Cabanas are the shit. Last year, some girlfriends and I took a trip to Arizona — the sole purpose of which was to sit by a pool and drink; we rented a cabana for a day and it was by far the best money we spent on the trip. I had a lot of body stress about the trip, but went anyway. And I realized that #1) I was over 25 and therefore invisible to the Spring Break-y crowd, no matter what size I was, and #2) everyone is always so worried about how THEY look in a bathing suit that they don’t have time to worry about me. It was liberating.

“It is kind of amazing how closely related insecurity is to egotism.”
that is as clear of a way of putting it as years of therapy nicey-nice talk! We all think that EVERYBODY is looking at our zits, our wrinkles, our thighs, our scars, our chipped nail polish, our last year’s fashions. But really, in all honesty, everybody is so busily obsessed with listening to their own inner fears that they are not really paying attention to our own imaginary flaws. We ALL have situational stage-fright, but so many of us think we are the only ones who do. Thanks for admitting it!

Old corny saying but still works: Feel the fear & do it anyway (does anyone know where this came from?)

OMG, Becky, best laugh I’ve had all week! And I can’t wait to see you at the wedding.

Correction: you still totally look good in clothes; they just might not be the exact same clothes as when you were a different size.

Caitlin, I am very happy and relieved that you’re doing better. Your girlfriends are lucky to have you!

In honor of Easter I share The Ten Commandments Drinking Game

:)

DRST

She celebrated her “recovery” (if you call continuing to restrict and train for marathons recovery) by joining a sorority in college and generally only associate with image-conscious, cliquish girls who also happen to be very religious and very conservative. So you can only imagine what the rest of that bridal party looked and talked like. The only girl fatter than me (and I’m not fat) was the one who gave birth four weeks ago. The entire lead-up to the ceremony with the bridal luncheon, lingerie shower, rehearsal, blah blah blah was a battle between myself and my self hatred.

Truthfully, I was probably concentrating on my looks so much because I was trying not to think too much about my broken relationship with my sister and my fear that things will never be better. There were also my very private reservations about her reasons for getting married (quote from the luncheon: “I guess I shouldn’t just go off my birth control without telling him just so I can get pregnant and stop working at Deloitte, huh?” Bridesmaid: “I know someone who did that!” I couldn’t talk about any of this with anyone, so I turned it all on myself. I was an emotional wreck at the ceremony–not just a few glistening tears. We’re talking complete emotional breakdown in front of 200 people.

Without alcohol (for the record, I normally have about 5 drinks per year), this might not have a happy ending. I managed to keep a constant buzz going at the reception and have a total blast, dancing and acting silly with all of those girls without giving a shit about how stupid I looked. I also managed to write my sister a letter telling her what I admired about her and wishing her the best in her marriage.

Thank God it’s over.

This was really great to read, and I’m SHOCKED that you felt that insecure, and it’s funny, but it was a relief to meet you too since you are mythical as THE BRIDE’s brilliant PUBLISHED , celebrity, friend so I thought maybe you’d think I was an idiot with my unemployed and mushy mom-brain ( I was a little nervous reading this post because it sort of feels like spying, and I was worried I’d see myself in it as an idiot somehow). But it is stressful to be thrown in with a bunch of people you’ve never met before and whatever ones’ insecurities are will tend to bubble up I guess.

I am also really glad to have read this because I need to remind myself that the CABANA was REAL, because I was starting to wonder if i’d made that all up….that was my favorite part of the weekend too, by the way!