This. I know, for various reasons, my ability to enjoy things is kinda broken. Or rather, I’m still trying to break my self-preservation measure of stuffing any recognised feeling of enjoyment deep into obscurity. And part of it’s about breaking down the idea that I don’t deserve to have things that I want.

There’s also the other issue of what longevity means in my family: I have at least a 50% chance of spending my declining years in senility (both grandmothers were senile when they died). I live largely inside my own head, so the notion of not being at home there scares me witless. Again, another reason not to be too keen on adding extra years to my life, if it’s not going to be, strictly speaking, *my* life at all.

Finally, one other thing which keeps me enjoying the life I have now, rather than saving up my enjoyment for “when I’m thin” or “when I’m retired” or “when I’m [insert conditional variable here]” – I figure finding enjoyment in life is a skill, just like so many other things. If you don’t do it often enough, you lose that skill, and become a miserable old coot who isn’t able to be pleased by anything. The world already has an oversupply of these. I don’t need to train to become another.

This is exactly what I’ve been thinking for, I don’t know, five years and never figured out how to say succintly.

(I totally don’t floss, though. For a while I thought up excuses, but it turns out I’m just kinda lazy.)

It’s funny, because we almost never eat dessert here–we’re usually full from dinner, and my husband and I aren’t big on eating late at night–but I’ve decided that I’m going to start doing desserts, as a way to improve our eating habits. (We eat out at sit-down restaurants about twice a year, maybe, so it’s more of an at-home issue for us.) I feel like it would help my son and any other kids we have to be healthier, more “competent” eaters as adults if they regularly have dessert. Many of the people I know with the healthiest attitudes about food grew up in homes where “bad” foods–cakes, ice cream, cookies, etc.–were eaten in moderation on a regular basis.

I have so many issues at work with this, because when I cook, I tend to cook very veg-heavy meals. It’s not because I’m trying to lose weight. it’s because meat doesn’t sit well with me, and the meals I prepare myself make me feel better. However, the number of comments I get about how good I am and how impressed people are drive me wild. It’s a stir-fry not the formula for cold fusion. For fuck’s sake.

For example, my bf and I don’t drink pop. In addition to trying to avoid sodium benzoate (gives bf migraines) and caffeine (gives me acid reflux), we just don’t like it. Water is just our beverage of choice, no big deal. We’ll order water in a restaurant and people sometimes look at us like, wtf? Or they’re all like, OMG UR DRINKING WATERS GOOD FOR YOU LOLZ. LIke we’re controlling our fat selves for a second today, but we normally drink…I dunno, sugar water? Or liquid cake? (Mmm. Cake.)

It’s annoying. Also, there was one time we were at a gathering, and our host offered bf some pie, and he said no thank you, because he just didn’t feel like having any. Our host was like, “Are you on a diet?” Bf was like, no, I just don’t feel like pie right now.

I mean, sweet juicy jesus, can’t a fat man turn down a piece of pie in this town?