That’s the title of a list of handy tips from Cosmo, sent to me earlier this week by reader Maggie. Cosmo offers the usual “If you really want to eat X, try Y instead! It’s exactly the same thing except for how it doesn’t taste as good or fill you up, but THINK OF HOW VIRTUOUS YOU’LL FEEL!” advice.
Since you’ve all read that article a thousand times before — alongside a million other helpful diet tips — I’d like to offer you an alternative. Let’s call it “How to Eat Like a Normal Human Being on Thanksgiving (But Without the Guilt).”
- Eat whatever you want. You’re a grown-up, and it’s your fucking stomach.
- Enjoy your food.
- Stop eating when you’re full.
- If you don’t manage to stop eating when you’re full, don’t worry about it. Nobody does on Thanksgiving.
- Do not feel guilty about any of the above. You’re a grown-up, and it’s your fucking stomach.
Follow those simple rules, and presto! You’ll have enjoyed a feast day without guilt! Cosmo‘s instructions run three pages, but I just told you how to do the same thing in about 50 words. And when I’m the one who can get a point across more efficiently than… well, any other writer alive, you know there’s something wrong with that other article.
Happy Thanksgiving, if you’re celebrating. If you’re not, please feel free to apply those rules to whatever you eat today anyway. Especially 1 and 5.