tell me why they look terrible) — so I’ll figure something out by tomorrow. The point of this post is to whine about fashion advice — and not just the kind that comes from my darling husband.
I have been looking around for tips on what to wear (or not wear) on TV since Friday afternoon, and here’s what I have learned:
- Red is bad
- Pink is bad
- Black is bad
- White is bad
- Red is good
- Black is good
- Shiny is good
- Matte is best — no shiny
- Solid colors only
- Solids are boring, and bold prints look great
- Dark colors are best
- Bright colors are best
- Blue and green are good
- Small prints are bad
- Small prints are fine as long as there’s no blue or green in them
- Too green a green is bad.
- Keep accessories to a minimum
- Keep your clothing conservative and jazz it up with funky accessories
- Wear whatever you like and don’t stress about it!
By far the most helpful advice I got, from someone who’s made multiple TV appearances in the last couple of years, was, “Wear anything you want – TV is so high quality these days nothing looks bad.” That makes sense and actually helps me feel less stressed out, unlike well-meaning exhortations not to stress out that follow a load of do’s and don’ts.
But I couldn’t let all that contradictory advice pass without comment. Where the hell do we pick up these “rules”? The majority of people offering these opinions have never been on TV — they just heard this stuff somewhere. Those who have been on TV have heard different things. The one consistent thing is that everyone agrees there are rules, and if you break them, you will look terrible, no one will take you seriously, and you will probably die in a freak accident on the way home from the studio because THE UNIVERSE DOES NOT APPROVE OF WHAT YOU WORE.
Possibly, I embellish. But still.
And OK, I just left the computer for hours, and now I’m back and totally unmotivated to finish this post. I was going to turn it into a long, thoughtful thing about how this just points up the ridiculousness of fashion rules in general, specifically discussing all the “Here’s how to look smaller/more hourglassy” rules that are thrown at fatties all the time. But then, um, the day got away from me, and now I am just too tired and distracted to do that. So I will tell you to go read the Fatshionista archives instead, maybe starting with Lesley’s In Defense of Trapeze Dresses post. And discuss in comments, because I know you will say all the smart things I can’t quite get from by brain to the keyboard just now.
Also, I am probably going to wear green. Or purple. Or royal blue. Or turquoise. I have no fucking idea.