Colleen:
My first response was that I’d never had that happen to me, but I think I was interpreting it as “hit on openly”. I’ve never had anyone push into my space trying to hit on me, but I have had many men keep talking to me (at airports, in waiting rooms, even once at a job interview – always when I was alone) even after I made it very clear that I had no interest in continuing to talk to them.

Kristine:
I’d almost commented on the last post because I’ve always been too intimidated to tell someone outright that they were bothering me. Since I’ve never actually told the person harrassing me to leave me alone I figured I didn’t know if they would have. Basically, my mental processes went straight to blaming myself for anything I may have endured as a result of unwanted attentions. Despite all the signs I must have been giving through body language.

This all sounds familiar…
I’ve noticed that I tend to feel like I’m not “supposed” to be anything but scrupulously polite if there’s nothing overtly sexual/attraction-related about the unwanted attention/conversation, and “overtly” is the key word–I also feel like I have to always give people the benefit of the doubt that the conversation is purely platonic, and I think I tend to do this to a somewhat ridiculous extent. (“Is my coworker REALLY bumping into me on purpose, or does he just not pay much attention to where he’s going? He seems to bump into me an awful lot…”) And then of course, if I don’t speak up, I don’t know whether someone would have left me alone if I had spoken up…

I’ve almost never been hit on openly, but I’ve encountered men who might have been talking to me only because I was a reasonably attractive female (usually at least 20 years older than me), who went on and on about their theories of the world or the possibility of rabid foxes in the neighborhood, despite monosyllabic answers on my part.

“I don’t have a solution, but i do think it’s about time men started taking some responsibility for sorting this out. “

There’s your solution, right there in the second clause of your statement.

Certainly I’d like to help put a stop to this rubbish. I have no idea if my disapproval would do anything, as I am not a cool guy either.

But I honestly don’t think I can be relied on to accurately tell when I should intervene. I’ve encountered situations where I think a woman is being hassled, but they’re not so clear cut as her getting punched in the face, or even directly saying, “Leave me alone.”

We’ll call her M. M is gay and, after finding out I’m bi-curious (for lack of a better term), would hit on me constantly. M would say things like “You know if I really wanted to, I could have you like that.” M would tell me all about her sexual conquests. M would try to kiss me on my neck.

I did not want M. I would make this abundantly clear. And yet she would treat this as playing hard to get.

The final straw came at my 21st birthday party, where M got incredibly drunk and screeched in my face that I was rude for not kissing her, why didn’t I ever kiss her, she was a good kisser and I should just do it already.

I didn’t think of it at first because you only asked about men.

And then last night I was walking down the street and a guy (a rather skanky guy, all things considered), said, “You’re too beautiful to be wearing them baggy clothes.” I stopped dead, turned, and said, “I beg your pardon?”.

Note: when someone says “I beg your pardon?” in that tone, it does not mean they haven’t heard you; it means they wish they hadn’t.

Anyway, he repeated his comment, and I said, “And what makes you think it’s appropriate to say that to women on the street, sir?”, and turned and kept walking. Alas, I was not quite fast enough to be unable to hear him start into the “Well, I’m so-o-rry” (I was just trying to compliment her, the bitch!) routine.

New experience for me. I’m not sure how I’ve avoided it all this time.

I did read further here, and thank you to Sweet Machine for making an effort to respond to me, and to The Other Caitlin for clarifying her stance.

Good point. I guess what it boils down to, for me, is that anyone approaching a stranger ought to be aware that, by doing so, they are basically asking a favor of that person – asking for time, attention, mental/emotional energy – and that the person doing the approaching is not actually *entitled* to these things. In part, it has to do with the willingness to back off if there is any hint that the approach isn’t welcome, no questions asked, and, in part, with the approach itself. I’ve had guys say “hello” to me on the street in a way that was friendly and respectful, and guys say it in a manner that indicates that I, lone woman, must acknowledge and show respect to Mr. Guy in all his Male Awesomeness. The behavior that follows tends to confirm the initial impression – one such guy followed me for half a mile questioning me about my love life, and another, when my response was apparently too quiet, yelled “what’s wrong with you? Don’t you speak?” But these guys were already disrespectful at the “hello” – with their body language (stepping into my path, blocking my way) tone of voice (loud, sudden and aggressive) timing (while I was trying to cross a street in busy traffic). Like TFN said, it’s about basic respect. It kind of mystifies me how guys claim not to understand what is appropriate – I’m an autistic woman, and I (think I) can understand basic courtesy to strangers (no offense to Grafton, whose poem title made me chuckle).

IIII – you have that spot-on!!!! Thank you for saying exactly how I feel when men feel they are being “ignored” by women!

The very same thing happened to me recently when doing my own laundry. Only for me…it was a deliberate social experiment I guess, on male-power issues. And I got the same results as you!!

What a rigmarole these guys caused just trying to force me to look up at them. But I deliberately flat-out refused to acknowledge them. That took their power away and all three of them (I did this with three men) after having spat-their-dummies out…just sort of gave in, in the end and sat down. Then I felt A) finally left alone and B) quite triumphant that I had not been dis-empowered by them. Just a tip…next time, although it is very difficult I know, try not to look up at all. They do give in.