DAVID HASSELHOFF: So this is your first time on the show, A Sarah. What are you going to do for us?
A SARAH: Well, um, I’m actually singing a song parody that I wrote by request for this occasion.
(All three judges look pained)
PIERS MORGAN: You say it’s a song parody?
A SARAH: Yes.
DAVID HASSELHOFF: And of what song is it a parody?
A SARAH: “Rubber Duckie” from Sesame Street. (long pause) And, um, my version is called “Sloppy Mommy.”
SHARON OSBOURNE: “Sloppy…. Mommy?”
(All three judges look even more pained. Audience snickers.)
DAVID HASSELHOFF: (sighs) Okay, let’s hear what you’ve got.
Sloppy mommy, you’re someone
Of whom stylish folks make fun
But, sloppy mommy, I’m awfully fond of you…
‘Cause, sloppy mommy, there’s no chance
That big tees and yoga pants
Will get ruined by spit-up or snot or poo!
Oh, every day when you feel bad for not preening
Just think of what you’re saving on beauty crap and drycleaning…
JUDGES (in unison): THANK YOU! THAT’S ENOUGH!
NICK CANNON: Judges? Your thoughts?
PIERS MORGAN: I’ll start. Where to begin? I mean, look, it’s clear that you got your ideas for this whole setup – the America’s Got Talent Spoof AND the “Rubber Duckie” spoof — from other people: Kate Harding in the first instance, and Miss Prism in the second.
SHARON OSBOURNE: I agree. And what’s more, I don’t even think you watch this show. I think you had to go on YouTube and Wikipedia just to get up to speed on who the judges even are and how this show works. You don’t even know the order in which we three usually talk. Plus, where’s your picture? You could have put your monster in until your icon’s ready. Learn to internet!
(audience makes obscene gestures)
DAVID HASSELHOFF: Absolutely. Furthermore, it’s clear that you had us cut you off quickly because you hadn’t gotten very far into the Rubber Duckie parody, and couldn’t think of a good rhyme for “drycleaning.”
SHARON OSBOURNE: Now, on that note, David – I do give A Sarah credit for being meta in this section; but that will only take you so far in the blogging business.
(audience boos and throws rotting produce, shoes, and anvils. A Sarah exits the stage.)
NICK CANNON: Well, it looks like A Sarah won’t be winning any million dollars. Fortunately, the Fatosphere’s got loads of other talent and cultural savvy. Up next, we’ll be seeing M. Leblanc, who blogs over at Bitch Ph.D. Her new Cover Fridays feature has audiences there oohing and aahing over her mad mixing skillz.
After that, we’ve got Tari, who has, sources say, been doing some recording recently AND JUST HAD A BIRTHDAY LAST WEEK!
Shapelings, do you have someone you’d like to see on “The Fatosphere’s Got Talent”? Someone with talent in art, music, writing, etc. Or are you yourself an undiscovered talent in the Fatosphere? Text your nominations by linking to them/yourself in the comments!