I’m a chocoholic, I’m addicted to chocahol

So this idea is so dumb that I don’t want to give it too much ink — certainly not as much as the BBC did, christ — but I got a laugh out of this article.

[Dr. David Walker] said chocolate used to be seen as a “treat” but had now become a harmful addiction for some.

GPs at a BMA conference in Clydebank have voted against his proposal.

Dr Walker, who is also a trained food scientist and nutritionist, told the BBC news website: “Obesity is a mushrooming problem. We are heading the same way as the United States.”

“Told the BBC News website,” huh? I guess he posted it on their comments section, because this certainly sounds familiar. Some people eat too much chocolate! Some people are fat! Therefore fat people eat too much chocolate!

And, of course, the reason they eat too much chocolate is that they’re too stupid to realize it’s bad for you and you shouldn’t snarf massive amounts of it at all times. Dr. Walker spit-froths to the BBC about the Dangerous Factoid that “a 225g bag of chocolate sweets contained almost 1,200 calories — almost half the recommended daily calorie intake for a man — and could be eaten incredibly quickly.” (ETA: As The Bald Soprano points out in comments, that’s about half a pound of chocolate!) This is technically true, I suppose. The same is also true of, say, a cup and a half of spray cheez, and that could be eaten incredibly quickly too. But it turns out that shockingly, “can be eaten” and “must therefore be eaten routinely by fatties” are not actually the same thing.

A pack of M&Ms, for comparison, is about 48 grams. If you’re fat and you’ve ever spent the day beating yourself up for “ruining” your diet by getting a pack of M&Ms from the vending machine, rest assured that this guilt and shame never happened. Nutrition expert David Walker says that you routinely inhale five times that amount of chocolate without even noticing.

This, he says, is probably because you’re such a dumb cow that you think chocolate is good for you:

He said: “There is lots of negative publicity about other fast food and junk food but chocolate is sneaking under the radar.

“People have been lulled into a false sense of security about chocolate.

“I had one patient recently who said to me she thought chocolate was good for you. People are being brainwashed into believing this.”

God, I know. What kind of unscrupulous organization could justify peddling such falsehoods to impressionable people? For shame.

175 thoughts on “I’m a chocoholic, I’m addicted to chocahol

  1. Oh my, what a silly doctor!!

    I particularly love the line:

    “Obesity is a mushrooming problem….”

    Mushrooms too huh? Or does he just mean chocolate mushrooms, …er.. which are acutally made from coconut as I recall.

  2. You know what is sitting on my desk right now? A chocolate bar! You know how long it’s been sitting there? Over 3 hours! How I managed not to shove it all in my face without even bothering to tear off the wrapper, I’ll never know. I must have amazing willpower for a fatty mcfatpants.

  3. AAAAAUUUUUGHGHGH!!!!!!!!!! (Bangs head repeatedly against desk.)
    I think this doc should focus less on obesity and spend more time trying to cure his own stupidity.

  4. I bought a Lindt dark chocolate bunny the other day. I ate the ears and part of the head. It’s been sitting, forgotten, in my desk drawer for three days now. Bad Fatty! (that is, I’m not good at being a fatty, apparently.)

    Fillyjonk, your last line is a masterpiece of linkage-as-le mot juste.

  5. Oh man, I’m jumping in on the love for that last line. It just about made me snort my milk. Fantastic.

  6. “Can be eaten extremely quickly” and “will then stay eaten” aren’t precisely the same either. The thought of bolting down a 225g bag of Minstrels… bleargh.

    (I know he means Minstrels, because I just checked and there’s only one bag of chocolate that size for sale at my onine supermarket. There’s one 250g m&ms too, but _everything_ else is smaller or multi-pack.)

    And that’s some fantastic sarky linking, too.

  7. Sheesh. I thought I did my bit to keep the chocolate industry afloat, but apparently I’m letting the side down.

    But considering the effect that chocolate has on the digestive system (or at least mine), if I routinely scarfed down as much as this gentleman assumes I do, I’d be phoning it in from the bathroom.

    As for chocohol, might I recommend Godiva liquors? They are happy making on all sorts of levels.

  8. “People have been lulled into a false sense of security about chocolate.”

    It’s true. I thought my chocolate was safe, but then it suddenly grew massive claws and teeth and tried to attack my little Jack Russell!!!!!

    The word must be spread about the dangers of chocolate. You shameful fatties are trying to kill innocent little yappy dogs!!! You should be ashamed.

  9. spoonfork, I did not know about Godiva liquors. I might have to stop by the Godiva store on the way home to properly prepare myself for the weekend.

  10. I was thinking “mushrooming” like “mushroom cloud.” Nuke the candy aisle!

    Hmm, where did I put that bag of Reese’s Easter eggs…?

  11. Man do I feel dumb.

    “I had one patient recently who said to me she thought chocolate was good for you.”

    ….because if one person’s opinion is all it takes to do research, why the heck did I spend two years on my thesis doing research? I could have just asked somebody!

    I’m glad Dr. Walker figured it all out.

  12. Ooh Reese’s Easter eggs. My very, very thin coworker just brought in what was probably a 225-gram bag of those recently because she likes them so much. She shared them and then I thought she ate the remainder but it must have been me.

  13. So funny, but I actually provide chocolate to my much skinnier co-workers. They eat it on a regular basis, but basically, I, as a “dumb cow”, have managed to not inhale each and every bit of chocolate candy I have sitting about a foot away from me. But my co-workers who are considerably skinner than myself come by a few times a day and eat the stuff… So what was that people who eat too much chocolate are fat and fat people are fat b/c they eat too much chocolate???

  14. I could also eat this box of paperclips on my desk incredibly quickly, and it would be far worse for me than chocolate. Perhaps they should tax paperclips too.
    /ridiculous metaphor

    Mmm, Reese’s eggs…

  15. I must add to my blog-fan-girl love of that last line of linking ingenuity ;)

    As for chocolate I just ate the second 17g Reese’s PB egg for the day so I’m only up to what…34? I have to get cracking if I am to ever meet my daily fatty requirement of 225…. after all, we don’t want to let all of fatty-dom down by NOT meeting some random doctor’s prescribed description of reality now do we? Although there IS peanut butter mixed with my chocolate so maybe I need to “scarf” more than 225 grams? *gah* Too much maths for this fatty….

    (OT for a second sorta: Anyone else giggle at the commercial for pb eggs with the chocolate rabbit kissing the pb jar that then turns into a pb egg? *poof* Love it!)

  16. Cadbury’s Mini Eggs. Those, and bunny jujubes are why I like Easter. And Robin’s Eggs, which are like Maltesers with a candy coating.

    I ate a medium-sized bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs this week. I thought it took me two and a half days, and my colleague helped, but clearly I’m delusional.

  17. I dumped my cardiologist because of chocolate. Seriously y’all. In his waiting room I came across an article about a study on the benefits of dark chocolate for lowering high blood pressure. This was in a cardiology publication for patients, so it wasn’t some quack source. The study said participants ate 3 oz. of dark chocolate a day. I immediately thought to myself how difficult that would be for me, as I’m not a big chocolate fan. I could imagine myself literally gagging over it by the second week. When he called me in for my exam, I mentioned the article conversationally. He replied, “I wouldn’t recommend that for you. You would binge on the chocolate and gain even more weight.” I was stunned. Literally. And hurt. And embarrassed. And angry that he assumed I was a binge eater just because I was fat. But I’m not so good at the face-to-face confrontations, so I muttered something about not even liking chocolate all that much and let him finish the exam. Then I NEVER WENT BACK. Asshole.

  18. ” Dr. Walker spit-froths to the BBC about the Dangerous Factoid that “a 225g bag of chocolate sweets contained almost 1,200 calories — almost half the recommended daily calorie intake for a man — and could be eaten incredibly quickly.”

    It’s almost as if he’s timed himself eating a whole bag – and this is his roundabout way of announcing that he personally holds the world’s record for chocolate-scarfing.
    I wish the reporter had asked HOW quickly a 225g bag of chocolate could be scarfed, and whipped out a stopwatch to double-check the time.

  19. *facepalm* That dang BBC and its brainwashing people into thinking chocolate is good for you… oh wait.

    My neighbors and I have been lulled into a false sense of security by the brainwashers! When I finish the second half of the bar of chocolate I bought 3 weeks ago, I might turn into a werewolf! Or just go on a rampage, knocking over displays in the grocery store to get to MOAR CHOCLITZ ROAARRRR!!!11ONE and killing everyone in my path until I have successfully consumed at least 225g.

    Oops, my bad, neighborhood. I saw some chocolate; couldn’t help myself.

  20. I’m a chocolate addict…duh as the name says…and i don’t care to admit it. maybe that’s why i’m fat. again, oh well. i’d rather eat my chocolate and feel better. cause it does make me feel better, and i prefer that to some other chemical going in my body. everyone has their vices, and that is my #1. but to eat a whole bag of chocolate in one setting? …not impossible, but i will notice, because it will make my tummy hurt like hell! come on now. dumbass.

  21. ampleproportions, if chocolate turned people into werewolves, I think it might be more popular. I wonder if white/milk/dark chocolate would determine where on the good/neutral/evil scale your werewolf self would fall.

  22. He replied, “I wouldn’t recommend that for you. You would binge on the chocolate and gain even more weight.”

    Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with people, and why can’t we all go en masse to smack them down?

    Sorry guys, this choclate thing is my fault. I’m currently enjoying a chocolate chip cookie despite the fact that it is not yet 10am. Of course, this was because I thought it was part of a doctor recommended complete breakfast. :-( If only it had been taxed.

  23. I do eat chocolate. I probably eat more than the average person. I eat it whenever I please. In fact, sometimes I replace meals with chocolate. Sometimes I replace TWO meals with it. And I don’t mean dark chocolate. I mean MILK chocolate preferably plain or sometimes with peanut butter or caramel, depending on what I’m hungry for.

    I do not feel the least bit guilty. Why? Because I’ve decided the stress of worrying about and avoiding a food that I love more than any other food in the world is probably more dangerous for my cardio-vascular health than just eating the damn candy.

  24. I dream of a day when people wake up and realize that all the spokesmodels that are doing all the yapping on behalf of the War on Obesity are a bunch of FUCKING FOOLS. Fools and tools, each and every one of them.

    P.S. I don’t each chocolate very often because it tends to make me feel ooky, Dr. David Dingdong, so EAT ALL 280 POUNDS OF ME. Twit.

  25. Wait, Reese’s makes eggs?? Why have I never heard of these before?? (and *sigh* that I’m on the wrong side of the Atlantic to get my hands on some to try them…)

    Man, I live in day-tripping distance from Switzerland, no wonder I’m fat! /snark

    (seriously, how can they print this tripe?)

  26. MissPrism: Chocolate Stout? About time!

    JR: I don’t think I’ve ever seen the liquors in the actual Godiva shops (though, admittedly, I was distracted). But I can usually find them anywhere that sells Bailey’s, including the spirits shop of my local grocery store. Not that I guzzle the equivalent of 225g, mind you—this stuff is for reverential sipping, so I don’t run out too often.

    killedbyllamas: Wow! I think I would have to make a paperclip sandwich with really thick bread to get a box-worth swallowed down in a comparable time to a bag of chewable chocolate. What’s your secret?

  27. I love chocolate, keep it in the house all the time, eat it regularly, but not an entire bag at once. I am not great with metrics, so I don’t recall how big a 225 gm bag is. However, I do know this doctor is a stupid asshole & should not be allowed to speak in public or practice medicine. I want to keep chocolate in reach, but I only seriously crave it if I CAN’T have it. My chocolate-loving grandmother ate more than I do & she died at the tender age of 90, so I think I will keep it as one of my own comforts & joys, &, yes, it does have nutrition in it as well.

    As for not recommending chocolate to a fat person as being good for her heart because she would just binge on it, that is simply unspeakable! I hate & distrust doctors to begin with & this one would have been lucky to be conscious when I left his office…at the very least, he would have gotten an earful. Double asshole!

  28. This reminds me of the Target Women about dieting where she plays the clips of dietitians on TV shows saying how much weight people can lose if they cut out soda. Sarah Haskins then sums it up along the lines of : “So, cut out one can a day, and you can lose 5 pounds this year. Cut out a liter, and you can lose 15 pounds! Don’t drink that much soda? Fuck you!”

    whispers: I don’t even like chocolate that much. It’s too rich for me to want to consume a lot of it. My favorite is Cadbury Mini Eggs, though. They are the best thing that ever came out of a clucking bunny! They go crunch crunch. I ate 5 yesterday! I’ma die now.

  29. I was just reading this article on the BBC website and the fiorst thing I thought to myself was “I wonder if this is on Shapely Prose yet”, so here I am, and it is :) I AM pleased that doctors voted against this tax, even if it was only by a small majority, shows that not all Scottish doctors are as dumb as the one that proposed it. One line that I found particularly offensive, and I am British was:
    “Obesity is a mushrooming problem. We are heading the same way as the United States.”
    So, he has managed to not only suggest that all fatties eat 225g bags of choclate in one fowl swoop, but that Americans are EVEN WORSE!!!!! OMG!!! Did he not read the reports last week that Britain now has worse levels of diabtese (caused by obesity, caused by chocolate, doncha know) than the USA. Jeeeez, get with the programme doc.

    I just ate two choc chip mini muffins.

  30. I think the truly frightening thing is that someone in our community has never had or even HEARD of a Reese’s egg.

    Where’s the special committee/conference/research funds to address that travesty?

  31. Oh, yes, nobody knows that chocolate is high in fat and calories. Nope.

    Hands up, how many people have been warned by a complete stranger for daring to eat it in public? I got told off, in front of two co-workers and three other customers, that the mini-egg in my hand was going to totally ruin my figure if I didn’t kick the habit, and it would make me spotty too!

    I’m not sure if it’s more or less offensive that it was a woman telling me that. Normally those sorts of comments came from the rentacops.

  32. valerie: I’ve been living in Germany for nearly two and a half years. They Don’t Have Them Here. Or Cadbury eggs, either normal or mini. It’s a tragedy, I know.

    I wouldn’t at all mind a care package :D

  33. I might stop by the Godiva store on the way home anyway, spoonfork, but thanks for the heads up.

    I just noticed that the chocolate bar I am currently eating is 100g. I don’t think I’m going to eat more than half right now. Even I hadn’t just eaten lunch, I don’t think I’d be able to eat 2 and a quarter of these.

  34. The Bald Soprano, I lived in Germany for a year and was so delighted with the candies and chocolates available there (Milka especially) that I didn’t even notice what US treats weren’t there.

  35. (OT for a second sorta: Anyone else giggle at the commercial for pb eggs with the chocolate rabbit kissing the pb jar that then turns into a pb egg? *poof* Love it!)

    Oh heck yeah! So cute!!

    Excuse me while I go binge on the leftover chocolate Easter bunny from last year . . .

  36. AGGGGGHHHHHH I hate the old ‘its gonna give you acne’ nonsense. Deep breath. If chocolate indeed gave you acne, I would have to wear a bag over my head.Similarly I don’t have hair on my palms and my vision is fine.

    They don’t have Cadbury Eggs? But they’re made by a British company. They’re in the EU! The British must be using Cadburry as some sort of diplomatic leverage. Or maybe this is a subtle punishment for the Blitzkrieg the Brits thought nobody would catch on to.

  37. Are fatties turning into mushrooms? Are Italian plumbers going to eat us to get bigger? HELP

    Didn’t you know this is the real danger of the obesity epidemic? There is a very strong correlation between being fat and turning into a magical mushroom that causes plumbers to grow uncontrollably. Plus I saw that happen to a fatty at Chili’s once.

  38. Kaz, last year at work some of us were getting our picture taken to be in an ad and I replied to the scheduling e-mail “oh good thing it’s today, cuz I look awesome!” and later I was in another office and they had a dish of kisses or something and I go “ooh, chocolate!” and took one and a co-worker joked “careful, or you won’t look awesome” to which I replied “nope, pretty sure I will.”

    Must say, though, that I’m an inbetweenie and it wasn’t really a “OMG you are so fat you will die if you eat that” comment so much as a stupidly ingrained food morality/food makes you fat/fat is bad comment, which isn’t much better but it wasn’t personal. These stupid cultural hang-up comments are bad enough, I can’t believe people think they have the right to try to tell an adult STRANGER what not to eat for their own good. I’m gonna bite their ankles.

  39. JR: It turns out that ALL Milka now has hazelnuts in the ingredients list. Which I’m allergic to. Don’t get me wrong, I like some of the German chocolates a LOT (the ones I can eat), but they don’t do anything with chocolate and peanut butter. And very little with chocolate and mint. *sigh*

  40. Valerie, if chocolate caused acne, I wouldn’t even have acne. I’m lactose intolerant. I can only handle it in very small amounts. Clearly though, if a person eats one mini egg, it must be because they’re totally addicted and subside on nothing by cadbury goo.

  41. Tangerina, you are a better person than I. I probably wouldn’t have been able to be entirely polite.

    Telling strangers off seems to be a superiority thing to me. A case of, “Yes, I’m XYZ and I’m not exactly [person] but at least I’m not like that damn lazy chocolate eating [creative description]”

  42. Kate, oh yeah, I probably should have linked that but I forgot about it. :)

    Dude, no prob. I just figured throwing in the link was more efficient than saying all the same shit over again.

  43. *facepalm* What a completely idiotic article. The whole thing is complete crap, but what’s especially ridiculous to me is this line “He warned that many people were consuming this amount of chocolate on a daily basis, as well as their normal meals, and were unaware of the harm it was doing. ”

    I want to see the documentation of this shit. I want to see records of how many of his patients actually DO do this shit EVARY day. 20 bucks says ONE patient out of like…. however the fuck many patients he has. But since there’s no quotation, I’m inclined to believe he’s making it up off the base of that ONE patient he’s quoted saying, “I thought chocolate was good for you”. So since ONE patient isn’t entirely wrong in noting that there actually are some nutrients in chocolate, ALL his fat patients must be stuffing their mouths full ALL the time with chocolate. *giant headache inducing eyeroll* Gimme a freaking break. Not only is that completely faulty logic, the fact that there’s no documentation to prove his claims SHOWS that he’s drawing shit out of the air.

  44. Christine, I admire your restraint at not rolling up that publication and cramming it up the doctor’s nose.

  45. You mean chocolate isn’t good for you? What about all those studies that said otherwise (like the ones you pointed out Fillyjonk). Darn it, that’s the only reason why I started eating the stuff in the first place.

  46. Sigh. Another day, another “put down the fork. you are fat and you will die” article. Last time I checked, everyone dies whether they’re fat or not. I happen to like chocolate, and will not give it up. Anyone suggesting otherwise will be stabbed–they can fuck off and have a nice day.

  47. First, that was just hilarious. Although I think you missed one important point: we don’t eat chocolate all day because we’re fat–we eat chocolate all day because we’re fat women. And, it makes perfect sense, since everybody knows that sex and chocolate are interchangeable for women, and nobody wants to have sex with fatties. Hence, chocolate.

    I actually like chocolate quite a bit, but rarely eat it. I have an abnormally reactive nervous system, I think, and even tiny amounts of caffeine send me into either irritating fits of hyperactivity or outright panic. I was once given a caffeinated large latte instead of a decaf one before a meeting when I was in grad school, and spent the entire meeting pacing the floor, shaking, and talking like somebody on meth until my advisor sat me down, took my pulse, and found it was like 180. I totally should have sued the coffee shop, if only I were more litigious.

    Anyway, I generally avoid caffeine like the plague, so dark chocolate or anything with cocoa is out, because it makes me feel like crap. Milk chocolate has very small amounts of caffeine, but a lot of stuff with milk chocolate has a ton of sugar, and too much sugar makes me all edgy and hyper, too. As I’ve gotten older I can tolerate milk chocolate better and will enjoy a bowl of chocolate peanut butter ice cream (my most favorite food in the entire world) a few times a year, and I usually buy myself a four-pack of Cadbury Creme Eggs at Easter and will eat like one a day without a problem, but otherwise I try to steer clear of chocolate.

    I actually tend to just tell people I’m allergic to chocolate, because the “even a little caffeine makes my body go insane!” answer sounds kind of crazy itself, and if I just turn it down, they’ll often assume I’m on a diet and make some sort of comment about that.

  48. Bizarrely, at the same time as the BBC is doing the ‘fat people scarf chocolate and will die’ dance, the Daily Mail (bleugh) has a 100 year old who eats 30 bars of chocolate a day and ISN’T DEAD.

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1161471/Cocoa-nut-grandmother-aged-100-munches-30-bars-chocolate-week.html

    But she’s not fat so there’s no OMG OBESITY CRISIS BOOGA BOOGA.

    I wouldn’t usually link to the Daily Mail, but said 100 year old is my grandmother, so I couldn’t resist it. She taught me all I know about eating chocolate, heh heh heh.

  49. TBS: Wait, Reese’s makes eggs?? Why have I never heard of these before?? (and *sigh* that I’m on the wrong side of the Atlantic to get my hands on some to try them…)

    OH MY…you have not had a reese’s egg???? I am SO SAD for you..seriously. I have had at least one every year for as long as I remember at easter time. Listen to me. Please dear baby jesus, give me your address and i will personally send them to you. my email is iheartchocolat at gmail dot com. I don’t care how much it costs…no one should be deprived of the reese egg!

  50. ampleproportions, if chocolate turned people into werewolves, I think it might be more popular. I wonder if white/milk/dark chocolate would determine where on the good/neutral/evil scale your werewolf self would fall.

    White chocolate should definitely be evil werewolves. That stuff tastes like sweetened Crisco…bleccch. Lindt Balls should be the hero werewolves. And chocolate mixtures, like crispy, should mean that you’re only *part* werewolf. Wait, what were we talking about again? I think I got carried away… ;)

    Seriously, yet another wagging finger from a so-called doctor in the UK. Is anyone else getting tired of all the nannying? I’d love to find out where this guy’s favorite bar is, pull up a stool next to him, and devour a whole 225g bag of chocolate bunny heads whilst staring at him and raising my eyebrow emphatically from time to time.

  51. This whole article reeks of “let’s be outrageous so the media will pick it up and run with it”. Dude, I hope your professional reputation was worth it.

    Having said that, they’ll get my chocolate when they pry it from my cold, dead, sticky hands. I love chocolate. I’ve even told my doctor that giving it up is not an option so don’t bother.

    It’s like they want to take away everything pleasurable in life. Fuck that. (Or don’t fuck it, if you find that pleasurable. ARGH.)

  52. Well, I recently discovered that I, personally, should make chocolate a more occasional thing. The post-Valentines chocolate discounting is ongoing around here. Subsequently, I’ve been eating more chocolate more regularly since February 15. I’ve also been having more frequent migraine attacks. I’ve finally put the two together. Thing is, even in this higher-intake period, I never got close to a half-pound a day! I’m going to cut back, but not for weight reasons. I’ve got to do whatever I can to alleviate migraine symptoms, which has fuck-all to do with being fat!

  53. Hey, don’t go knocking the white stuff. It’s a poor substitute, but it’s all I have to cling to if I don’t want to sacrifice the next two days to The Migraine From Hell. Actually, this thread is starting to give me a migraine (I basically can’t grocery shop around Vday or Easter, as just the smell of chocolate can set me off. I must not actually be fat, what with the complete lack of chocolate, soda, fast food, binge eating, and whatever food they’re trying to tax today.)

  54. @ bigliberty:

    I’d love to find out where this guy’s favorite bar is, pull up a stool next to him, and devour a whole 225g bag of chocolate bunny heads whilst staring at him and raising my eyebrow emphatically from time to time.

    I.. I think I might love you.

  55. *sobs*

    Some people actually live in a way that this Walker dude doesn’t like! Dr. Walker, who is a TRAINED FOOD SCIENTIST!

    I am so sad. Trained food scientists shouldn’t have to be confronted by other human beings whose eating makes the food scientists feel ookie yet secretly superior. Clearly, they should just get too feel superior *without* the ookie!

    Of course, we’ve not yet found a way for this to happen, which is why I propose a tax on asinine news articles. The money would fund special research programs to figure out how to enable trained experts to feel superior *without* having actually to be exposed to people of whom they don’t approve.

  56. This is guy is for real – I heard him talking on the radio on the BBC morning show as I was getting for work. My boyfriend was still in bed and grumpily said, “Chocolate doesn’t make people fat. But talking rubbish like this seems to have given this guy a fat head.”

  57. Are you fucking kidding me??

    Brings to mind that old “joke”,

    Q: What do they call the guy who finished last in his class in Med school?

    A: Doctor.

  58. A Sarah, you win again.

    (a sudden thought: what if this Dr. Walker turned out to be from the founding family of Walkers crisps *snrk* I know, it’s extremely unlikely, to the point of impossibility, but *giggle*)

  59. “Chocolate doesn’t make people fat. But talking rubbish like this seems to have given this guy a fat head.”

    I thought that was going to be going somewhere else. Like, “Chocolate doesn’t make people fat. Fat fatties sitting on their asses all day stuffing their mouths with chocolate makes people fat.” In which case your bf would be kind of a jerk. Instead, he just had a good point. ;)

  60. Never mind Lindt dark chocolate bunnies, what about chocolate babies? Wouldn’t that be awesome? Chocolate babies with baby-flavour filling. We can have them as well as baby doughnuts, because a varied diet is important.

  61. I am definitely addicted to chocolate. I don’t care if it’s not physiologically possible. I love the stuff and eat some everyday.

    My husband and I keep a supply of chocolate to snack on. Yes, chocolate is my snack. I have a strong sweet tooth in general. Yet, I am skinny with normal blood pressure and cholesterol levels. When people learn that I LOVE chocolate, they seem to think it’s a cute, quirky thing. If I were fat, no doubt I would get dirty looks.

  62. Yonah, are you old enough to remember there was an actual candy called Chocolate Babies? I used to love them as a kid. It was only when I got a little older that I realized the name was probably some kind of racist joke.

    Oh, I just looked it up online, and they still exist:

    http://www.oldtimecandy.com/chocolate-babies.htm

    Anyway, they were tasty. I love that kind of candy (marshmallow-y flavored). Being a vegan, however, I eschew (rather than yes-chew) anything containing egg whites, gelatin, and whatever’s in there. Hence the dark Lindt bunny rather than the milk-chocolate bunny, whose red ribbon was cuter than the brown ribbon on the dark bunny.

  63. I literally just listened to the audio version of this as part of the BBC World Service news podcast this morning. At one point, Dr Walker (and let me say that his Scottish accent makes listening to him much more entertaining than reading him) at one point goes off on a bit of a tangent about mental illness and the interviewer actually interrupts him to ask, “Chocolate can make you depressed?”

    Walker responds: “YES! I think that…. when you become chronically obese that potentially might affect body and self image, which can lead to DEPRESSION!”

    Which. Uh. Is this guy SURE he’s a real doctor?

  64. Frankly, Lesley, from what you report, I think he just hates chocolate. He probably went to med school just so he could claim the authority to tell us all the reasons why chocolate is evil.

    ;-)

  65. Tangerina, “They go crunch crunch” brings a tear to my eye with the cuteness. I love it. And they do!

    As your resident dark-chocolate-loving, junk-food-snarfin’ fatty, I can tell you that under most circumstances if I ate 225 grams of chocolate in one sitting, I’d be enduring stomach pains for quite a while afterward. I would say I’d be barfing it up, because probably that would be the body’s normal reaction, except for some reason I never ever throw up unless I have food poisoning. Anyway, my point is, that is a lot of chocolate. It’s like half a pound!

    Also, in googling “225g chocolate” to fact-check myself and make sure it wasn’t an amount that I routinely inhale without even realizing it, I found a delicious-looking way to use 225 g of chocolate: http://www.jackiemorris.co.uk/february07.htm (recipe near top of entry)

  66. You know, sometimes I go through a big bag of chocolate in one sitting. That’s usually because it’s sitting where I can reach it and I eat it automatically because I don’t realize I’m hungry for actual food. I’ve learned to keep all snacks someplace where I have to go and get them if I have a craving, and where I could get food. If I have to go into the kitchen anyway, there’s usually a fresh pot of soup waiting to be eaten.

    Surprisingly, once you remove them from my immediate grasp, the chocolates last longer because I only eat them when I want them. I also notice more how they taste and have been slowly working my way through several different brands to find some that don’t taste like waxy ass (Ghiradeli is actually pretty disappointing).

  67. Maybe he was bullied by chocolate as a child. Or chocolate murdered his parents.

    He shot a chocolate bunny in Reno, just to watch him die.

  68. Stupendousness: When people learn that I LOVE chocolate, they seem to think it’s a cute, quirky thing. If I were fat, no doubt I would get dirty looks.

    My mom is exactly like this. She’s constantly muching M&Ms. She has ice cream for dinner like once a week. And she’s probably a size 6. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE I ASK YOU.

    The Bald Soprano, Reese’s eggs are especially awesome because the peanut-butter-to-chocolate ratio is higher than with regular Reese’s cups. In case you were wondering why everyone is so crazy for them.

  69. Yes, because taxing things obviously keeps people from consuming them. Worked for things like alcohol, tobacco and gas, didn’t it? No alcoholics, nobody smokes, and everyone drives fuel efficient cars.

    Bring on the chocolate. I just realized I have only one hershey’s kiss in my office. CHOCOLATE EMERGENCY!! ;)

  70. I like chocolate often, but not always. When I first learned about how frequently it is the product of slavery, I tried to quit eating it, but it’s EVERYWHERE. A latte instead of a mocha isn’t that big a deal, but go to a pot luck and try to eat dessert without it having chocolate in it.

  71. The Bald Soprano, I have a lot of comments to catch up on so I don’t know if someone already offered this, but if you email me your address I will happily send Reese’s eggs. Especially if we do an exchange! I used to have a regular candy exchange set up with some friends in New Zealand (any Kiwis here? How come you guys like such weird candy?) and it was great.

    I am a big fan of chocolate and eat it often. But I do not eat half a pound at a time. (Thanks for the metric conversion, TBS, I think I will add it to the post! I got Google Calculator to convert it into ounces, but didn’t even think that it might be an amount better expressed in pounds. Ridiculous.) I’m sure I have, in my life, eaten half a pound at a time, or at least half a pound in a day — certainly around Hallowe’en! And that’s fine too. But I do it ON PURPOSE. The implication that I must not know what I’m eating is so fucking offensive. (And if I routinely ate half a pound of chocolate “incredibly fast” without knowing what I was eating? That would be disordered.)

  72. Also Lesley, this:

    Walker responds: “YES! I think that…. when you become chronically obese that potentially might affect body and self image, which can lead to DEPRESSION!”

    is so fucking hilarious. Talk about your blatant examples of confusing fat with eating… he has literally substituted the word “obesity” for the word “chocolate” in answering the question.

  73. In fact, I think I’m going to do that all the time in the future.

    “I’ve got PMS, bring me some obesity!”

    “My boyfriend better get me flowers and obesity for Valentine’s Day!”

    “I’d like one cone, vanilla-obesity swirl.”

    and of course a T-shirt reading “hand over the obesity and no one gets hurt.”

  74. Uh-oh, I’d better not tell Dr. Walker about the annual chocolate festival in my county. He’d probably have a meltdown seeing people consume their free five samples they get!

    And chronically obese? How do you get chronically obese? Do you smoke joints filled with sugar and cholesterol? This is a puzzlement.

  75. vanilla-obesity swirl
    Ok, time for a new keyboard!

    Regarding Reese’s eggs and the chocolate to peanut butter ratio, my coworkers and I, being statistical types, conducted a study a couple of years ago on the various Reese’s configurations, i.e. mini cups, regular cups, mini eggs, regular eggs, and giant freaking eggs. It was determined that the regular eggs were indeed optimal. We really should publish that. :P

  76. there’s a chocolate bar at whole foods that is chocolate and bacon.

    I think I’m going to go get one be fat at Mr Walker (I can’t bring myself to call him Dr)

  77. Gagging at the thought of 1 1/2 cups of spray cheese… and I’ve never even tried spray cheese. I’m sure it’s better than it sounds.

  78. Not to hijack the thread or shameless self-promote, but yes, I have a blog now! So come over and comment!

    End.of.shameless.self.promotion. Back to making fun of yet another fat-shaming “professional” and loving your chocolate.

  79. OMG Dolcina your grandma is adorable! Yay for her! She’s totally my idol and has inspired to to eat at least 225g of Cadbury Dairy Milk. I wouldn’t want to disappoint!

  80. Lesley, “the man in brown” has me smiling with delight.

    Oh, and Dr. David (“Not the Shortbread Family”) Walker, your little news story reminded me about the choco-bunny in my drawer and I just ate another whole 1 oz. (approx. 30 grams) of it. Strangely, I was NOT compelled to binge out on the remaining 30 grams. Take that, you jerk, and tell Christine’s asshole cardiologist, too, if you run into him.

  81. Also, I am loving the desperate, telegraphic demands for information from Fillyjonk’s medulla oblongata.

  82. So I took my dearest, aged, somewhat deaf grandfather to his Drs. appointment and it turned out that he needed blood work. BUT, it couldn’t be done because GF had eaten breakfast.
    What, the nurse asked, had he eaten for breakfast?
    She asked me because GF doesn’t hear real well.
    I had watched my GF fully enjoy his breakfast of chocolate–he’s mad for chocolate–and milk so I told her what he’d eaten.
    My GF, btw, is thin and has been all his life.
    I’m not thin. I’m fat.
    The nurse was horrified that my 86 yr old GF had eaten chocolate for breakfast. She made comments about diabetes in the elderly and then SAID MAYBE I SHOULD STOP SHARING MY CHOCOLATE WITH MY GRANDFATHER AND POOR EATING HABITS IN FAMILIES ALWAYS BLAH, BLAH, BLAH…….

    MY chocolate
    MY FUCKING chocolate

    I haven’t been able to actually tell anybody about this till now

  83. OMG StellaNorte, she went out of her WAY to insult you with her ignorance. She drove her Ignorance Car the wrong way down the highway and jumped the divider and crossed two lanes in order to be so wrong and insulting. That’s just heinous.

  84. Also, I am loving the desperate, telegraphic demands for information from Fillyjonk’s medulla oblongata.

    They are not telegraphic! This would be telegraphic:

    .–. .-.. . .- … . / … . -. -.. / .. -. ..-. — .-. — .- – .. — -. / .- -… — ..- – / -.-. …. — -.-. — .-.. .- – . / ..-. . … – .. …- .- .-.. / -.-.–

    Please tell me why I did that by hand when there are so many Morse translators on the web. Sheesh. Nerd.

  85. WOW I HAVE NEVER SEEN A MORSE CODE NERD BEFORE. Maybe I meant “telegrammic”? No, I think I used the word ok. But I dearly cherish the effort that went into the Morsely pyrotechnics.

  86. I run half marathons, and the first one I ran was sponsored by a chocolate factory. You started and finished at the factory, and when you finished you got samples.

    I discovered how much chocolate I could eat after running 21km. Two squares, estimate one ounce.

    (Dear Doctor, I routinely run very long distances, and don’t eat chocolate often, as I haven’t been feeling like it. I like olives more. Please explain why I’m not thin: oh, my, goodness, is it more complex that “eats chocolate'” and “doesn’t eat chocolate”)

  87. I SAY BREE OLD THING DO SEND INFO RE CHOCOLATE FESTIVAL STOP AND BRING JEEVES STOP REALLY BREE YOU MUST SEND INFO I ABSOLUTELY REQUIRE IT STOP DON’T FORGET TO BRING JEEVES STOP

    Okay, that’s my best attempt at a Bingo Little telegram, I’m afraid I wasn’t quite up for it. Better at Morse evidently.

  88. Bree old thing, I think you really had better biff off and update your blog with all that chocolate-festival whatnot before FJ dies of longing. :)

  89. Yes, that’s much better. Only it has to be five times as long and mention cigarettes. I guess they don’t really have the “STOP”s in there but that is the other thing I think of when someone says “telegram,” besides Bingo Little.

  90. Hee Hee Hee! Y’all have made my day, betwen the Wodehousian telegrams (and yes, they really do have STOP in them, at least when you get them, I believe) and the discovery of Reese’s eggs!

  91. (and yes, they really do have STOP in them, at least when you get them, I believe)

    I mean Bingo’s don’t. He knows not the stop, as Lysander would say.

    Man I am on NERD FIRE today.

  92. Ha, Emma, there’s a 5k run near me every year that’s called “Mayor Higgin’s Hot Chocolate Run.” The mayor’s (a woman) office puts it on every year to benefit the women’s shelter in the town, and after you cross the finish line you get a mug of hot chocolate.

  93. Ack! StellaNorte that is all kinds of fucked up! Plenty of elderly people have odd eating habits accumulated over a lifetime. There’s no reason whatsoever for anyone to assume that your grandfather is eating things because you made him do so.

    I shudder to think if I’d been the one to bring my grandfather his daily Frosty, instead of my smaller, thinner mother. She endured enough scolding from the staff about it, because it was bad for his long-term health. Grandpa was in his late eighties, generally mediocre health, and with swiss-cheese brain (Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, and multiple strokes) – he spent most of his time thinking he was in the Chicago train station, and barely recognizing anyone. The 10-15 minutes of actual happiness eating a Frosty gave him each day was worth the possibility of a heart attack in 20 years.

  94. “Frankly, Lesley, from what you report, I think he just hates chocolate. He probably went to med school just so he could claim the authority to tell us all the reasons why chocolate is evil.

    ;-)”

    maybe he’s willy wonka’s dad’s evil EVIL twin.

  95. He shot a chocolate bunny in Reno, just to watch him die.

    OK, Lu, if, to be topical, I were drinking hot chocolate, it would be coming out of my nose right now.

    On Reece’s…the Cups (although not the caramel ones or the white ones, which, heretic that I am, I do find rather nommy) and the Pieces are available in the UK. But not the eggs. I have to rely on American friends for the eggs.

    (Slightly curious, as a Brit, to find on being in the US at Easter ’07 that all your small choccy egg confections are flat. Is it a packaging thing? Although, no way was that as weird as encountering Peeps for the first time, I still haven’t gotten over those…)

  96. Hey, guess what? I actually DO eat way too much chocolate every day (last time I calculated, just because a friend freaked out about how much I was eating, it was roughly 600-800 calories worth daily). And here’s the kicker – I’m not fat. My BMI is “normal”, I wear a size 6-8 depending on brand and time of month, etc. Gee, you think genetics might have something to do with that? Because according to the bunsen burner theory I should steadily be gaining weight, and I’m not. My entire family eats a ton of chocolate (hello British sweet tooth), and they’re mostly kind of average sized – maybe a little chubby, but not OMG OBESITY EPIDEMIC fat. The only one who’s very fat is the one who doesn’t eat much chocolate, because she prefers salty things to sweet. Oh, I guess my granny is technically fat but, you know, she’s 74? And just about the healthiest older person I know? Skinny granny died of emphysema.

    BTW, fellow Brits, what the hell is going on in Scotland lately? Seems like every time I hear about some nutter trying to sell stuff like this he’s Scottish. Has every doctor/medical type person in my homeland lost their marbles sometime in the last 10 years?

  97. Slightly curious, as a Brit, to find on being in the US at Easter ‘07 that all your small choccy egg confections are flat.

    Nah! Not all of them. Reese’s eggs are, and probably Russel Stover eggs (have not et them, packaging looks flattened). But not mini-eggs or Cum Grenades.

  98. Also random chocolate-related question – does anyone know if it’s safe to eat peanut butter cups again yet? Because I haven’t checked on the story about the problematic peanut butter plant in a while, but dammit I miss my Trader Joe’s peanut butter cups.

  99. Just an FYI: You imagine that the large Reese’s bunnies will be the same perfect chocolate-to-peanut butter ratio as the eggs, but THEY ARE NOT. The chocolate on the back of the bunny is thick, which ruins the whole experience.

    Once I got a telegram. It had no STOPs.

  100. Oh, no wonder I haven’t heard of it… Bel Air is pretty far. Not so far that I won’t go next year. :) Thanks!

  101. LOL@ Bald Soprano. You know, I bet he is one of THOSE Walkers, and is secretely hoping that if he scared people into giving up chocolate his share of the profits from the family business will go up and he’ll be able to give up his day job, because medicine is just too much like hard work.

  102. Clarify something for me? Are we talking Reeses eggs as in the pb cup shaped like an egg (delish!) or the little foil wrapped things?

    I rather like this idea of chocolate=werewolf. And the inverse relationship – the darker chocolate you eat, the more noble a werewolf you will be. Then someone like me, who has been known to scarf semisweet chocolate chips right from the bag could be a morally ambiguous person with the capacity to go either good or evil depending on the company I keep.

    DRST

  103. When I was a teenager I would, two or three times a week, eat an entire 200g block of chocolate, approximately 1000 calories. Which would have brought my total daily intake up to about 1800. :P I was allowed one piece of toast for breakfast, a small sandwich for lunch and a small serving of whatever was for dinner. I begged borrowed and stole money to buy that chocolate and I ate it at school where my parents wouldn’t see. I think that chocolate helped me survive. I was doing swimming, cycling and netball…and 800 calories a day for a growing teenager isn’t enough. But I was fat, so obviously 800 was TOO MUCH.

    Anyway, once I moved out of home and realised I could eat proper meals, my chocolate intake went down to about one 50g bar a week. These days I save my chocolate budget for getting six truffles ($12!!!!) from Koko Black on payday (once a fortnight). OMG they are delicious.

  104. I read dark chocolate is the best for you. It has the most antioxidants. I love the taste of dark chocolate anyway more than milk chocolate.

  105. Bree: It was March 9th. I didn’t go this year, but I’ve been a couple of times and what can I say, it was delicious! The chocolate fountain is one of the main attractions. You can also get samples of ice cream, truffles, chocolate covered strawberries, hot fudge…and snowballs!

    WHAT THE HELL. I’m going to be in Bel Air NEXT WEEKEND. They couldn’t have waited for me? *cries chocolate tears*

  106. I just went out and bought the little Reese’s eggs, just…because…I…can. Mwahahah. I’m not even going to eat them. I’m just going to look at them.

    OK, and then I’m going to eat them.

  107. The ratio of peanut-butter-to-chocolate in the Reese’s Christmas Trees is also not ideal. There is far too much peanut butter in relation to the chocolate. Sort of the opposite problem of the cups, which have too much chocolate in relation to the peanut butter.

    I do agree that the Reese’s Eggs are their most perfect balance of peanut butter and chocolate.

  108. Lu, I’m both too young and too foreign to have heard of REAL CHOCOLATE BABIES. But surely today in the 21st century we can figure out a way of making the things taste of real babies? And bigger. Much much bigger, because those little guys wouldn’t last any of us two minutes. We need full-size chocolate babies made with Real Fresh Babies. Come on, fat industry, we’re waiting.

  109. But fillyjonk, ALL fat people DO have eating disorders! Because all fat people used to be thin people, then they ate too much (usually compulsively or because they are too stupid or understand that calories in=calories out).

    Thin people with big appetites though, just love food, ‘eat whatever they want’ because they are ‘naturally thin’ (hmm.. if there are naturally thin people, do you think maybe, there might be naturally fat people?), or ‘eat like pigs’, haha, it’s funny because they’re not ACTUALLY pigs (fat people are the real pigs!)

  110. interviewer actually interrupts him to ask, “Chocolate can make you depressed?”

    Walker responds: “YES! I think that…. when you become chronically obese that potentially might affect body and self image, which can lead to DEPRESSION!”

    For some reason, this makes me think of that old SCTV bit about the “National Midnight Star” tabloid news show, where one of the segments is, “Doctors say your underwear can kill you!” and then John Candy comes on in his lab coat and says something like, “Yes, it’s true! People buy underwear that’s a few sizes too small, and eventually it chokes off their oxygen and they can’t breathe anymore and…they die!”

    Maybe it’s cos I can picture this doctor saying exactly that.

    Also, has there ever been a “chocolate-drunk driver” accident? I thought that was the reason we cared so much whether other people we didn’t know were drinking too much — not because it was Bad For Their Health, but because they might kill someone else with their cars.

    There’s only two reasons someone would eat the equivalent of five packs of M&M’s every single day: 1) they have a legitimate binge eating disorder, in which case if years of public shaming for being fat was going to get them to stop, it would have damn well worked already; and 2) they spent years of their lives thinking they couldn’t go near M&M’s and they are in that “refeeding period” where it’s all they want to eat, in which case it will wear off eventually.

    And can I tell you again just how much I hate medical practitioners who assume they know what your habits are, without ever actually asking you? I am SO glad my current doctors don’t do that.

  111. Cum grenades. Holy god. I will never be able to think of anything else when I eat one ever again.

    StellaNorte, I’m so sorry that happened to you. The other commenters are right… she really had to go out of her fucking way to find a way to insult you in that instance. That was outrageously rude and inappropriate. It’s making my head throb to think about how you must have felt.

    Also, in general, I am tired of older people (well, really, any people, but older people are often the ones who are lectured like bad children) being harangued about what they eat. Grown-ups can make their own food choices.

  112. HA HA HA HA HA CUM GRENADES!! omg I’m crying here… Even if I hated this blog it would have been worth spending a year here just for that.

    I actually like the choc-to-pb ratio of the Reese’s cups. When I was a kid, they used to sell candy in the waiting area of the music school where I took piano lessons. I would buy a pack of Reese’s peanut butter cups, carefully punch out the circular peanut-buttery middles, eat them, put the remaining chocolate rims up to my eyes like eyeglass frames, amuse the other kids, and then eat them. (The chocolate rims, not the other kids.) All very thoughtful and mindful and deliberate, see? Not mindless gobbling, so Dr. Walker can suck it.

  113. More re: cum grenades: You know, I always used to think the filling of the Cadbury Creme Eggs was cloying and gross and nearly inedible. I’d even scrape it out and throw it away and eat the chocolate shell. But now thanks to fillyjonk I find myself thinking, “Ah, if only…”

  114. Ohhhh Stella Norte you gave me an excellent prompt for my FAVORITE quote from Grumpy Old Men from Grandpa Gustafson:

    “Well let me tell you something now, Johnny. Last Thursday, I turned 95 years old. And I never exercised a day in my life. Every morning, I wake up, and I smoke a cigarette. And then I eat five strips of bacon. And for lunch, I eat a bacon sandwich. And for a midday snack? Bacon! A whole damn plate! And I usually drink my dinner. Now according to all of them flat-belly experts, I should’ve took a dirt nap like thirty years ago. But each year comes and goes, and I’m still here. Ha! And they keep dyin’. You know? Sometimes I wonder if God forgot about me. Just goes to show you, huh? ”

    You should send that to Nurse Ratched.

  115. And can I tell you again just how much I hate medical practitioners who assume they know what your habits are, without ever actually asking you? I am SO glad my current doctors don’t do that.

    My chiro did that to me — said, “You need to stop eating so much sugar.”

    I said, “I don’t eat that much dessert.”

    He then did that kinesthetic thing that asks your body what’s going on (he believes in it) and, unsurprisingly, my body told him that I DON’T EAT TOO MANY FOODS WITH REFINED SUGAR IN THEM.

    Incidentally, this was a few days after Xmas, and I was still nomming on leftovers. So apparently I’m supposed to eat a certain amount of these things.

    Also, I haven’t been back.

  116. I’d like to point out that I eat almost entire meals made out of chocolate, and I weigh 120 pounds. Chocolate does not equal fat people. Usually it just equals happy people.

    I had no idea there was a chocolate festival. I think I may have found Heaven.

  117. lolololol. Yes, those who scarf white chocolate would definitely turn into evil werewolves (it does kind of look like the full moon, after all), while milk chocolate makes moderately evil werewolves (sometimes benevolent, but become evil when provoked) and dark chocolate turns you into a “Remus Lupin on wolfsbane potion” type.

  118. P.S. If I ever get married, my cake will not be a cake. It will be tiers of CHOCOLATE GLAZED BABY DONUTS.

  119. The Bald Soprano, on March 12th, 2009 at 5:01 pm Said:

    valerie: I’ve been living in Germany for nearly two and a half years. They Don’t Have Them Here. Or Cadbury eggs, either normal or mini. It’s a tragedy, I know.

    I wouldn’t at all mind a care package :D

    In all seriousness, I would totally do a care package exchange with you. I’ll send you a box of yummy American Easter candies, if you send one for my husband with some Kinder Eggs and maybe some Spezi (I think that’s how it’s spelled, the orange cola stuff.) Hubs grew up in Germany, and apparently, he misses those things badly enough to talk about them all the time.

    International candy exchange FTW!

  120. damnit all! i’m out of chocolate and have *been* out of chocolate for over a week. :(

    i’d consider myself a chocoholic, but i can’t imagine scarfing down an entire BAG of chocolate in one sitting. maybe half a bag, but that’s pretty rare. and as you’ve mentioned in past posts, EVERYONE does stuff like that once in a while.

    *sigh*

    i really, really wish i had some hershey’s bliss now. (i’m a cheap date!)

  121. I may have eaten 225g of chocolate in one day several times throughout the course of my life. Sometimes I also eat ~100g of chocolate every other day. And I hate dark chocolate. BUT I WILL NOT APOLOGISE!! (Just for the record, it never made me fat. Unless, of course, you choose to believe in the existence of a delayed fat-making effect that curiously kicked in just when I was pregnant. Ahem.)

    Also, LOL @ this:

    Yes, those who scarf white chocolate would definitely turn into evil werewolves (it does kind of look like the full moon, after all), while milk chocolate makes moderately evil werewolves (sometimes benevolent, but become evil when provoked) and dark chocolate turns you into a “Remus Lupin on wolfsbane potion” type.

  122. A Sarah: I proposed a tax on irritating stuff, to be defined by the irritatee. I think it has potential.

    ARRIVING TWELVE O’CLOCK TRAIN WITH HONORIA REQUIRE LUNCH AUNT AGATHA

    She’s who I think when I think of telegrams.

  123. Hey, La-di-da, have you been to All Things Chocolate in Kingston? I think their choc is actually better than Koko Black’s. I find KB a bit too waxy. Bruno’s is awesome, too, though a touch too sweet. The Kingston lady wins.

    I have the remnant of a 200g block of choc in the pantry. I bought it 3 weeks ago, and there’s about half left.

  124. Chocolate is good for you. If I eat chocolate, your life is better. Trust me on this. The world doesn’t want me chocolate-free.

    – Love from a thin person with PMS.

  125. I like chocolate. Sometimes I love chocolate. Most days I can live with or without chocolate.
    But only very occasionally do I want tremendous amounts of it. Some things (hello, raspberries) are different.
    But I think the good doc is neglecting the Very Important Overlooked Nutrient that was helpfully pointed out to me by my officemate today.
    I’ve been crunching fennel seeds because it helps me with my nausea and I like the taste.
    BUT! Did I know that seeds are like nuts, and nuts have fat, and I could! be! consuming! SEKRIT CALORIES?
    Fennel seeds. How many of us snarf down up to an ounce every time we’re getting over food poisoning, without even thinking twice?

  126. Yonah, I agree with you 100%, those chocolate babies are too small. But Ampleproportions, I would want to see Chocolate Baby candies on top of the wedding cake made of real chocolate babies.

  127. slythwolf, not if you’re fat. If you’re fat, all you need to survive is fresh vegetables. Otherwise you’re just indulging yourself. And everyone knows that fat people never eat vegetables. It’s like kryptonite.

    (I hope it’s clear I’m being sarcastic.)

  128. Hey, is anyone else here a fan of Wilbur buds? They’re kind of like Hershey kisses only so very very very much better, and lacking the ubiquity.

  129. You know what I saw once? A chocolate Monopoly game. That is, a regular Monopoly game, only the board and the pieces and the houses and hotels and even the money were all made out of chocolate. Can you imagine?

  130. @Lu: Exactly. If you’re fat you have fat stores and lots and lots of blood sugar. And the fat and sugar in question work *precisely* like the fat and sugar in food. That’s why fat people don’t NEED to eat fatty and sugary things like chocolate: they clearly already have eaten them. To see someone enjoying chocolate while fat, is to see someone eating chocolate that should have been eaten by a thin person (as a special dainty sexxay indulgence, just after and just before working out).

    In fact, when you get right down to it, all fat people are just thin people with Someone Else’s Rightful Treats lurking, chewed but otherwise pretty much unadulterated, right underneath the skin. Also, giraffes get long necks from stretching them to eat the highest foliage, and worms are spontaneously generated when bits of horsehair fall into stagnant water.

    (I’m also being sarcastic. Did it show?)

  131. BUT! Did I know that seeds are like nuts, and nuts have fat, and I could! be! consuming! SEKRIT CALORIES?

    Anita! Idea! Thank you!

    *gets to work on a song parody of “Secret Agent Man,” about secret calories*

  132. In fact, when you get right down to it, all fat people are just thin people with Someone Else’s Rightful Treats lurking, chewed but otherwise pretty much unadulterated, right underneath the skin.

    I love you.

  133. A Sarah, I’ve already got the chorus:

    Secret–Calories!
    Secret–Calories!
    Well, they’re giving you a fat body
    And-a terrible heart disease

  134. A Sarah, I have partaken in Wilbur Buds! I’ve even gone to their place in Lititz (are they still on strike??). But one thing I discovered is that some of their chocolate products use an ingredient that causes the bowling machine to fire up. Not a good thing when one needs to drive half way across pennsyltucky to get back home.

  135. btw – anyone who believes that eating just veggies is the best thing for you needs to be reminded of the “everything but sex in moderation” rule.

  136. Have I metioned lately how much I LOVE SHAPELY PROSE???? Thank you for keeping me sane.
    And Thanks Lu and Tapetum for your kind words.

    And just to let you know, my grandfather is still eating chocolate for breakfast and he is still happy and thin and non-diabetic, even though he does come in frequent contact with booga booga obese grand daughter me!!!!! Yup, thats right, still fat and still not a huge eater of chocolate…..though apparently I’m still fat and lazy and too stupid to be aware of how much fattening food I’m putting in my mouth

  137. In fact, when you get right down to it, all fat people are just thin people with Someone Else’s Rightful Treats lurking, chewed but otherwise pretty much unadulterated, right underneath the skin.

    This is simultaneously the funniest and most disturbing mental image I’ve run across this week. And now I know why I feel eyes watching me wherever I go – they’re just waiting for me to pop like a pinata and expel all the carefully horded treasures. Oh, hell, I think I have to go lie down now.

  138. Secret–Calories!
    Secret–Calories!
    Well, they’re giving you a fat body
    And-a terrible heart disease,

    *blows kisses* OMG, this is wonderful! I love it! And, it has the added benefit of having gotten Dan Hill’s “Sometimes When We Touch” out of my head. oh wait, crap.

    sauer kraut, I’d not heard of a Wilbur Bud strike! eep. That could explain why they weren’t available last time we went to the Amish/Mennonite grocery store.

  139. Dark chocolate is good for you, I think the study used 3oz. I’m totally addicted to Lindt 85% but I guess I’m not eating enough because I only eat 20g once or twice a day.

  140. I’ve been saying ever since I found out about the 3 oz. thing that dark chocolate is not candy, but medicine. What kind of cruel fiend would try to convince us not to take our medicine?

  141. The study said participants ate 3 oz. of dark chocolate a day.

    That’s an entire bar. I could eat that easily, but I have a taste for the good (expensive) stuff, so I limit myself to 1 oz. a day.

    They don’t have Cadbury Eggs? But they’re made by a British company. They’re in the EU! The British must be using Cadburry as some sort of diplomatic leverage. Or maybe this is a subtle punishment for the Blitzkrieg the Brits thought nobody would catch on to.

    I believe Cadbury’s was somewhat recently bought out by Hershey’s. I vaguely remember hearing something about other European countries snubbing Cadbury’s because it’s not “real” chocolate — doesn’t fit the strict definition as to what they deem real chocolate and thus can’t be labeled as such. I don’t know if that’s an explanation for why Cadbury’s can’t be found in Germany.

  142. Could you imagine going to a doctor who is so convinced that everyone else’s body is just like his? Oh, well, I eat 100 calories’ worth of chocolate a day and weigh 150, so it must be that a 300 lb person is eating THOUSANDS OF CALORIES OF CHOCOLATE!

    Patient: Dr. Walker, my hand hurts.
    Dr Walker (waggles fingers): No it doesn’t! Stop complaining!

  143. I don’t think Dr Walker is a real looking-after-poorly-people doctor. I think he might have been given a PhD by whatever institution he attended to make him go away and leave them alone to eat their chocolate, and that’s why he is so frightened of people eating chocolate- it brings back too many sad memories…

    I bet he was the kid at school who got beaten up by the other kids for being a tell-tale- ” Miss, miss, Jimmy and Morag are eating chocolate!”.

    What a tit!

  144. Ahhhhhhhrrrrrrrggggg I just looked at the description of the chocolate bar I bought the other day, which I thought was safe because, you know, it’s a fancy looking dark chocolate bar and I had already checked the ingredients. I thought it was unusual that it listed “cactus” as an ingredient, but they’re always putting random stuff into chocolate to make it snobbier, so I figured that’s what was going on. I was even a little curious about how unspecified “cactus” might taste.

    But no! We can’t let the chocolate make people fat!! The “real secret [of this chocolate bar] is NeOpuntia, a natural cactus extract rich in fiber and known to reduce the intake of calories. Indulge!” WTF??? I bought this already, so I’ll eat it, but I sure as hell hope it does NOT reduce my caloric intake in general today. That will just make me even hungrier all the time. I NEED CALORIES, FOOD COMPANIES. PLEASE LET ME HAVE THEM.

  145. Jeanne Calment, verified longest-lived person (she died at 122 and a half years of age), attributed her longevity to “garlic, vegetables, cigarettes, red wine…and nearly 2 pounds of chocolate eaten every week”. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Dr. McChocoHysteric!

  146. I vaguely remember hearing something about other European countries snubbing Cadbury’s because it’s not “real” chocolate — doesn’t fit the strict definition as to what they deem real chocolate and thus can’t be labeled as such. I don’t know if that’s an explanation for why Cadbury’s can’t be found in Germany.

    Whee! Chocolate: stuff I know some vague shit about.

    Most UK chocolate (including I think Cadbury’s) contains too much milk, sugar and vegetable fat (and, I would contend, DELICIOUS) to constitute “chocolate” under EU law. I think it has to be sold as “family confectionery” or something and it gets extra taxes/tariffs/something economic. Plus German chocolate is great. Hom nom nom.

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