That made me SO HAPPY.

My only similar moment was when I was working in a bookstore about 13 years ago. A customer said to me, rather confrontationally, that he had found the “Women’s Studies” section but couldn’t find “Men’s Studies” anywhere, and what did I have to say about that? (FYI, I was 19 at the time; he was in his forties.) First, I told him that if he was looking for Robert Bly, those books were mostly in self-help. When he persisted, I suggested that he try history, business, theology, economics, politics, psychology, and biography. He left in a huff, but if he complained to a manager, I never heard about it.

Ducky: Are you yourself fat/”overweight”? If so, try using yourself as an example, and asking your friend point-blank if she thinks you’re stupid or a liar. This is a potentially risky tactic, as you may find out things you’d rather not, but sometimes forcibly taking things from the general to the personal can cause an “aha” moment.

I thought of you as I saw all first grade going to the bus wearing paper pilgrim hats and paper “head dresses” ugh!

Anyways…I thought I would send you this link. My best friend is Native and sent it out to me tonight and it was very powerful.

If for some reason it doesn’t come through it is on YouTube and entitled..

Thanksgiving: A Native American View

I’ve mentioned this before a while back, but I’m currently a free sample lady, and for the past seven months or so I’ve had to listen to other people’s food issues every freaking day, 4 days a week, and since years of customer service jobs have cemented that “Customer’s Always Right” mantra into my brain, I never feel like I can say anything to them. After all, I’m just giving them a free sample, and obviously I’m not qualified to questiong their whole worldview, especially when my own body image is often as unsteady as a game of Jenga. So I just smile and nod, and let them hand back the sample they thought they wanted a second ago before they realized there was so much sodium/sugar/aspertame/ground fetus powder/high fructose corn syrup/calories/trans fat/whatever.
Now, I’m usually very sympathetic to people who “can’t have” whatever they want, because often it’s because of health issues, like diabetes, celiacs, nut allergies, lactose intolerance, etc. But when people just plain don’t think they deserve the foods they like, they project it onto me as if it’s common knowledge that I’m going to agree with, and then because I’m so customer-service-y, I DO agree with them, just to keep from rocking the boat.

Customer: “Oh I can’t have that. That’s just sinful. All that butter… it sounds far too good!”
Me: *smile* “Okay then! Maybe next time. You have a nice day!” *SMILE!*

Customer: “Which of these do you think I should get?”
Me: “I like this one personally.” *points*
Customer: *scoff* “Yeah well, read the nutritional info and you won’t like it anymore.”
Me: “Oh.” *shrug* “I don’t know.” *SMILE!*

But now that I’ve given my notice, I have slowly been creeping out of my shell when it comes to reacting to some of this shit. What are they going to do, fire me? This is the conversation that happened yesterday while I was giving away samples of a Carvel Snickers ice cream cake (om nom nom…)

Customer: “Oh dear God, it’s ice cream.” *tries a sample and makes orgasm noises* “Oh that’s dangerously good. How many crunches do you think a person would have to do to earn a real serving size bowl of this stuff?”
Me: “I don’t know. I usually don’t need permission to eat ice cream, because I’m a grown up.”
Customer: *blink*
Me: … *SMILE!*

Actually, no one’s yelled at me or complained about me yet, so maybe all that “customer’s always right” stuff was for nothing. I could have been speaking my mind all along.
Still, I feel like that was probably a little harsh.

As to your friend–you say you don’t want to table the discussion because you know you’re right, but keep in mind you’re fighting not only against her ignorance but against her wish to believe the worst about other people (I’m a curmudgeonly grump and I don’t go nearly so far!). In this case it’s worth asking yourself, would you rather be right, or be happy? I don’t think you’re going to get very far in trying to combat negativity that extreme without using up some serious mental and emotional resources.

It honestly sounds like she’s taking out her discomfort with herself and others on you by being so very offended and unpleasant about your beliefs re: weight. My reccommendation, based on what I’ve had to do with similar friends, is to set a clear boundary–sure, give her information, but tell her something like, “I’m willing to discuss this with you futher after you’ve read the information I’ve provided, after you’ve processed it, and only if you can be polite and respectful toward me [and possible, 'and other people as a whole'.]” Then stick to it. If she’s willing to engage you on those terms, it’s much more likely she’s thinking and processing. If she isn’t, it’s very likely she’s lashing out and picking a fight and nothing productive will come of such conversations.

Best of luck to you in resolving the situation peacefully. I hope your friend listens and comes closer to peace with herself.

Also, I will take your language warning to heart. I’m in love with German (was nearly fluent and got to study abroad there one summer, but it wasn’t with a music program, just the language program) and I have to be careful not to let my love of it overtake my love of singing. But it’s such a cool language (I also took Japanese for three years in high school, and am fascinated by classical Asian music, although some of the nasality bothers me aesthetically).

Also, I feel you on fighting for equal treatment with instrumentalists. Personally, I think the flighty singers are the whole reason for that attitude, because instrumentalists see much more of them then they do of the serious ones, and judge us all based on that. *Sigh* But I’m always going to prove them wrong, thankyouverymuch. X3 Also, I find it helps to not act like a complete diva, and assume the instrumentalists/orchestra are going to work around you (especially when it’s way easier for you to make the change as one person than it is for them as fifteen/thirty/two hundred people).

I have a problem, my best friend is strictly against my viewpoint about weight loss and I didn’t realize how badly it offended her until today. We’ve talked about it lightly before and I could tell she was really trying to open herself up to it, but frankly I hate debates, I hate serious discussions about disagreements, so I never bring it up.

Well today she saw me post something about weight loss on a forum we both frequent and I guess it really set her off. She was off to fight. Now, she’s not getting mad at me for having this opinion, at least I don’t think. But she does think I’m wrong and so I think it bothers her when I say in public that I think dieting or exercising and eating well for the sake of losing weight is a bad idea.

We debated/argued for awhile (it was thoroughly unpleasant tyvm) and I began to realize that I think the reason why she’s having such a hard time accepting my point of view is 1. she believes most people are liars (she’s pretty anti-social) and 2. two years ago she lost 30lb and this year she’s gained 10lb back.

How do you guys deal with friends like this? It sucks because while there are things we absolutely do not agree on at all (she’s very logical minded and it makes her very bullheaded about topics she knows little about, like psychology) there are also things that bring us together quite well. She never brings me down and even though I know she disagrees with me and my opinion she never actually said anything negative about me during our argument.

So I guess what I’m also asking is, does anyone have any up-to-date reliable sources on the following topics? Preferably studies:

- 95% of people who lose weight will gain it back within 5 years (and that includes people who stop drinking soda and eating fast food)
- Yo-yo dieting (or losing weight and regaining it over and over) is unhealthy for the body.
- Not all people who are overweight/obese are over-eaters who eat a lot of fast food, drink a lot of soda, and never exercise. (This one is tricky, she is pretty anti-social and I honestly believe she believes most people in the world are liars and stupid.)

I want to be able to answer her questions when they come up, and they will come up again. I don’t want to ask her for us not to talk about it anymore because I *know* I’m right, I know I have this opinion for a reason, and I know that if I ask for that she’ll believe I’m only asking because I’m not confident in my reasons.

I just want to close this request (and I’m very sorry for wasting anyone’s time) by saying she’s a very nice, pleasant, and funny person. Just not on this issue. So I’m sorry if I’ve made her sound like a total troll.

Languages help, but that is what drew me away from voice. I wound up in Asian languages, which I don’t really speak anymore, but which led me to lingustics and English Language Learner support in educational publishing. So be careful on that road if you want to keep singing!

Ethnomusicology. Double yes. When I decided to ‘recover’ from the Opera community, I joined a very strong Gamelan. I don’t know how familiar you are with Indonesian music, but the whole ethos of Gamelan is cooperative, and solo grandstanding is very much frowned upon. The instrument itself is believed to have a spirit, and the players are more summoning this spirit than they are exhibiting talent. There is an improvisational technique I believe is called ‘imbal’ which is all about tuning into what should go on, versus waiting for the next break in the action to put forward your supremely talented contribution. Changed the way I play and sing forever. Only rarely do I get a glint of this when performing jazz ( versus the ego-blast of competitive improv). I have a few folks that absolutely cannot believe I know any theory or could read a symphonic score, etc. simply because I am a vocalist.

You sound like you are on the right track. Outside the close knit Opera community, you will always be fighting for relevancy unless you can demonstrate greater understanding. Why voice as a principal instrument should seem LESS than anything else to many people astounds me. THEY should try carrying around a horn or a cello everywhere they go and then eating through it. Hah! I am rooting for you to get into a program where you can become very well-rounded musically and otherwise. I think you really will. Keep us posted, OK?

@ chutti pen specifically – I find it amazing how few intelligent voice students there were at my college. XD I mean, some of them (only a few) were intelligent, but there were a good many who had the completely wrong attitude about things, and goofed off instead of working, or what have you. My undergraduate voice teacher required us to translate every song we sang, and write a paper on it (researching the opera it was from/the context of the poem/any other important info), which gave our performances a nuance and understanding that most of the other students didn't have, because the other teachers didn't require that. Admittedly, while it was a decent school overall, I wouldn't say Appalachian State U. was the best music school. XD It certainly was good, and it served my needs at the time, but it isn't as good as IU or CCM. ;D

I recently was talking to my current voice teacher (a professor at CCM) about a little side project I'm interested in. My best friend is a classics major (ancient Greek is her specialty) and I'd discussed performing parts of the Iliad with her. Of course, we would have to find a composer to set it, and do some research into how people thought ancient Greek music might have sounded, but it would be an amazingly cool thing to do. And she went "you really need to study some other stuff besides opera singing, because you're too intelligent to just sing opera for the rest of your life.” I was kind of shocked, because no one had ever said something like that to me before, but when I think about it, the few opera singers who are the most “famous” tend to be the most intelligent ones, because the real depth of their performance comes from a place that can only be reached by thorough study and learning of an opera, not just learning the notes and singing pretty. And I would love to study ethnomusicology or theory or something too, but we’ll see what happens. X3