Friday Fluff: The Fatosphere’s Got Talent

DAVID HASSELHOFF: So this is your first time on the show, A Sarah. What are you going to do for us?

A SARAH: Well, um, I’m actually singing a song parody that I wrote by request for this occasion.

(All three judges look pained)

PIERS MORGAN: You say it’s a song parody?

A SARAH: Yes.

DAVID HASSELHOFF: And of what song is it a parody?

A SARAH: “Rubber Duckie” from Sesame Street. (long pause) And, um, my version is called “Sloppy Mommy.”

SHARON OSBOURNE: “Sloppy…. Mommy?”

(All three judges look even more pained. Audience snickers.)

DAVID HASSELHOFF: (sighs) Okay, let’s hear what you’ve got.

(Music begins)

A SARAH:
Sloppy mommy, you’re someone
Of whom stylish folks make fun
But, sloppy mommy, I’m awfully fond of you…
Vo-do-do-di-o

‘Cause, sloppy mommy, there’s no chance
That big tees and yoga pants
Will get ruined by spit-up or snot or poo!

Oh, every day when you feel bad for not preening
Just think of what you’re saving on beauty crap and drycleaning…

JUDGES (in unison): THANK YOU! THAT’S ENOUGH!

NICK CANNON: Judges? Your thoughts?

PIERS MORGAN: I’ll start. Where to begin? I mean, look, it’s clear that you got your ideas for this whole setup – the America’s Got Talent Spoof AND the “Rubber Duckie” spoof — from other people: Kate Harding in the first instance, and Miss Prism in the second.

(audience boos)

SHARON OSBOURNE: I agree. And what’s more, I don’t even think you watch this show. I think you had to go on YouTube and Wikipedia just to get up to speed on who the judges even are and how this show works. You don’t even know the order in which we three usually talk. Plus, where’s your picture? You could have put your monster in until your icon’s ready. Learn to internet!

(audience makes obscene gestures)

DAVID HASSELHOFF: Absolutely. Furthermore, it’s clear that you had us cut you off quickly because you hadn’t gotten very far into the Rubber Duckie parody, and couldn’t think of a good rhyme for “drycleaning.”

SHARON OSBOURNE: Now, on that note, David – I do give A Sarah credit for being meta in this section; but that will only take you so far in the blogging business.

(audience boos and throws rotting produce, shoes, and anvils. A Sarah exits the stage.)

NICK CANNON: Well, it looks like A Sarah won’t be winning any million dollars. Fortunately, the Fatosphere’s got loads of other talent and cultural savvy. Up next, we’ll be seeing M. Leblanc, who blogs over at Bitch Ph.D. Her new Cover Fridays feature has audiences there oohing and aahing over her mad mixing skillz.

After that, we’ve got Tari, who has, sources say, been doing some recording recently AND JUST HAD A BIRTHDAY LAST WEEK!

Shapelings, do you have someone you’d like to see on “The Fatosphere’s Got Talent”? Someone with talent in art, music, writing, etc. Or are you yourself an undiscovered talent in the Fatosphere? Text your nominations by linking to them/yourself in the comments!

71 thoughts on “Friday Fluff: The Fatosphere’s Got Talent

  1. Ha, I totally misspelled “fatosphere” in the title of the post, which is still reflected in the link. I kind of like that — it’s like the pious legend about Amish quilts.

  2. Damn. I’m going to have Rubber Ducky playing in my head all day now until I find a good rhyme for ‘dry cleaning.’

    Of course I could go for semi-repetitive assonance(sp?) by using ‘dry heaving.’

    Nah. Too easy.

  3. Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! That, sadly, is all I have to say at the moment. That, and thanks for the morning giggle. Oh, and welcome, A Sarah.

  4. Brava and such! Truer words were never sung. :)

    Welcome again. Looking forward to your icon. XD

  5. Yay!! *flaily Kermit arms*

    I literally LOL’d. My cat is looking at me funny.

    Happy birthday, Tari, and congrats on your first post, A Sarah. I look forward to many more, for both of you.

  6. Heh, that’s awesome.

    And yes, happy birthday Tari! Late May birthday’s are the best! (AhemI’m27onmonday).

    (And it’s not a talent, but I seriously need someone here to tell me that it’s okay to speak up about FA elsewhere on the interwebz, ’cause I just wandered into a lions’ den of conformity and kool-aid drinkers to say that maybe someone needs to lighten up on the “weight issues” of the little (7 years old) girl in her life and accept that she may never be thin.

    I don’t think I used to right approach in talking about the anti-fat, anti-woman cultural messages, since most of the people on that board like to pretend that they are all special snowflakes and sociology doesn’t exist, though I tried to steer away from the “can’t tell someone’s health by looking” angle, since this crowd will just come at me with OBESITYEPIDEMIC!!!11 WHY DO YOU WANT THAT LITTLE GIRL TO DIE??!?!?!? type comments.

    Basically, I need a hug because I am shaking about the fall-out that’s about to occur.)

  7. {{{{Lucizoe}}}}, here’s one hug. I agonize about that stuff – FA and feminism and racism and classism – all the time. Hate fallout. Hate flamewars. But love people who stand up for what they believe in.

  8. Aw, Lucizoe. Here’s another hug from me. Yes, people are going to give you hell about it. That’s what they do. But you did a brave thing by speaking up, and you never know, maybe you changed the mind of someone reading who doesn’t have the guts to speak up. Good work. Now, take deep breaths, and try not to take it personally when they start with the “righteous indignation.”

    I gets easier with practice.

  9. Thanks Emmy and Jay! I think may just do the avoidance thing. It’s not anywhere I participate with any regularity, but this one woman and her issues with her daughter just…I want to punch her in the neck lots and lots.

    Now back to A Sarah lovin’! I don’t want to derail anymore with memememememe stuff! I’m good! (I originally typed “god” there. Wouldn’t that be awesome if god actually did inject themselves into internet threads like that. Hi! I’m god!)

  10. Aw, but lucizoe, I wanted to give you a hug too, and now you say you don’t need them anymore. *pouts*

  11. Okay, I was reading this while on a day-job conference call, and had to do a fake-cough-laugh thing until I got the mute button on. A Sarah, you crack my shit up! (Also, we should write some paradies together! I love writing that kind of stuff….although I might curse more than you do…)

    Thanks for the birthday wishes, everybody! Wheee!!

  12. That is a really good point, Tari (happy bday btw!!). One way in which A Sarah’s voice is quite distinguishable from the other bloggers here is the considerably lower incidence of potty mouth. But that’s something we can fucking work on.

  13. Great post, but the title had me waiting for a Susan Boyle moment. Like, your rendition of Sloppy Mommy brought everyone to tears or something. Ha! A Sarah’s first post! Hurrah!

  14. Leaning?
    Meaning?
    Weaning?

    I vote for ‘weaning’, as this concept is very dear to my heart right now . . .

    This is awesome!! I, too, will be singing “Rubby Ducky” all day—but it beats the heck out of REM’s “Stand”. . .

  15. Awesome, A Sarah. And not just because you linked to me, which, rock on. But because you linked to Tari….holy fuck!

    And because you’re funny as shit.

  16. *hugs* to Lucizoe it is a shame that people are such assholes, but it really, really bites when they’re doing it AT you. FWIW, I think you totally did the right thing by speaking up, and I hope for her sake that that little 7-year-old girl has someone like you in her real life, and isn’t surrounded by fat=death morons (who really ought to be contributing to a psychotherapy fund for her, given the damage they’re doing to her psyche and self-esteem!)

    Re: “Rubby Duckie” — I think I saw one of those once on the Good Vibrations website.

  17. hehe Yes, there IS a “Rubby Duckie” advertised, though I saw it at Adam & Eve. I think it’s actually called, “Rub Me Ducky!” lol

  18. Love it! Can’t wait to get home and into my sloppy mommy gear and wear it for the next 3 days! I promise to at least change my undies. Happy Memorial Day weekend to all!

  19. Congrats A Sarah (with kermie arms). Happy b-day Tari.

    Wish I had a talent to contribute but my humble talents are in crocheting and writing.

  20. Aw, shucks, A Sarah….thanks! I expect the studio cuts will sound better than what you’re listening to, which was mostly recorded in my kitchen with input from a creaky guitar strap and my cats. Or at least, they better, or I’m wasting my money!

    And also, M. LeBlanc, just listened to the cover….nice! I heart Audacity so much, and I won’t even mock you for your Ovation. ;o)

  21. Al – “The Pious Legend About Amish Quilts” is a bit of a mouthful for a child. How about just “T-PLAAQ?”

  22. http://lifeonfats.wordpress.com/

    I would nominate Bree! I have been scouring her blog today after seeing her comment from yesterdays firestorm over on Fatsionista. After a quick google search I found her and she’s a GEM!!! Very articulate, concise, and blogging about some damn important stuff that I think would be of interest to other Shapelings.

    And A Sarah you crack me up!! Yay for your inaugural post!!

    Oh and I nearly choked laughing at Rubby Ducky . . . .

  23. Oh, FINE!!! I tried resisting, but I can’t…hold…out…any longer!

    I’m de-lurking to nominate myself. (Apparently, I need to find myself some fatosphere groupies to take care of these things for me! A diva’s work is never done!) By day, I make giant robots, and by night, I sing jazz. Rad, I know. Not to fear, however — the universe is kept in balance by my complete inability to parallel park in fewer than 8 steps.

    Welcome, A Sarah!

  24. Lucizoe: That kind of situation sucks, and it’s always hard to know whether to spend sanity-watchers points and take the hit, or save yourself and walk away. The important thing is that you feel you did the right thing by stepping in, and no matter what they throw at you, you know you had the courage to stand up for your convictions. Just remember that while you’re never going to convince everyone in that hate-storm, you might have planted a seed or two in some brains that needed it. Well done!

  25. Iron Lesbian #2, I was TOTALLY going to say the same thing.

    Thanks, JoGeek and Heather. I peeked back in and surprisingly enough, nary a word has been spoken against me. In fact, a few self-id’ing fat ladies piped up with anecdotes about their own childhoods, not explicitly offered in support of me, but maybe I helped them feel safe enough to speak up, and that feels pretty awesome.

    So hugs back at everyone else. I’m feeling very huggy today

    (Things never ever turn out as scarily as my brain convinces me they will and that is getting easier to remember, so I’m feeling warm and fuzzy, although it is 88 F in Brooklyn right now and they turned off the water main on my street and I just got home and really want to take a cold shower, so that may account for the warm. And I feel like I’m taking up too much space on this thread. Sigh. Woe is me. :-P )

  26. Oh, A Sarah! Thank you for bringing to mind my childhood crush on Ernie. What a chill guy who wouldn’t mind sharing his toys, or giving you a little room if you needed it, or whatever I’m just glad to be your friend, Bert, etc.

    KJ Williams:

    I am an incredible parallel parker, and would gladly trade lessons (as many as it takes for you to feel comfortable and confident – of course) for a giant robot!!

  27. “Just think of what you’re saving on beauty crap and drycleaning–
    Bliss overweening!”

  28. bellacoker, I may be going about this all wrong. I should just ride on a giant robot instead of driving, and let *it* parallel park.

    DAVID HASSELHOFF: Okay, okay, KJ, if we admit you’ve got talent will you call off your giant robot? Good robot… niiiice robot…. Funny, that always worked with KITT–AAAAACK!

    Jazz is about the unexpected, I suppose. I try not to mix robots and jazz too much.

  29. This was just a one-shot I did a couple of years ago, but here is my Venus of Willendorf song on Garageband.com, for those who haven’t heard it yet and might be interested. I did all the keyb parts plus live percussion, no loops! (But boy, did I edit the crap out of the keybs. I’m a rather ungainly live player.)

    http://www.garageband.com/artist/normalfauna/songs

    And Tari and M. LeBlanc have bonos voxes. (Is that the right conjugation? My Latin totally sux.)

    And you, A Sarah, continue to be a crack-up.

  30. I used up all my talent when I wrote that poem incorporating every conceivable grammatical use of the word “fuck.” It was my finest hour.

  31. KJ Williams: That is also an option, I guess it would depend on the gas mileage . . . if it doesn’t pan out, you could engineer a mini-giant robot driver and let him/her parallel park.

  32. For talent, I offer some recent sewing successes and a picture of the Lemon-Berry cream torte I entered in the last office cake-off HERE. Somewhere I have pics from the last drum circle and a video of the fire poi and staff performance last summer, but I don’t think they’re on this computer.

  33. My talent is the ability to do things that require talent, and enjoy them, without being good at them. I try to avert criticism two ways, one, by stating right off the bat that I know I’m not any good at ______ (drawing, sewing, singing, dancing, painting, drumming, etc.), and two, by making sure it looks like I’m really, really enjoying myself so adorably that only a jerk would point out that I lack talent. It’s a talent!
    Here are some poems from when I was 20 years old, which is 20 years ago, to demonstrate:
    http://wellroundedtype2.xanga.com/702605977/twenty-year-old-poems/

  34. I’m only just starting to really participate in the fat-o-sphere (after reading the book!) but I have been a lurker/ reader for years. I am an illustrator, and have been playing with the idea of fat bodies in my work… I am still nowhere near finished developing the ideas but here are a few links to some of my drawings!

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/xochiquetcal/3084752128/
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/xochiquetcal/3080012570/
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/xochiquetcal/3290353174/

  35. statler: that was called the Rare Sketch!

    waldorf: the Rare Sketch?!

    statler: yeah, it wasn’t rare, and it certainly wasn’t well done!

    *guffawing*

    (actually, A Sarah, that was pretty damn funny. ha!)

  36. Wow, Tari, I really love your music! I’ll have to try to catch one of your shows. Is there anywhere I can buy this?

  37. I’m a long-time lurker, occasional commenter just launching a music site for my own singer-songwriter confections; the actual recordings = not very good yet, but here’s a taste:

    http://www.mmitchellmusic.com

    This went up literally yesterday; some of the kinks are not worked out. The added bonus is you get to see the beautiful design my brilliant lurking never-commenting partner created.

  38. Wow, KJ, brilliant.

    All I can say.

    Thant, and I’m glad I started reading from the bottom and posted my link before I listened to you; I would have lost my nerve.

  39. Love the parody! Mine would be in the style of the Pussycat Dolls – - – ‘Don’tcha wish your girlfriend was fat like me . . .’

  40. Awww, thank you for the warm fuzzies, defiantcreatrix! :)

    I have to hand it to you, though, doing the singer/songwriter thing, playing and singing your own tunes — it’s a brave, honest, beautiful thing you’re doing! Keep it up! That’s something I only wish I could do!

  41. Robotitron, thanks so much for the kind words! I’d love to see you at a show. In the meanwhile, I have lots of demo tracks posted various places around the internets….but am in the studio working on something sale-able. That should be done by the end of August and available for purchase and download….not sure where yet. But if you e-mail me (tarirocks at gmail dot net), I’ll put you on the mailing list and let you know!

  42. I am writing Hebrew School Musical 1, 2, and 3.

    Also, I have a fat rant set to music (kinda NSFW, language):

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