Miscellaneous, Sweet Machine

Surprising paths to Shapely Prose

WordPress lets us see what Google searches lead the most people here each day. Most of the time these are variations on or misspellings of “kate harding,” “shapely prose” (we get rather a lot of “shapley prose” searches), “bmi project,” and the like. Every now and then there’s something… different, like today:

why do women think a man’s cock is gross

I can’t imagine where we’ve answered this question here. But confidentially to the three people who found us this way (or the one person who found us three times?), either you’re showing your cock to the wrong women, or you should bathe more strategically.

85 thoughts on “Surprising paths to Shapely Prose”

  1. I’m a longtime lurker and can’t believe I’m delurking for this, but that is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read–especially the fact that not one, but THREE people found the site that way? Hilarious.

  2. Oooh! Oooh! I know the answer! It is because they aren’t donuts of a certain baby-flavouredness.

  3. I just lol’d my fat out loud at work. The question is, do they think his cock is gross after having met it personally, or do they think cocks in general are gross and apply that generalization to his? In the second case, I’d say he should encourage his peers to use more soap and less Axe.

  4. Aaaah bathe more strategically. Sage advice. Really fantastic, especially since you got me laughing early in the morning when I would rather be sleeping. Also fantastic? I’m de-lurking too, GingerCat :D

  5. I wonder if we can get HHS to do a Small Steps ad on this rather than fat-hating?

    1. Threw away the Axe.
    2. Practiced strategic bathing.
    3. Improved the reputation of cocks everywhere.

  6. Geez, I dunno what this person (or persons) is (are) thinking. In general, I think a man’s cock is pretty hot. You know, when the cock belongs to a consenting adult partner, there are any number of things about it that are just plain awesome.

    I generally only feel they’re un-hot within certain contexts. For example, when someone is showing one to me uninvited. Which, sadly, has happened to me before.

    This really is a good one. Next, I want someone to find SP because they were doing a search for why men don’t paint hippos purple.

  7. Hm. Generally for me, if the man is gross, the cock is a foregone conclusion. No need to see it, and certainly no need to smell it. *retch*

    The washing of the pants and the underwear are also important strategic cock-friendlisizers. And a trim every once in awhile can’t hurt.

    Also, LOLZ.

  8. As funny as this is, it’s a little creepy to me that Google will tell you what people are searching for. It shouldn’t be saving that information. Eek.

  9. Cocks are also less gross by a significant margin when they aren’t attached to jerks.

    (I very nearly said “when they aren’t attached to assholes”, but… I suspect someone would comment on the bizarre anatomical arrangement that would require. ;) )

  10. Well, Liza, it doesn’t tell you anything about *who* searched for it — just what search terms led to hits on your blog. And I misspoke: it’s actually not just Google, it’s WordPress collating “Search Engine Terms.” It’s basically a list of phrases with a number next to it, nothing more sinister than that.

  11. And a trim every once in awhile can’t hurt.

    Dock your cock, fellas!

    especially the fact that not one, but THREE people found the site that way?

    I’m not 100% sure how WordPress treats search terms wrt hits vs. pageviews, but it’s possible that one person found the site this way and looked at three pages. The other way is much funnier though.

    (I kinda like Axe.)

  12. Certain Axe scents, used in moderation and not as a substitute for actual bathing, are fine. But alas, too many guys did not get this memo.

  13. but it’s possible that one person found the site this way and looked at three pages. The other way is much funnier though.

    I thought of that but prefer to stick with the funnier hypothesis. :-)

  14. Is it bad that I now want to google that phrase and see where I end up? Besides here, of course… I will have to wait until I get home, though, as I suspect those sites may be NSFW.

  15. p.s. If you do google “Axe,” googling “Axe scent” instead of “Axe penis” will get you the intended result…

  16. Well, objectively, they ARE pretty funny looking. So are vulvas for that matter. If a person’s main thought is of the aesthetics of your anatomy, I’m fairly sure You’re Doing It Wrong.

  17. OT, but does anyone here remember back in the…late 1980s? a sort of feminine version of Axe that was constantly advertised? Very drugstore, aerosol spray thing, that teenage girls were supposed to spray all over themselves to attract boys? Like air freshener for your body?

  18. JPlum- was it Designer Imposters body spray? I had some that was supposed to smell like Giorgio…gack!

  19. No, it was whole brand all to itself, I’m sure it must have had a jingle. It was probably also advertised in Seventeen magazine (that AWESOME teen magazine that taught me eveything I needed to know to develop an eating disorder. Seriously, the extremely detailed essays on anorexia and bulimia were frakkin’ instruction manuals!)

  20. Impulse! That was it! “If a complete stranger suddenly gives you flowers, you know it’s Impulse!”

  21. Stella, lucky you for missing the Axe Experience (TM)! ;-) Maude, when I think back to dance lessons I had to take in 10th grade… *shudders* The guys bathed in it (or in similar pungent perfumes like “Davidoff Cool Water” or “Joop! Homme”). *gag*

  22. JPlum, I *loved* Impulse Vanilla back then! In the mid-90s, it was very popular amongst teenagers here in Germany

  23. I didn’t use Impulse, just freaking gallons of of Bath and Body Works spray, back in the day when there were only, like, 3 scents. O HAI I SMELL LIEK AN APPLE.

  24. Certain Axe scents, used in moderation and not as a substitute for actual bathing, are fine.

    I discovered in discussing this with Kate that Axe is usually a cologne spray (I knew this on some level but had forgotten). I was thinking of Axe soap, which is of course Axe plus bathing and avoids that problem. It smells pretty handsome, or it did on my husband (he stopped using it though, I forget why, maybe having shower gel was too high-maintenance).

  25. Also from the search results:

    Four for “world record nude girls”

    Two for “hanky-panky underwear yeast-infection”

    Two for “insensitive uncle fat” (Aunt Fattie’s counterpart, I guess)

    And, though a depressing number are for weight loss tips (“how many weight watchers points in cough drops”), a LOT of searches for fat porn.

  26. Impulse! That was it! “If a complete stranger suddenly gives you flowers, you know it’s Impulse!”

    That Bart Allen, always trying to get with the ladies.


  27. I did not know that Axe made shower gel! It really should be marketed far more heavily, as, like you said, it solves that problem rather nicely. :)

    Also, I wonder what world record said nude girls set?

  28. ‘hanky-panky underwear yeast-infection’?

    What on earth do you suppose they were trying to find? It makes no sense to me.

    Can someone not at work run that search and let us know what turns up?

  29. I blame Impulse for my younger sister’s habit of dousing herself with perfume (Dewberry, Ugh!) – she never learned that you do not apply perfume the way they apply deodorizing perfume body spray in the commercials.

  30. Impulse Zen! I loved that scent to DEATH. I haven’t smelled it since I was about 15 and I think it’s gone off the market now :(.

    The girl’s PE changing room always smelled of that (except one or two super-cool girls who had real perfume – invariably Tommy Girl), and the boy’s changing room smelled of Lynx Africa. Blech!

  31. Fat porn? How can that be? Everyone knows that fat people are universally considered repulsive and asexual. Must be some mistake. People looking for “fart porn” or something.

  32. First of all, this post and these comments really, truly made my day. So awesome.

    fillyjonk, the “Two for “insensitive uncle fat” (Aunt Fattie’s counterpart, I guess)” thing almost made me pee my pants.

    And finally, JPlum et al, that crap’s back. Not Impulse itself, but this new $5 aerosol smelling death in a can called Hoity Toity. The commercials feature some song about how you’re a hoity toity girl… icky.

  33. It’s less creepy if it doesn’t tell you the individual.

    But it’s not just Word Press; the store I work at does online sales and the Yahoo small business page tells you with each individual order how they got there. It logs their entry point as well as any search engine terms used to find the site. So there are places that log them individually and while I can understand why my boss might want to know what search terms lead people to her store, it still feels very creepy and Big Brother-y that you know exactly what each customer searched for.

    I think entry point is the site they were on before they went to the store. So the moral of the story is, don’t look at anything illicit and immediately go buy something from an online shop. Go somewhere tame first as a buffer. I guess it’s like internet activity laundering or something. :)

  34. Personal cock reflection: I don’t generally, or even specifically, think they’re gross, but I do think they’re kind of comical, in a way.

    And, they were definitely and acquired taste.

    And, I remember when I was first aware of them, as a little girl, I just thought they looked WRONG. Like some sort of bizarre add-on. And the lack of symmetry bothered me, because, although technically I guess they are symmetrical, they can swing or skew to one side or the other, and then they’re NOT.

    I was a bit OCD as a child.

  35. The creepiest search term I ever got on my blog was “lady wearing long gloves smother with pillow”.

    I also get quite a few “does electroejaculator work on humans” and absolutely loads of “recipe for cheese on toast.” I don’t know which is more worrying.

  36. Perhaps google is taking the whole humorless feminism thing a bit too seriously?

    As for Axe, it makes excellent potato cannon fuel. I don’t have such positive feelings about it on humans, though.

    @MissPrism- EWW that is so horrifying! I don’t really know what else to say about that…

  37. I also get quite a few “does electroejaculator work on humans” and absolutely loads of “recipe for cheese on toast.” I don’t know which is more worrying.

    @MissPrism – I have to say “recipe for cheese on toast” scares me more. If one needs a recipe for cheese toast, one probably shouldn’t be allowed to, say, operate the oven without competent supervision. Eeek!

    Though the electroejaculator thing is worrisome too. It sounds kind of painful, actually. Is that what animal breeders use nowadays? I’m shockingly underinformed about this!

  38. killedbyllamas: Axe has a wide array of shower gels, but the commercials are usually so misogynist that it makes me want to hork up my lunch.

    And FJ: Hanky-panky underwear yeast-infection totally made me LOL. Who comes up with something like that?!

  39. Axe has a wide array of shower gels, but the commercials are usually so misogynist that it makes me want to hork up my lunch

    Karin, I do actually remember one of those now…I think I may have been repressing the memory or couldn’t tell what product the commercial was for because of my head exploding or something.

    Also, I just realized what (I think!) the hanky panky, etc. search was referring to: These and their yeast-causing properties, I assume.

  40. On picture days the kids come to school in a variety of outfits ranging from Auntie’s Daring Cocktail Dress to Little House on The Praire Tryouts for girls and Badass Wannabe to Nice Young Man for boys. The boys have a narrower range of clothing choices, it seems, but they compensate by overdoing the cologne. Our hallways smell heavily of Axe and the like on picture day – to the point where sensitive people spend the whole time coughing and red-eyed. Why the need for scent for pictures, I don’t know.

  41. Most web servers (the thing the website you look at lives on) will save information about you to a log file; every page you look at, the link you clicked to get there, the browser and operating system you are probably using, your IP address (or that of your proxy server) and some other stuff. This is normal and usual and has been going on forever.

  42. Stop making me laugh so much at work!

    Oh wait, I could just not read this at work.

    Oh wait, I still intend to click over to the next post.

  43. Maybe the searcher was worried about his girlfriend not liking his farmyard animal friend, and as we all know SP is about cool fat chicks, and… I’ve no idea where I’m going with this.

    I remember the Impulse deodorant! I wish I could find the ‘I-D’ one again… I used that in highschool. Not because it smelled so great (okay, I thought it did back then, I was 13), but because if I smelled it, it’d bring back memories. (Scent can be strongly tied to memory in the brain).

    The comments on this post make me laugh so much. :D

  44. Some of the searches that led to living 400 today:

    living 400 lbs, ruby 400 lbs, 400lb. overweight people, eating slugs jennifer james, ww dot com fat sex

    No, I don’t get the last one either…

  45. INSENSITIVE UNCLE FAT should totally have his OWN column!! My GOD, I haven’t laffed so hard in weeks!!

    Insensitive Uncle Fat for the W*I*N !!!

  46. I think it would be hilarious for Insensitive Uncle Fat to keep barging in on Aunt Fattie’s answers, then to be schooled by Aunt Fattie to hilarious results.

  47. Oh gods, axe and lynx are the same thing? I always wondered what awful stench axe must have and now… all I have to do is remember senior school and all the horror comes flooding back.

    Blonde-tipped, wet-gelled spiky hair and popped collars and a fug of lynx.

  48. And girls wearing, yes impulse (we still seem to have loads of gross versions of that stuff still), with very tight ponytails in scrunchies…

    The net effect of walking through or past, or downwind of a mixed group of young boys and girls used to almost make me pass out.

  49. What’s all this Axe hate though? I have to confess I don’t dislike the scents at all. I just dislike it when anyone practically drowns themselves in any scent, but that applies to Axe, perfume, deodorant and I-haven’t-showered-all-week-sweat.

    But when I think about it… I like that my man has a bit of deodorant or aftershave on. Not extremely much, obviously – I’d like to still be able to breathe – but I have a *very* strong sense of smell and more often than not I don’t really find someone’s ‘natural’ body smell that appealing, unless they’re really fresh from the shower. It differs per person, though. Some people do have a more pleasant natural smell than others, especially if the latter group eats a lot of garlic – for me, that acts as a repellant, since the smell goes directly to the parts of my brain associated with pleasantness/unpleasantness.

    It’s happened very often that I was walking in the city with friends and I’d say, “woa, did you smell that? It’s great/awful/fishy/marihuana” and nobody else would’ve smelled it.

    As such, I do appreciate a little ‘unnatural’ scent, both on myself and others. It is more pleasant than body odour, even the natural kind.

  50. the Axe hatred comes entirely from their hideously misogynistic ad campaigns

    I miss so much from never actually looking at the TV when it’s on.

  51. All this talk of Axe is bringing back memories of middle school and my first “perfume” – Love’s Baby Soft. God, I loved that stuff. Shut up, I’m old.

    What kills me about any scent is that the kids I teach (11-14) will often bring a whole bottle or spray can to school and just randomly shoot it all over. Sometimes the boys will make a circle and furtively slap it on. Axe is definitely the scent of choice, which makes me wonder about their advertising demographics.

  52. Sniper, you and me both. Now that I look at the ads, though… ((shudder)). I think Love’s Baby Soft ads came closer to child porn than anything else out there.

  53. Ah, smell memories. Love’s Baby Soft. Tigress. Perfume oils with food scents like cucumber and lime. Yardley oatmeal soap.

    And the Big Three men’s colognes of my youth, the Rohrschach of teen boys: English Leather, the rugged aristocratic horseman (“all my men wear English Leather, or they wear *nothing at all*.” LULZ0RS!)? British Sterling, the cool collected race car driver? Or Brut, the brash upstart?

    Those Love’s Baby Soft cologne bottles were kind of penis-shaped. But symmetrical, so maybe not gross or even weird-looking for those with OCD.

  54. I LOVED Love’s Baby Soft. Every so often they rerelease it in a “limited” edition, and just one whiff of it brings me right back to High School. I still think it’s a very pretty scent.

    Yeah, I’m old too.

  55. @JPlum

    Impulse – you bring back memories. :-) I thought that scent was only ubiquitous here in South Africa at that time.

    Another scent I remember from childhood is Brut. It seemed like for a while back in the late 70s / early 80s every second man bathed in Brut.

  56. Oh right – the Axe advertisements. Yes, THOSE are quite horrible. You spray it on yourself and a horde of almost-naked, oily bikini babes runs towards you from all over the world? Really? You turn into chocolate and girls eat you up? Seriously…

  57. Axe–propping up the rape culture since 1983!

    (Sadly, I actually checked Wikipedia for that date–and guess what, everyone reminded of Impulse? Same company!)

  58. Oh gods. Impulse body spray. In mid-1980s Australian high school culture, the two popular scents were “Incense” and “Musk” – and if you ever needed to find the girls change room at the gym, you waited until the end of the phys ed class, and tracked the scent of either of those back to its origin. I couldn’t stand either of them, since they tended to be sprayed around with the sort of gay abandon which ensured the company which produced them (Rexona, I think?) was never going out of business.

    Axe is probably what us Aussies know as “Lynx” – which appears to have replaced Brut 33 as the marker of either the teenaged try-hard, or the family man who chooses to indulge his kids by wearing the stuff they buy him for father’s day.

  59. Jane- forget “hanky-panky underwear yeast infection” as an album title- I want to form a BAND just so I can use the name!

    You’re all too funny. :)

  60. It would be so much fun to write an Insensitive Uncle Fat column. Oh, the sarcasm and snark…the opportunities are endless. *drool*

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