so no regrets no self loathing no violence but tenderly lovingly gratefully loving this body of mine. Allowing my body to gently be where it settles in and with no excuses, defensiveness or regrets.

Holy crap, even toast is too uncomfortable to eat lately. I’m supposed to avoid chewing on the right side (the site of the gum surgery), but since having my braces adjusted Tuesday morning it hurts to chew on the left side! And my bite is totally hosed. @#$%&!

I’m slowly coming around to this level of acceptance, that if I feel ok, that’s more important than how I look because if I feel like crap, I can’t enjoy looking good anyway, and if I feel good, I’m more likely to look good.

Something like that… I can’t articulate it well, but yay positivity and happiness!

I’ve been spending more time with my family lately and I was shocked at how blatant my grandma is with the weight talk. We were eating otu and my cousin ordered desert, and she asked ‘I thought you were watching your weight.’

She also commented last night one that same cousin’s mother, one of my aunts. She recently lost a LOT of weight (to my eyes she looks far too thin, and she has gotten more easily stressed and much less of an organised and capable person – how much of that has got to do with always being hungry I couldn’t tell you.) Grandma commented that she’d ‘stacked a bit back on recently’. Good lord!

Let me tell you that my grandma said this in the tone of someone concerned for her family, who was trying to help them in an endeavor that is important, not in a judgy way. But I was shocked! Partly because of my own FA journey, but partly because she never says anythign to me, and I’m the obviously fat one. I guess I am without hope?

Although now I come to think of it, she did show me a photo of one of Fergie’s (the royal, not teh singer) daughters in a bikini, showing her very moderate curves, and told me that ‘I didn’t have to worry, see, she looks lovely, even though she is fat’.

Shoot me, now.

It’s odd hearing people comment on my growing belly. I’m not offended so much as surprised. I never thought I would hear myself described in this way.

Kind of messes with my self-perception a little.

Which is not always a bad thing.

Dan

I finally got fitted for a bra and I was just astounded. I had been wearing a 36 A and adding lots of bra extenders at the back. I got fitted at a great place — a small lingerie shop called Sunny J’s in Plymouth MI (in case any other Shapelings can go there). As soon as the sales lady saw what I had been wearing she said “I think you are going to be very pleased you came here!” I walked out with a 38 D Wacoal. Me! A D cup!

I then took my new knowledge of how a bra can fit to other stores with less expensive bras and found something in Hanes and in Just-My-Size that also work well. (40 C.) (Not as nice as the Wacoal, though.) Oh my, a bra that fits (and supports) is wonderful!

(I carry my weight below the bust and even as I gained weight, my bust is small compared to the rest of me, which must be how it escaped me that my size wasn’t A cup any more!)

But this helps. It gives me hope that I’ll be okay, too. This is exactly what I needed to read today. Thank you.

REALLY? You want to not be able to keep food down? You want to crave pizza 24/7 but not eat it knowing it would make you horribly ill? Really? Really?
Whenever anyone comments on my weight loss now, I just make a point of saying:
a) I lost it because I’m ill and
b) I would gain it all back if it meant I could eat pizza again. And I mean that!