Douchehound of the Day

I just sent the following comment to spam:

I wish you huge obese would stop complaining and talking.

(Linkage mine.)

Because it’s not good enough that you can, you know, just not read our fucking blog. We need to actually become silent.

As usual, we don’t douchehound people because they piss us off; what pisses us off is otherwise smart progressive people acting fuckheaded, not dipshits being dipshits. Constitutional dipshits range from hilariously pathetic to just shrugworthy — you can’t stop a scorpion from stinging, and you can’t stop a person with no resources or capabilities beyond hostility from being randomly hostile. We douchehound when people clearly illustrate, usually unconsciously, some particular nasty and often unacknowledged characteristic of the brain trusts we’re dealing with here.

In this case, what usually gets glossed over is this: what they object to is not what we’re saying but the fact that we’re talking. We don’t just have the audacity to fail to live up to this guy’s standards of beauty — we also have the nerve to persistently not disappear! What kind of women ARE  you people? Sure, I could go somewhere else and not have to deal with scary scary critical thought, but I’d still know that somewhere, women were flapping their gums! FAT women! OBESE WOMEN are MAKING NOISES! LANGUAGE NOISES! SOMEWHERE! Oh why won’t they simply be quiet? Can’t you please shut up and restore order to my world?

The flip side of this, of course, is that you can rankle the hell out of these kinds of guys just by continuing to operate in the world as though you were real people and not just big fat walking vaginas. If you’re worried about being too inarticulate, too inexpert a speaker or writer, too much of an imperfect ambassador for fat, remember that some folks find it plenty subversive that you’re daring to speak at all. You don’t even have to talk about fat; just be a fat woman talking. That oughta get their goats.

250 thoughts on “Douchehound of the Day

  1. No, no, no! We can’t be “big fat walking vaginas!” We must be petite, slender, conventionally beautiful, tiptoeing, silent vaginas! /snark

    I like the idea, though, that you’ve empowered us by reminding us that the very act of speaking for ourselves – no matter where, or how, or how loudly – makes us *real*. Makes us activists for ourselves. That’s an awesome thing!

  2. No, no, no! We can’t be “big fat walking vaginas!” We must be petite, slender, conventionally beautiful, tiptoeing, silent vaginas!

    We’re supposed to be, yes, but here we are not, hence all the hand-flapping and cognitive dissonance.

  3. And heaven forfend that we are, say, big fat dancing vaginas who take pleasure in food instead of hiding in shame.

    I just realized I once had a fever dream about giant dancing pickles, and I totally never got the phallicness until now. Huh. How about that.

  4. oh please please please let me be a big fat dancing vagina!! We need a big fat dancing vagina song! :D and we can sing our song in a hugely obese way to people who would wish us silent and skinny and invisible…

    I’m free on Saturday for some vaginal dancing, anyone else? :D

  5. I’d rather be a painting vagina myself, but I would be happy to paint dancing vaginas, if that makes it any better.

  6. I’m feeling a bit inarticulate as of late so pardon me if it doesn’t make sense, but this seems to be another case of someone thinking that their privilege should include not having to have said privilege pointed out to them. Such a freaking buzzkill when you’re high on being dominant by reason of your own personal merit (*snort*), right?

    Also, this makes me think of the giant vagina costume I’ve seen on the internets somewhere, possibly at Craftster.

  7. Awww. “I wish you huge obese would stop complaining and talking.” How poignant. It must be so hard to have an unfulfilled wish related to other people’s actions. I can’t imagine, can you? Because everything I want, is just magically granted. Especially when the things I want require other people to behave in a certain way.

  8. oh please please please let me be a big fat dancing vagina!! We need a big fat dancing vagina song!

    I know this sounds weird, but I’m writing one. It’s on hold. But it will be a parody of that stupid “mow the lawn” shaving commercial, and I’m going to call it “buff the hood.” WHAT? IT’S ABOUT WOMEN POLISHING THEIR CARS!

  9. Don’t you see? That’s how that icky contagious fat is transmitted–through the huge obese soundwaves. (Also transmitted via pixels.) Then the douchehound could catch the fat and, according to his own rules, never be able to speak again.

  10. I hope it’s okay for me to vent about my own douchehound of the day. My sister just told me about a friend of hers who’s pregnant and has gained some weight (shocker). This friend’s doctor asked her how many bananas she was eating and when she found out it was one a day, she forbade the woman to eat any more bananas at all. Because bananas are making her fat.

    It is making me want to scream and this is literally the only appropriate place I can think of to bitch about it, so thank you so much for this blog.

  11. “We need a big fat dancing vagina song! :”

    It could be Piggy Moo’s signature song, like “If I Had a Million Dollars” for the Barenaked Ladies, or “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” for the Beatles!

  12. HA! I was just thinking “maybe A Sarah could write a dancing vagina song, and bigmovesboston could choreograph it for us!” ~ when lo and behold, AS beat me to it!

  13. I missed some of your first sentence, and just read “it could be…. like ‘If I Had a Million Dollars.'” So now I’m sitting here humming “if I had a big vagina (if I had a big vagina)” to myself.

  14. I’m going to call it “buff the hood.” WHAT? IT’S ABOUT WOMEN POLISHING THEIR CARS!

    <333333333

    SHEER GENIUS.

  15. Y’know, I thought the douchiest thing I would come across today would be the super creepy guy across from me on the el this morning who was jerking it through his pants.

    I think that is still the douchiest thing I’ve come across today, but the fact that I had to think about it should really make this individual pause.

  16. “You don’t even have to talk about fat; just be a fat woman talking. That oughta get their goats.”

    *Grabs up all the goats* Thanks for the reminder that just by merit of being VISIBLE and VOCAL (even electronically) we are effectively pushing back and poking into that protective shell of privilege; within which folks like this douchnozzle are hiding.

    Me and my now herd of goats shall CONTINUE poking at that shell of self-righteous denial douchhounds! And we’ll be singing “If I had a fat vagania (if I had a fat vagina)” while shaking our fat in your general direction all the while.

  17. I wish you huge obese would stop complaining and talking.

    Well I wish douchehounds were forbidden from being on the Internet.

    I guess we can’t get everything we want. Shocker.

    mmm, pickles.

    DRST

  18. So, wait: could we please make a complete inventory of all the things I’m not supposed to do, as a fat woman? Because I am getting confused.

    So far we’ve got:

    -no eating
    -no talking
    -no buying clothes
    -no walking in public

    What else is there? Because I’m going to need some reminders.

  19. Oh, I almost forgot:

    -no having sex
    -no taking photos of yourself from an elevated angle (lest you be accused of attempting to DEFRAUD people from their right to find you hot by using the Fat Girl Angle Shot)

    …what else? I know there’s more.

  20. Shouldn’t the song be “If I WAS a big vagina”?

    If I were a big vagina, thank you very much. ;)

  21. Great—now I’ll be humming that song from Fiddler on the Roof for the rest of the day (if not longer) with odd syncopation. . .

    “If I WAS-A big va-gi-na, da da da da da da da-ah da da da . . . “

  22. I’m trying to come up with the right tune for ‘Buff the Hood’ – I’ll let you know when I’ve found one.
    Once I’ve stopped singing ‘If I WAS a big va-gi-na’

  23. “I wish you huge obese would stop complaining and talking.”

    Well, as my boss often states, It’s nice to want things.

  24. To the tune of ‘Hey Mickey” (just the chorus)

    Oh Douchehound what a pity you don’t understand

    My big obese vagina’s gonna dance across this land

    Oh Douchehound what a stupid way to play your hand,

    The ‘gina’s coming out, Douchey!

    Oh look, it’s talking, it’s squooshey,

    You better run, Douchey!

  25. “This friend’s doctor asked her how many bananas she was eating and when she found out it was one a day, she forbade the woman to eat any more bananas at all. Because bananas are making her fat.”

    That’s made even worse by the fact that bananas are a really excellent source of nutrients. You can worry about baby-weight after the delivery, if you really care to, but maternal malnutrition can wind up causing problems decades after delivery.

  26. lolz @ Katrina; I knew y’all would make me feel better. preying mantis, i know!!! something is really wrong with a world where DOCTORS say this shit.

    also this exchange on this here comments thread is A+:

    [i]oh please please please let me be a big fat dancing vagina!! We need a big fat dancing vagina song![/i]

    [i]I know this sounds weird, but I’m writing one.[/i]

  27. “squooshey”… LOVE!

    @Curvygirl, I think the video of the original “Mow The Lawn” is still up at http://www.mowthelawn.co.uk. *checks* Yep, looks like it. Not that that MUST be the paradigm for “Buff the Hood,” but it’s one possible direction we could take it in.

  28. You are all to blame for this. I now find myself – COMPLETELY AGAINST MY WILL – trying to find ways to fit various words into the following, which is set to the tune of “If I Were a Carpenter”

    If I was a big fat vagina
    and you were a douchehound
    I’d be taunting you frequently
    I’d flaunt every pound

    And I really, really hate that song. LOL

  29. Oh, I almost forgot:

    -no having sex
    -no taking photos of yourself from an elevated angle (lest you be accused of attempting to DEFRAUD people from their right to find you hot by using the Fat Girl Angle Shot)

    …what else? I know there’s more.

    -No saying you work out cause, ya know, everyone knows you’re obviously lying
    -No pointing out that this rule is unnecessary because it would fall under “No talking”

    Because bananas are making her fat.

    *facepalm* Stuff like that makes me want to just give up faith in doctors.

  30. I’ve never had an ear worm that had to do with big fat vaginas. Until today.

    Look, troll, PLEASE stop swinging your phantom wang near my big fat dancing squooshy vagina. OK?

  31. Isn’t it funny how some people think we are put on earth just to please them? And that we are spoiling that by being fat and eating things that are not salad and even TALKING?

    That troll’s got a lifetime of disappointment ahead…

  32. All I’ve got is a chorus:

    baby-flavored donuts
    and fucking spinach pie
    Piggy Moo tour groupie
    yelling
    your vagina can be fat as you like
    (fat as you like)
    yeah talking ’cause you have a real life
    (fat as you like)
    (yeah, yeah)

  33. @Cindy: Look, troll, PLEASE stop swinging your phantom wang near my big fat dancing squooshy vagina. OK?

    I think I pulled something laughing.

  34. Okay, I think it’s time for some Jim Croce.

    *grabs guitar, pick, fake moustache*

    [whisper] This is for you, Douchehound…[/whisper]

    If I could hold time in my cooter,
    The first thing that I’d like to do,
    Is expel all the time that I’ve wasted
    On silly, entitled, sad asshats like you.

    If I could make days last forever,
    If words could make wishes come true,
    Then you could wish us ever silent…
    But guess what? That’s not how it works. Sucks pour vous…

    (that’s all for now)

  35. ‘Cause there never seems to be a vagina
    big enough to hold all that time in….
    I’ve danced around enough to know
    that you’re a douche
    I’m gonna squoosh
    and ignore you

  36. @A Sarah: I am DEAD OF LOLZ.

    I wish you huge obese would stop complaining and talking.

    What about the petite obese? Are they also to stop complaining and talking, or just complaining?

  37. So, just by exsisting and talking, I’m pissing this douchehound off? Yes! I’ve accomplished something today!

    Oh, and the song parodies are cracking me up. You guys are some of the funniest people I know! :)

  38. ‘Cause there never seems to be a vagina
    big enough to hold all that time in….

    BWAH! I love how wistful that sounds. Try though I might, there never seems to be a vagina big enough to contain time itself. *sigh*

  39. Joan Jett, anyone? It’s not quite rhyming squoosh and douche, but man the attitude is all there and it is so satisfying to yell!

    I don’t give a damn ’bout my fat vagina
    You’re living in the past it’s a new generation
    A girl can do what she wants to do
    and that’s what I’m gonna do
    and I don’t give damn ’bout my fat vagina

    Oh no, not me
    Oh no, not me

    And I don’t give a damn ’bout my fat vagina
    Never said I didn’t wanna be any wida’
    And I’m only doing good when I’m having fun
    And I don’t have to please no one
    And I don’t give a damn bout my fat vagina

    Oh no, not me
    Oh no, not me

    I don’t give a damn ’bout my fat vagina
    I’ve never been afraid of any deviation
    And I don’t really care if you think I’m strange
    I ain’t gonna change
    And I’m never gonna care ‘about my fat vagina

    Oh no, not me
    Oh no, not me

    I didn’t really try to make it rhyme, because a) it’s hard to rhyme with vagina! and b) the words were mostly so perfect already

  40. A Sarah: If I could hold time in my cooter

    I wish I could hold time in my cooter. Time, my car keys, my wallet, a snack for later…

  41. Everyone is killing me with awesome here.

    it’s hard to rhyme with vagina!

    Maybe for lyrical purposes we could make the plural “vaginin”. It’s kind of Latin.
    Or make it a verb:
    They see me dancin’, vaginin’,
    They rollin’ their eyes ’cause I’m so fat and happy.
    (Think I’m just too fat and happy)
    (Think I’m just too fat and happy)
    (Can’t you see I’m fat and happy)
    (Look at me I’m fat and happy)

  42. Please. Stop.

    You’re causing my pulled muscle to spasm from laughing so hard. And it ain’t in my cooter with all the time, wallet, keys, cell phone, etc.

  43. A Sarah: If I could hold time in my cooter

    I wish I could hold time in my cooter. Time, my car keys, my wallet, a snack for later…

    I may die of laugh. Or obese. One of those ;) The Cooter. Space Age storage for the busy lady of Today. *also carries goat kibble*

    Oh and to my favorite quirky song “Octopus’ Garden”:

    I’d like to be A Big Fat V
    In a noisy grousing conclave, in the shade
    We’d all be in, both fat and thin,
    In our noisy grousing conclave, in the shade

    I’d ask my friends to come and see
    A noisy grousing conclave with me
    I’d like to be A Big Fat V
    In our noisy grousing conclave, in the shade

    We would be heard, Vaginas: WORD!
    In our lovely vocal group; we’re all around
    Silence is wrong; we’ll wear our thong
    In our noisy grousing conclave, near a cave

    We would sing and dance with glee
    because we know life should be free
    I’d like to be A Big Fat V
    In our noisy grousing conclave, in the shade

    We would shout and dance about
    how our Happy Fat Vagina’s will not be hushed
    (will not be hushed)
    Oh what joy for every girl and boy
    Knowing we’re happy and we’re safe
    (Happy and we’re safe)

    We would be so happy you and me
    No douchehound to tell us what to do
    I’d like to be A Big Fat V
    In our noisy grousing conclave, in the shade!

    *Goat Bleats*

  44. I have nothing to add besides OMFG I <3 YOU GUYS SO BAD!

    Sitting here at my desk chuckling – getting some very odd looks!

  45. Coming into this conversation rather late, but A Sarah, that was my happiest thought in like forever – the song Buff The Hood.

    I love you. Do you need your lawn mowed? I have a very nice mower. I also walk dogs :)

  46. I need help with this one, you guys. I can think of spoofs for all but a few of the original lyrics. The ones I haven’t spoofed yet, and thus need spoof lyrics for, are in bold.

    For reference, the original is here: http://www.mowthelawn.co.uk.

    Sometimes a girl can’t help
    Feeling a little blue.
    When everything’s a bore
    My favorite thing to do…

    Is buff the hood! Buff the hood!
    Buff it! Do it! Arms in-to it!
    Some bumpers make little squeaks (polishes the bumpers and it squeaks)
    Some autos are really loud! (winks, revs the engine)
    You can buff it by yourself or with a partner, or a crowd.

    Whenever I see a weed,
    I mow the rascal down
    ’til all that’s left for me to see are two lips on the mound.

    So buff the hood! (oh-oh, oh–oh)
    Buff the hood! (oh-oh, oh-oh)
    Tool shed’s equipped.
    My forest’s clipped.

    No need to feel so groggy!
    Just get your chamois soggy!
    And buff the hood…
    (Feeling rough around the edges?)
    Buff the hood…
    (It feels great to trim the hedges.)

  47. Oh, I almost forgot:

    -no having sex
    -no taking photos of yourself from an elevated angle (lest you be accused of attempting to DEFRAUD people from their right to find you hot by using the Fat Girl Angle Shot)

    …what else? I know there’s more.

    – no sitting next to people on public transportation because you just might be fat all over them and it is contagious you know.

    – no working out at a public gym because it terrifies the others who are desperately trying to NOT be you

    – no wearing clothes that may fit, hug, or show off your curves (unless it is of course your boobs, in that case jack em up and squish em together right below your chin just so that we won’t feel the need to look you in the face)

    – no appearing out in public without every hair perfectly in place, makeup slathered on to cover all your flaws, and properly attired in clothes that attempt to make you invisible but perfect… this goes along with the next rule

    – no thinking that because you have done that that people could actually think you look presentable, beautiful, gorgeous, or sexy and definitely don’t even entertain those thoughts yourself.

    – no expecting to be treated like a human, don’t you even dare to entertain the thought that you should be comfortable when you go out, if you can’t fit in the chair then you must look at it as penance for starving, torturing, or mutilating your body and you are expected to turn that guilt and shame into motivation to change who you are… and then you should be overflowing with thankfulness and gratitude.

    thats all I have thought of so far… sorry for the sarcasm … I am feeling a little snarky today

  48. While the “Mow the Lawn” ad is quite apaling, A Sarah has set it fabulously on it’s ear.

    Here’s my contribution to the song:

    (Want to feel quite mighty?)

    (Buff up your Aphrodite)

  49. “Oh, I almost forgot:

    -no having sex
    -no taking photos of yourself from an elevated angle (lest you be accused of attempting to DEFRAUD people from their right to find you hot by using the Fat Girl Angle Shot)

    …what else? I know there’s more.”

    -No jogging, walking, cycling, or doing any other form of outdoor exercise. You are not sexy and as such have no right to be out in public. And for Maude’s sake, absolutely no wearing tight workout clothes!

    -No having children. Fat people should not be allowed to procreate and pollute the gene pool with their fatness.

  50. A Sarah, I’m going to have to go listen to that song!

    With apologies to La Cage aux Folles:

    I am a big vag
    I am my own obese creation
    So, come take a look
    Kate and Marianne’s book
    Gets an ovation

    It’s my bod
    that I’m going to take a little pride in
    So what
    that you say you don’t want to muff dive in

    You’re not worth a damn
    if you can’t say
    that’s a big fab talking vag

  51. OMG LOL to this whole damn comment thread. I <3 you all SO HARD.

    But, my son is now being a sneaky ninja, so I must go.

  52. “No jogging, walking, cycling, or doing any other form of outdoor exercise.”

    Including no horseriding, even on a matching fat horse. Or so I was ‘told’ this week. Loudly. By a male tweeny in front of lots of others.

    Guess I’d better just stay home and fluff up my big furry pet.

  53. A Sarah, is “’til all that’s left for me to see are two lips on the mound” really part of those lyrics?! Wow. That’s so…blatant.

  54. A Sarah-

    How about this for the bridge:

    Whenever I see a smudge
    I buff that sucker good
    ‘Til I can see my reflection in the hood

    :)?

  55. -No having children. Fat people should not be allowed to procreate and pollute the gene pool with their fatness.

    However, since everyone knows that fatness is caused by stuffing your face and not by genetics, this one can’t be a rule after all!

    I’m also inclined to add:
    – No being alive

    Since we all know that we’re supposed to be dead from our fatz, right?

    /snark

  56. . Or so I was ‘told’ this week. Loudly. By a male tweeny in front of lots of others.

    Congratulations on leaving him untrampled. I assume.

    Also, I think this thread, and the one on mondegreens, should be put in a special (virtual) jeweled case so that any Shapeling who is having a bad day can get to them quickly.

  57. Whenever I see a weed,
    I mow the rascal down
    ’til all that’s left for me to see are two lips on the mound.

    Don’t need no batteries
    Just a little elbow grease
    The thought of shining up my hood leaves me weak in the knees

    Don’t like that last line, but please rhyme “batteries” with “elbow grease.” For me.

  58. (Feeling rough around the edges?)
    (It feels great to trim the hedges.)

    Wanting something different?
    Try adding a hood ornament.

  59. I’m still on the Barenaked Ladies song…apologies to whoever started that one above and probably had a funnier idea…

    If I had a big vagina (if I had a big vagina),
    I’d teach it to dance (I would teach it to dance)
    If I had a big vagina (if I had a big vagina)
    It would bust out of my pants…

    …oh I don’t know. I can’t figure out how to work “but not a real green dress, that’s cruel” into it, so it’s just not as funny.

  60. I have to admit I refuse to listen to that POS song again so some of my contributions may not scan.

    FJ what about “a little elbow ease”? ;)

    I… am not sure that makes sense.

  61. “A Sarah, is “’til all that’s left for me to see are two lips on the mound” really part of those lyrics?! Wow. That’s so…blatant.”

    I’m pretty sure the lyric is “tulips on the mound,” though the innuendo is pretty much inyourendo-level.

  62. “huge obese” ?

    Okay, we had “obese”, then “morbidly obese”, then “super obese”. Something tells me this guy thinks “huge obese” == cast of original 90210.

  63. I believe this very commentariat has also come up with “melodramatically obese” which is my favorite.

  64. Oooh, I like melodramatically obese too, Sniper. I think that would make a good t-shirt. Something like, “I’m not morbidly obese, I’m melodramatically obese.” Except someone else can make it funny. :)

    And no, trampling didn’t occur to me, but I’ll put it in my toolbox for next time. I did gather up all my sanity watcher’s points and contact the school from whose grounds the dear little fellow was shouting, though. Was glad to be told it wasn’t acceptable and would be dealt with. Hey, a little win! (Even if it probably doesn’t go further. At least they were polite to me.)

  65. -No having children. Fat people should not be allowed to procreate and pollute the gene pool with their fatness.

    However, since everyone knows that fatness is caused by stuffing your face and not by genetics, this one can’t be a rule after all!

    So, this would obviously be:

    -No having children. Fat people should not be allowed to procreate and to inflict their hideous lifestyle of stuffing their faces upon their children.

    Won’t someone please think of the children!

  66. I woke up this morning, checked this thread, and promptly got “If I had a big vagina” stuck in my head again…

    AnotherKate, just change dress to thong? Of course you’d have to figure out what to do with the “but not a real fur coat, that’s cruel” first…

  67. I don’t know the original of the big vagina song, but my head has invented a tune anyway, so I can share the earwormy goodness…

    Trying to think of a song parody of my own, I’m sure I’ve got one in there somewhere.

  68. I love being a big fat vagina! I flaunt my big fat vaginaness.

    In fact, if I met that douchehound I’d say, “Don’t flap your lips at me! Only big fat vaginas get to flap their lips!”.

    And then I’d grab him in a big fat vagina bear hug and infect him with my fatness.

    “Now I lay me down to sleep,
    I pray my big fat vagina my soul to keep,
    If a douchehound should wander by,
    I’ll open wide and have him for pie”

  69. Ok, here’s my effort, excuse the occasional forced/non-existent scanning:

    Is this the real life
    Is this the fatosphere
    Caught by huge obese
    No escape from their complaining
    Open your eyes
    Look up to the skies and see-
    Im just a fat vadge,i need no sympathy-
    Because I’m big and fat, dancin’ round,
    A little talk, little moan,
    Anyway this douchehound doesnt really matter to me,
    To me

    Mama,just killed a man,
    I was fat at him, so fat,
    He just couldn’t cope with that…
    Mama, I’m a huge obese,
    And yet I dare to talk and to complain
    Mama oooh,

    [bit stuck for the next bit]

    I see a little silhouetto of a man,
    Hound-of-douche, hound-of-douche, will you do the fandango-
    Thunderbolt and lightning-very sur-urprised me cunt-
    Fatty Fatpants, Fatty Fatpants,
    Fatty Fatpants, Fatty Fatpants
    Fatty Fatpants, Teh Death Fatz-magnifico-
    Im just a fat girl, eating my doughnuts
    She’s just a fat girl, from a fat family-
    Spare her from melodramatic obesity-

    [all the awesome bismillah/let me go! bit goes here]

    Beelzebub has a baby-flavoured doughnut for me,for me,for me-

    So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye-
    So you think you can silence me, tell me to die-
    Oh, douchehound-cant do this to me, douchehound
    Get the fuck out-just get the fuck outta here-

    SP really matters,
    Anyone can see,
    SP really matters-,SP really matters to me,

  70. Brava Anwen! Brava!

    Every time I listen to Bohemian Rhapsody I know I’ll singing your lyrics instead.

  71. This thread is made out of hilarious!
    Thanks to everyone for giving me some much needed LOL therapy this morning.

    The Queen parody by Anwen made me laugh, snort and spasm violently that I scared our poor cats. Good thing the kids and dh aren’t home!

  72. anwen – I heart you!

    I had a go at filling in your missing bit:

    Mama,just killed a man,
    I was fat at him, so fat,
    He just couldn’t cope with that…
    Mama, I’m a huge obese,
    And yet I dare to talk and to complain

    Mama oooh, don’t care that I am fat –
    If Im not thin again this time tomorrow –
    Carry on,carry on, ’cause it doesn’t really matter –

    Shapelings answer the douchehound’s post –
    Sends laughter down the line
    Sides are aching all the time
    Thank you, everybody – I’ve loved your songs
    Gotta read them all again and laugh once more

    Mama, oooh (how this douche blows)
    I wish this douche would die
    I sometimes wish he’d never been born at all

    I see a little silhouetto of a man… etc.

  73. I had misgivings about writing that line myself (I don’t like wishing people would die either) but in the end couldn’t think of a better line.

    I only wish I’d thought of “I don’t want to diet”.

  74. omg you people. I love you all so much. I had to take a mental health break from the interweb last night and I return to find such brilliance! This was the cure for what ailed me.

    (I thought about redacting all the Buff The Hood suggestions into one master version, but then I worried that the casual glancer would end up giving me credit for brilliance like “hood ornament” and and “reflection in the hood.” I wish it were (was? no, were, right?) possible to hug a comment.)

  75. Hey, question: Would it be either too gross or too heteronormative-vagina-as-sheath-for-a-sword to spoof the line

    “Too shed’s equipped/My forest’s clipped”

    with: “Tool shed is stocked/My squirt gun’s cocked.”

    (To be honest I’m not even sure what the latter is insinuating or how it’s exxtending the metaphor, but… you know… “cocked,” huh huh, huh huh.)

  76. She’s just a fat girl, from a fat family-
    Spare her from melodramatic obesity-

    This makes me so very happy.

    Okay, I’ll quit with the serial posting now. Mmm, cereal.

  77. You all know, I now have to download all these songs from Rhapsody today so I can sing them with their new and improved lyrics.

  78. How about that Cake song?

    I want a girl with a big ass and a
    Faaaaaaaaaat… vagina!

    Drawing out the “faaaaat” is clearly the best part.

  79. Talk on, fillyjonk – give those douchie boys a pain over their eyes. I ‘m only a little fat, but I have a custom-made pair of sneakers that say “Never Be Quiet” because I never fucking will.

  80. Oh Lord. I’m never going to hear the BNL song without the big fat vagina part and now I’ll never hear Queen the same way again.

    Im just a fat girl, eating my doughnuts

    Though I loved April D’s Big Fat Vag’s Garden too. ;)

    I had a bad moment getting on the scale this morning too so I needed a laugh. (No, I don’t know what I was doing getting on the scale. I spent a week at my parents house so I’ve been struggling to not get caught up in the dieting mindset again.)

    DRST

  81. Someone way up there suggested getting Big Moves on the choreography side of the buff-the-hood video, and kids, I am all about it. Just give me the stage dimensions and specs for the clitoriffic set pieces, and I’m all over it. I think we still have some cowboy hats with labia painted around the top ridge, from a cuntry, er, country-western vag burlesque piece we did a couple of years ago.

    Dancing, singing, sex-having, obese va-jay-jay. That is my life.

  82. All the talk about a vagina song, is reminding me of the first time I heard the Great Mighty Poo’s song from Conker’s Bad Fur Day. If you have no idea what I’m referring to here’s a link:

  83. specs for the clitoriffic set pieces

    I think just lounging around on beanbag chairs (this kind) (in between waxing your cars, of course) could be awesomely suggestive.

  84. @thegirlfrommarz:
    I think
    I don’t want to diet
    I sometimes wish that no one would diet at all”

    Is in the right direction, but I think “I sometimes wish that no one would at all” or “no one did at all” would scan better.

  85. The theme song is already written: My Vagina is Eight Miles Wide.

    Before I clicked on it, I thought the cadence reminded me of “I’ve got my mind set on you”. (OK, actually it reminded me of Weird Al’s “This song is just six words long”.) Now I’m trying to work that one out, with the title of “I’m being all fat at you”.

  86. I can’t do lyrics so well, so perhaps a limerick would do?

    A big fat dancing vagina
    Sang that nothing is finer
    Than sending the douchehound
    Straight to the dog pound
    While buffing the hood of my Acura

    Is there a better rhyming car name? Acura kind of sucks.

  87. Ok, I was looking to see what other people rhymed with vagina, and apparently the first time through the comments I missed:

    Beelzebub has a baby-flavoured doughnut for me,for me,for me-

    I just shot iced tea through my nose. That’s gonna make me laugh all day.

    Thank you, Anwen!

  88. Hound-of-douche, hound-of-douche, will you do the fandango-
    This actually made me snort. No joke.

    Me too! I totally had that copied to say pretty much exactly that, but Sweet Machine beat me to it.

  89. *pained look*

    I just saw a UK government-sponsored ad telling children to secretly dispose of their food. Because your parents will try to FEED you because they LOVE you, and that will make you FAT.

  90. I just saw a UK government-sponsored ad telling children to secretly dispose of their food.

    We must convince the UK of the error of its ways – through song and dance!

    Wait, I’m thinking of Footloose. ;)

    (I know, it’s really horrible, but as I read it I had this fabulous vision of all of us dancing through the streets of London singing our fat songs at people)

  91. I had this fabulous vision of all of us dancing through the streets of London singing our fat songs at people

    Ooo, I’d sign up for that!

  92. … Actually, hell. I wonder if someone SHOULD organise some kind of Fat March.

    We’d be heckled like crazy, but a chance to actually get some publicity and say to the news cameras “Yes, I’m fat, and it’s not because I suck liquid doughnuts from a drip.”…

  93. I had this fabulous vision of all of us dancing through the streets of London singing our fat songs at people

    Ooo, I’d sign up for that!

    Me, too, except can we have our Paradigm Revolution somewhere near Chicago instead?

    ‘Cause I can’t afford two round trip plane tickets to London . . .

  94. We’ll get a grant. Then we can all fly over and take up ALL THE SEATS ON THE PLANE WITH OUR FATNESS!!!!

  95. Hanna –

    Also, since fat is 100% due to eating too much and not moving enough, fat people cannot be allowed to adopt children and ->INDOCTRINATE<- them into this unhealthful lifestyle.

  96. I usually lurk but I had to join in this one! Any comments/suggestions/new verses welcome

    First I was afraid, I was petrified
    I thought I had to hide my cooter deep inside
    But I read the interwebs
    And learnt that I was not alone
    But I grew strong
    – even though I lack a schlong!

    And now I’m back,
    Right in your face
    How dare you try to tell me that I’m using too much space
    You can take your douchey ‘help’
    Coz I am here to stay
    Now you go cry to Mummy
    ‘Coz you can’t get your own way!

    All right now go
    Back out the door
    Coz we’re all here being fat now
    There’s no room for any more
    We’re gonna sit here on our arses
    Eating cake and donuts too…
    But you can fuck right off
    ‘Coz it’s nothing to do with you…

  97. Damn, I’ve thought of a better version of the Thunderbolt and lightning line:

    Ooga-Booga Death Fatz, very very fright’ning MeMe

    Thanks to girlfrommarz for filling in the blanks! And I’m glad to know I’ve caused various nasal mishaps (snorting, ice tea, awesome!) as I keep giggling at the thought of Freddie et al blasting this one out – I’m sure Freddie would have approved ;)

    How about “I don’t want to diet
    I often wish I’d never done that at all” ?

  98. How about “I don’t want to diet
    I often wish I’d never done that at all” ?

    Or “I often wish I’d never tried thin at all?”

  99. A note to Shinobi, re: the perverted douchie guy on the el train :

    I’ve encountered a creep or 2 like that on the subway, and I wish I knew then what I subsequently learned from an NYC cop who spoke at my place of work:

    No matter HOW CROWDED the train is, people will give you quite a bit more personal space if you start talking to yourself like an unbalanced person – especially a person unbalanced enough to TALK OUT LOUD about the guy jerking himself off over there. This particular cop recommended “EEW, what is that little thing?” but go ahead and be creative, should the unpleasant event take place again.

    If he’s actually whipping it out (a crime in most, if not all North American cities,) a quick photo with your cell phone camera as you yell “HERE’S EXHIBIT A, JUDGE!” might discourage him, as well.

    BTW, gang, these lyrics are just brilliant.

  100. The main thing is, even if you weren’t a fat vagina, you’d still be a vagina, and still not worthy of speaking without penile permission. :D

    Because of evolution, you see.

  101. (Of course, to my ear, ‘penile permission’ sounds like it should be granted TO a penis, not BY one….)

  102. Great stuff here, I’m grinning like a maniac. I tried to find the lyrics for My Vagina’s Eight Miles Wide, no luck.

    Welcome Sx! What a splendid first post.

  103. Sorry, Bald Soprano, I cross-posted with a few others thinking it would go right under. I was expressing my awe at Sx’s song, too.
    We have enough for a CD release, I’m thinkin’. They could be taped onto copies of the Fat-o-sphere book. :D

  104. Piffle, I didn’t have any luck with that lyric search, either.

    car: ah, I understand. I have Sx’s song stuck in my head, now. It’s finally pushed the “hound-of-douche” line out of my head. No, wait, it’s back *facepalm*

    Speaking of the book, my mother is contemplating buying an extra copy to leave at the book-share shelf at her local Curves. And donating one to my old high school’s library. And… and… and….

  105. I think “hound of douche” is one of the most brilliant things that has ever been written on this blog. LOVE! I’m going to be singing that for the rest of the day now.

  106. hound-of-douche, hound-of-douche, will you do the fandango-

    I’m tempted to sing “fat tango” instead just for excessive punning.

    DRST who has been humming “I’m just a fat girl eating my donuts” ALL DAY.

  107. And we were so busy snorting, and mondegreening, and being fat, and generally doing all sorts of socially unacceptable things, we didn’t need a Friday Fluff post at all! ;)

  108. Well, if we’re not going to do a Friday Fluff, then I can no longer refrain from recommending UP! as a movie. There is a fat little boy scout in it who pushes for doing good by your friends, and absolutely no commentary about his weight positively or negatively, except possibly for a cute little scene where he’s trying to climb up a rope; but any kid would find that hard.

    Anyway, cute as can be; a fat little hero.

  109. Now I totally want to star in a Shapeling Musical Extravaganza.

    May I be one of the Fat Dancing Vagina Chorus Line?

  110. You have the right to speak your opinion…many just disagree…and as wrong as they are in their responses or comments, I for one believe what you’re leading other women to is wrong as well.

    I’ve posted my opinions a few times here and I’m sure the don’t pass moderation… so I suppose you’re silencing those who disagree…is that much different? Except that you have the power to shut me up in this forum, and others…. Does that make any of you much different? Something to think about anyway…isn’t it…

    We all want to be right, all the time…but we can’t…it’s just the way it is…I, and many others feel all of you are not only condemning women, and men to a life of health issues as they age, but you’re making money at it…

    I don’t care if you’re fat…just don’t act like it’s OK and everything will come up roses…because it won’t…just as smokers will encounter health issues…as they age…certainly the obese suffer their own maladys… It’s not arguable….it’s fact…

  111. “You have the right to speak your opinion…I don’t care if you’re fat…just don’t act like it’s OK …It’s not arguable….it’s fact”

    That’s…that’s just PRICELESS! :D Ahhh and just when I thought my fat rose-filled night wouldn’t get any better! Sometimes I’m so happy I think to check in here in the Land of Leading Women Wrong (oh yeah, and the mens, can’t forget them) so I can pay my daily homage to your self-acceptance “nonsense” condemning me to a life of health issues… I mean I haven’t had any as of yet but maybe if I keep paying dues here (uh…the check’s in the mail?) then you’ll send some of those probable maybe certain obese maladys my way? You has to share you know….

  112. **strolls in with two whole cakes and humming along (hound-of-douche, hound-of-douche/time to do the fat tango…HA!)as the needle jumps the record^** ^tzugidan’s comment. [uh, you mean maladIES, right?]

    ^_^

  113. Wow, all those ellipses really just make him sound kind of sad and whiny, don’t they.

    Though really, rather prescient of him, don’t you think? To have quite neatly already filed his comment under “Douchehound of the Day” for us like that?

  114. You have the right to speak your opinion…many just disagree…

    Oh thank God. I was worried for a second that I didn’t have a right to speak my opinion, but some ellipsis-loving Internet entity just gave me permission. Whew!

    I’ve posted my opinions a few times here and I’m sure the don’t pass moderation… so I suppose you’re silencing those who disagree…is that much different?

    NO! THEY ARE THE SAME! Just like how kicking someone out of your house for taking a crap on your carpet, and wishing that all people would just stop crapping, are equivalent actions.

    We all want to be right, all the time…but we can’t…it’s just the way it is…I, and many others

    Oooooh, many others? *shivers in boots*

    feel all of you are not only condemning women, and men to a life of health issues as they age, but you’re making money at it…

    Whatever do you mean? *bats eyes innocently, uses foot to scoot Ming vase, caviar, and Swedish moose-milk cheese behind the Chippendale armoire*

    just don’t act like it’s OK and everything will come up roses

    And yet here I am acting like it’s OK and everything will come up roses. *hands roses to tzugidan*

    It’s not arguable….it’s fact…

    O well okay then. I’ve never been poorly served by believing someone on the internet who says “it’s a fact.”

  115. Come on, that was just an elaborate ruse to get me to write the following, wasn’t it? Hmf. Think you played me… I knew it all along.

    Ahem…

    I had a dream, a dream about fat, baby.
    I think you’re all that, baby
    This scared an asshat, but baby,

    You’ll be swell! You’ll be great!
    Watch you eat the whole world from your plate!
    No, I jest! And I jeer!
    honey, everything’s coming up roses!

    Make a dress! Make a pass!
    You’ve got nothing to do but kick ass!
    Blow a kiss. Sound a cheer.
    Honey, everything’s coming up roses!

    Now’s your inning. Set the world on its ear!
    No forced thinning. That’ll be just the beginning

    BMI really bites! What a misuse of nice weights and heights!
    You’ll be swell. You’ll be great.
    I can tell. Just you wait.
    That world that we all talk about is due!
    Honey, everything’s coming up roses for me and for you!

    You can do it, all you need is a hand.
    We can do it, SP is gonna see to it!

    Curtain up! Light the lights!
    We got nothing to hit but the heights!
    Tell a joke! Have some cheese!
    Get a Coke! At Chili’s!
    ‘Cuz nothing’s gonna stop us ’til we’re through!
    Honey, everything’s coming up roses and daffodils!
    Everything’s coming up fritters and chocolate eggs!
    Everything’s gonna be doughnuts and lollipops!
    Everything’s coming up roses for me and for you!

  116. Whatever do you mean? *bats eyes innocently, uses foot to scoot Ming vase, caviar, and Swedish moose-milk cheese behind the Chippendale armoire*

    LOL!
    *goes back to singing “hound-of-douche, hound-of-douche, will you do the fat tango”*

  117. How did the Thinly Veiled As Concern Rage Troll post in the midst of our fat vagina merriment?

    Now my Inner Fat Vagina Chorus Girl just feels more brash. I suppose I should thank Poseur Rage Troll for providing motivation and possibly inspiring me to greater roles in Shapeling Theater to come.

  118. Here’s another guy who’s so disturbed by this blog that he keeps coming back and posting, over and over, till he gets thru moderation and gets to show off that tiny little avatar as proof that at least one woman likes him.

    Tzugidan … why don’t you… go hang out at the… “Salads-R-Us.com” blog.

  119. I hate to break it to you, Tzugidan, but you’re going to die too. If you had a brain in your head you’d enjoy the hilarious song parodies instead of riding the High Horse of Self-Righteousness over the rickety Bridge of Erroneous Assumptions into the sad, overcrowded village of Douchevannia.

  120. HA, A Sarah! Because I am first and foremost a gigantic musical theater neeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrd I am now picturing Patti Lupone gnawing her way through your version and it. is. awesome. I wish EVERYONE could be inside my head right now.

    Also, the point-by-point reaction to the troll did in fact make me laugh. Laugh at loud.

    But, now I’m wondering if I can get a grant from the Strega Nonna Magic Pasta Pot of Cash that is Shapely Prose. Hmmm.

  121. It has GOT to be a regular taking the piss… first of all, how would he have gotten in, and second of all, it’s just too fucking funny for him to post on what is already a douchehound post. I totally call shenanigans (and whoever you were, you should have done it a little more over-the-top, though the thing about us making money was definitely a hoot and a half!).

    Anyway, whoever it was, thanks for the giggle and for inspiring A Sarah to new heights of greatness, and when you find your IP banned, email me with your regular name and we’ll sort it out.

  122. *lightbulb* Ohhhh… Yeah, Fillyjonk, I bet you’re right. Heh. Nice one, whoever you are! You got me!

  123. A Sarah, I love your song as a whole, but I especially love your forced rhyme of “cheese” with “Chili’s.” Forced rhymes make me incredibly happy. If anyone can rhyme something with “Olive Garden,” I will be in heaven.

  124. The Chili’s reference means that according to the rules of the blog, A Sarah’s song is not only a brilliant artistic tour de force but also a legitimate bit of statistical analysis.

  125. Also, in scrolling up I saw or thought I saw the phrase “I see a fat woman talking” and heard it to the tune of “Bad Moon Rising,” if anyone wants to take that on.

  126. “NO! THEY ARE THE SAME! Just like how kicking someone out of your house for taking a crap on your carpet, and wishing that all people would just stop crapping, are equivalent actions.”

    LMF(at)AO!

    “But I grew strong
    – even though I lack a schlong!”

    Priceless. I think I want this as my email signature for school.

    I’m typically squeamish about the word vagina. I do recognize the bizarre nature of my affliction. However, I’m impressed and perhaps even inspired with ya’lls vagitude.

    However, I have no problems with poop and schlong.

  127. Dear sweet, wonderful A Sarah, please, please, don’t leave me hanging about the hidden footnote!

    “Whatever do you mean? *bats eyes innocently, uses foot to scoot Ming vase, caviar, and Swedish moose-milk cheese behind the Chippendale armoire*”

    I just know there is some bit of wonderfulness associated with that asterisk, might I know what it is?

    Sprinkles sugar on top :)

  128. A Strega Nonna reference added to an already awesome thread and I’m so far over my happiness quotient that I may explode from joy! Yay!

  129. valerie, I’m squeamish about the word vagina too. It’s really darn hard to rhyme anything with it.

    Olive Garden? Beg your pardon? Tiny hard-on? Sorry Lucy, probably not heaven.

    I see a fat chick talking
    I see trouble on the way
    Looks like we’re in for fat vaginas
    And douchehounds will run and hide today

    Don’t go ’round tonight
    We’re bound to set you right
    There’s a fat tango dance in sight

  130. Let me apologize in advance for this one:

    Waltzing vaginas, waltzing vaginas, who’ll come a waltzing vaginas with me?

    (Spell check doesn’t like vaginas and wants it to be vaginae. I don’t think it works for me.)

  131. riding the High Horse of Self-Righteousness over the rickety Bridge of Erroneous Assumptions into the sad, overcrowded village of Douchevannia.

    Oh man, this is like the much awesomer version of The Faerie Queene.

    *ducks FJ’s spitballs*

  132. Have we done Broadway yet?

    One baby-flavored donut
    Every little bite she takes.
    One, thrilling fat vagina,
    Every squoosh that it makes.
    One big booty and suddenly nobody else will do.
    You know you’ll never be MeMe and that’s whoo hoo!
    One moment as a fat chick
    And you will forget this prick
    For the douche has tiny dick
    It’s small
    Y’all!
    Oh sigh, give her your dessert tray,
    Oh, you, get out of her way,
    SHE’S THE ONE!

  133. @Piffle, HA, thanks… (blushes) But… oh dear, it’s not exciting or clever AT ALL. The back story is nothing more interesting than that the other day I googled the phrase “most expensive cheese in the world” and learned that it is indeed Swedish moose milk cheese.

    I can’t even recall why I googled that. (thinks) Actually, hang on, yes I can! It was because it was my ten-year college reunion weekend and I couldn’t be there because we’re putting our house on the market; but by a strange coincidence I found myself eating some ten-year aged cheddar. And I thought both, “Hey, what a coincidence!” and “Wow, when I was in my senior year of college, someone was making this cheese. How long do cows live? Geez, maybe some of the cows who made this milk are dead now.”

    And then I further mused, “Surely there has to be an outer limit on how long cheese can be aged, right? I wonder what it is? I mean it can’t just be like, the older a cheese is, the better it is. Can it? Are there, like, super expensive cheeses from the middle ages? I wonder what the most expensive cheese in the world is?” et voila.

  134. pocomommy, I love A Chorus Line, and your parody is SO clever. I confess that because I now have some kind of authoriteh, I’m also trying to figure out if small-dick jokes falls under the heading of trashing on different kinds of bodies. I’m honestly not sure. Because arguably — and perhaps by the same logic? not sure — calling someone an “asshole” could be an instance of negative-body talk. And yet, I and (I expect) almost everyone here would say, “Oh, well, but that’s not really talking about anuses anymore, that’s veering into new meanings that really aren’t about constructions of bodies.” So is it the same with tiny dick? Maybe so. Hmmm. I don’t know. What do you think? Genuinely asking.

    In any case, the “It’s small/y’all” is brilliant. I love the image of a whole stage full of spangly-dressed people singing out “Y’all” and holding it. What a hilarious syllable to hold, musically — like the “subsiiiiiiides” line from “Sometimes When We Touch.”

    (This is also a lot about me feeling like my blunder-to-post ratio so far has been higher than one-to-one, so if people don’t feel like addressing my insecure navelgazing, that’s cool.)

  135. My instinct is that small-dick jokes are negative body talk in a way that “asshole” isn’t –we’re not saying anything about someone’s physical body when calling them an asshole –not saying anything about their actual asshole, y’know? Although I’m fine with not saying ‘asshole’ either –I actually like douchehound much better these days.

  136. “Surely there has to be an outer limit on how long cheese can be aged, right? I wonder what it is? I mean it can’t just be like, the older a cheese is, the better it is. Can it? Are there, like, super expensive cheeses from the middle ages? I wonder what the most expensive cheese in the world is?” et voila.

    I love the way your brain works.

  137. I actually have a small issue with the phrasing

    “and you can’t stop a person with no resources or capabilities beyond hostility from being randomly hostile.”

    I should start by saying that a asshole is an asshole and that person definitely sounds like an asshole. However the phrasing above sounds dismissive of something larger than that particular asshole.

    I for example belong to a community of people who, for various reasons have been denied access to a variety of things and who, as a direct result often find themselves in positions where their anger and hostility is all they own, if that.

    While I won’t argue that moving forward with that attitude is the most productive or socially conscious way of accomplishing anything (it’s not) I also think that it’s important to acknowledge the fact that there are people who are in that position who have every right to that hostility and whose random application of it is understandable if not always especially helpful.

    I think in part it’s the difference between people who are placed in a position where hostility is/seems to be the only option as a result of systematic disenfranchisement versus people who set up shop there because they like the view. . . not sure which camp this person is in, thus my lack of comfort with the statement.

    Also worth noting that I don’t believe that the first example (systematic issues) grants such a person the right to be hostile toward similarly marginalized groups but that contextually speaking I find such behavior to be somewhat more understandable though no more acceptable than the other.

    Again, not defending the asshole in question just taking issue with the generality of the statement.

  138. *Fat Tangos back to SP*

    A Sarah – that was a brilliant takedown. I am in awe.

    Small dick jokes? It’s not so much mocking someone for actually having a small penis, it’s mocking the insecurities of both body and gender that push people to troll SP and be douchehounds. I mean, if we knew the DotD or our new guide to all that is Right and Holy tzugidan for a fact had small dicks (what the hell is the plural of penis?) we wouldn’t mock them for it. (Hey some women can’t handle the bigger sizes anyway!) any more than we would mock them for being thin or fat or purple with pink stripes. The mockery is about lashing out at other people who are happy with themselves or trying to be positive because the douchehound is so unhappy with hirself they must make everyone else as miserable as they are.

    Time for a corn toastie to finish off breakfast.

    DRST

  139. I’m of two minds. On the one hand, you could say “well, I’m not talking about his/her actual body” when it comes to using “fat” as an insult, either — sure, you have no idea how big his dick really is, but it’s the fact of using it as a generic insult that’s a problem. Just like when you call someone a “fat jerk” or whatever whether they’re fat or not just because “fat” is the worst thing you can think of to say. The fact that they’re not actually fat doesn’t make it okay; the problem is using a body characteristic as go-to vitriol.

    On the other hand, while you’re only metaphorically insulting his actual dick, you’re also actually insulting his metaphorical dick, and the metaphorical dick is really important to this kind of guy. (By metaphorical dick, of course, I mean the proving of himself as a big man, superior to you dumb wimmins, etc.) I move that we explicitly insult people’s metaphorical dicks, e.g. “god, you are metaphorically hung like a pinkie.”

  140. s.darling, no argument here — I meant people with no Inner Resources besides hostility, not people with no other recourse. Big difference between hostility that arises from justified anger and large-scale oppression/disenfranchisement and hostility that arises from small-mindedness (and is generally used to further oppression rather than kick out against it). Sorry if my wording wasn’t clear!

  141. On the other hand, while you’re only metaphorically insulting his actual dick, you’re also actually insulting his metaphorical dick, and the metaphorical dick is really important to this kind of guy.

    I am in love with this sentence.

  142. “Small dick jokes? It’s not so much mocking someone for actually having a small penis, it’s mocking the insecurities of both body and gender that push people to troll SP and be douchehounds.”

    But isn’t that kind of like mocking someone on the internet (who may or may not be fat) by saying they are “fat and ugly and can’t get a date” or some such thing? I mean, regardless of the endowment of the guy in question, by saying that, we’re attacking any guy who does have, or thinks he has, a small dick – so yeah.

    On another note, though, do ‘tschuldigung (ok, that’s not his name, but it somehow fits) and his ilk honestly think that the people on this website have NEVER HEARD the messages that fat is DEADLY and we need to CHANGE OUR LIFESTYLES and so on? Yes, we are all living on islands with internet access to this website alone, and the poor, ignorant fatties are being LIED TO and MANIPULATED for filthy lucre! Thank god we have a savior to rescue us from the our mass delusion! Hallelujah!

    And there is no money whatsoever in telling fatties they need to lose weight… sheesh…

  143. After reading Tc’muchgar’s post… and running up several flights of stairs… I’ve decided to write… using only ellipses as punctuation… Because it sounds… like I’ve been out exercising… and have just dashed in… to put down anyone who isn’t…quite as windless… as I… ( phew)… am…

  144. I prefer not to use “dick” as an insult just because it’s gendered, and not to insult the size of someone’s dick simply because it’s saying that being more metaphorically manly is preferable. Even if I might really mean to insult them in the context of what THEY clearly would find threatening, I still try to remember not to do it. but i don’t have super strong feelings about that, and it seems like not many other people here do, either.

  145. I am flat on my back with the flu, feeling miserable, and yet I’m giggling my ass off reading these (even though it hurts my head!) I LOVE YOU ALL. You make me feel so much stronger and able to stand up for myself. I want to be all of you when I grow up, you cheeky, clever girls.

    I can tell I’m going to be humming “Hound of douche, Hound of douche, will you do the fat tango” for a while now!

  146. Wait, so, children all want to become an imaginary phallus so as to win back their mother’s love because she is basically only interested in cock, except maybe imaginary cock? Hein?

  147. okay… For some reason ‘Baby Got Back’ seems to be looking for a vaginal parody in my head so I’ll have a go…

    I’ve got a fat vag and I cannot lie
    All the douchehounds can tryta deny
    That when a chick walks in with lovely big vag
    That she wears it like a badge
    Of happiness with her life
    No patrician gonna bring her strife

    Hmmm…. This is harder than it looks! I applaud everyone else’s wonderful efforts and would suggest ‘Vaginian Rhapsody’ as the new title of the Queen tribute (I know it isn’t a proper word but think of it like Bahamian…)

  148. Okay, I’ve got two for you guys…

    First one goes back to Croce’s ‘time in a bottle’ –

    If I could change minds with my fatness,
    The first thing that I’d like to do
    Is to love every day
    ’till the bigots all pass away,
    All the morons like you

    If I could show you all my beauty,
    you’d see fat is lovely too
    Then you’d stop hating me for my waistline
    and see that I live like you

    But there never seem to be enough minds
    That open up their eyes to see
    Who I am
    I’ve looked around enough to know
    That folks like you aren’t worth
    Spending time with

    If I could open your closed mind
    And show you a woman’s value
    You’d see it exceeds
    Any quality of our bodies
    ’cause we’re human, like you.

    Second one is Fat Bottomed Girls –

    Oh, I’m gonna go home tonight
    Oh, I will feed my appetite
    Oh, I’m gonna eat just what I want
    Hey you douchbag, leave my rocking world alone!

    Oh, He was just a douchbag
    Didn’t know that he was bad
    But I heard him hate on my body, yeah
    He came after this fatty
    Didn’t know I could be catty
    Hey idiot, I got a beautiful body!

    Hey!

    I’ve been using the HAES plan
    Eat what I like, do what I can
    I’ve seen every diet fail the ones who try, heh
    People who hate their own fat
    Are so goddamn old hat
    Take me to Shapely Prose every time!

    C’mon
    Oh, I’ll go home tonight
    Oh, I will feed my appetite
    Oh, I’m gonna eat just what I want
    Hey you douchebag, leave my rocking world alone!
    Yeah, you douchebag leave my rocking world alone!

    ~Kali
    http://www.brilliantmindbrokenbody.wordpress.com

  149. *cries with laughter*
    I love you guys so much! This is reminding me of that awesome post where Kate talked about her comment policy and it turned into a thread about mondegreens.

    And we really need someone to come up with the choreography for the fat tango.

  150. Oh no! You linked to him, SM, and spoke his name FJ… Careful now! Once more and we’ll spend the next week spiraling into semantics…

  151. But talking burns calories, particularly if you enunciate or complain.
    Doing both at the same time is like a workout at the gym!

  152. Waltzing vaginas, waltzing vaginas, who’ll come a waltzing vaginas with me?

    Elise, I just hurt myself imagining this being sung at Australian sporting fixtures, complete with people dressed up as giant vaginas.

  153. I wish you huge obese would stop complaining and talking.

    Boo hoo, someone needs a WAAAAAAAAAAAHmbulance. It’s an EMOgency you guys, this guy can’t handle real life! Poor widdle douchyhoundy, aww the fat ladies intellectual discussions hurting your head?

    “You have the right to speak your opinion…I don’t care if you’re fat…just don’t act like it’s OK …It’s not arguable….it’s fact”

    Really? I’ve acted like it’s okay for a while, and I feel fan-freaking-tastic. Not only that, I’ve actually gotten HEALTHIER too! :D In your face, eclipcesy-whiner.

  154. the problem is using a body characteristic as go-to vitriol.

    OK that’s a fair point. And small penis jokes are gendered, as volcanista says, though I suspect many of the trolls who show up here are males who are horrified there are women in the world who don’t think their most important goal is to look attractive to all men everywhere.

    On the other hand, while you’re only metaphorically insulting his actual dick, you’re also actually insulting his metaphorical dick, and the metaphorical dick is really important to this kind of guy

    Yup. “Inadequacy Issues at twelve o’clock, captain!” ;)

    DRST

  155. I’m uncomfortable with the small penis jokes, they strike me as like jokes about breasts whether small or large; and when such jokes are used to put down the person having them that’s not good (not the same as just being silly). Small penis jokes contribute to the bad self-image of perfectly nice guys who either have or think they have small penii.

    Gah, I feel like *such* a wet blanket.

    A Sarah, the evolution of the google search was fun, thanks for sharing!

  156. Eh, I don’t use phallic size (or other qualities) as an insult, for the gendered reasons mentioned above. Also, I think it’s much more intimidating to get across the message that even if said guy has the biggest dick in the world, he’s still a hound-of-douche.

  157. DRST: that’d be “penes”, if you want to be all correctly Latin about it. “Penises” seems to have become common/acceptable as the English-language plural.

    All: I’ve loved the wonderfully-creative filking! (Also, this thread is a great example of why I like SP – full of the subversiveness of being fat and happy.)

    Sunflower

  158. Okay, this is off topic, but I totally needed to share this with you guys.
    I just went to my Twitter profile to check for new followers, and I saw I was being followed by the My Fat Spouse blog! I clicked the block button so fast it would’ve made your head spin.

    And i agree with SunflowerP, I enjoy the fat subversiveness that goes on around here.

    *goes and does fat subversive things…like eating and enjoying it.*

  159. Charlotte,, you mentioned before that you have a new blog. Do you have a link, or is it a low-key thing?

  160. Hi, I just wanted to say i really love your blog – and the fat-o-sphere book. In fact, so much so that it’s inspired me to set up a blog of my own, because I haven’t found many that are UK-centric and I wanted to reflect the media and ahem -‘zeitgeist’ (lol) over here.
    thankyou for your inspiration =)

  161. Has anyone seen this;

    Within seconds of meeting Beth Ditto, I’ve been pulled into a generous embrace, my head yanked down a foot or so and planted between her astonishing bosoms. It’s quite nice, actually, and not what I was expecting. There’s always that slight worry that fat people are going to be a bit whiffy — especially fat punk rockers — but Ditto, who’s 28 (both in age and dress size), is extremely fragrant.

    I read it in the sunday times style magazine, and got really annoyed. I immediately thought of posting it here, and found a link on their site to the article;

    http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/fashion/article6462773.ece

    I am sure I wasn’t the only fat girl annoyed by that.

  162. It is a low key thing, but you guys are welcome to visit! It’s just me talking about my life and things I’m interested in. Hmm…my name should have a link to my blog. Oh well, I’ll just leave it in this comment.

    http://called527.wordpress.com

  163. Hey Charlotte – I discovered the other day that I have my very own thread on My Fat Spouse linking to a couple of my most recent posts – how exciting LOL. But no-one has bothered to comment on my actual blog, besides the 1 troll.

    Makes me wonder though – some of those people must read the Fat-O-Sphere feeds to have found my posts, which strikes me as kind of amusing/ironic.

    And you never know, maybe sending people to our sites to get all outraged might have the opposite effect on some people, and we’ll get some conversions!

  164. Right, I think we have the definitive version:

    Is this the real life
    Is this the fatosphere?
    Caught by huge obese
    No escape from their complaining
    Open your eyes
    Look up to the skies and see-
    Im just a fat vadge, i need no sympathy
    Because I’m big and fat, dancin’ round,
    And you’re just a douchehound,
    Also, that concern troll doesnt really matter to me,
    To me

    Mama,just killed a man,
    I was fat at him, so fat,
    He just couldn’t cope with that…
    Mama, I’m a huge obese,
    And yet I dare to talk and to complain

    Mama oooh, don’t care that I am fat –
    If Im not thin again this time tomorrow –
    Carry on,carry on, ’cause it doesn’t really matter –

    Results… Not typical…
    Weight comes back along the line
    And you’re hungry all the time
    Goodbye, “lifestyle changes”, I’ve got to go
    Gotta read Kate Harding’s* book, and face the truth

    Mama, oooh (how this douche blows)
    I don’t want to diet
    I sometimes wish I’d never Weight Watched at all…

    I see a little silhouetto of a man,
    Hound-of-douche, hound-of-douche, will you do the fat tango?
    Ooga Booga Death Fatz, MeMe Roth is scaring me-
    Fatty Fatpants, Fatty Fatpants,
    Fatty Fatpants, Fatty Fatpants
    Fatty Fatpants, Shapely Prose -magnifico-
    Im just a fat girl, eating doughnuts (baby)
    She’s just a fat girl, from a fat family-
    Spare her from melodramatic obesity-

    Jenny Craig, Slimfast Plan, will you let me go?
    Bismillah! No, we will not let you go
    (Let him go!) Bismillah! We will not let you go
    (Let him go!) Bismillah! We will not let you go
    (Let me go) Will not let you go
    (Let me go) Will not let you go (Let me go) Ah
    No, no, no, no, no, no, no
    (Oh mama mia, mama mia) Mama mia, let me go!

    Beelzebub has a baby-flavoured doughnut for me, for me, for me!

    So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye-
    So you think you can silence me, tell me to die-
    Oh, douchehound-cant do this to me, douchehound
    Get the fuck out-just get the fuck outta here-

    FA really matters,
    Anyone can see,
    FA really matters, FA really matters to me

    (Anyway, this douche blows…)

    (* couldn’t quite shoehorn both names in, sorry!)

  165. (Forgot to change “let him go” to “let her go”, though of course I wouldn’t want to exclude teh fat menz, innit, so.)

  166. Also, all this talk of huge obese makes me want to make a spoof of the Attack of the 50ft Woman poster. But, you know, I’m too fat and lazy.

  167. Bwahahah that is fantastic! Who’s going to record the Vaginian Rhapsody film clip and post it on YouTube?

  168. I don’t know about recording it, but I’m going to print it out (with the changed him to her –or maybe just half of them; every other one?) and put it on my cork board for everyone who comes in my apartment to see. (Eventually I want a loudly colored sign that says “this is a no-diet-talk household”.)

  169. Omg that is fucking fantastic! This needs to go viral, I swear.

    Do you guys mind if I post this on my new blog tomorrow? Full credit given to all of youse, of course?

  170. Fat chicks blog and smash status quo
    F-A-F-A-O
    They write books and are on tv shows
    F-A-F-A-O
    With a Fat Acceptance here
    and an Obese there
    Here a Fat
    There a Fat
    Everywhere a Fat Fat
    Obese are awesome we know
    F-A-F-A-O.

  171. I couldn’t resist sharing a new fractal douchehound… someone wanted to comment about the aged cheese to say “did you eat it? God, fat people think about nothing except what they’re going to eat next.” Translation: “I think about nothing except what fat people are going to eat next.” It’s really terrifically flattering for people to be so intimately concerned, even obsessed with our well-being.

  172. “someone wanted to comment about the aged cheese to say “did you eat it? God, fat people think about nothing except what they’re going to eat next.””

    Yes, because this entire blog consists of NOTHING but “Hey, FJ, what are you going to eat next?” “Well, SM, I’m going to eat some bacon pie, what about you?” etc. *boggles*

  173. “did you eat it? God, fat people think about nothing except what they’re going to eat next.”

    Let me rise out of my bathtub full of fries and shake my bacon pie at thee, philistine!

  174. OMG! I’m actually laughing so hard that I’m crying!

    All these songs made me think of how “Vagina Dentata” has the same rhythm as “Hakuna Matata”, and how brilliantly Queen of Wands used the effect.

  175. This was an awesome thread to get me past my shitty day. Fabulous one and all. I haven’t laughed this hard in months.

  176. From the article about the lady who sampled the 1400 year old cheese:

    It is definitely the oldest food I have ever consciously eaten.

    I seriously, seriously hope that is the oldest food she (or anyone else) has ever eaten, whether consciously or unconsciously. I don’t like to think that the cafeteria is slipping me anything from the cretaceous era, though I suppose I cannot rule it out entirely. I’m pretty sure they’re serving canned veggies from the Carter administration, at least.

  177. do a google image search for “apple bacon pie” and prepare to be amazed.

    Bricks were shat. Is it wrong that it sounds kind of fucking delicious?

  178. Apples and pork nearly always go together yummily. :)

    I’ve heard that, but I’ve always been wary to try it, Peter Brady notwithstanding. I’ve been told of the bacon pie, but never tried one myself.

  179. Oh car, go for the pork + apples, it’s fantastic.

    Easy recipe: slice some asian pears and red onions, toss them with olive oil to coat; salt and pepper and add some fresh sage leaves to some pork chops; place all of them together on a rack under the broiler, or on a barbecue (might want the apples + onions in a basket for the bbq). flip pork chops once in the middle, and pull off when just cooked through (depends on thickness of chops). eat. ridiculously delicious.

  180. Late to the conversation, but I just have to say that if Susan Bordo had done nothing more for me than to explain (via her writing, not face-to-face, too bad) the difference between a penis and a phallus, I’d still be forever in her debt. But she has done this, and so much more. So much more.

    Now I shall return to blasting “50ft Queenie.”

  181. I have been away from my computer for several days (visiting at a friend’s house–shout out to Moio’s Bakery in PA!! Rum cake FTW!).

    I just wanted to thank y’all for your thoughtful comments on my use of small penii joke in my song parody. You’ve given me a lot to think about re: whether my use of “small dick” is negative body talk.

    Back to the festivities!

  182. I’ve never thought of keeping my cheese in a bog before

    In a thread that made me laugh and laugh, I think this did it most.

    interacings, your song made me so happy! And the folks spoofing Time in a Bottle are bringing me the joy of not being alone in my Jim Croce love. Woo!

    certainly the obese suffer their own maladys… It’s not arguable….it’s fact…

    You hear that, guys? IT’S NOT ARGUABLE. CLOSE DOWN THE BLOG.

  183. Frankly, I’m just glad to know that “obese” is now a plural noun. And I can only assume that the singular form is “oboose.” Which I love forever. Oboose. Say it out loud. Yes.

  184. Thanking my stars for finding this blog. This space is incredible. Had to recount my morning’s on-air experience with a radio dj. Set-up: two male djs and a younger female intern.

    I try not to listen to this particular radio show on my morning drive to work because it is absolutely moronic, but sometimes when I’m flipping through I’ll catch a commentary or two. This morning, they were discussing an email from a female listener who asked if she should tell her friend that she was “too fat” to be wearing a bikini or two-piece. This man (his ironic moniker is “Puddin”) kept talking about “how bad” many women looked in two-piece bathing suits, and how many “muffin tops” he had seen lately. I was seething. And I was also angered because his comments (obviously publicly) reinforced so many negative media stereotypes of women and their bodies.

    I decided to call in to comment. (pardon my paraphrased, verbose, and perhaps simple argument):

    I mentioned that no matter how “thin” or “fat” a woman is, a female’s exposure to these negative comments/images contributes to negative self-image, and comments (such as the ones made on the show) in essence are part of the problem, as these compound and essentially contribute to disordered eating in many women (regardless of weight). I also mentioned that the show is listened to by thousands of people (especially young women and girls) every day, so he has a decently sized audience for his negative platform.

    This guy became absolutely enraged. From an intelligent individual’s perspective, I was not attacking him: he clearly took it as such. He literally told me I was the “stupidest person alive” and that my logic was “shit” because I “told him he caused eating disorders.” I told him that he needed to take a logic class and that “correlation does not equal causation.” At that point, another ignoramus got on the opposite phone line and started telling me how “stupid” I was and how “I shouldn’t blame the dj because I’m fat and ugly.” I withheld the urge to reply with any rude or otherwise hateful remarks, but instead kept a calm voice and asked the dj why he was shouting at me.

    I didn’t expect a scholarly discussion on gendered media representations and power structures, but now that I look back, I could have just turned the radio station and let them continue their misogynist rant without calling in..one of their comments when I hung up the phone was “go write a paper on it.” I thought..”you have no idea.” After personally witnessing women risk their health in pursuit of this ideal body..and watching little girls ask friends if they’re “fat”… I had to comment.

    I somewhat regret calling, because anything I said was lost in an ocean of ignorance and rudeness (due to this a-hole who kept trying to talk over me), but I was glad to at least have my voice HEARD on the air, even though they continued to rip me apart after I hung up. Thank you so much for this blog and your witty and thought-provoking posts.

  185. I have read this blog for a long time, but have to admit I’ve skipped the comments. This time I scrolled down and realized what I’ve been missing! OMG! You people are so imaginative and hilarious! I’m proud to have a dancing fat vaj!

  186. argument with morning dj:

    every time someone calls them on this kind of thing, and does so calmly and logically, someone out there hears it.

    You don’t have to change their minds, or their behavior to have an impact, and I am glad you had the guts and energy to do it this time.

    I strongly suspect there is more than one teenage girl thinking “wow, it’s actually possible to talk back, and even if the douchebags out there don’t listen, they can’t do anything but squawk about it!”

    Not only that, but the nice ladies stuck listening to this crap because their carpool drivers insist on it, they all got a kick out of hearing your voice, too!

  187. I’m new to this website, but, it’s so great to know that there is a community of like minded women out there that I can identify with. You all are caring, funny, don’t-take-crap-from-anyone women, and I wish I knew you years ago so that my journey to self-acceptance wouldn’t have been such a long one. Thank you so much for not being ashamed to exist – you all inspire me!

    Much love,
    Amanda

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