So, you know how yesterday we were discussing how female Olympic athletes’ uniforms seem expressly designed for maximum ogling? And how the women’s swimsuits are just about the only uniforms that actually appear functional and comfortable?
Well, Simon Barnes has a problem with that. No, not with the ogling — with the swimsuits.
Those who have been watching the swimming at the Olympic Games could be forgiven for asking the obvious question. I mean: what’s happened to women’s breasts? Once, female swimming champions had them, now they don’t. They have broad shoulders and wide chests, but no lumps on them. It’s not quite as it should be. Is it masculinising drugs? Some kind of anti-cosmetic surgery? An early example of massed gene-doping?
No. It’s the Speedo LZR Racer.
Barnes goes on to explain that the compression suits improve performance and make things easier on the athletes’ bodies — so, you know, he guesses it’s okay. “You can always regain your femininity when you have wriggled out of the damn things after the race.” Oh, hey, great point! I mean the one about how wearing functional, appropriate clothing to compete against other world-class athletes = a loss of femininity, of course. Thank god there’s a cure! Just wriggle out of a wet swimsuit in front of a bunch of TV cameras, preferably flashing the boobs that were so confusingly compressed for a couple of minutes there!
And hey, didja know there actually have been boob flashes, y’all? Two Australian swimmers already had the suits come apart on them! AWESOME! (Which leads me to wonder: At some point, shouldn’t the possibility of seeing naked boobs outweigh the lamentable lack of outlines in the LZR Racer? Get your priorities straight, Barnes!)
It gets better. Given all the new world records being set in swimming these days, Barnes generously concedes, “So it’s worth looking a bit flat-chested if you want the speed.”
IF you want the speed. As an Olympic athlete.
“Hmm, shall I go with the suit that’s better for my body and will increase my chances of winning, or the one that will increase the pleasure of men staring at my tits while I compete in an event I’ve been training my fucking ass off for years? Crap, let me get back to you. That’s a toughie.”
Something here is not quite as it should be. I’ll give the wankstain that much.