Friday Fluff: Cheaper Than A Palatial Spa

Hey! Y’all! [lowers voice to a conspiratorial whisper] Guess what I’m doing RIGHT NOW. [chuckles furtively]

Dude, I’m staying up half the night with my two awake kids, one of whom is VOMITING BILE! Because a nasty, nasty stomach virus has been making the rounds in our house. (I lost six pounds in three days LIKE MAGIC! My husband is STILL shaky and dehydrated! Ahh, life’s rich pageant… love you, just LOVE you.)

Meanwhile, you all — to say nothing of FJ and SM specifically, who’ve heroically handled the vast majority of the moderating on these monster threads — have been dealing with nasty bile-spewing of a different sort. And I’m guessing we all (and by that I mean you, if you’re a sincere regular reader or lurker who’s been fighting the good fight) need three weeks paid time off at a magnificent resort, retreat center or spa.

Since that’s not in our budget this year, I’m asking you, please please please, to turn this thread into something that I hope will be nearly as restorative. I’d like us collectively to cover all of the following before the thread dies.

-Children guilelessly using profanity to humorous effect
-Frolicking otters
-Videos that make one want to cheer or dance around the room
-Charming sniglets
-Charming piglets
-Alarming 1980′s workout outfits
-Excruciatingly psychologically correct letters written to humorously-inappropriate recipients thereof. (For example: “Dear Broken Toaster — I don’t mean to minimize your experience, but I wonder whether you and I might have different needs…”
-links to palatial retreat centers and other gobsmackingly beautiful settings where we may spend our Shapeling retreat/start our Shapeling commune once we get a very rich benefactor.
-Comfort food recipes
-Phony and funny but plausible-sounding dissertation titles
-Deliberately bad poetry

(And yes, you may add your own requests to this list, so long as they are all SUPER FLUFFY, like, Snuggle-fabric-softener-bear funny; and not things like “I’d like to hear someone go on at length about how sad they feel to think that men aren’t automatically, as a class, given 100 percent of the trust and goodwill of women, as a class.”)

Sound good? Good. Because I hear retching in the next room. Thanks in advance. Gaaaaaah.

Posted in Fat

323 thoughts on “Friday Fluff: Cheaper Than A Palatial Spa

  1. My five-year-old thinks my pubic hair looks really nice and wants to have some of her own when she grows up. I think this is a Feminist Parenting Win, at least this week.

    My three-year-old likes to say poo-poo-bum as a metasyntactic variable, where I would say “Oh, you know, thingy.”

  2. Sorry, I am fighting some kind of flue bug and lose my train of thought. Last night on the way home from work we saw a plate that said “1 wrshp” and I know it was supposed to have been a statement of faith, but then we spent the rest of the trip home exclaiming “hah! you may have sunk my battleship, but I still have ONE WARSHIP! HAH!”

  3. My daughter, who will be 2 in December, uses the word “simile.”

    One of her books has the line “She carries the dog around like a sack of potatoes.” She wanted to know where the potatoes were in the picture, and frustrated, I said “There are NO potatoes! It’s a simile!”

    And now every time she gets to that page she says (pointing) “Dog. No potatoes. Simile!”

    No profanity, but it’s the best I can do for you today.

  4. I teach preschool, a class of 2, soon-to-be-3-year-olds (coincidentally, our class is called the Otters). A couple of months ago we were transitioning the new kids to our classroom while the old kids were moving on to their new one. One of my favorite old students gave us these beautiful potted orchids, which my co-teacher and I put in our classroom window.

    We were having lunch with the new kids when my co-teacher said something about the flower and I said, “Oh, I LOVE orchids.”

    Out of the quiet of young kids munching on their lunch, the unofficial mayor of this daycare yelled out – to nobody in particular – “Oh, I love COOKIES and CAKE!” I laughed so hard I choked on my own lunch.

    My co-teacher and I can now reduce each other to helpless giggles simply by repeating it.

  5. Off topic: Cheap spa retreats can be had at community colleges once the cosmetology and aesthetics students get going. My daughter is a student at one such college locally and for the grand price of $37, I had my brows waxed and tinted, my eyelashes tinted, and a European facial (I’m honestly not sure how that’s different from any other facial). It’s fun, helps the students out, and costs at least one arm and one leg less than a “real” spa.

  6. Youtube video of a bear cub falling asleep?

    This footage was also on a 2007 episode of Colbert Report, where he was attempting not to find him adorable out of his deep-rooted hatred for bears. “Oh my god, he’s like a puppy and a kitten trying to fit into the same slipper!” “I want to take him home and name him Nappy!”

  7. Ahhhh, fluff at last.

    The story about cookies and cake reminds me of one that my mother loves to tell about a family friend’s daughter that she used to babysit a lot years ago. Little Katie was fed pasta shells with peas – so, yknow, some of the peas made it inside of the shells. And she managed to chew and eat the pasta around the pea, and spit the pea out. “Don’ like peas. Don’ want peas.” And then later the same day, she wanted some banana, since her two older brothers were eating some – despite that her mother had warned mine that she didn’t actually like bananas. Sure enough, my mother gives in and gives her some, she spits it out. “Don’ like banana. Don’ want banana.”

    It’s become a bit of an in joke in my family to just repeat “Don’ like banana. Don’ want banana. Don’ like peas. Don’ want peas.” :P

  8. Condescending Variables and Syntactic Amusement: French Post-War Modernism and Its Impact on American Baseball

  9. I spent some time yesterday assessing my cats’ behaviour and guessing at their internal dialogue. Especially Misty, who has some peculair habits, one involving the door:

    “I want to go outside! Let me outside! I want to go outside! Let meeeee goooo outsiiiideeee!
    Now that I finally have your attention, human, I am going to eat my food for five minutes until I am ready to go outside! You wait here until I am done.
    Open the door! Oooopeeeen the doooor why are you walking away come back here I want to go outsiiiideeee!
    Ahh! Ah! The door is open! Wait! It’s cold outside! Should I go outside or stay inside? Outside or inside? Should I stay or should I go now? Keep the door open, human, I am trying to decide! Ok, I’m going outside!”

    - ten minutes later -

    “Let me iiiiiiiin”

    The other cat, Kimo, has this thing where you can’t pet her anywhere but on her head. Her internal dialogue is something like this:

    “Don’t touch me. I said don’t touch me. Don’t touch me! I’m going to CUT you. Don’t touch me there – NOT ON THE BUTT I WILL CUT YOU”

  10. May I submit a couple of zoo cams, Otter Cam and Panda Cam. No promise there will be cuteness going on when you click, but they’re fun.

    And my all time favorite happy song: Ani DiFranco’s “Pick Yer Nose” which, for me at least, is a combination of wanting to dance around the room and cheer.

  11. Dear Microwave: When I want to defrost meat, and I hit “10% power,” it’s really important to me that you actually heat at 10% power. Growing up, I always felt safest when things happened as I expected. I hear you saying that it’s important to you to heat arbitrarily, because this makes you feel zippy, spontaneous, and full of surprises! But I feel ignored when you burn my roasts. Can we find a solution together?

  12. Shiyiya, where did you get your avatar? I’ve been seeing that type around and never got a chance to ask. But since I think that’s pretty fluffy (the question, I mean), where’s it from?

    I SOOO need fluff right now, but the story of the reasons why isn’t particularly fluffy.

  13. The ‘ONE WARSHIP’ thing made me snort tea all over my keyboard!

    I only have two things:

    1. Mika’s new video, ‘We Are Golden.’ Is that his real bedroom? I love it. I want it.

    2. What can I be for Halloween this year that will top last year, when I went as a teenage mutant ninja turtle? I would like a night where I hit myself fewer times in the face with nunchuks. I thought I might be Rob (or Fab) from Milli Vanilli, in that ‘Girl You Know It’s True’ video, but who recognize me unless there’s a Fab to my Rob or a Rob to my Fab? Also, where do I get those legging manpris they’re wearing? :-D

  14. NOT ON THE BUTT I WILL CUT YOU

    *spittake* Do we have the same cat? That is it precisely. Hahahaha!! OMG, I predict “NOT ON THE BUTT I WILL CUT YOU” will become a standard part of our household lexicon within 24 hours. Brilliant.

  15. I only got the chance to meet my husband’s mother once before she died. During that visit she told me the following story on him:

    He was a medium sized child, and he was sitting there reading a book, and every so often he’d say, “Feces!” She knew perfectly well he was trying to get away with something naughty because he thought she wouldn’t know what it meant. She let it go on for a while, and then next time he said it, she replied with a hearty, “Shit!”

    I’ll also tell you a story about my nephew, the greatest kid in the world. When he was about 3 or 4, he came downstairs and said to the assembled adults, “I feel blue.” And he was. He had taken a jar of blue paint, poured it out on the rug in his grandparent’s bedroom, and rolled in it. He’d then walked down the hall to the bathroom, leaving blue footprints behind. He’d attempted to wash off the paint, made only a partial job of it, and then walked downstairs, leaving watery blue footprints.

    My sister in law was trying to cook dinner at the time, but this halted everything. Attack squad one (my sister in law and brother) took him into the other bathroom to clean him up properly, and attack squad two (my parents) started cleaning up the backtrail. My brother said they had a conundrum — they wanted to yell at him for making a mess like that, but at the same time they were weeping with laughter. “I feel blue.” Indeed.

  16. When I want to look at places to buy that I REALLY can’t afford, but would like to have people stay with me at, I go looking at the listings of German castles for sale. Like, some of them have moats and everything! *sigh* If only I had a spare few million euro….

  17. A coworker messed up trying to say, “globulous”, and invented the new word, “gloobulous”. Its parameters have yet to be fully defined, but two example usages have been, “J___, your brain is so gloobulous today,” and, “It’s such a gloobulous skin cream.” Which last was said in response to a challenge to use the word during a staff meeting.

    Comfort food recipe: Ultimate Hot Cocoa. This is not for those who love lighter milk chocolate best.

    1 packet hot cocoa mix
    1 square Ghirardelli 80% (or 100% if you like it dark, Dark, DARK) cocoa baking chocolate
    1 splash vanilla extract
    8-12 oz of steaming hot water

    I don’t think it works to put all ingredients in a mug and shove into a microwave. You really have to heat up the water in a separate container. While the water is heating up, empty the packet into a mug, break up the square of chocolate into smaller pieces to help it melt, and add the vanilla. When the water is not quite boiling, pour it into the mug, and stir, stir, stir, for about a minute so the chocolate melts.

    Serving suggestions: to cool it down enough to drink, feel free to add a splash of rum or Baileys, or cream, or ice cream.

    Don’t apologize for drinking cocoa – this is a great way to work that dark chocolate into your diet to bust down your blood pressure. And just think of all the phytochemicals and antioxidants fending off the nasty free radicals.

  18. Watch Kseniya Simonova make sand art. She won Ukraine’s Got Talent for this. It will enrich your day.

    FYI, the thing at the end says “You are always near.”

  19. Thank you for the Mika video! (takes short break to dance around the room in undies). One of our dogs lies on top of the air conditioning vent and periodically showers it will affectionate licks. I feel the same.

  20. My almost-5-year-old cousin has come to the conclusion that although he loves movies, he likes real people better than movies, and Muppets better than real people.

    This realization took place when we were choosing a movie to watch, at which point I also reminded him that last time he watched Fantasia I stopped it right before the Night on Bald Mountain segment because I thought he’d get scared. He said, “We could watch it when we’re 37. Or 60, or 70.”

    My God, I hope we can.

  21. One good reason to love the Marie Curie Institute:
    (I hope this works – I’ve never embedded a video before!)

  22. I stayed here once for a work meeting — I was working it! But I would live anywhere in Sedona the second I have money.

    Also, for cocoa — either Trader Joe’s “sipping cocoa” or Ghiradelli double chocolate cocoa, with MILK, scalded, and 1 teensy pinch cayenne pepper & 1 teensy pinch kosher salt per serving (mix into the dry mix, not directly into the liquid).

    yummmmmm.

  23. Not a cute-kid-swearing story, but a cute kid story nonetheless: My (late) father’s name was Bob. My daughter, the only grandchild, never called him anything else from the time she was able to speak. Not Grandpa, not Grandaddy – he was simply Bob to her.

    When she was about 3, we were watching TV and one of those “Scooter Store” commercials came on. It showed an elderly woman with white hair. She got excited and yelled, “Mommy, look! There’s Grandma!” I said no, that wasn’t her grandma, it was somebody else’s grandma.

    A moment later, a balding elderly man was shown. Again, she got excited and yelled, “Mommy, look! There’s Bob!” I said no, that wasn’t him, either. She asked, “Oh…that’s somebody else’s Bob?”

  24. Comfort food recipes:

    Gunky Thingamajigs:
    1 can sweetened condensed milk
    1 12-oz bag chocolate chips
    2 cups graham cracker crumbs

    Mix sweetened condensed milk and chocolate chips. Stir in graham cracker crumbs (will be very stiff). Press into GREASED pan. Cook at 350 degrees for 15-20 minutes (they will be slightly browner at the edges and squishy in the middle, but will set up when they cool).

    Phony and funny but plausible-sounding dissertation titles

    Actual title of a scholarly and interesting-if-you-like-that-sort-of-thing article on multi-word negation in children: “What Part of ‘No’ Do Children Not Understand?”

    Also, this. Paper on the perception of rhythm in language. Read it out loud if you don’t get the joke. Skip to the end if it still isn’t clicking.

  25. 1. Shopping with my oldest nieces, at the time aged 3 and 4. Younger niece (YN) was (and remains) a fiercely value-minded shopper, deliberating endlessly over how to best spend the money I’ve allotted to them for a particular shopping trip. On this day, we were in Claire’s (or some version of Claire’s that was appropriate for kids of that age) and YN had taken literally 10 minutes to decide whether to buy two pairs of earrings or a pair of earrings and a necklace. At this point, older niece, who’d made her selection in about 30 seconds sighed loudly, tapped her foot and said, in a tone that I’m sure she’d heard from her father, “Jesus Christ, will you hurry up already?”

    2. Dear Travel Mug: I hate to tell you this, but it’s over for me. And no, no it’s not you, it’s me. There’s the temperature thing. I’m sure there are plenty of people who’d find that slightly cold temperature just right, but I need my coffee to be hot when I drink it. And … wow, it really hurts me to say this to you … but you leak. I know it’s my fault, that I just can’t get your lid on right, but you should be with someone who finds it easier to put you together right. It would be so much better for you to be with someone who really loves you. I know the perfect match is waiting out there for you, and I hope you find her or him someday.

    3. This isn’t really a recipe, but one of my favorite comfort foods is scrambled eggs with rice. When I’ve got leftover white rice from Chinese, I’ll heat some butter in a pan, maybe saute some onions and mushrooms, then add the rice until it’s warm. Add a couple of eggs to the pan and scramble away. If you want, you could add some diced ham to the rice before adding the eggs. I like cheese in it, too.

  26. My cat has taken to begging for people food again. He stopped for a while, which was wierd since when he was younger he would beg for all kinds of odd things like chocolate, crisps (must be roasted beef or cheese and onion, he makes nasty faces at salt and vinegar), but yesterday’s was the wierdest so far.

    Spinach. From my Trader Joe’s flatbread pizzas (awesome btw). He pulled a bit off from my plate. Why would a cat want spinach? I have no idea.

    This is even wierder than when he ate biryani – at least that had chicken in it. But cute, nonetheless. He was pouty when I took the spinach away…is it OK for cats to eat that?

  27. Oh, sorry The Bald Soprano, I forgot that despite that I just type “mangatar” into firefox and googlemagic takes me there, that’s not actually the url. It’s http://www.faceyourmanga.com/welcome.htm

    Also, I has comfort food recipe! Put saucepan on stove on high. Add an approximately equal ratio of quaker type oats, and water. (a cup or so of each is about one serving. More if you’re hungry.) Add a pat of butter, some applesauce or apple butter or a packet of apple cider mix, craisins, and brown sugar to taste. Cook 5-10? minutes, until oats are softening to correct eating consistency. Mmmm.

  28. CassandraSays, cats eat weird stuff. Mine have been baned from the kitchen for years because my Bluebell jumped up into the sink, grabbed the head of broccoli that was there in her mouth, dragged it down onto the floor and sat there gnawing on it. Weird cat. And both of them also love cabbage.

  29. Chicken soup recipe:
    2 bone in chicken breasts (or 2 cups pre-cooked shredded chicken)
    2 boxes chicken broth
    2-4 cloves garlic, minced
    3-4 chopped carrots
    1 chopped onion
    3-4 ribs chopped celery (if you’re into that sort of thing, we’re not at my house)
    egg noodles
    salt & pepper to taste
    Etc: herbs (rosemary, basil, oregano, chili powder, etc…) if you feel like it. Frankly, I think it’s fine with just the above.

    Put the chicken breasts in the chicken broth and boil until the meat easily shreds (15-20 minutes). Remove from broth, shred off bone, discard bone and skin. If you’re using pre-cooked chicken, skip this step and just bring the broth to boiling. Add chicken meat, garlic carrots, onion, celery and herbs and simmer for 10-15 minutes. Add egg noodles and continue to simmer for 10 minutes (which is usually the cook time on the package). Remove from heat and add salt & pepper to taste.

    Serves 6-8 adults. Whenever my partner and I are sick, I cook up a batch of this and it gets us through the cold.

    (I suggested chili powder b/c spice will help if you’ve got a cold. Maybe not so much with a stomach virus, though)

  30. Shiyiya, my cat also loves broccoli and will gladly steal it if left unattended. She is also a fan of eggs, even before I crack the shell open she’s all up in my business trying to get at the egg. When my children brought home a carton of hard-boiled and decorated eggs at Easter, she sat on the table mewing at them for hours before I finally gave up and just let her have one.

  31. That’s it, I’m trading my cat in for a Broccoli Kitten model. (I probably shouldn’t have children, huh?)

  32. I’m very confused about the new “Eastwick” series. Just how long is going to take those chicks to figure out that hot Big wannabe is like the devil. It seems like it happened much faster when Cher, Susan and Michelle were on the case.

    Also my boyfriend makes eggplant parm and moves the whole party onto a loaf of garlic bread. It’s new hotness.

  33. MissPrism, yeah, except she stole THE ENTIRE RAW HEAD OF BROCCOLI, not just a floret or two. It was pretty funny :P

    And then they don’t even completely clean the tuna can when I give it to them to lick after I empty it for my own use (bearing in mind that they sit at the edge of the kitchen yowling at me until I do give it to them).

    I think the funniest thing about them being banned from the kitchen is that Bluebell thinks that if she can walk in from BEHIND the trash can that sits at the end of a bit of counter at one of the kitchen’s two entrances/exits, that it’s COMPLETELY DIFFERENT AND ALLOWED. It’s only in front of the trash can that’s bad, right? Oh, and after we put new flooring down she spent weeks trying to pretend she thought the kitchen was allowed now because the laminate didn’t have a big black line at the edge like the linoleum did. Clever, but not clever enough!

  34. Gracie, I love that rendition of Danny Boy. My real favorite, though is Jackie Wilson’s. I can’t access youtube from work but it’s not hard to find. It will give you goosebumps on your goosebumps, it’s one of the most amazing vocal performances I’ve ever heard.

  35. Cats are thieving wretches. One of my two is into bread and bakery products. I’ll bake a cake and leave it to cool and she’ll sneak up on the counter and lick it. I left a sealed packet of brioche rolls out once and she ripped it open and gnawed every single roll.

    Also, she enjoys deliberately pushing things off tables, especially money, which is hilarious because it looks so much like she’s stealing it to spend on, I dunno, mice. Breaded mice.

  36. Anybody else’s cats love licking any and all plastic bags, or are mine uniquely insane?

    Also I just remembered that Bluebell once chewed right through the middle of a bag of beef jerky. Little brat :P

  37. Oh no, my cat loves licking plastic bags. It doesn’t bother me too much, but it drove my last roommate absolutely insane. He’d wake her up in the middle of the night with it, and then he’d hide under her bed so she couldn’t chase him out and he could resume his licking as soon as she fell back asleep. :-)

  38. My cat wakes me up in the middle of the night by opening the cabinet door where her food is kept. She doesn’t open it up all the way, only enough to stick her head in to pop the lid off the cat food storage container to steal a bite then lets the door shut, repeat over and over again. After about 12 bangs of the door my fondness of her dramatically decreases. She does this even with a full food bowl readily available to her.

  39. Unintentionally funny personalized license plates. There are a lot of them where I live.

    Ooh, ooh, there’s a car in my commuter lot with the license plate “S1VRFOX” (silver fox). Having seen the guy on a number of occasions, I don’t think it was intended to be funny; I think that’s how he thinks of himself. Now I always get a chuckle when I see him or his car.

    Grace, that is quite possibly the most moving rendition of “Danny Boy” I have ever seen. :D

    Let’s see. My male cat has outgrown his kitten willingness to eat any and all people foods (used to have to shut him in bedrooms during dinner until he learned that jumping on the table and stealing food right off of our plates was unacceptable), but still cries for melon and winter squash.

    Oh, and recently I’ve seen people driving on the freeway while reading the newspaper, eating something out of a bowl with a spoon, and shaving with an electric razor. Makes me feel nice and safe.

  40. Oh, and kids: my husband’s cousin’s little boy, when he was about two, had trouble with the “tr” sound: it always came out as an “f” sound. His aunt Jamie had way too much fun telling him to say “truck truck truck!” for audiences.

  41. Jmars, may I recommend to you omrice? You basically make a thin omelette and then gently wrap it over warm fried rice and put ketchup and sesame seeds on top. I know it sounds dubious, but it is excellent.

    Tonight I will be making winter squash porridge, which is very easy and very slow, and has little dumplings in it. It’s an incredible comfort food. And because I’m eating it alone, I can make the dumplings eye-ball sized rather than pea sized, which may well take half an hour off my prep. (It’s good even without the dumplings, and cheaper than beans – $1.25 worth of buttercup squash and maybe $1 worth of sweet rice flour and $.10 of sugar makes dinner plus quite a few lunches.)

    Hobakjuk from Maangchi on Vimeo.

  42. Oh, and I just learned how to upload to youtube, so here’s EVIDENCE. Dark and fuzzy evidence, ‘cos our dining room light’s broken, but here is T. H. Morgan Cat half-inching a cheque for £100:

  43. i-geek: I believe that may have been my brother’s first word, “truck” with that particular lisp… Mine were “No, let ME do it!” (about tying my shoes) –it really says a lot about my personality, dunnit?

  44. A former roommate had a cat who was obsessed with cardboard boxes, so whenever we came back from Costco, we’d leave the boxes/crates on the floor and he would climb in and immediately start chomping them. He could get the box pretty well shorn down by two days. Cleaning up the shredded bits was a pain. Fortunately, he never ATE the boxes. Just shredded them. From the inside. I liked that cat.

  45. Funny kid story. An friend of mine told me that, when her oldest son was 2, he tried to feed a cookie to her vagina. Apparently, he thought it was a furry animal.

  46. *waves* I’m new here, but I have a cute-kid-saying-vaguely-inappropriate-things story.
    A couple of years ago, my ex and I were picking up his three-year-old, cherubic-looking son. Once in the car, his son asks if we want to hear the song he learned while at his grandmother’s house. Expecting “Row, Row Your Boat” or “Mary Had A Little Lamb,” we enthusiastically agree. Much to our surprise, he begins stumbling over “We don’t need no education…..all in all you’re just another brick in the wall.” Hilarity ensued for the rest of the afternoon.

  47. I’ve spent some time googling around and can’t find a definition of jellied eels- they all seem to be referring to a comment someone made on an epic thread, which I did roll down to little effect, not even sure if it was the right epic thread.

    Would someone mind sharing that particular addition to Shapeling Dialect?

    The Danny Boy is great.

    My very huge white dog decided he needed to get into bed with me, which most days is not good. Today, 115 pounds of unconditionally loving canine that’s also warm improves things no end. He does not, however, like broccoli.

    And now, I am going to make waffles.

  48. OK. My sister and BIL are huge Dodgers fans and they take my 3 year old niece to the game once every week or two. Hence, they have a LOT of Dodgers memorabilia in the house. They are also friends with a player on the Seattle Mariners who were playing the Dodgers a couple of weeks ago so they were driving him back to his hotel after the game.

    My niece leans over to my sister and asks in a whisper, “Mommy, where will we keep this Dodger?” She thought they were taking him home like all of the bobbleheads, bats and helmets they get at the games!

  49. @ Anthrok8

    Jellied eels = cooked eel in a fishy jelly made from eel stock. Served cold, it’s a London delicacy. Apparently.

    Ewwww.

  50. On the cute things kids do: this morning my 11 year old daughter packed my lunch for me while I was getting ready and when I looked inside my bag, I see she’s included a juice box and curious george fruit snacks.

  51. My contribution, a cute video of some small rodent called Mocha. I hope the link goes automatically, if not the address is:

    And though it’s already well-known, this is still one of the most beautiful places I know of that I haven’t yet gotten to:

    http://www.fairmont.com/banffsprings/

  52. Man, the mention of waffles reminds me:

    I was adding seasonings to a can of chicken and rice soup last night to make it edible, and I happened to look at the bottle of basil at what it recommends you add it to. The standard predictable tomato dishes and chicken and pizza, and then it says you should add it to WAFFLES. I wtf’d.

  53. Since we had JoCo in a recent post here is this ASL version of Re: Eat Your Brains. As someone currently learning ASL take my word for it, his signing is amazing, his expression are perfect and his glossing is really nice. Plus I learned how to sign ‘nitpick’ and ‘fuck’ from him.

    Also fun story, I wrote a paper on Romanticism for my modern european history class, comparing the movement to modern times. I used Kanye West as a parallel to Lord Byron, what with the debauchery and all. I got an A on the paper, but when I got it back my 60 something year old professor had had to correct my spelling of his name because I spelled it Kayne. Fail on my part.

    Here’s another video by the same guy signing “the 7 Things I Hate About You,” by Miley Cyrus.

    Also can anyone tell me how you get a nifty picture on here? I love my monster but I’d like to change it if anyone can explain in a way I can understand. Which might be difficult because I just consider my computer working to be ‘magic.’

  54. MissPrism, that is too cute! I have a brother-sister pair of cats, the boy kitty has an obsession with a specific kitchen drawer, the ‘junk’ drawer where we keep tools and quarters and stuff. He used to rush across the apartment and do a FLYING LEAP to end in a dangling chin-up on the edge of the drawer. We never managed to get video of it though. Now he just does a more demure stretchy-toes act whenever I crack a new roll of quarters.

  55. Ok, since Faith shared that story, I just have to add my childhood swearing story. My mom is a huge Giants fan and often has choice things to say about the Dodgers. What really cleaned up her language after I was born was me saying, in a crowded place, in my piping little girl voice (I must have been 2 or 3 at the time), “Fuck the Dodgers!”

  56. I don’t have a cat, but my sister dropped a $20 bill and I found my dog with it between his paws and licking it later. It wasn’t torn or anything, just… uh, a little wet. Eeew.

    And here’s something random and funny from my town’s 250th anniversary parade: TURTLE BUS.

  57. Well, it’s not profanity, but when I was a small thing I didn’t really watch TV (other than Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers’ Neighbourhood). Certainly I did not watch Looney Tunes. So, I’m reading through one of my children’s books at age five or so, and I ask my dad about Yosemite Sam – only I pronounced it according to Proper Rules of Pronunciation, so it came out more like “yohs” (vowel sound equivalent to “oh”) “might”. My dad did a double take and said “Don’t you mean [correct pronunciation]?” and I, in all my five year old VERY SMART attitude, said “Don’t be silly Daddy, that’s not how English is pronounced.”

    I was a bizarre child. (Apparently at age six or so I also told my parents I wanted to have sex with Batman. This incident, I do not recall.)

    Oh, cats and things they eat! Mine both lick plastic bags. One of them steals bread and vegetables, but never meat, off my plate. The other one bathes the couch. No, I don’t get it either.

  58. Anita — omrice sounds totally nom!

    It’s very strange how many innate behaviors cats have. Among our pride of 6, we have a box sitter (watching a very large cat try to squish himself into a shoe box is hilarious, and he gets so offended when we laugh at him) and a tabletop cleaner (she particularly loves to nose DVDs off the TV cabinet top, but will usually stop when we say “Fiona, that belongs there”). Several of them like to sit in the windows and “call” birds by making a weird “ick-ick-icka” sound. And my mother-in-law has a cat who ate everything she ate, including cantaloupe, grapes and Froot Loops.

  59. Grace,

    I see your “Danny Boy” and I raise you an “Ode to Joy”:

    *fingers crossed that the html worked*

    Also, Nomie, you just officially made my day! That bus is the awesomest thing EVER. (Says the guy who has given serious thought to getting a TMNT tattoo.)

  60. oh, if we’re including ourselves in funny things kids say…

    My dad used to tell the story of me on an airplane for the first time. I was about 5, and insistent on fastening my own seatbelt. After wrestling with it for a while, I get it hooked, and announce loudly — into one of those lulls that always seems to happen at the worst times — “daddy, look! I’m a good hooker!”

  61. My cousin’s cat loved cantaloupe! I thought he was alone in that brand of weird.

    Everything I’ve mentioned so far as been my cat Bluebell. Her sister, Tabby, the hard of thinking kitty, has different issues. Like how you’ll be petting her, and she’ll walk just out of reach, then look back at you accusingly, like “Why have you stopped giving me attention?!” My dad has labeled our cats as Attention Deficit House Cat (as in she always wants more attention *and* has no attention span) and Post Traumatic Stress Kitty (she got out of the house when she was a kitten and was missing for almost a full 24hrs and hasn’t been the same since).

    Jmars, mine do the k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k thing at birds too. I wonder what it signifies?

  62. My kick-butt pasta sauce recipe–works every time. Comforting in a truly marvelous way. Also great for dinner parties.

    Use bacon if you can’t get pancetta–I use a whole half pound package b/c I don’t otherwise use bacon. I use a small can of evaporated whole milk plus water b/c we don’t use whole milk–you do have to use whole milk. Use frozen onions if you hate to chop.

    Don’t worry that it looks pallid before it simmers.It will darken up.
    This is obscenely wonderful!!

    http://www.realsimple.com/food-recipes/browse-all-recipes/fettucine-bolognese-sauce-10000001049373/

  63. Just Some Trans Guy, I have to ask: which turtle? (We had the bus because the creators used to live in my area. My parents partied with them Back In The Day.)

    More fluff, and deserving of allcaps: CUPCAKE CAR!

  64. My cousin’s dad is a construction worker, so what the weather will be like on any given morning has a lot of impact on how his day is going to go. The awkward influence of this situation was brought to light when, early in the winter, at 2 1/2, she climbed into her Grandma’s lap, pointed out the window and said with wonder “Look, Gramma! Fuckin’ snow!!”

  65. My cats (all three of them now) eat mandarin orange slices and think it’s a special treat. How it started:

    A LiveJournal friend posted a couple years ago about the angrily disappointed look a cat gets on its face when you offer it a piece of orange. I thought, “hey, that sounds fun, let me offer my cat here a piece of this orange I’m eating.” Much to my surprise, he started licking it and biting it instead! Over the next few months I tried him on mango and peach and he liked them both too, but then one day I offered him a slice of mandarin orange (the kind in syrup) and now he won’t go back to those other fruits. Gotta be in syrup for him now, he’s spoiled. (Note, I asked the vet and she said it’s fine to feed him fruit in moderation.)

    So these days I buy a package of mandarin orange fruit cups few months. It’s his special treat, and we have a routine: I shake the fruit cup so he notices I have it, he runs over, I peel back the lid and drink off the extra syrup while he waits, then I offer him a segment. He wrinkles his nose up cutely and eats it: nom nom nom. Then I eat a couple of segments, then I offer him another one, etc. Sometimes he decides he’s done after he’s had two, other times he sticks around for a couple more.

    Then a couple of weeks ago my mom decided my younger two cats should get to try this delicacy, and now they’re hooked too. They’re not nearly as polite about it as my older cat, though–they’ll try to stick their noses right in the cup instead of waiting for me to hand them one. (I guard the cup so they can’t, of course, but they try!)

    All three cats are orange and white, so we say that this must be how they keep the orange color in their fur.

    On another subject, have y’all seen this Florida license plate? Snopes says it’s true!

    http://www.snopes.com/photos/risque/license.asp

  66. oh, if we’re including ourselves in funny things kids say…

    Oh, on that topic, I used to crack my parents up all the time.

    Upon being told that Sinterklaas (the Dutch Santa Clause) wasn’t real, I smart-assedly replied with, “Oh well, then I guess Jesus doesn’t exist either.”
    I assume my reasoning was that this was another guy that my parents kept saying I should believe in in order to get good things, but I never saw him around, either.

  67. Damanique, it cracks me up that 20 acres is described in the article as a “huge farm.” Very different cultural standards there than here.

  68. Chicken enchiladas, my ultimate comfort food. They’re amazing when you make them but even better the next day. OM NOM NOM.

    I don’t measure anything so these are ballpark and kind of up to personal preference. And it’s also going to be kind of confusing, as we’ve had to change the size of tortillas we use because we can’t find the right ones anywhere here.

    1 lb boneless skinless chicken breast (I use the strips you can buy frozen or fresh)
    3 regular containers of plain yogurt (regular = what you’d pack in your lunch)
    2 cans cream of chicken soup
    1 small can of diced green chilis
    1 can black olives
    ~2 cups (combined) shredded cheddar and jack cheese (I usually get colby jack or another two cheese mixture in the packet because I’m lazy).
    24 taco-size corn tortillas (we used to make them with 12 corn tortillas that were larger but we can’t find that size anymore, so use a larger size if you’d like).

    Preheat oven to 350.

    Cut up chicken into small chunks, cook over medium heat until cooked through. Dice (or if you’re me, just cut into small pieces because I can’t dice) about half the can of black olives (or however many you feel like). In a medium bowl, combine yogurt, cream of chicken soup, and olive pieces. Drain chilis, add to mixture to taste. Add a handful or two of the shredded cheese to mixture.

    Before adding the chicken to the mixture, take a spatula and “grease” the bottom of a 9×13 dish with the mixture. Add chicken to mixture. Begin filling tortillas with a glob of the stuff, using 2 overlapping tortillas per enchilada. Do not use up all the mixture!! You are aiming for 10 enchiladas long-way, aligned to one side, with two enchiladas filling the gap on the other side. Or just however you feel like fitting them in.

    Make sure you have plenty of mixture leftover, because now you need to spread what’s left over the top of the enchiladas. Top with preferred amount of cheese. Slice remaining olives into little Os and sprinkle over the top.

    Cover with aluminum foil and bake at 350 for 25 minutes. Remove foil, bake for another 10-15 minutes (until everything is melty and gooey and delicious). Remove from oven. Turn off oven. Pile enchiladas onto plate. ENJOY.

    We prefer ours to be a bit “soupier” than this recipe calls for, so we usually add more yogurt and cream of chicken soup. When I made it Wednesday, I added a huge container of yogurt and a family size can of cream of chicken soup. It was awesome.

  69. I love fluff. When I’m about to feed my wiener dog, I say in my baby-talk voice, “do you want breakfast? Do you want breakfast?” He then does his Happy Happy Joy Joy dance, which consists of turning around in circles and bounding joyfully around the kitchen. It warms my heart every time.

    Dissertation Title: A Phenomenological Analysis of the Experiences of Toilet Seats: How Looking at Butts all Day Negatively Influences the Psyche

  70. Nomie,
    As though there’s any real choice? Donatello is CLEARLY the bestest turtle ever. True fact! :D

    (Also, I am so outrageously jealous of your parents. I HAVE NO WORDS.)

  71. My chickens react to laser pointer light in much the same way as my cats. I’ll try to get a video up of the girls, I think the collective would appreciate it.

  72. One of the names my son has used for gaming is Lord Satal and he has started getting mail addressed to that. The first line always starts out: Dear Lord…. It cracks us up everytime….

  73. I’ve been trying to find the picture I once saw of a kitten chewing on a pit bull’s ear, but I can’t, so I give you savannah kitten trying to eat a pit bull.

  74. My tuxedo cat, Figment, is a boxsitter too. He also likes to lick people. He’ll lick your hand or arm as long as you let him. I have discouraged him from licking my face; I know where his tongue’s been. He does many interesting/weird kitty things, like abhoring a mostly-closed door. If he can get a paw in, he must open it and go on the other side. And one day I heard him scratching in the bathtub while I was having my morning ablutions, then I heard “trickle trickle” and I peeked around the corner of the shower curtain-he had his butt poised right directly over the drain and was peeing into it. Not the tub, just the drain. Very carefully. I would prefer if he’d use the toilet but still… he has never done #2 in the tub, only #1 right into the drain. Weird.
    Oh, and being a short-haired cat, he’s not prone to hairballs, but he got one last week and was terrified. He was AACK AACKing and I kinda patted him on the back until he brought it up then I cleaned it up and after that he would not leave me alone. It scared him half to death-he insisted on being on my lap for hours afterwards.

  75. I KEEP BEING REMINDED OF NEW AND AMUSING THINGS THAT MY CATS DO THAT I MUST SHAAAAAARE WITH THE INTERNETS.

    Weird habit of Bluebell’s: She sticks her paw in the water dish when she’s drinking and laps right next to it. My dad’s theory is that she’s farsighted and can’t tell where the surface of the water is so has to check with her paw, so she’s Depth Gauge Kitty.

    Also, this morning she jumped into the empty tub, so I dropped an acorn that was sitting on my bathroom shelf for some reason in with her, and she spent a wonderful 20 minutes chasing it around. It made me nostalgic for when she was a kitten and used to chase her tail in the tub, which we still rue never having gotten video of.

  76. Woooo, Eucritta got us piglets! :) I’d like to contribute some as well:

    http://www.abc.net.au/news/video/2008/12/31/2457047.htm

    I think I’ve shared this before, but my oldest was about three, and I suppose he was trying out the F word because he busted out with “I just don’t know what to DO with ALL THIS FUCKNESS!” The fact that an Amishman was standing six feet away, though, made it true performance art.

  77. My dad’s theory is that she’s farsighted and can’t tell where the surface of the water is so has to check with her paw, so she’s Depth Gauge Kitty.

    Mine does similar things, especially to water glasses — including empty ones. I think he’s very unsure as to what is water and what is glass.

  78. My cat likes lettuce leaves. The only way I can eat a salad in peace is if I make him a salad first and give it to him in a bowl and then eat mine faster than he eats his.

  79. Heartflare, I LOVE that video! How I have never seen that before boggles my mind, thank you so much for it.

    On the subject of crazy cats, mine has a foot fetish. Her favorite thing in the world is licking the toes of anyone slow enough for her to molest.

  80. My cat drags her water bowl around the kitchen as she is drinking. You can imagine the flood this causes. I’ve bruised my butt more than once because of this habit of hers.

  81. “I just don’t know what to DO with ALL THIS FUCKNESS!”

    Brilliant. Utterly, hysterically brilliant. I can’t believe I’ve lived without this phrase for so long. I may have to shout it out of the window right this minute.

  82. My first car’s license plates were stolen, so I went to the DMV and picked up new ones. I opened them in the parking lot and the number was 2WAT###. WTF? I put them on the car.

    A few years later I got a note on my windshield saying something to the effect (or is it affect) “I’ll bet you think you’re funny, you rotten woman hater, you!” Ummm, talk to the DMV. I sat down on the asphalt and laughed ’till I cried.

    My cat used to steal tomatoes off of the kitchen counter and eat them. Once he stuck his whole head into a mug of tomato soup. When he came out he had it all over his whiskers.

  83. Thanks Shiyiya, I had heaps of fun making a mangatar! Maybe I’ll get around to using it here, even.

    Also, this is making my life really bright-coloured and fun lately (attention! may get stuck in your head for, like, forever and irritate you to no end, but I’m loving it!):

  84. Doggy fluff is encouraged? Okay, my little dog is an Italian Greyhound, a breed known for being intelligent but not trainable. She is, however, good at training humans to the point where I sometimes find myself giving her a treat without realizing it.

    Her morning routine is a good example. I get out of bed, and immediately stagger to the kitchen with her dancing around my ankles and tapping my butt. Then I give her a treat and go shower. When I come out, she’s in my place in the bed, under the covers. She gets out when she damn well feels like it and goes to one of her many actual dog beds for more snoozing, leaving us to make the bed, clean her paper tray, and earn money for more dog treats.

  85. Dear Contents of My Children’s Stomachs,

    May I speak candidly?

    You had a good run. Everyone loved you when you were lunch, getting endearingly smeared on the high chair, in hair, on little kid faces. Everyone feigned enthusiastic interest when you were sculpted into volcanoes or diggers or dams or lakes or walls or dinosaurs or aliens, as part of the “LOOK MOMMY! LOOK MOMMY! MOMMY! MOMMY! MOMMY! LOOK! MOMMY LOOK! LOOK MOMMY! MOMMY! MOMMY?! MOMMY LOOK!” exhibit.

    But let’s face it. Your time in the spotlight is over. Now is REALLY the time — nay, it’s well PAST time — to retire out of the spotlight; to take on a much (much!) more private, though no less important, role. Please believe me when I tell you that public appearances are doing nothing for your approval ratings.

    Kind regards,

    N and M’s mom

  86. I can’t believe I’ve lived without this phrase for so long. I may have to shout it out of the window right this minute.

    Isn’t it just perfect for so many occasions? You can use it while surfing the web, when you first get to work, in traffic, in your dealings with family at home. It’s like the Snuggie of exclamations.

  87. My 3 yo daughter has inherited my complete inability to understand song lyrics. Which doesn’t stop her from singing at the top of her lungs while on the swing at the playground–with her eyes closed. For instance, in Twinkle Twinkle, she sings “up a dove the world so high.” But even better: her favorite song from the tv show “Miss Spider’s Sunny Patch” is “Bug Buddies” which she interprets as “Butt Buddies, butt buddies, we are best butt buddies!” When I’m not laughing too hard I enjoy watching the double-takes from the other parents in the park.

  88. Dear Dissertation,

    I really feel like I’m the one doing all the work here.

    Love,
    A Sarah

    (Okay, done serial commenting, srsly off to nap now…)

  89. Dissatisfied with the room service, one of our cats once shat in my partner’s handbag. She did not realise that this had happened until she reached into her bag while at the bank counter. I’m still disappointed that she didn’t go for the obvious “I’d like to make a deposit” joke.

  90. I told this story once before, and it is not profanity, but it is about a kid being awesome, so here goes:

    My then about three )I think) year old baby sister was very curious about he rbody, as you are. So she asked what the different parts are called. after one such conversation, she saw my brother naked during bathtime (he is a little less than two years older) and commented to my mom: “Max does not have a Doris!” (Doris=clitoris) Take that, Freud! No “penis-envy” here!!!

  91. Also on the note of shape-related fluff: One of the most important woman’s magizines here in Germany, called Brigitte, has anounced that from now on, they will be employing only lay-models. Hopefully, this will lead to a broader spectrum of bodies being presented to us in the pretty pretty clothes.

    Another fluffy thing.
    A couple of weeks ago, was watching a show on TV that starts with a one-minute-of-knowledge-about… segment. The topic of the segment that day? How studies have shown that people who are overweight according to BMI, with a BMI between 25 and 30, are actually healthoer than those who are in the “normal” range. Now, they lessened my excitement by still insisting that everything over 30 can still be dangerous, but was still amazed that such a main-stream show actually told it’s viewers that there are scientific facts that put the whole “the thinner, the better” idea into question and that aestetic norms do not eaqual standards of health.

  92. The ultimate best comfort food, and something people outside my locale seem to rarely know about, is Puffed Wheat Cake.

    ⅔ cup margarine
    1 cup corn syrup
    2 cup brown sugar
    8 tbsp. cocoa
    1 tsp. vanilla
    16 cups puffed wheat

    Put puffed wheat in very large bowl. Leave room for mixing syrup
    in.

    Melt butter in saucepan over medium heat. Add all other
    ingredients except puffed wheat to saucepan, turn heat to
    medium high. Stir constantly.

    Use candy thermometer and when syrup has
    reached 200 degrees, pour over and mix with puffed wheat, press
    into well greased pan.

    Nice and chewy. NOTE: Do not overboil the syrup.

  93. Before I started Law School I heard about this game, but I’ve never actually seen it in practice. It’s called Asshole Bingo and you could probably apply it to any college-level (or higher) class. Every (relatively large) class has at least 5 people that feel the need to speak up, regardless of whether their comments are useful, relevant to discussion, or in furtherance of the topic. So take those 5 people’s names and you’ve got your accross columns. The hard part is the down column. In law school the first year they break us into sections and those 100 people or so have the same five classes which takes care of the down column. Perhaps you could break your 50 min. class into 5 ten minute segments and attempt to predict at what point a specific asshole will speak up. If someone actually makes Bingo they then have to declare bingo in class, outloud. Never had the guts to try it myself, but it always sounded like fun.

  94. Alarming 1980’s workout outfits

    Here, for you:
    Women at Large: 30-Minute Workout. Obvs very 80s. I think the colors were chosen to not only be fashionable but to wake people up in the morning.

    Alternatively, to help you sleep, here’s the song “Close Your Eyes” with (hilarious) signing as well (the song actually starts about 2 minutes in). Lyrics here.

  95. A Sarah, the FUCKNESS made me laugh out loud, thanks! And every time I see it again I laugh more! AWESOME KID.

    SM, it is an odd behaviour. She used to like to stick her paw in my water glass too, come to think of it, which is one of the two reasons I modified a peanut butter jar lid to have a hole for a straw and cover the top. (The other reason was that moths kept falling in. Ew.)

    Hanna, I am fascinated by those girls’ hairstyles. Gravity-defying! And now I want to go listen to My Boy Lollipop by Millie Small ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pqcpt-BKZBM )

  96. Also, she enjoys deliberately pushing things off tables, especially money, which is hilarious because it looks so much like she’s stealing it to spend on, I dunno, mice. Breaded mice.

    One of mine does that too! Well, two of mine — the older female loves to tip over glasses on the off chance that they might make a a fascinating flood (or better yet, a cool smashing noise that makes the humans react so entertainingly).

    It’s the younger male who prefers things that bounce and roll when they hit the floor, like coins. I once lay in bed early in the morning and watched him discover the stack of two quarters and a nickel I’d left on my dresser: daintily push nickel off top of stack. Watch nickel hit floor and roll until it stops completely. Daintily push one quarter off the other and watch *that* hit the floor and roll to a complete stop. Push remaining quarter off. Leave to look around for something else interesting to do.

  97. Also, she enjoys deliberately pushing things off tables, especially money, which is hilarious because it looks so much like she’s stealing it to spend on, I dunno, mice. Breaded mice.

    Yeah, my family’s cat does that, too. He’ll knock a pen off the table and then sit there looking at you until you put it back. So he can knock it off again. He’ll sneak up on the pencil and *pounce*, then look so smug that it clearly didn’t know what was coming. He especially likes it when he can bat the pencils on end, so that they have more of a sproingy effect.

  98. (This story is probably not going to make any sense and you all are going to think I’m insane. Oh well, I can’t resist crazy cat stories.)

    My husband likes to narrate our cats’ interior monologues, which never fails to crack me up. Our middle cat is persnickety, finicky, standoffish…very feline. So of course, her interior monologue involves swearing like a sailor.

    She also likes to take her collar off. Not chew it, not slip out of it – she unbuckles it and leaves it for us to find. When this first started, my husband declared that unlabeled cats couldn’t be trusted, as she could be anyone. Like Jeff. So we took to calling her “Jeff” anytime she lost her collar. She glared at us EVERY SINGLE TIME.

    Recently I bought her a collar with a clip instead of a buckle and described it as being “Jeff-proof.” This made my husband decide that Jeff is her Gollum-like evil side that tries to get out but is thwarted by the collar.

    “NOOOOOOOOOOO! MUST TAKES IT OFF! IT BURNS US!”

    (Yeah, I warned you.)

  99. Oh my god Curvygirl, that cookie story is seriously funny!
    Also, may I just give a big THANK YOU to A Sarah? This has truly soothed my soul :-)

  100. “I just don’t know what to DO with ALL THIS FUCKNESS!”

    De-lurking to say that I am laughing myself to tears as quietly as I possibly can in my cube at work. So much awesome.

    Also, this is one of my favorite commercials of ALL TIME and I was so happy to find it on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LU2yt6wOoK0

    Now if I can just find the commercial where the cat is sitting on the stairs and suddenly sneezes, sending all its fur into the air…

    (BTW, I used to post occasionally as KittyL – hi!)

  101. When my oldest made his first reading breakthrough in kindergarten, as a reward his teacher gave him the very adorable book, “Mouse Count.” And he came out of school beaming that afternoon, waving the book at me and yelling, “Look, Mommy! MOUSE CUNT!!!!”

  102. When my older son began first grade, he tried to test my reaction to profanity one day while we were walking home from school. I asked him how his day went, and he said, “Fine, except that Miss Rodriguez gave us too much fucking homework.”

    Luckily my (involuntary) reaction was the right one: I cracked up. And he realized that he couldn’t rattle me that way, so it was a win-win. Plus, I couldn’t argue with him: Miss Rodriguez *did* give them too much fucking homework.

  103. Testing my new avatar!

    Also, to offer something to others while I comment, here’s something I’ll probably find funny forever:

  104. my grandfather lives in a nursing home. They held a pirate-themed party and they took an adorable picture of him wearing a pirate patch. It’s awesome.

  105. oh and A Sarah saying “Life’s rich pageant” reminds me of the totally awesome album of the same name by R.E.M.

  106. I wish I could offer some funny stories about my dog, who is a very old (I’ve had him for 10 years and he was an adult of unknown age when I got him) and sweet cross between a chow-chow and a golden retriever. The best I can do is say that when I put something especially yummy into his bowl (yogurt, or some mashed potatoes or a couple of French Fries), the cats will often get there first and try to eat it. This 70+ pound dog will BACK AWAY from the bowl, walk over to one of us and sit down with a look on his face that says “please, please, get them away from my food.”

    I’ve tried to explain to him that he’s more than 5 times the size of the biggest cat, but it doesn’t seem to matter. The only time I’ve ever heard him actually bark at the cats is when they wake him up by chewing on his feet. I don’t know why they do that; I think that the cats just like to remind him that they are the bosses. (Oh, jeez, it occurs to me that even my dog stories are about the cats.)

    Anyway (((A Sarah))) and hope everyone’s tummy is better soon. And thanks for the sharing, folks. This would have been an awfully tough Friday without these stories to read.

  107. These stories leave me with the sense that our family is a little too open about the concept of pubic hair management.

    1) My cousin’s wife was sitting on the couch in a nightshirt with her (at the time) five-year old daughter F who noticed that her mom wasn’t wearing any panties. F lifted up my cousin’s nightshirt and told her mother, rather scoldingly, “You better shave your vagina. You better.” That final phrase has become a bit of a household joke.

    2) My (at the time) four-year old niece was sitting on my brother’s lap, feeling the prickle of her uncle’s five-o’clock shadow, and told him he needed to shave. He said, “No, you need to shave,” to which she retorted, “Girls don’t shave their faces, just their vaginas.”

    Ah! This one’s different:

    My niece Bailey got tired of my father Max calling her “Beetle,” as in the comic strip, so she proposed the following agreement: “Papa, I’ll let you call me Beetle if you let me call you Maxipad.” Thereafter, whenever she saw him, he’d call out, “Hi Beetle!” and she’d gleefully call back, “Hi Maxipad!”

  108. Erm, I’m the same as kristin above — not Kristin, mind you. Different computers, signed on with different emails. Sigh.

    Now if I can just find the commercial where the cat is sitting on the stairs and suddenly sneezes, sending all its fur into the air…

    I have some small fame in my family attached to that commercial. The first time I saw it, I was sitting in my inlaws’ TV room, on their ivory carpet, watching the tube with my husband. Commercial came on just as I took a big swig of Diet Coke, the cat sneezed, and bam! I spat it all out over the ivory carpet.

    For a long time my husband could reduce me to absolutely helpless giggles by imitating that cat sneeze.

  109. Our corgis are always up to no good. Dylan is starting to lose his back end, probably to degenerative myleopathy, and either thinks he has to pee all the time or is totally unaware that he is, in fact, peeing. (we go through a lot of old towels) But he will go up to Mr. Buttercup and start muttering at him, mmmr. mmRmRRRmmmMr. MMMrrrrrr. RRRRRRMMMMMMMMM! And Mr Buttercup says “WHAT????” and Dylan gives him the giant puppy eyes and Mr. Buttercup melts. Nothing like corgi eyes. Then Mr. B will take him outside and he will either pee, eat grass, or eat fallen apples. This dog eats grass like a sheep, I’ve never seen anything like it.

    We’ve been getting pretty indulgent with him lately since we know he’s likely not going to be with us much longer.

  110. Here are some cute puppy videos. Some of you may have already seen one of these recently on IHasAHotdog, but I dug up the original poster and found more videos of the same puppy!

    We have:

    Butterball going upstairs. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e6TE6RJmFkI

    Butterball going downstairs. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4kQnrKvOTNg

    Butterball learning to sit. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMOUMe0Z4co

    Aaaaand a litter of entirely different corgi puppies herding a cat, a perennial favorite of mine. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZF5S5ko8dc

  111. My cat sometimes gets worried when people go to the bathroom and will stand outside mewing fervently and sticking her paws under the door. She’s like “Don’t you know? There’s water in there! It isn’t safe!”
    Once though, she just stood in the bathtub meowing at full volume for no reason. I had to rescue her.

  112. @Puffalo:

    My cat’s do the same thing when the door is shut, but when I leave it open they understand that I’m trapped and as long as I’ve got nothing better to do I might as well pet them…or else. My big cat has been known to nip at my leg when I refuse to pet him while on the toilet.

  113. Yes, this is a cat for you. They will completely ignore you for hours, won’t even look at you when you call their name but the moment you go the bathroom they must have you NOW and there will be dire consequences if you dare to ignore them.

    Just don’t ever accidentally leave the door cracked while in the shower. I had the scratches on my legs for over a week when my kitten got a little too curious and fell into the shower.

  114. My cat takes it one step further and not only follows me into the bathroom but jumps on my knees and waits to be petted- while I am sitting on the toilet.

  115. Speaking of cats and bathrooms, one of my cats would be happy to jump into your pants and settle down if you were on the toilet here and left the door open.

  116. Lauren, my beagle thinks that a person sitting on the toilet is clearly someone with nothing better to do than pet her… so she sits herself down between their knees and rests her chin on their (bare) thigh, which is fine when it’s me but awkward with guests. She is helped along because we don’t have DOORKNOBS in our house, so it is more or less impossible to close a door without stacking heavy things behind it.

    Then again, this is also the dog that thinks the best way to bond is to follow you around after a shower licking the water from your calves. Charming.

  117. We have two semi-feral cats, one of whom we can never pet. The other one only lets my husband pet her, and only when he’s on the toilet.

  118. RE: cats knocking stuff off tables.

    In the morning when it is time for me to get up my cat Dora will pick up my glasses off the bedside table and drop them on the floor. Apparently I will pick them up and put them back on the table so I don’t step on them, without waking up. This can go on about as long as it takes for me to fully regain consciousness. Sometimes if sleep-me is feeling particularly intelligent I will wake up with my glasses in my hand.

  119. Jmars, that is exactly how my husband won over our first cat ever (also semiferal when we took her in).

  120. Re cats and bathrooms… We have two cats at Casa de LaSirene; Willow, the little black kitty, is obsessed with DH’s dangly bits to the point where she’ll go stare at him in the shower, follow him from the shower to the bedroom, all the while staring at said bits. When bits are covered, she’ll race back to the bathroom and CSI the whole scene, padding around the damp tub, following the path DH took, then staring at him as he dresses like “Wait, where’d the bits go?” She’s done this since she lived with him in Seattle, before he moved down to BFE so we could shack up. Imhotep, my chubby kitty, will yowl his head off if I don’t let him into the bathroom with me and woe be unto DH and I if we’re “conserving water” and sharing the shower. Imhotep will sit on the toilet tank and growl in that low, subsonic way kitties do, then stare at me balefully when I ask him what’s wrong. I can’t decide if he’s jealous or if he thinks we’re in mortal danger from the water beast.

  121. There’s about an inch beneath the door jamb in our bathroom. The dog likes to stick her little paws through. It’s cute, but kind of creepy.

  122. My dog dances. Actually, the cue seems to work on lots of dogs, so try it sometime when you’re around one that’s tall enough. When I stand in front of my dog Jasper and wiggle my hips, he’ll jump up on his hind legs with his forepaws on my waist and “dance” and wiggle until he loses his balance and falls over. Funniest dog trick ever.

  123. re: cats and bathrooms

    My youngest cat, when she notices I’m walking into the bathroom, will streak in there ahead of me and sit on the (closed) toilet looking at me expectantly. “What? You were coming in here to use this. But now it’s a cat! Pet me!”

  124. Child Profanity, Christmas Edition:
    My little cousin Matthew (5) is endlessly entertaining. Matthew has a habit of re-envisioning songs (“Old MacDonald had a poopy”) and decided that Christmas Eve at Grandma’s was a great time to offer the following lyrics to the tune of “Jingle Bells”:
    “Fucker fucker fucker fucker fucker” ad parentinterventium.

    I blame Elmo’s World, as “Jingle Bells” is appparently the only Public Domain tune they see fit to use for his impromptu songs… “Weather weather weather weather…”

  125. This is shaping up to be an epic Friday Fluff thread! I nearly snorted masala chai on my keyboard at the chemistry video. (Which would have hurt, given all the spices in there.) I need to share that with my classmates when I take Chemistry II next semester! And the ‘Too Big For My Skin’ video nearly made me cry, in a good omg-that’s-beautiful way.

    Tales From Childhood: I loved Strawberry Shortcake as a little kid, and Mom would often read with me. Strawberry Shortcake had a friend named Lemon Meringue. One day I was reading a book of Strawberry Shortcake’s adventures aloud, and when I got to Lemon Meringue, I said it phonetically, as “Lemon Merin-gyoo”. Mom tried to correct me. “No honey, it’s Lemon Mer-ang.” I corrected her back. “No Mommy, it says Lemon Merin-gyoo!” We went back and forth like this for some time, with Mom getting increasingly frustrated and me getting increasingly agitated. Couldn’t Mommy see what was written right there on the page? It was obvious! Why didn’t she get it? Finally Mom resorted to “It’s one of those funny French words, Electrokid.” Well, if it was a funny French word, that would explain why it wasn’t pronounced right. I made a mental note of this; funny French words did not follow the rules. “Oh, okay.” We proceeded to read the story. When I was older, Mom told me how frustrating and surreal it was to argue with a five year old over the proper pronunciation of “meringue”. I remember being immensely frustrated and worried that Mom just didn’t get it. Mommies are supposed to know these things, why did she keep insisting that this word wasn’t pronounced according to the rules?

    Odd Pet Behavior: My cat Yoshi apparently thinks that broom bristles are the most delicious thing ever, especially when coated with litter dust. I keep a handbroom and dustpan by the litter box so I can sweep up what gets kicked out, and Yoshi likes to grab it with his front paws and chew the bristles. *sigh* That poor broom is quite ragged by now, but I’m reluctant to buy a new one because I know it will meet the same fate as this handbroom.

    He also likes to play hard-to-get for petting. He’ll come ask for pets, then walk away and flop down just out of reach. Then he’ll roll over to display his belly and give you a look that says, “Well? I want to be petted, come here and pet me!”

  126. Hah! Broccoli Kitten is now owned by a friend of mine, so I’m always amused to see that linked.

    Thanks for this thread, all. I needed it.

  127. Does anyone’s cat love to watch the flush? Because my guy is the second cat I’ve had do it. If he’s not already all up in my business while I’m on the seat, all I have to do is yell “TITUS! I’m FLUSHING!” and he comes sprinting in from across the house. He stands on the toilet seat and moves his head in owl-like circles to follow the path of the flush.

  128. I can manage “Videos that make one want to cheer or dance around the room” and “alarming 1980’s workout outfits”, here is “Unicorns L.A.” Only in an American accent can one make a rhyme out of “He looks like a fox/A fox who talks”. Watch out for rainbow leg-warmers after about 4 minutes

    Peanut butter and hot chocolate makes a very nice sandwich, especially if you microwave it for a short while

  129. RE: Cats and bathroom obsession

    All three of the cats in my house are afflicted with this obsession as well. My cat in particular never ever sits on my lap…unless I happen to be sitting on the toilet.

    One of my roommate’s cats, the kitten, however, is very very obsessed with the bathroom. She meticulously examines the bathtub after someone takes a shower, she wants to watch the water run in the sink, she wants to get into the cabinet, she wants to watch the toilet flush if you let her… Luckily she just watches it, though.
    When she was younger, she was obsessed with watching my roommate’s boyfriend pee. On a number of occasions, she TRIED TO CATCH HIS PEE and ended up getting pissed on in the toilet bowl, earning herself the nickname “Peebeard.”

  130. My cats used to be obsessed with the toilet flush. They’ve kind of grown out of it, I think (the general reaction now seems to be “Meh. Better entertainment, please”). However, the bathroom obsession has not stopped. I cannot use the home bathroom without having one or both cats follow me in- in fact, if they see that I’m about to close the door, they’ll bolt down the hallway to get in before it shuts. Max will usually just sit on the floor, but Phoebe has an annoying habit of rubbing her face on my bare knees- which would be fine, except she really grinds in so I get her teeth right on my kneecaps.

    Max also loves the bathtub. The faucet drips, which of course = kitty drinking fountain. He has also woken us up on summer mornings (he gets a little manic when the weather changes) by frantically clawing the bottom of the tub. And a couple of weeks ago, he was- as far as we can tell- entertaining himself with the echoes of his meows in the tub.

    Man, I wish we still had our bunny. She was awesome. Bossed the cats around and kept them in line.

  131. Child profanity fun:

    When my friend’s sister was 3 they were in the park and the sister was approached by a swan. She’d never seen one before and was a bit freaked out, but she had bread for the ducks so she tried to give some to it. The swan spread its wings and hissed at her, so she yelled “BASTARD DUCK” and ran away.

    Irish toddlers don’t know the word “swan”, but they do know the word “bastard”.

    AnthroK8, the jellied eels/pie thing does come from an epic thread on Shakesville, the quote from which was linked above. Liss had posted about the game Fat Princess and every sexist (mostly gamer) asshole from the corners of the internet came to Shakesville to tell her how wrong she was, and they decided not to moderate the thread and just let the regulars have at it. The results are the most simultaneously depressing and awesome thing I’ve ever seen.

    The trolls genuinely didn’t seem to realise that the opportunity for rational debate had passed about the time 3000 of their brethen had shat all over everything Shakeville stood for, and that the thread was set up purely for the purpose of mocking them, and kept demanding that we engage with their “reasoned arguments” (read: puerile bigotry). JupiterPluvius explained it to them using the fucking hilarious jellied eels/pie analogy, and around comment 400 yesterday I think we all hit that threshold. For me it means “rational debate is over, my patience is gone: henceforth I have only mocking and telling you to fuck off”. It’s a fun state. Sort of a disclaimer.

  132. Yeah, I briefly considered letting jellied eels take over the Schrodinger thread, but I’m not up for it.

    Which brings me to a not-fluffy-but-maybe-funny question: do y’all have any interest in seeing the funniest/stupidest/most outrageous deleted comments? Like we do when we douchehound them, only without us actually tearing them a new one? Because I rarely have the energy to pull out the full douchehound treatment, but I’ve frequently thought “Stupid Shit People Try to Post to My Popular Blog” would make a pretty good Tumblr blog. Thoughts?

  133. Thanks to all for the wishes for digestive health. :) I think we’re on the mend. Good gravy, I can’t remember when I’ve been this tired and didn’t have a newborn. This thread saved my sanity more than once today.

  134. Aw shit. My “rational debate is over, my patience is gone: henceforth I have only mocking and telling you to fuck off” kicked in a little earlier on the SR thread than perhaps it should have. Around where I start making Mace jokes.

  135. oh, man, the BASTARD DUCK really got me for some reason. I’m still weakly wiping tears out of my eyes nigh on 3 min later.

    kid stories: a hip couple of my acquaintance is very liberal but has very conservative parents. They were visiting said parents, who live in a very conservative town in central CA (let’s just call it Lodi, since I can’t remember exactly). In any case, their 5 year old daughter is playing nicely by herself outside, amusing herself with paper and crayons. She comes in and asks her parents how to spell “judges” and they tell her. Several minutes later, she comes in again and asks how to spell “lesbians” and again they tell her. They go outside to look for her a bit later, and find that she, influenced by the recent passing of Prop 8, has made flyers saying “bad bad judges, good good lesbians!” and has gone around the cul de sac passing them out to the local citizens, who as a whole, tend towards the FAR right. I don’t think the grandparents have invited them back since.

  136. do y’all have any interest in seeing the funniest/stupidest/most outrageous deleted comments?

    I’d be up for that. It would be like watching the more egregious court shows.

  137. SM, sure, now that I have a corkscrew in one hand, and a bottle of Joe’s finest Two Buck Chuck in the other. Bring it on.

  138. Oh no, SM, I’m really glad you didn’t let the comments go unmoderated, because I hit jellied eels even with the modding. Without it I think I would still be crying.

    Starling, I said “yesterday” but I meant the xkcd thread. I was already well past it when the SR thread went up. (As might be…mildly obvious from my comments there. :D)

  139. My boyfriend just threw me for a loop. We’ve been together for a month now (it’s our anni) and he asked me a question that always makes me nervous: “Are you okay with your weight?” Which is usually an introduction to the “I’M not comfortable with your weight” conversation. I said that I’m shy but yes, I love my body and it’s taken me quite a while to get that way. He said, “I just don’t want to offend you but… here,” and sent me this:

    People might think it’s offensive but it means so much to me.

    1.) He realizes that I’m fat. I am fat! I’m cool with it and I hate when people try to deny my fatness. But he recognizes it and loves me.

    2.) The woman in the video is actually fat! Not only that, she’s depicted as happy and in love and loved for who she is! Yes, she’s eating but not stuffing herself… just beautiful and happy and fat.

    Love fluff! <3<3<3

  140. Anita and Sniper, I’m copying what I just wrote in the other thread:

    I deleted a comment from a dude that was over 4500 words long, which as FJ pointed out to me in email, is nearly the length of a NYT Magazine cover story.

    Also, it started with the following paragraph: And now it is I who find myself as a sheep amidst the wolves. I’m sorry, but as an intelligent, informed, grown man living in this country I find this entire blog entry to be disappointing, backward thinking, and quite frankly…absurd. While it is not my intention to insult, I can find little other way to accurately express my feelings about such ideas.

    You tell us you’re going to insult us… and then you expect us to read a feature-length comment about it? No thanks.

    That is by a long, long, long shot not the stupidest comment I’ve seen today, but it was the longest!

  141. But boy, he sure knows how to grab his audience with the first sentence!
    “While it is not my intention to insult, I can find little other way to accurately express my feelings about such ideas.”

    Why did you stop there? There’s more than 4437 words of insults we’re missing out on!

    (That could be the most awesome game of Bingo: Bitter Laughter Edition ever.)

  142. Also, re the header: doughnuts! That’s what they are!!! Until someone mentioned the doughnut factory on another thread I thought they were potatoes.

    (Sometimes I feel like my brain could be replaced by a neon sign saying “IRISH”.)

  143. Hahaha! Oh my goodness, this thread is exactly what I needed today. I called in sick for work today because my nose is dripping constantly and I’m regularly coughing so hard I throw up. But of course, when I called in my boss said “no.” As in, “no, you aren’t allowed to be sick.” Um, sorry, can’t help it, AM SICK. And then I read a post on a forum by someone who’s usually pretty smart saying that the N word is “not a racist term” and it only describes “attitude” and it is totally ok for white people to use.

    So I love the fluff, especially the cat fluff! Here’s a few of my stories:

    My old cat (RIP Shark) used to wake me up very gently in the mornings by carefully climbing onto my head and ohhhh so daintily opening my eyelids with her claws. As soon as my eyes were open (and my heart rate was up) she’d jump to my chest and start yowling. It was amazing how gentle she was; she totally knew that drawing blood would result in screams instead of breakfast.

    Another pee story: ages ago I was hired by an acquaintance to halter-break her new foal. I arrived at the barn on the first day to meet the colt, and, being totally unhandled, he was naturally quite shy. I went into the stall to pat his mom to put her at ease while he hid behind her, and he was just getting comfortable enough for me to come closer, when WOOSH, his mom started peeing. Right on his head, which was directly under his tail. >.< He's quite a successful show jumper now, but his barn name is still Peehead.

    This is my favorite youtube video ever. A little baby asking for a "pasickie" (popsicle).

  144. Ah, how I’ve missed Shapely Prose! I moved out of my old apartment last week and just got internet back today, so much to catch up on!

    Here’s my personal happy fluff: I moved from a cookie cutter apartment building (the agency who owns it owns about half the rental buildings in my city, apparently), which has been infested with bed bugs for the entire year I lived there (and likely before), to a privately owned rental building which is older, smaller (only 4 appts) and in a friendlier neighborhood. Since most of my furniture was thrown out or put in storage during the move (where I will not see it for at least 2 years, since the bugs can live for 18 months without blood), I was given new furniture by my mother. My birthday is at the end of this month, and the best present I’ll be getting is finally knowing myself to be bug free and happy.

    Also, one of my new (thrift store, but new to me) chairs is an armchair with the back cushion ending before the top of the chair, creating a nice little shelf for my beautiful Sen-kitty to sit and purr loudly behind my head. Needless to say, we’re both enjoying it (my camera is still lost in the boxes, so I sadly can’t share a picture, but hopefully I will find it soon).

  145. One of the funniest things I’ve read all day:

    “Why Cupcakes? Simply because everyone wants them!

    Cupcakes were designed for children’s birthday parties. We love Children and we love birthdays. We think this would be a good way to tell people that we think that every child should be allowed to have a birthday.

    Bring in a tray of cupcakes for any group of people and you will find that they will flock to get them. As soon as they take a bite they will probably ask, “Who’s birthday is it?”

    Then you answer. “It’s no ones birthday. These cupcakes represent the 50,000,000 children who weren’t allowed to be born, who never had a birthday.” The cake in their mouth will become dry and the moment will hopefully become quite somber. Then you say, “If you and I were aborted we wouldn’t have a birthday party either.”

    The idea behind http://www.CupCakesForlife.com is to spread the terrible truth about the assault on the unborn in a thoughtful, unique, and kind way.”

  146. Annie, that is horrifyingly hilarious. The punctuation, I mean.

    I don’t think I could look someone in the eye and keep a straight face while saying “These cupcakes represent dead children.” But then I had a hard time with Communion, too, so maybe I was just doomed from the start.

    And my friend, who is more evil than me, guarantees she’d say “So we’re getting more tomorrow, then?”

    I cannot wait until these start showing up on Cake Wrecks. You *know* there’s going to be a cupcake cake with a “And draw dead babies on them all” misspelled across the whole thing.

  147. “So we’re getting more tomorrow, then?”

    BAHAHAHAAAAAAAA.

    I would probably say something like “you mean all those poor sperm murdered in socks?”

  148. Annie, wow, that made my day or else it depressed me terribly, I’m not sure. But I loved this entirely:

    Q.) Do I have to give out Pro-Life Cup cakes on National Pro-Life Cupcake day?
    A.) YES, but you can make pro-life cup cakes any other day of the year as well! This is just one special day for cupcakes!

    Do I HAVE to give out cupcakes (or Cup cakes) on National Pro-Life Cupcake day? YES. YES I DO. I HAVE TO. I have many other cupcake options, but on this ONE DAY, THERE MUST BE CUPCAKES.

  149. OMG you guys, it’s like I had this whole political philosophy that I have researched and lived by for all my adult life, but then I had a cupcake AND I KNEW I HAD BEEN WRONG ALL ALONG.

    Then I quit drinking soda and lost 70 pounds!

  150. The cake in their mouth will become dry and the moment will hopefully become quite somber.

    That…is not what would happen in my presence. Except as a prelude to the shit hitting. the. fan.

    Do I HAVE to give out cupcakes (or Cup cakes) on National Pro-Life Cupcake day?

    YOU MUST, A SARAH. YOU MUST.

    OMG you guys, it’s like I had this whole political philosophy that I have researched and lived by for all my adult life, but then I had a cupcake AND I KNEW I HAD BEEN WRONG ALL ALONG.

    YESTERDAY A MAN GAVE ME A CUPCAKE AND I REALISED FEMINISM WAS UNNECASSARY. I WILL GO BACK TO MEN IF SOMEONE FURNISHES ME WITH A CINNAMON BUN.

  151. OMG, y’all, did you see the opening graphics?

    “What’s worse than being in third grade and not having anyone celebrate your birthday?”
    “Not being allowed to be born!”

    *cries with laughter*

  152. Re: http://kateharding.net/2009/10/09/friday-fluff-cheaper-than-a-palatial-sp/#comment-114476

    That is just about the sweetest heartwarming thing I’ve seen. It is so surprising when you hear stories about animals taking caking of animals from other species when they’ve been abandoned. *sigh* Compassion is not just a human trait.

    Some cute little children stories, coming up:

    I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old girl, who are both very sweet and sometimes very annoying. Just when I consider leaving them by the side of the road, they will do something incredibly sweet and loving. I haven’t been sleeping well and it has been making me very cranky. When I got home from work last night, I killed an infestation of ants in our kitchen and then spent an hour hand washing every dish and cup in the kitchen. Then I went into the living room to find toys scattered everywhere, the kids running crazy, and my husband watching The Office. I look at him and go “so when are you going to give the girls a bath?” He looks at me and says “You are.” So, I take a deep breath and prepare to wrestle the girls into the tub and the bed. Feeling completely defeated, I throw up my hands and go “Know what? I’m tired and going to bed. Honey, put the girls to sleep and I’ll bathe them in the morning.”

    Now, here’s the cuddly part. Normally, when I leave the room, my daughters are on me and I don’t get much peace. This time, I escaped unnoticed. About 15 minutes later, I hear a tiny knock on the door. It’s my 4 year old using her best church manners. “Mommy, may I come in?” I say sure and in she comes. “Mommy, how are you laying down?”

    Confused, I repeat the question and answer, on my stomach. She laughs and then asks: “Mommy, why are you down? Are you sick?” I whisper no, just tired. She responds in a tiny whisper. “Okay Mommy, night night, have a nice nap, I love you. I’m going to leave the door open a little so it isn’t too dark.”

    I just about cried into my pillow from the sweetness of that moment. And shockingly enough, the girls left me alone to sleep.

  153. Thirding BaldSoprano and KellyK on Mohonk. :-)

    Phony and funny but plausible-sounding dissertation titles:
    Welcoming Rhetoric, Eschewing Wanktoric: How Shapeling Moderators Exponentially Escalate Blog Hits by 100k+ in One Week by Adaptation of Systemic Deletion Methodology
    (subtitle: Nuking 4500+word Posts by Asshats Full of Insults and Blargh)

  154. This video, I know you have already seen, plus I suck at linking things, but it is “Where the Hell is Matt?” and it is the most uplifting thing. I actually had tears of joy.

  155. Back in my grad school days, a friend and I were discussing how so many articles/seminar papers/dissertations were built on one of two tropes: 1) “unpacking” or “exploring” a topic, or 2) “interrogating” or “challenging” some previous bot of scholarships. Combining that with the observation of how many of these titles have the shape of two phrases separated by a colon, we decided that all papers should now be titled following the rule that you put a phrase describing your topic in front of the colon — choose your own wording, whatever you want. But after the colon can be only one of two options: “What Up With That?” (for the “unpacking” paper) or “Feh!” (for the “interrogating” paper).

    Examples of this in practice…..
    Postmodernist Marxist Reworkings of “Valley of the Dolls”: What Up With That?
    Valedictory Traditions at Midwestern Kindergarten Graduation Ceremonies: Feh!

    And now, I offer you…..
    Chicken chicken. (Link in case embedding breaks: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yL_-1d9OSdk )

  156. ‘Feh!’ and ‘What’s up with that?’ don’t work for my dissertation title:

    Betty Friedan: totally sexy and Now.

    ‘Hoo, yeah!’ maybe?

  157. if I didn’t feel all weird about self-promotion I would have posted this on an earlier open thread, but it’s almost midnight on a Friday night and I’m editing a paper about this thing, so I think it’s time to do a little bragging. About a month ago some classmates and I participated in a 24-hour design competition, and, well,we won second place.

    I’m the one in the yellow tank top narrating the video :-)

  158. @eilish You’re right, our scheme didn’t have the third option for a positive read on a topic — guess we weren’t seeing enough of those sorts of docs on our assigned reading lists at that time. Thank you for highlighting this tragic lacuna and offering a viable solution.

    (Though in my own private lexicon, I’d probably want the positive suffix to be “Hells, yeah!” But “Hoo, yeah!” is very good option too.)

  159. This resort is fucking awesome. It’s a nudist resort, but not a “swinger” resort. All sorts of body types, and fat me and fat husband spent our honeymoon there, and conceived our first son there. Just looking at the site makes me happy. It’s gay friendly and very multi-national. Food is excellent, too.

    http://www.hiddenbeachresort.com/

  160. What I want to know is how long has that “You’re the one for me, Fatty” been around and no one has said it to everyone else here? Or maybe it has and I have not been paying attention enough. Dear Shapely Prose commenters (and bloggers), you’re all the ones for me, fatties.

  161. The best part about pro-life cupcakes is that a)hey, free cupcakes, and b)what’s the best way to protest? MORE BAKED GOODS! And obviously baby donuts are the pro-choice baked good of choice. (Heheh, get it? Baked good of choice? See what I did there?)

  162. The subject is slightly unfluffy, but just had the thought that I’m rather proud of myself for taking the effort to inform my senators that I am unhappy with what they are doing, which is kinda fluffy. Democratic process at work! http://is.gd/48p2t

  163. Oh, I love this Friday Fluff!!! And I want to try all of the comfort food recipes, ’cause I’m in need of some comfort food right now!

    Love you, fellow Shapelings!

  164. If we’re including things we said as kids…when I was little I lived in a house with marble floors (in Libya). I used to love running and jumping on the rugs so I could slip-slide down the hallways. As you can imagine, this tended to result in a lot of bumps and bruises.

    My Mom told me not to do it, but of course I did it anyway. One time she caught me with a big bump on my head and went into the “were you running in the hall again? cause I thought we agreed you were going to stop that” speech and apparently I went “No, no, I wasn’t – the wall jumped out and hit me!”.

    Then there was the time she told me that there were scorpions under the rocks in the garden and the bff and I went out there and turned over every rock looking for them. Or the time I tried to pet a shark in Malta (in my defence, it was a very small one). My poor, poor mother.

    Oh, RE cats and wierd behavior – mine loves grapes. He doesn’t eat them, he just wants to rub his head against them and roll around on them like they were catnip.

  165. Also apparently the trolls were right, we are a bunch of cat ladies! And of course we feel terrible about that, right?

    Personally “never trust a man who hates animals” seems like a good rule of thumb to me.

  166. It’s not Friday in Scotland any more, but there are a few YouTube clips I return to again and again when I want to be cheered up:

    While the original video is funny, I love this video of a bunch of British anarchists entertaining an American mainstream audience (on Letterman to be exact). And who can fail to be heartened by “I get knocked down, but I get up again, you’re never gonna keep me down!”

    And cute kids: a small girl wants to kick a monster’s ass (dodgy socialising from the mother at first, but great pay-off at the end):

    Literal video version of ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ always makes me laugh (“it started out as Hogwarts now it’s Lord of the Flies!”):

    Also, I love this- watch the whole thing, the amazingness ramps up considerably from about half-way through. I feel inspired by the sheer wacky creative desire of the human being to do something useless but beautiful and interesting. Set in Edinburgh, Scotland, the second most beautiful city in the UK (after my hometown Glasgow ;-) ), providing an interesting way of viewing certain parts of it:

  167. Dear gray pants that I used to love,

    This is a very difficult letter to write. I hope you don’t take what I have to say as a reflection on you, or on what we shared together in the past. But lately I’ve been feeling like I’ve grown, whereas you seem to have remained stagnant. It’s like you haven’t changed at all since the day we met. Gray pants, I loved you so much! I loved the way we felt together. I loved it so much that I tried hard to make myself fit *you* – I actually believed that there was something wrong with me, and that *I* needed to change. I tried to make myself smaller to fit *your* vision of what was possible for me and for our relationship. I felt you pushing and pulling silently at me – it’s true, you never explicitly made any demands, but we’ve talked about your passive-aggressive communication tactics – and I tried to comply.
    Oh, gray pants, I loved you so! You know I did.

    But I am done feeling guilty for going where you cannot follow. I am done making myself small to avoid threatening you or triggering your fear of abandonment. I am done telling myself that maybe next week or next month or next year we’ll finally get back together – you’ll finally see me again as you did the day we met, and be as spacious and welcoming to the fullness of my being as you were back then. I realize now that that will happen, and that that’s ok -there’s nothing wrong with you, and there’s nothing wrong with me, either – we’ve just grown in different directions. I’m suffocating in this relationship, and you seem like you’re coming apart at the seams. And you are no longer meeting my needs for sitting down and, you know, breathing. I hope you can understand where I’m coming from and wish you all the best.

    with love,
    muz

    Omgoddess y’all, that what supposed to be tongue-in-cheek but I’m actually kind of shocked by how completely it parallels my actual relationships with men. Oh dear. Not so fluffy?

    Also, way up there, but danny boy made me so happy. yay animal!

  168. I really wish we could embed images in our comments, because I’ve wanted to pull this one out for a while now, after dealing with so many fucknecks lately.

  169. Oh, Daphne B. I start sobbing with happiness around the 1 minute mark (when the groups come in) and that’s me til the end of it.

    I mean, um, I hate happy people! Also men! And puppies! I’m a humourless feminist. *tries to stay strong* I AM.

    Also, in the spirit of reposting videos that are so cathartically wonderful:

    AHahahaha, Annie McFly. Ahahahahahhaaaaaaaa. Otters! What can’t they do? Aahahahaa.

    (It’s possible I needed this thread.)

  170. I do not know what it is about videos of large groups of people dancing in public, but they always make me cry. ALWAY.

    This was the best thread ever. Also, totally bumped up my net cred with my friends, I’ve been spamming them all day :D

  171. ….Caitlin, do you know where I can buy a recording of that song? I can’t find it on the composer’s site or any of the others liked in the description. That is awesome music.

    (also, I maybe sort of started to tear up at where the hell is matt. I didn’t think I was even capable of happy tears! THE MORE YOU KNOW.)

  172. I don’t, unfortunately, Shiyaya. living400lbs lilnked it here on an earlier fluff thread and I’ve been loving it ever since. Email the composer, maybe?

  173. Which brings me to a not-fluffy-but-maybe-funny question: do y’all have any interest in seeing the funniest/stupidest/most outrageous deleted comments? Like we do when we douchehound them, only without us actually tearing them a new one? Because I rarely have the energy to pull out the full douchehound treatment, but I’ve frequently thought “Stupid Shit People Try to Post to My Popular Blog” would make a pretty good Tumblr blog. Thoughts?

    I dunno. On the one hand, I’m terribly curious, but on the other, I’m afraid of getting the stabby pains (although I suppose I could always not read them all). Also, isn’t the whole point of deleting those stupid comments so that you don’t have to waste your time and blogspace giving the Stupids a voice?

  174. I am skipping over some intervening comments to say, I WANT TO MAKE PRO-CHOICE CUPCAKES.

    I want to make cupcakes and when people ask me whose birthday it is I will say, “We are celebrating the birthdays of all the women whose lives have been saved by late-term abortion.”

  175. Caitlin, I think I love you. Is that okay? AWESOMESAUCE.

    I love La Vie Boheme. It’s my second-favourite song from RENT. (I love the hell out of One Song Glory for the number one spot.)

    (I think I’m commenting too much >_<)

  176. (I think I’m commenting too much >_<)

    I’m in that space where you unwind the tension by babbling senselessly for a while. I’m okay with that.

    La Vie Boheme, Take Me or Leave Me, Seasons of Love and the Tango tie for my favourite. It’s somewhere between La Vie and Seasons, I think. Oh, RENT. I love it so.

    I want to make cupcakes and when people ask me whose birthday it is I will say, “We are celebrating the birthdays of all the women whose lives have been saved by late-term abortion.”

    Yes!

  177. @Caitlin Wow. The first part of my actual dissertation title (to be about artistic representations of HIV/AIDS, though I dropped out of school before finishing the thing) was Just Like Scheherazade.

    Link takes you to one of the relevant songs from John Greyson’s movie Zero Patience, which was going to be a primary focus. Not as thrillingly joyous as La Vie Boheme, but the film’s title song has a joie de vivre of its own.

  178. Oh, and I really love the Christmas Bells medleys from the original broadway. All the different parts layer together awesomely.

    And I like Halloween. And Another Day. And What You Own. And pretty much all of it :P

    I wish I knew where our DVD of RENT was….

    I am an epic musical junkie. I realised the other day that all of the films I list as tied for my favourite are musicals. RENT, Jesus Christ Superstar (1973 version), Nightmare Before Christmas, Sweeney Todd, Across The Universe, Repo! The Genetic Opera, Dr Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog, Muppet Christmas Carol….

    MUSICS ARE AWESOME. Man, I miss being in choir. The director retired :(

  179. But after the colon can be only one of two options: “What Up With That?” (for the “unpacking” paper) or “Feh!” (for the “interrogating” paper).

    MezzoSherri, I… LOVE… THIS!! I insist you become dictator immediately so you can enforce it.

    Can I propose an addendum or codicil? If you actually happen to be doing a constructive project and breaking new theoretical ground (NOT that I think that’s necessarily better than the “Feh!” or “What Up With That?” types, I’m just saying), could the thing after the colon be “Amirite?” Like, “A Postmetaphysical Theology of Ecclesial Bodies: Amirite?” (Not my real dissertation title because I don’t want my blog identity to be linkable to my real identity, but as an example.)

  180. re: “unpacking” papers:

    the tentative first-half of my MA thesis title is “Unpacking Pennsic”. (For those of you who don’t know, Pennsic is a yearly medieval re-creation camping event in PA. My field loves the punny titles….)

  181. Ooh, I vote for adding “Amirite”. My project is a curriculum that a few of my colleagues are actually using, so I think it needs an “Amirite” or, perhaps, “You dig?”

  182. or, perhaps, “You dig?”

    That one’s for archaeologists.

    AAHAHAHAHA, I slay me.

    Shiyaya, musicals are unfailingly awesome. I realised the other day that the reason I think Jools Holland’s voice sounds like a woman’s is because he sounds exactly like Emma Goldman on the OBC recording of Ragtime. That’s an uncommon thought process.

    MezzoSherri, HIV/AIDS dissertations unite, woo! Mine was about people who are naturally immune. I wanted to make the second bit “HOW DO THEY DO IT?”, because that’s essentially why I was writing it, but I thought that might be a unscientific.

  183. Musicals are made of awesome. I have a crush on the Graverobber from Repo! because his voice is just so delicious :P

    ….I’m still listening to Wicked Girls. It’s been how long, now?

  184. Yes, as the newly-proclaimed Dictator of All Things Academic (DATA for short), I wish to acknowledge — graciously from within my dictator-like sense of superiority, of course — that everyone has made valuable contributions to The New Rules for Scholarly Titles.

    The taxonomy that I shall thus enforce allows four main categories of written discourse, each with its appropriate suffix.

    The “unpacking” project: What’s Up With That?
    The “interrogating” project: Feh!
    The “acclaiming” project*: Hoo, Yeah!
    The “constructing” project: Amirite?

    Some limited alternatives will be accepted for these suffixes (e.g., “Hells, Yeah!” for “Hoo, Yeah!” and any acceptable spelling of the raspberry sound for “Feh!”). Bonus points as well to scholars such as Bald Soprano who also put the taxonomy marker in the title prefix. (“Unpacking Pennsic: What’s Up With That?” or “Constructing a Postmetaphysical Theology of Ecclesial Bodies: Amirite?”)

    I am confident that the scholarly community will adapt to these New Rules with calmness and with joy.

    (ACTUALLY I DO NOT CARE IF YOU ARE JOYFUL FOR I AM NOW THE DICTATOR FOR ALL THINGS ACADEMIC AND THE ENTIRE EDUCATIONAL SECTOR MUST NOW BOW TO MY WILL, MWAH-HAH-HAH…)

    * Which is, of course, an intellectually rigorous discussion of the topic at hand — but it is a discussion that ultimately reaches a conclusion that acclaims the intrinsic value of the subject of this analysis.

  185. Erm. Maybe an explanation would be useful. I am simultaneously taking two things that are ignored by theoreticians as non-theoretical or non-existant and arguing that they’re both of those.

  186. I like “Neener neener” — squaring it gives some extra kick.

    I also think there’s room to adapt these markers for section titles within scholarship. I can imagine a thesis section entitled: “Past Scholarship: Phbbbth” or a dissertation with a literature review chapter subtitled “Feh.” It’s an endlessly adaptable system…..

  187. This is excellent! At one point I was considering writing “Generational Casual Interlocution in the Greater Cascades Area: Howyadoon vs. Whazzup?”

  188. @ Hanna
    I laughed so hard I nearly had an asthma attack.

    @ Annie McFly
    Another near asthma attack at pro life cupcakes. So sad I missed the pro-life cupcake day yesterday. When’s pro-abortion day? I can bake some for then.

  189. Here’s my favorite comfort food recipe:

    Split Pea-Bacon Soup with Miso

    1 package of split peas
    2 large onions, diced
    2 large potatoes, diced (optional)
    1 stalk celery, diced (optional)
    3 large carrots, diced (optional)
    1/2 lb bacon
    pepper and dried chili flakes to taste
    about 8-10 cups water

    Cook the onions and bacon together until the bacon is as crispy as you like it and the onions are soft, even slightly carmelized. Add the water, split peas, veggies, and seasoning. DON’T ADD SALT. I know, it will taste bland at first, that’s what the miso will be for. Simmer for at least 45 minutes, stirring regularly, until the split peas are properly cooked to your liking. (I like them mushy, so I always cook them for at least an hour.) Add more water if necessary, but it should be thick.

    To serve: stir a couple of teaspoons of miso (any kind, I like organic white miso) in a serving bowl into a couple of teaspoons of hot water, then add a portion of soup and stir.

  190. Haven’t commented in a while, but have been reading faithfully. I feel compelled to delurk in order to jump on the bandwagon affirming MezzoSherri’s DATA status. Might the taxonomy be elevated to a post, here or elsewhere, so we could link conveniently for the academic masses?

  191. My youngest cat, Mething, is fond of spinach so long as it is sauteed with onion and butter and cinnamon.\\She will lick the plate clean after we’ve eaten spinach like that. Also homemade bread if it goes wrong and is still stodgy and unrisen. Looshkin MUST have a crisp when his daddy has one. Even if it is a flavour he doesn’t like. Also likes eating ribbon, which must then be… extracted… from \the other end when he goes to the loo and finds he can’t get it out, the mucky little devil. And brussel sprouts. Splodge just loves cheese, and can identify when we are eating some THREE ROOMS AWAY WITH THE DOOR SHUT.

  192. Spinach sauteed with onion and butter and cinnamon? Sweet Maude, Bunny Mazonas, I must try that the next time I have spinach in the house!

    Mmm. I love you, Shapelings. (And SP bloggers, natch.) We have amusing kid stories, cute pet stories, YouTube awesomeness, titles of academic papers the way they *should* be written, and delicious comfort food recipes ALL IN THE SAME THREAD!

  193. ooh! Cute kid stuff. Actually, this one is kinda sad but still cute.

    One of my cousins, when she was about 3 or 4. Most of my family all lived in the same town, with the majority of the rest within driving distance, and we’d all grown up used to being crammed together so Crimbo tradition was that we would all go to the grandparents’ place the night before and sleep over. The presents for kids would be mounded into individual heaps in the front room that night so they were used to coming downstairs and seeing all their presents in one go.

    So anyway, when cousin is about 4ish it’d been getting pretty clear we just couldn’t fit nan, grandad, great grandma, great grandad, Uncle Bill, great Aunt Mary, my mum, me, my aunt and her hubbty my uncle and his wife and all the kidlings in one house overnight like that so the plan was we would all stay at our own houses, since we were all pretty close, and walk down first thing in the morning to open presents. Me and my mum would get up first and meet my aunt at her house so we could see cousin when she woke up. But so the kidlets wouldn’t miss out on the excitement of first-thing presents, they would each get one wrapped toy at the foot of their bed to wake up to. Sadly, the logic of this didn’t sink into my cousin.

    She wakes up Crimbo morning in her own bed, sees the one present she got and, thinking that was all she’d been given she clutched it to her chest, waddled up to the window and looked out, sobbing “Thank you father Christmas. I… I’ll be a better girl next year.” I get teared up every time I remember that and shes 13 now!

  194. Electrogirl, that is the best way to eat spinach ever, trust me. I generally chop the onion (and some garlic) up fairly finely and sautee it in the butter first, then add a ridiculous amount of spinach and stir in lots of cinnamon… or a nice whole stick if you have it, cover and just leave it until the whoel thing is mushy goodness.

    If you feel like it, it is even better if, when the spinach is piping hot and almost done, make a few hollow wells in it and crack a raw egg into each well, recover and let the spinach steam the eggs cooked. I had that in Egypt once and am addicted!

  195. I would love to read deleted/banned comments. I often posted bizarre messages when I used a dating site and I would let my lj friends decontruct them. I kind of love reading frothy e-rants from cheetos scented basement dwellers,

  196. Caitlin & Shiyiya –

    Seanan McGuire, who wrote “Wicked Girls”, has said will be the title cut of her next album. That YouTube was from a performance she (with Vixy & Tony, SJ Tucker, and Amy McNally) did at DucKon. The concert was recorded and sold as a fundraiser by the con but I’m not sure if it’s still available….I’m checking :)

    Seanan’s other albums are available from CD Baby: http://www.cdbaby.com/Artist/SeananMcGuire

  197. The Bald Soprano:

    ‘re: “unpacking” papers:

    the tentative first-half of my MA thesis title is “Unpacking Pennsic”. (For those of you who don’t know, Pennsic is a yearly medieval re-creation camping event in PA. My field loves the punny titles….)’

    OMG I don’t think I’m actually unpacked yet. At least, I know I STILL have laundry to do.

  198. Oh, what a fun thread! In the “cute comments we made as kids” column, my grandmother swears up and down that she never heard me say a single word until I uttered the complete sentence “I like chocolate cake” at about the age of 1 year. I guess I was waiting for something important to say. :)

  199. @The Bald Soprano I am interested in your paper’s subject! As a SCAdian i often wonder what would/could be analyzed about the things we chose to do and how we do them and what the results would be 8)

  200. SM: I vote yea for a separate space with really stupid deleted comments. Keep them out of here, as is right and proper, but still have them available for the masochists among us who seek the head-splodey feeling.

  201. To all people who have ever had issues with toasters, showers and lawnmowers: Machines that lie from Eddie Izzard.

    Our cats steal hay from our bunny :) Bunny is surprisingly benign about it.

  202. @Anita –
    IDK if you’re reading this far down, but would you be willing to offer the full winter squash porridge recipe, please?

    Pleeeez?

  203. Whoop, car, not my paper, the Bald Soprano’s paper. I can never seem to get the html correct on a wordpress blog, so I don’t even try anymore. I was hoping the single quotes would be read as a quote, but I guess not.

  204. Today my dog got into my rabbit’s Hemingway’s cage, ate all of his alfalfa pellet, and then cuddled up with the bunny in his nest. Hemingway busied himself pulling out the dog’s loose fur to make his nest warmer. I wish I’d gotten pictures!

    In unrelated news, I’m pretty sure I have swine flu. Boo! :( But I called my mommy to whine about it and she’s coming over to make me chicken soup and take care of me. Aww.

  205. littlem, there’s a linked recipe in the original comment to a video of maangchi making it. She wears a pink wig in this one, and thus is extra awesome. The written out recipe and embedded video is here: http://www.maangchi.com/recipe/hobakjuk

    I prefer to use buttercup or hubbard squash, and I use less sugar than she does – it depends a lot on your taste buds and the squash. But it’s a pretty forgiving dish. She’s totally not kidding about how long it takes to make small rice balls, though – I usually upgrade from pea-sized to marble or eye-sized these days, because I’m slow and get impatient, and it still takes me a super long time.

  206. Brittany:

    I adore that song now. I sing it everywhere. And it’s made me even more comfortable with the word “fat” and related words.

    Morrissey was part of The Smiths who sang a song called “Some Girls are Bigger than Others” which is also a fun one to groove to while being body-positive. (Heard it was about breast size but, no matter, the words are true!)

    My boy’s been getting me into all of his British music. :P

  207. My cat thinks she is a dog. At least she behaves like one when we are playing.

    When I get out the tin foil to make a ball, she crouches down and looks at me expectantly, then when I throw it, she races of and usually slides way past where it lands. The entire time, her bodylanguage looks exactly like that of a dog when playing fetch. And yes, the fake-throw works on her, too. Complete with the cute “where did it go?” expression. Wonder if I cold train her to actually bring the ball back instead of burrying it under the shelves and expecting me to make a new one?

    She is also a thief, pefering self-made jewelry that she can play soccer with (rings) or drag aound all over the apartment(necklace). I have taken to always putting them away in a box.

    And since we were discussing how much some cats seem to think the bathroom is the perfect place for intense cuddling sessions, when my Tiger doesn’t jump onto my knees, she follows the time-honored tradition of girls never going to the bathroom alone and climbs into her litter box. Synchronized cross-species peeing.

  208. A bit late to the party here, but I love the ‘bad, bad judges, good, good lesbians’. Had me laughing for ages. Just shared it with the office too.

  209. I feel a little stupid, but I just found out what “totes” means from urbandictionary.com. Someone who comments on here uses it a lot and after seeing it on target women I knew I had to finally find out. Luckily urban dictionary had it, unlike when I tried to find out what baby donuts were. I considered adding baby donuts and schrodinger’s rapist to urban dictionary myself, but my writing skills are pretty weak. Maybe someone who’s good at writing can go do it?

  210. Deliberately bad poetry, this one by Douglas Adams:

    I teleported home one night
    with Ron and Sid and Meg.
    Ron stole Meggie’s heart away
    and I got Sidney’s leg.

  211. A guy once told me a great story about his roommate’s cats getting into his room in the middle of the night. They managed to step on both the speakerphone button and the autodial, so he was awakened at 3am by a cranky voice saying, “Hello? HELLO?!”

  212. Helen Huntingdon – I heart you!!!!!

    I got behind on all my blogs! Poop!

    Anyway, I just want to say that I made my first roast all by myself yesterday and so now I am officially grown up! And I must say it is the best one I’ve ever had! It’s like Pork Candy! I’m not exaggerating! You brown a pork roast, then put it in a crock pot with 1 cup of cranberries, 3 sliced apples, and 3 cups of apple juice for 6 hours. I’m thinking of making this again for the holidays…

  213. Oh yum, that sounds great kcjones.

    Y’know, it’s funny. I used to be a professional pastry chef, and I think of myself as a pretty good cook, but I’ve never ever cooked pork (except bacon). Like, ever. I don’t even know why, it’s not like I keep kosher or anything, and I love pork roast. Maybe that will be my very first pork cooking experiment!

  214. Oh and also, can you give me some specifics on that recipe? Temperatures? Type of meat? (Or will the package just say “pork roast”?)

  215. Pork roast in the crock pot is the best. You just leave it in until it starts to melt. I like to throw in some calvados and dried fruit. Oh, nom.

  216. Oh, Annie, can I second (k, third) pork roast as fun to cook and very good? Try a pork loin roast, which can often be purchased fairly cheap when on sale. It’s going to be a big old thing, but you can chop it in half and freeze one half while cooking the other. You can simply salt, pepper and dry roast it with foil tented over it to an internal temp of 145 to 150 degrees F, using a meat thermometer. (At 325 to 350 degrees, although you can go up to 425 for 10 min at the beginning if you’re short of time.) Let it sit under foil for 10 min or so before serving, to allow the center to continue to cook.

    Variations are awesome, though, and all you have to do for a very fancy-looking meal is open the loin roast up to a flat piece of meat. The roast looks like a roll of cinnamon rolls before you chop into individual pieces. What you do is essentially cut it open in a spiral, just as if you were unrolling those cinnamon rolls, until you have the flat piece of meat in front of you. If you freeze it a little first and use a sharp knife, it’s much, much easier than it sounds. Then you coat the interior with something like a combo of fresh thyme and chopped garlic, or dried apricots, raisins and pecans, and roll it back up–just like the cinnamon roll–tie it in a couple spots, bake it, and slice it into cinnamon-roll slices. It looks immensely complicated and awesome and it takes about five minutes to do the prep bit.

    The only problem is that it’s a lean piece of meat, so it will get dry easily and you have to watch the thermometer and not overcook. The narrower end of the loin is the more tender portion, so that’s the bit to give your mother-in-law. The pan drippings make very good brown gravy.

    I’m sooo going to try kcjones’ recipe, probably with a pork shoulder roast.

  217. Ha, DaphneB, I came to reassure you that you’re not the only one who cries watching WTHIM, but I see plenty of other people have admitted to it already.

    Every damn time, though, I tell you.

  218. Woo, alibelle! I can bring free coffee (and talk prentiously about it too). And I’m really, really good with a french plait. Also 40s British headscarf-tying, victoria sponges, chocolate crispies and elementary knitting. Those are skills you can take all the way to the bank.

  219. Oh, Shapelings. I love you all so much. I had the worst day today at work (like, wanted to cry all day, feeling so stressed I thought I might have a heart attack). Then I came and read this thread, had a good cry, lots of laughs, and lots of awwww-ing over cute animals. My day is better now.

    I feel the only thing this thread is missing is the Free Hugs video:

  220. I love you guys and have been honored to be a newb on one of Those Threads.

    Therefore, a concerto by a cat.

    (…If the embed works.)

    Also, the almost-actual-title of my final paper in Ancient Philosophy, with a teacher I’d debated on the subject several times: “Fatalism, Determinism, and Free Will: Do You Have to Be an Asshole?”

  221. This is slightly off-topic, but I moved out of my asshole landlord’s house on Saturday and now I’m living somewhere awesome (my new landlord was like “oh, would you like a lock on the bedroom door? ok” and then came downstairs a few hours later and *put a lock on the door* and he hasn’t been down near my room since. :D I also have my own kitchen!)

    So I feel pretty fluffy about that! ^^ (The only problem is that I don’t have internet at my new place yet — I’m in the library right now to get my Shapely fix. :p)

  222. YAY! I’m so happy Bagelsan, I was just wondering about you today, so it’s great to hear that you are safe.

  223. Hooray, I’m so glad that Bagelsan’s okay! God, that sounded so scary. Enjoy your new digs!!!

    Apropros of nothing, today in my developmental psych class we begin the section on health. Which means, of course, that 2/3 of the chapter devoted to using the BMI to help you find a healthy weight and then GET DOWN TO IT SO YOU WON’T BE DEPRESSED. (For the record, there’s like two and a quarter pages on eating disorders, in the “abnormal” chapter.) These lectures will be taught by the very skinny TA, who makes a point to eat her apple slices and sphincter-sized Tupperware containers of mixed nuts only when someone is looking at her. I am armed with not one, not two, but three different articles by mathematicians debunking the BMI as a reliable measure of health, and I am totally prepared to get up and teach class myself if she shoots me down. Go Team FA!

  224. Bagelsan – I’m so glad to hear you’re safe! :) And congrats on the new place!

    kcjones – I made your pork roast last night and it was AMAZING. Everyone, go make it RIGHT NOW. I am serious, it is way yummy. I can’t believe I was so scared to try cooking pork.

    In other news, I am supposedly at about the halfway point to recovery (assuming I don’t get any complications) as far as this damn swine flu goes. I am SO bored of sitting in bed all by myself watching Star Trek (never thought I’d say that), and I’m sick of not having enough energy to do anything. I hate my job and all, but man what I wouldn’t give to be back at work today. So cross your fingers/pray/whatever that I get better right away!

  225. Oh, Annie, I had Swine Flu back in September and I understand! It’s miserable. In fact, I’ve still got the cough from the upper respiratory infection I had at the same time. I live alone so I was trapped in my apartment and had friends dropping food off outside my door and running away. If it weren’t for the internet I don’t know what I would’ve done!

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