Hurley is kind of hot

So when you guys get Kate’s book (you preordered it, right?), you will see in it a brief anecdote about a friend who married someone who she originally didn’t think was “her type” physically, because the longer she knew him the more her type turned out to be “someone just like him.” And that friend will be me. Up until I met Dan, pretty much every male I was attracted to was tall, thin, and long-haired. (And an asshole.) Actually, by the time I met him I’d broadened (ha) my tastes a bit to include slightly thicker guys, but I definitely didn’t imagine I could be interested in a fat guy.  And then, all of a sudden, I was.

Dan’s tallish and long-haired, but it wasn’t a case of “two outta three ain’t bad” (two outta four if you count “asshole”) — it was more that once we started dating, I realized that in fact fat men can be totally sexy. I didn’t make an exception for him — rather, he made me realize I’d been wrong the whole time. This is one of the many reasons I laugh every time a troll tells us that nobody will ever be attracted to a fat woman. I always think dude, did you even try? (Not that I want them to try, we’re well rid of them — but the point is, it’s true that nobody will ever be attracted to a fat woman when they’re spending all their time frothing about how nobody will ever be attracted to a fat woman, but people who can look beyond expectations and preconceptions often find there’s a whole world out there.)

Anyway, I say that all as a prelude to saying that Jorge Garcia of LOST has a blog (thanks Miss Conduct for pointing it out!), and now I totally have a crush on him. He’s so cute and so funny! I occasionally hear from readers who say “I’m trying to get down with FA, but I find that I can’t be attracted to fat folks without getting judgy, am I a hypocrite?” Of course you can’t force attraction, but you can broaden your mind and see what swims in. So if this sounds like you, and you are attracted to menfolk, here’s your assignment: go read Jorge’s blog. I’m thinking you will fall in love a little. (If it doesn’t sound like you, read it anyway; there are maybe a lot of poop jokes for some people’s tastes, but it’s reliably had me laughing out loud.)

68 thoughts on “Hurley is kind of hot

  1. He is so charming. I think that the way he’s dressed, coiffed, and made up on LOST takes away from his good looks–when I see him on a chat show rocking a suit or a sharp silk shirt, I think YUM.

  2. I was actually thinking how cute Hurley (ok, ok Jorge) was while watching LOST this week.

    I also had a type for a while which was pretty much 6ft and over. Oh youth, so fickle. Come to find out that a lot of my friends had this rule. That’s a lot of competition.

    My boyfriend of seven years is 5’7″ , has a small frame (think Brian Molko), a heart of gold, intelligent and a great sense of humor. I expanded my “physical list” and am supremely happy for doing so.

  3. You know one of the many things that is hot about fat dudes? Many of them have, because of, you know, extra work they’re doing, fucking monster leg muscles that are hott. Like, see this pic from Garcia’s blog?

    Uh huh. I could be that dog.

  4. Anyway, as I’ve said before, I think the whole “I can’t be attracted to fat/short/thin/whatever people” so silly. Not that people are required to be attracted to fatties, but seriously? I just can not limit myself to any one “type” of dude. So many of them, I want to bone.

  5. I never thought I’d be attracted to bald/balding men but my love of five years has had a receding hairline since about age 21 and I not only love him very much but I think every inch of him including his shiny scalp is dead sexy.

    Ideal mates can change when you’ren ot a close minded jerk. Not always, but I think more people would be surprised by what they could find attractive.

  6. My husband, when I first met him, was pretty much the opposite of my idea of what I wanted in a guy. Other than being tall, he was blondish when I liked dark, brown-eyed when I liked blue, couldn’t grow a beard to save his life, was going bald, and even when otherwise a rake, sported a bit of a pot-belly.

    I kind of dated him because he was nice and a good friend, without much physical attraction, until we’d been going out about a year, when one day *spung* the sudden realization that this dude was totally hot.

    Hasn’t faded either, not in 18 years of marriage.

  7. OK, I don’t even watch Lost (yet — Al and I are planning a big catch-up at some point) and had to Google Jorge Garcia when you told me you were writing this post, but I have to say, I love him forever just for this post.

  8. I have thought ample men were sexy for decades. Although now I am in a relationship with a thin guy! I think the bottom line is that for many of us, who the person is inside makes them sexy to us on the outside.

    But I also realize some people have strong physical preferences one way or another and there is nothing wrong with that. People who judge others preferences really bug me. It is not an exact analogy, (and no I am not comparing the totality of fat phobia to homophobia so just let that go before you even start) but it reminds me of those homophobics who say I just don’t see what they see in another man or woman. They don’t have to “get it” themselves. They just have to acknowledge that other people feel differently and live and let live.

  9. Kate, John and I just started lost (as in, we’re two discs in) and now I have to watch out for spoilers everywhere because everyone’s always talking about it! I recommend not watching it while the season premiere is working everybody up. :-)

  10. I really think this is an important subject. I’ve never EVER had a fat female friend (ooh, illiteration!) who would even consider the possibility that a fat man could be attractive. I think they thought it would be embarassing, like it would further emphasize their fatness–if they could snag a thin, conventionally attractive man, then people would think, “Maybe she’s not repulsive after all!” I guess it has to do with the whole “coming out as fat” thing.

    Personally, I have never been more attracted to someone than I am to my fat husband. Although, Kevin James is a close second. (He will always be the hottest fat celeb in my book. Sorry, Jorge.)

  11. Oooh, ooh. Can I throw my hat in for Grizz Chapman and Kevin Brown who play Grizz and Dot Com on 30 Rock? They are both gorgeous and seriously talented and funny. I seriously don’t know which man I’d choose if given the chance, so I’m gonna be a greedy wench and take both ;)

  12. They’re getting a little long in the tooth (I’m being ageist!) but back in the day, both John Goodman and Gerard Depardieu had it goin’ ON. Big boys, both, and that was absolutely immaterial to their hotness.

  13. Hi, Stefanie here from men_in_full. I really appreciate the shout-out above.

    I started watching LOST because I happened to see a picture of Jorge Garcia’s “Hurley” while googling around, looking for attractive pictures of fat guys. Thanks for the link to his blog – and that picture of his gams is *great.* (Sorry if that sounds “shallow” … LOL)

    I appreciate you speaking to the sexual attractiveness of fat men. The more the merrier! :grin:

  14. But I also realize some people have strong physical preferences one way or another and there is nothing wrong with that. People who judge others preferences really bug me.

    I totally agree with that (and said as much here), and for the record, I know Fillyjonk does, too. But I also think that in this culture, a strong preference for “not fat” is so expected, a lot of people never even consider whether it’s how they really feel or just what everyone tells them to feel. And that’s how you end up with this.

    As FJ noted, no one wants to encourage fat-haters to try dating fat people — and I wouldn’t encourage anyone to date someone they don’t feel attracted to. (Not seriously, anyway.) Marianne actually wrote a bit in the book about broadening your horizons and being less critical of people’s looks when you’re dating, and I toned it down a bit — because I think too many fat women, especially, settle for what they think they can get, not what turns them on. I don’t want to encourage that at all. But I do want to encourage people to think about A) where their preferences are coming from, and B) whether they might have genuine chemistry with people who don’t fit their physical ideal.

  15. omg I absolutely hear what you’re saying…I’ve been on the other side of it. My current boyfriend was one of those guys who was convinced that he was attracted to really skinny (size 0) women with flat chests. After a few weeks of dating, he totally changed his tune and is loving the boobs and the curves.

    Great post as usual. I love this blog!

  16. Oh my god, Jorge Garcia is adorable. He’s crafty! He’s not self conscious at all about posting pictures where he’s eating! I think I love him.

  17. My hottest fat celeb is probably Philip Seymour Hoffman, but he does not have a hilarious blog. That I know of.

    Penn Jillette was up there — Dan’s been called a dead ringer for him when he’s wearing a suit, though I think it’s mostly “fat ponytailed guy with glasses” — but he is rocking a weird beard lately.

    I think John Goodman is foxy but he apparently looks a lot like Dan’s scary dad so that dampens things a bit. Though he mostly looks (and acts) like DSD in Big Lebowski, and it’s not like I find him so charming in that movie. In Roseanne, though, I luff him.

    Oh, and Dan Aykroyd! Although to be fair I thought he was sexiest in Blues Brothers and he wasn’t fat then.

  18. I love Lost and adore Hurley. I did not know he blogged but now I will be a faithful reader for certain.

    About broadening horizons… when I first met my ex, I never thought he’d be the kind of man I’d find attractive. He was so, so small. One of those that could eat and eat and eat and not gain an ounce and I felt awkwardly self conscious with my ample ass around him. Which is totally on me because I didn’t think he’d find ME sexy at my size. I got over it rather quickly and as time moved on and I got to know this amazingly, smart, funny and altogether charming man, his smallness no longer bothered me and within a couple months he was not just handsome to me, but goddamn sexy; glasses, receding hairline and all.

    I’m ashamed of it for many reasons but part of my problem was that the man before him was very tall, muscular, dark skinned and supermodel hot so I found myself comparing the two. I had pegged myself as a woman that was attracted to that type of man and on a purely superficial basis, that is the build that I’m still most often attracted to but in the end it’s the heart and soul of a man that will win me over, especially if he can make me laugh. The physical body he comes in just does not matter.

  19. I just started a thread about dating fat men in the forum where I mentioned exactly this point. I’ve dated a lot of different men in my life but I’m ashamed to admit I always dismissed the fat guys. Lately that’s changed and though I haven’t met a guy I’m really falling for, I’ve had some really nice dates and I feel so open to the possibilities.

  20. My husband wasn’t my “type” but here I am, six years married, happy happy happy! Okay, maybe only happy happy. ;) I saw past the physical (tall, skinny, clean cut, geeky) and discovered he had all the attributes in a mate I was looking for.

    I have gained at least 30 pounds since we married and it doesn’t matter to him a lick. He loves me for my ME, not my body. Well, he does love the curves too, now that I think about it. He tells me this all the time and it is one of the reasons I love him so much.

  21. Should I be so bold as to do a little self promotion?

    My little blog (link above!) is dedicated to the beauty of big men. The majority of our readers are men but we do indeed have plenty of female readers. Everyone’s welcome!

  22. RE: m. leblanc

    OMG yes! I love big legs! I am attracted to many large men, particularly furry ones like Jorge but I also like some thin men, or some kind of average sized men. My tastes run the gambit, which I find to be an asset.

  23. OK I have dispensation to like John Goodman when he doesn’t have tinted glasses and a beard.

    Miss Conduct, I want to embroider that on a pillow.

  24. So when do you write an incisive and helpful guide for those of us fat girls who are a) not usually (I say usually because there are a couple of exceptions) attracted to attracted to fat men and b) feel pretty rotten about it? Especially since I’m married to a guy who — big surprise here, looking at his parents — has gotten fat, and that’s affected his sex appeal to me.

    Believe me, I WISH I were wired differently. I’m not. I have tried. And tried. And tried. And it just doesn’t do it for me.

    I like fat women just fine. *sigh* This sucks.

  25. Eh, I’m not into Hurley, but Chris Gauthier is damn hot. Maybe it’s because I’m the last human being on the planet who doesn’t like Lost.

    Of course, I’m attracted to funny & smart, and to curly hair so it’s never been that big of a deal if a guy was fat.

    On the other hand, if there’s a pear shaped woman near me, I have to remind myself not to stare. It’s not a problem I have for anyone under a size 16 or so. I don’t care what the rest of the world thinks, big girls in denim are soooo hot.

  26. I didn’t make an exception for him — rather, he made me realize I’d been wrong the whole time.

    this, to me, is such an important point. i know that for years as i struggled with my self-esteem and my singleness, i used to talk about looking for someone who would love/desire me “despite what i look like”. the flip side of that being, of course, that deep down inside i felt that anyone who did desire me was doing so “despite” rather than “because”. Meeting my partner (with whom i just celebrated a 5 year wedding anniversary and 9 years altogether) was revelatory because i realized he loved and wanted *me*. Not “despite” my size, but not “because” of it either — he just thought i was “hawt” and that was that. And he himself is a big Kevin-Smithian bundle of attractiveness too, which helps because i’ve always had a thing for big guys =)

  27. I really think that this is more a woman thing though. I have meet so many women who if a guy was charming, or funny, or a good person, or something, the guy would at least be given a chance. I really think that there are a lot less guys like that. I think that most guys could meet an awesome woman, and if she is not hot to him, it would not matter. *shrugs*

  28. Can you please remember that the book is not “Kate’s book”. It is “Kate and Marianne’s book”. Kate may been seen as the big cheese around certain areas of the Fatosphere but Marianne had a big hand in this book as well as deserves just as much credit as Kate does.

  29. I happened upon Shapely Prose through the article on Salon, and that was awesome enough, but now I know about Dispatches from the Island too! You ladies are great writers and I’m really psyched to pore through the archives.

  30. GH, it got eaten, along with a few from Sniper, Charlotte, and Piffle that I’ve freed (and some from long-ago trolls who don’t realize they’re now talking to Akismet’s belly, hee). Thanks for the heads-up… didn’t realize she’d gotten so voracious.

  31. I know that I have marveled here about Jorge and his blog before. He had another really good one recently about the ads on a page that was discussing LOST theories. Also, I have to say that I might love his girlfriend. She is a tiny bit of a thing who describes herself as being over the moon for him.

  32. RurouniQuatre, I don’t know if that’s totally true. I mean, it’s certainly the stereotype, and some people think they are supposed to act the way they’re told, so maybe a lot of (shallower) men are less willing to consider broadening their horizons. But I’ve known lots of men with flexible tastes. My last boyfriend had previously dated mostly fatter, taller, curvier women, and at first he wasn’t sure if he could be attracted to a skinny little thing like me… but he changed his mind after a little while.

  33. LilahCello, I think it was your link that got me reading his blog the first time around! And yes, he and his girlfriend together are pretty adorable. Her blog is pretty spunky, too!

  34. OMG! That guy looks just like my boyfriend!!!!!!

    Not to brag or anything.

    Obviously I have not watched a single episode of Lost or this would be less of a revelation.

  35. I love Jorge. So cute. I just went on a little bender reading his blog & then an interview at Maxim. I laughed many times at his blog, but not as much as this little snippet from the interview:

    Q: Have you found that chicks dig the belly?
    A: I have this thing with my girlfriend, who lives next door to me, where we’re lying in the bed, and I just kind of collapse on her. And I’m like, “Go ahead, see if you can get yourself free. You know, just in case something happens. You’ve got to go to safety. Three, two, one.” She’s like, “Get off me!” I have to make her struggle out. That’s our little drill.
    From http://www.maxim.com/articles/index.aspx?a_id=7045

  36. Back when I was a self-hating not-as-fatty and well indoctrinated into the mentality of Fat=OMG Worst Thing In All Creation, I was firmly NOT attracted to fat men. And I didn’t even think about it. I never said “ew” or anything like that, it was just some unwritten, unexplored, unexpressed rule I felt one had to follow. Fat people are ugly (I’m ugly), everyone knows that (everyone can see that… why are all these guys bugging me? they must think I’m easy because I’m so hideous).

    When I finally got the veil of pain and hate lifted off me (giant sigh of relief, angel chorus), suddenly I realized how very sexy, attractive, handsome, pretty, gorgeous, etc. people of ALL shapes and sizes and attributes can be. I’m still not attracted to everyone, and I have definite likes and dislikes. But I no longer eschew men who don’t fit a certain body type. And I rediscovered the simple loveliness that is fact all around me. I find beauty even in bodies I don’t necessarily want to imagine myself entwined with.

    I actually found, to my surprise, that one of my favorite body types on a man is one that is strong, but padded. A man whose soft flesh yields when he holds me, but underneath there is a hint of power and stability and support. There’s nothing quite so safe and warm and comforting as being in those big arms. It’s instinctively heart-pounding, and when I see a man that looks like that, I generally have to take up the arduous chore of trying to be discreet while blatantly checking him out. Especially if he has facial hair and/or long hair. I apparently am deeply attracted to guys who look like the Wild Man of the Woods.

    And actually, if he’d be in the woods, strumming a guitar and reciting poetry, I’d blithely run away with him…

    *We regret to inform you that this post cannot continue, as Sugar’s mind has been reported missing… it was seen leaving the building with a tall, dark, and heavy suspect police have identified as Imagination…*

  37. I agree, that man is very attractive. I am almost 40, and I’ve dated men who are much younger and MUCH older, skinny men and large men, tall and short, bald, disabled, jocks, and nerds. Doesn’t matter. The heart matters.

    And it goes both ways. At 140 pounds I had a lot of dates, and at 240 pounds I still had a lot of dates. I will admit the interest tapered off when I got over about 250 pounds, but I think it was more because of *my* attitude towards myself than looks.

    Hotness comes in all shapes and sizes.

  38. OMG – Nina, that’s a riot! Doesn’t sound like somebody who hates himself, either. I sure wouldn’t do that at just under 300# because I’m still working through a lot of stuff, you know? He seems like such a nice guy – well, through what I’ve read/heard of/from him.

  39. “Q: Have you found that chicks dig the belly?
    A: I have this thing with my girlfriend, who lives next door to me, where we’re lying in the bed, and I just kind of collapse on her. And I’m like, “Go ahead, see if you can get yourself free. You know, just in case something happens. You’ve got to go to safety. Three, two, one.” She’s like, “Get off me!” I have to make her struggle out. That’s our little drill.”

    Hm, I really hope Maxim made it clear that this was a truly mutually-negotiated game with consent in advance. Because I’ve had male so-called “friends” think it was OMGhilarious to pin me down while I objected (if I could breathe enough to), and it’s fucking threatening and scary.

  40. Me too, FJ! My type, as in the kind of guy that I notice in a crowd, is definitely skinny, definitely brunet, and preferably with long curly hair. I feel guilty about this, because I don’t at all think thin people are in principle “better” than fat people, and it’s even worse when I’m not at all thin myself. A frightening proportion of the men I’ve been strongly attracted to have been not just thin, but medically underweight, and I feel extra bad for being attracted to a symptom of health problems. (With women, I am less fixated on a particular type, but still have a thing for very thin, slightly boyish / gamine women.)

    Then this guy started expressing interest in me, and I was thinking, I like him a lot, but so much not my type (he’s also balding, rather than having long hair). And then the way he went about courting me was so positive that I thought, well, he deserves a chance, I don’t want to be superficial. (I didn’t find him repulsive, just no real spark.) When we went on a date, I found I strongly wanted to touch and cuddle him, but not in a very erotic way… until he kissed me, at which point, bam!

    I still have a bit of a type, but I’m noticing bigger men a lot more than I used. And I totally love being involved with someone who isn’t half my weight, someone I can wrestle with without fear of hurting him. Our relationship is incredibly physical; that Maxim quote made me smile. Lauredhel, yes, it absolutely is about midlly kinky playfulness with consent and negotiation in this case. I never thought I would enjoy that, but it turns out that I find it really hot when my boy can physically overpower me without exerting himself so much that it feels scary and uncontrolled. And I didn’t lose the cuddle-hunger when erotic feelings start to develop, so we just touch and snuggle all the time, yay.

    Also, however much I might be politically committed to FA, it has been a great experience to be with someone who actually positively likes my curves, not just prepared to overlook my flaws because he likes me a lot. (I’m not saying it’s impossible for thin guys to be attracted to fat women, just that I haven’t had that experience before.)

  41. Also, holy shit that got really long and confessional. Sorry. I just got carried away enthusing about how sexy my boy is, which I’m scared to do in my own space for fear of embarrassing him or drawing out the concern trolls.

  42. A frightening proportion of the men I’ve been strongly attracted to have been not just thin, but medically underweight, and I feel extra bad for being attracted to a symptom of health problems.

    By “medically underweight,” do you mean in the “underweight” BMI category? Because we think of those as pretty bullshit around here. Most people are in that category and are perfectly healthy, just like most people in the “overweight” and “obese” categories. (Unless you mean that they were all under their personal normal weights because they were all suffering from illnesses when you dated them, which would be sad!)

  43. I just want to chime in with the Dispatches from the Island love. That blog is fucking hysterical, and Jorge is one celebrity that I think it would actually be fun to hang out with. He seems very down to earth – AND he composts – AND he has a cute dog!

  44. Thanks, volcanista, I realized after I posted that I could have come across as assuming that extremely thin people are necessarily unhealthy. No, I’m talking situations where there was a pretty clear cause and effect between my crush being ill, and my crush being seriously underweight.

    A guy with chronic digestion problems who was pretty much permanently anaemic and undernourished, and frequently has to be hospitalized because of this. A guy who when I met him had recently lost loads of weight while going through a really stressful period in his life. (Actually he had problems with just this bullshit BMI stuff; even after he gained his weight back, his doctor was really concerned because he still fell into the underweight BMI band, but he eventually convinced the medical people that he’s just naturally a slight, small-boned Asian guy.) A woman who isn’t exactly anorexic but has a weird relationship with food and body image, and was over-exercising and under-eating when I met her. (I could mitigate it by saying that I was still attracted to them when they reached healthier – for them – weights, but they were definitely ill when I first noticed them.)

  45. I’ve, well, since 18, been attracted to a certain kind of guy, and, uh, it turned out that that was because of my husband . . . I met him when I was in my first year of college, and while we didn’t end up dating or anything for six years after that, I was sort of projecting my attraction to him on all sorts of other skinny, big-nosed men. (Oh, GIVE me Christopher Eccleston!) *sigh* So while I’ve generally been attracted to skinny men, at least I have an excuse. ;)

    But yeah, Jorge Garcia’s pretty hot. As are a lot of the other men mentioned. The blog’s great, too — I like seeing that he’s a human being, not a corporate entity.

    Also, I want worms. For my non-existent compost pile.

  46. This is bad in so many ways, but I really never found fat men attractive until I had a fat student in my freshman comp class who I happened to find quite attractive (in a completely-and-totally-ethical-and-above-board way). Then it was like this whole new range of options opened up, and I started to find fat men attractive in a way I hadn’t before. Not that it matters much, because I’m quite happily married, so any attraction is solely for my mental enjoyment.

    And, last Wednesday I was totally thinking that Hurley was kind of hot.

  47. I just started catching up with Lost (via Netflix). I’ve only watched the first 5 or so episodes, but Hurley is a helluva guy. What a great character. He’s already (I’m not giving away any big spoilers here, btw–at least I hope you don’t think it’s a spoiler) been thoughtlessly insulted for being fat, to which he responded by calling the person out on it, and then none-too-cheerfully (but stoically) responded to the person’s apology by saying, “I’m used to it.” When you’ve already seen that he’s a kind, helpful, funny character, it just makes your heart melt a little while increasing your respect for him.

  48. First off, I don’t think *anyone* needs to feel guilty about not finding fat guys sexually attractive. Everyone has different tastes. But I do think the point is interesting (and quite a few are making it here) that tastes can change over one’s life.

    Lu writes: I just started catching up with Lost (via Netflix). I’ve only watched the first 5 or so episodes, but Hurley is a helluva guy. What a great character…

    Oh, you have *so* much more Hurley love to look forward to. Grab the popcorn and the comfy side of the couch, because it’s a long ride. It’s a good idea to avoid spoilers if you can, because the episodes (IMO) work so much better as surprises.

    Also, you can watch LOST on the ABC web site in streaming video (minimal commercials.)

    The LOST gossip says that Jorge Garcia originally auditioned for the part of Sawyer (!!!), but was ruled out for that. However, the creators liked him so much that they apparently *tailored the role of Hurley for him.*

    OK, /fangirling.

    I really am glad to see more articles on fat men in and around the Fatosphere, too. :beams:

  49. Thanks for the encouragement, men_in_full. ;-) Also, Jorge Garcia has such a cute face. And let me hasten to add, I don’t mean that in a “but… if only he’d lose weight” kind of way. I just mean, “what a cute face!”

  50. @men_in_full, Jorge Garcia didn’t *specifically* audition for the role of Sawyer. When he went in, they didn’t quite have anything ready for him to read, so he read a Sawyer scene. But yes, they did tailor the role of Hurley just for him.

    I have a bit of a celeb-crush on him. He’s one of my boyfriends, along with Cary Elwes, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and David Krumholtz.

  51. Jorge Garcia originally auditioned for the part of Sawyer (!!!), but was ruled out for that.

    I honestly could NOT understand all the people who called Sawyer “hot” for the longest time – then I saw the actor on some celeb thing where he was being himself and about fell over. That actor is hot. Sawyer? Not so much. Hurley was a much more attractive human being in my book…

    I crushed on Hoss from Bonanza (pretty much a chunk) and Hannibal Heyes from Alias Smith and Jones (scrawn city) at about the same time; never had any problem with being attracted to heavy guys. However, I wasn’t willing to get serious about a heavy guy because I wanted to have kids and I didn’t want them to get a double whammy of hefty genes in this culture. *sigh*

    I dunno what to call that but I’m not proud of it.

  52. So when do you write an incisive and helpful guide for those of us fat girls who are a) not usually (I say usually because there are a couple of exceptions) attracted to attracted to fat men and b) feel pretty rotten about it? Especially since I’m married to a guy who — big surprise here, looking at his parents — has gotten fat, and that’s affected his sex appeal to me.

    I was thinking about this, and I’ve had the same thoughts about my husband at times. He’s not fat, but he’s certainly larger than he was when we were first together, and this has bothered me. It even bothered me after I realized that I do indeed find some fat men attractive. It was sort of a variation on that “Everybody else’s fat is fine, but mine is disgusting” thing; other men can be fat and hot, but not my husband.

    I think, though, that it really has more to do with me than him. If he gets fat (and, given his father, he will probably be kind of fat), then we’ll be a fat couple, and not a fat girl who is married to a not-fat guy. And I’d rather be a fat girl married to a not-fat guy, because that says something about me. I may be fat, but I’m still cool/attractive/sexy/desirable. If he’s fat, then we’re just two fat people, and there’s no elevated status in being married to a fat guy. Maybe then I’m not somehow better/cooler/sexier than every other fat woman out there.

    I’m sure this isn’t the case for most people not attracted to fat men. But, looking back on times when I have avoided relationships with people I told myself I just didn’t find attractive, it really had a lot less to do with my truly not finding them attractive and my wanting to reject the things that I felt like being with that person would say about me. I tend to think so much of attraction is more head stuff and social stuff than anything innate about us, and for me a lot of what has attracted me to people has been things that, ultimately, would reflect positively on me. Like I said, this has been my experience, and I’m not saying it’s true for everybody who doesn’t find fat guys attractive. But, I’m guessing that, if there wasn’t a social stigma to dating a fat person, and if there wasn’t a status that went along with dating somebody thin, then a lot more women would be attracted to fat men then currently are.

  53. looking back on times when I have avoided relationships with people I told myself I just didn’t find attractive, it really had a lot less to do with my truly not finding them attractive and my wanting to reject the things that I felt like being with that person would say about me. I tend to think so much of attraction is more head stuff and social stuff than anything innate about us, and for me a lot of what has attracted me to people has been things that, ultimately, would reflect positively on me

    So true. I also find that hubby is less attractive when I’m less happy with myself – he’s a part of me, in a sense, so when I despise myself I’ll despise him. Ack!

    Less symbolically and more annoyingly, I can find hubby less attractive when I’m mad with him but won’t admit it. :p Like he’s done something stupid or rude but it seems too petty for me to admit being bothered by it so I try to stuff it down but it comes out in my not finding him attractive.

  54. For a good long while I’d thought I had a type too. Tall. Lanky. Nerdy. Glasses. Then I met my current boyfriend, who is not only an absolutely amazing man, but also good looking (ok, understatement, think panties-wet hot). He’s also fat (gasp! you don’t say! hot and fat? it can’t be!).

    Like others, for a good long while I felt that if I dated a fat man it would say something about me, as though it were asserting my patheticness, my inability to be attractive. I realized, that by thinking that, was I buying into the same sort of thinking that keeps so many guys away from (gasp!) a woman with extra poundage (which is something I am). I realized that I was being a hypocrite and that it was just as unfair, so I stopped thinking it. All of a sudden, my guy prospects seemed to double. My fat guy friend was hot. I had an amazing sex dream about him. And I felt better about myself. I’m pretty sure as an end result of not being as critical of others, I started being less critical of myself.

    My boyfriend has started being encouraged by some of his doctors to lose weight. It breaks my heart, his rapid and unhealthy weight loss which was encouraged by his doctors before we met is actually what triggered his hypoglycemic episodes to begin with (something his doctors then scolded him for having).

    My boyfriend is an amazingly intelligent, supportive, humorous, loving and sexy man. He’s also fat. And I couldn’t love him any more or less if he were x# of lbs heavier or lighter.

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