I Love The Onion

Study: Many Americans Too Fat To Commit Suicide

“Body fat absorbs toxins, so fat people simply cannot ingest enough bottles of sleeping pills to have any effect, much less stop their hearts,” Reese said. “And slitting one’s wrists in the bathtub is not an option if you can’t find a butcher knife thick enough to reach the arteries under your rolls of wrist flab, or can’t fit into the bathtub in the first place. All the self-loathing in the world is not going to help the obese get their meaty index fingers through the trigger guard, nor give them the flexibility to raise the pistol to their head. It’s heartbreaking.”

I’ve seen arguments that this hits a little too close to home to be funny, but to me, it’s a note-perfect send-up of OBESITY CRISIS!!!! reporting. The last paragraph is so good, I don’t even want to wreck it for you by quoting it here.

What do you guys think? Is it spot-on satire, or do they take a little too much glee in describing rolls of jiggling blubber and whatnot?

a woman who finds suicide jokes hilarious, yet was apparently the only person on earth offended by that Reebok ad

14 thoughts on “I Love The Onion

  1. You mean cross-posted to Shakesville, right?

    And I thought the Reebok commercial sucked, too.

    I haven’t had a chance to read the Onion thing yet, but I’m not offended on principle.

  2. I’m squarely in the great satire camp, I thought it was really funny, I especially loved how they made sure to include the requisite pictures of fat people who are apparently offending the universe by being out in public without actually showing their faces, a staple in all MSM stories of the “crisis”. I also really loved the pie graph.

  3. I particularly like the Obesity Pathology Clinic’s computer model with the bouncing. Hee! Funny and spot-on.

  4. Meowser, yeah, that was what I meant. :) Took the whole line out. Composed it over there, then copied it to here. Oops.

  5. I have to admit I didn’t see the humor in this when I read it hte first time. I just cursed the onion out. The onion has a lot of fat jokes, so, it’s hard to tell.

  6. I read it on fatshionista last night and my first thought was “I wonder if a fat person wrote this?” I wouldn’t be at all surprised since it couldn’t be accurate spoof of alarmist obesity crisis hatemongering if it tried. Seriously, think about it, if any of us had written it everyone in the fatosphere would be cracking up and doing high fives. I not only found it hilarious, I really wish I’d had the wit to think of it first.

  7. fat fu, I hear you on other fat jokes in The Onion. Wouldn’t exactly call it a fat-friendly publication — but I do love this piece.

  8. I thought it was bang-on bloody brilliant. They’ve captured the hysteria sooooo well and the pie chart was a nice flourish :)

  9. Even this article could pass as satire of the “obesity epidemic” or mocking of fat people. I think that’s probably a mark of good satire, so I’ll just take it how I want to.

  10. *cracks up* Oh dear – I’m wonderfully fat, and I’m a suicide survivor (which means that I survived the suicide of someone very close to me). And that was brilliantly funny. Cheers for the link!

    xx Dee

  11. The Onion is an equal opportunity mockery machine. This was hilarious because it was as well founded in science as any of the “real” news stories are, which is to say not at all.

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