Friday fluff: Cold snap edition

Y’all, it is so cold here I have no fluff. There are icicles on the inside of my house. Yesterday my rising breath froze as ice on my glasses. When we were in college, FJ and our friends and I came up with a scale of rating relative coldness, from most pleasant to least:

cold

fucking cold

motherfucking cold

butt-ass cold

I believe that, for the first time in my life, I need to add a category beyond butt-ass cold. So, here’s your extremely urgent fluff question: what is colder than butt-ass cold? I promise to start using the most delightful phrase immediately.

ETA: This is my kitchen window. The inside of my kitchen window.

jan-09-too-cold-to-function-041

182 thoughts on “Friday fluff: Cold snap edition

  1. Motherfucking freeze your butt-ass shut cold?
    Motherfucking bone creaking cold?
    Freeze the motherfucking breath in your lungs cold?
    “She’ll see it later, Clark. Her eyes are frozen” cold?
    I could go on all day. It’s fucking COLD.

  2. I don’t know what’s colder than that, but even down here in the sunny South it’s butt-ass cold, so try not to get frost-bite up there, will ya?
    ;-)

  3. I suppose the pattern would dictate “fucking butt-ass cold,” followed by “motherfucking butt-ass cold” and in extreme circumstances “butt-ass-butt-ass cold.”

  4. The next level should be “Fuck that. I’m staying home.”

    This would never work for seeing as how due to the total lack of insulation (and central heating) in my house it is often colder inside than outside. Luckily though I live in Texas.

    I am kind of partial to “Motherfucking freeze your butt-ass shut cold” though, just because the visual cracks my shit up.

  5. I like FJ’s system. I would say that here it is butt-ass, and in Chicago it has got to be at least fucking butt-ass cold.

    Icicles on the inside?? Your apartment has insane microclimates!

  6. Babylon 5 quote, showing my geekiness: “When I said my quarters were cold, I did not mean, ‘Oh, I think it’s a little chilly in here, perhaps I’ll throw a blanket on the bed.’ No, I said it was COLD, as in, ‘Oh, my left arm has snapped off like an icicle and shattered on the floor’! This is highly inappropriate!”

    So maybe after butt-ass cold comes “Oh, my left arm has snapped off like an icicle and shattered on the floor” cold.

    Or perhaps, “dogs frozen to hydrants cold”

  7. This morning as soon as I stepped outside it felt like rodents had leapt upon my face and were chewing my skin.

    This is colder than “freeze your nosehairs as soon as you take a breath” cold.

    (This was objectively -10 Fahrenheit with very little wind).

    (As in 10 Below Zero Fahrenheit.)

  8. I am personally fond of Portly Dyke’s “colder than a witches tit in a brass brassiere” cold. But it’s 80 degrees in L.A. so what the hell do I know. I don’t think I’ve ever been in weather below 28 degrees F.

  9. As an alternative to saying it’s “colder than a witch’s tit,” I sometimes say it’s “colder than a warlock’s cock,” but it hasn’t caught on.

  10. Colder than a witch’s tit in a brass bra.

    Though I do love KellyK’s suggestion, I would probably amend it to Highly Inappropriate Cold…and then let the cool kids in on the joke.

    BTW, KellyK, it’s been a while since I’ve seen B5, but would that have been a Londo line? It sounds like something Londo would say.

    (is a great big sci-fi geek and proud of it)

    And he fell with a very satisfying thump.

  11. I wouldn’t know, seeing as it’s been 85 degrees all week here in So-Cal. Ugh.

    (It’s not gloating if I hate the heat, is it?)

  12. It’s cold enough to freeze the blubber off of a polar bear. Polarcticold, if you will.

    And Pegkitty? You made me spittake with that retort. BWAH!

  13. My mascara froze the other morning. On my eyelashes. It melted whenever I exhaled, then it would freeze again. Do you have any idea how weird that feels?

  14. My brain is frozen so I can’t think of one, however, this:
    “Ann Coulter cold?”, made me snort like a lil piggy.

    Thanks for that. :-)

  15. Amputate my hand because I had to take off my mitten to zip my coat cold?
    Death from exposure cold? (Because its true)
    My face looks like raw hamburger from windburn cold?
    Kids in my high school used “cold as balls”. But I have also heard “hot as balls”.
    I go with “paralyzing cold” myself, because once I step outside I lose the ability to move, think, or function beyond getting someplace which is not outside.

  16. The insides of my double-pane windows are covered in a layer of ice, and it’s quickly becoming irrelevant whether I state the temperature in farenheit or celsius.

    Soooo….Ottawa cold?

  17. I like Ann Coulter cold.

    I am also going with a “Unnecessarily Cold with a wind Chill of Fuck you”

    We have reached the level of cold where public transportation no longer operates at a normal level. Because what makes freezing your tits off waiting for the train even more fun is when the train is 25 minutes late, and full.

  18. I have to second frozen-nosehairs cold, with the addition of frozen breath-glasses cold.

    I don’t think I’ve ever experienced negative-degree (Fahrenheit) temps UNTIL THIS MORNING. I walk to work.

  19. JPlum, I’m sure those are very comfy nightdresses, butwhat about the rest of the song? Does it go:

    Nights in white flannel,
    And bed socks of wool,
    My hot water bottle
    Is exceedingly full
    But I’m still cold, yes I’m still cold
    Butt-ass coooold

  20. I propose Lewis Black’s “unable to complete a sentence in my own head” cold: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4zpgai0n0cI

    It’s 29° here in Georgia, which doesn’t sound bad if you’re used to cold weather, but we’re really, really not. Everyone outside has this look of pained incredulity on their faces.

  21. Yes, Unnecessary Cold. It certainly is unnecessarily cold here. Almost enough to make me miss “melt your fucking face hot” in August. Not quite, but almost.

  22. I checked my nipples. It is not colder a Witch’s tit. It’s exactly as cold.

    I say this all the time!

    I actually considered closing my bedroom window last night, which says a lot. I actually *like* the cold during winter. But even my Nordic blood is challenged by that fucking Artic breeze off Lake Michigan.

  23. sherunslunatic, I hear you. It’s 31 in Mississippi, and we’re losing our minds. People are wearing blankets. I guess because most of us don’t actually own warm coats.

  24. And I’m going to Minnesota today. *sob*

    Tell MN I said hello, and I’ll see it next month. When I’m sure it will be even balmier.

  25. On windy days, I’m prone to saying ‘I fail to see the point of this much wind’

    Easily adapted into ‘I fail to see the point of weather this cold’

  26. crotchbiting cold.

    For when it’s so cold youd’ be willing to bite your own crotch just to give yourself something else to think about. (Plus, the efforts necessary to negotiate getting into proper autocrotchbiting position might help warm you up for a little while).

    I live in LA. There’s something perverse and strange about having it be unseasonally hot here when the rest of the country is pushing (if not actually) subzero. My geosciences spouse is like, “yep, this is what global warming looks like”. Wee!

  27. i am a fan of the nipples-could-cut-diamonds cold as well as clothe yourself in a tauntaun cold (yay hoth jokes!) as well as references to it being as cold as or colder than the penal asteroid of rura penthe.

    yak fur tracksuit cold?

  28. My friends and I have what we call “hot noise” and “cold noise” to describe extreme temperatures.

    “Hot noise” is something like Homer Simpson’s donut noise crossed with a panting dog.

    “Cold noise” is a high-pitched whimper/moan, which I always imagined as the sound the allegorical which makes when she slides her titties into that freezing brass bra on a winter morning.

    Hot noise and cold noise are useful both for expressing disgust at unreasonable temperatures and as a coping strategy.

    Another cold coping strategy I use is “playing Lord of the Rings.” Instead of walking to the bus stop, pretend you are scaling the peak of Caradhras on an epic quest. Needless to say, this works better if you have a group (a “fellowship” if you will) of other travelers. Don’t forget to sing the theme music. It’s gotten me through many a vicious Chicago winter.

  29. I think after it gets below “butt-ass cold” you probably just start saying the actual temperature with an incredulous voice. Like “It’s SEVENTEEN BELOW BEFORE WINDCHILL?!?!”

    Which is the actual temperature here as I type this. I’m in Madison, WI. Right now my son’s school is closed for the second day in a row due to windchills between 28 and 38 below. Yuck.

  30. “Pacific Tech smart people on ice cold.”

    BWAH!

    “We plan this thing for weeks and all they want to do is study. I’m disgusted. I’m sorry but it’s not like me, I’m depressed. There was what, no one at the mutant hamster races, we only had one entry into the Madame Curie look-alike contest – and he was disqualified later. Why do I bother?”

  31. I call this “bone-snapping cold” because I really do feel like my bones will snap.

    On days like today (here in Boston, high temp is expected to be 6 Fahrenheit) I wonder how people can live in Minnesota/Nebraska/Alaska/Yukon/Nunavut/Greenland where this shit is relatively ordinary.

  32. also, when temperatures get this bad i can’t help but think about Robert Munsch! 50 Below Zero is a must own children’s classic for everyone in cold climates!

    in winnipeg it has been hovering around -30 celsius (-22 fahrenheit) for the last two weeks or so.

  33. Paris Hilton would rather stay inside than attend the opening of a new nightclub cold

    Fred Phelps approves of gay marriage cold

    MeMe Roth cold

    Open your mouth and your teeth freeze and shatter inside your mouth cold

    And here in Northern Maryland, we’re not supposed to get out of the teens today. I’m looking forward to our heatwave next week of 34 degrees.

  34. It was -26 in MN on my way to work this morning. I didn’t factor in the wind. However, do not fear Kate Harding. Apparently, your presence in the state is going to warm things up above zero for the first time in four days.

    And, I like Abso-fucking-lute Zero Cold. Good one. But it wasn’t nearly -270C today.

  35. It’s actually above zero here today, which by comparison is great… but my apartment has trouble heating efficiently. The kitties and I are going to be all bundled up in a million layers in there tonight to try to watch BSG.

  36. The phrase I learned growing up for excessively cold, windy weather was ‘lazy.’ As in, ‘Too lazy to go around, so it goes straight through.’

  37. Oh come on, guys. I live in Alaska and just went through two weeks of -40 to -50 cold. You are just now getting the LEFTOVERS. -10 isn’t that bad at all.

    Once, the heat went out in my cabin and I woke up and it was 30 degrees indoors and I had to warm up my hands in the fridge.

    So cheer up. It could be worse.

  38. Actually, though it’s less amusing than the rest, I prefer “Normal January in Iowa” cold. It was regularly -15F with a windchill of -30. Especially at 5 am, when one had a walking newspaper delivery route in a small town with snowdrifts to climb over that were frequently taller than oneself.

  39. My part of the world is experiencing an unusual warm snap (As I understand it, it’s for exactly the same reason the rest of you are exceptionally cold)

    But my windows looked like that a week ago. And they looked like that for most of last winter.

    It doesn’t really have anything to do with the effectiveness of your heat. It has much more to do with the thickness of your windows. Usually this kind of thing happens on older single pane windows. They actually have next to no insulating power so they’ll be about as cold as the average between the indoor and outdoor temperatures. When that’s below freezing, all the humidity in your house will freeze on to them.

    Keep and eye on them when they melt. You might need to wipe up some melting water to keep it from running down your walls and causing water damage.

  40. I believe weather like this, in my own personal parlance goes like this:

    “I don’t usually get cold all that easily. If I’m cold, then IT’S COLD. Guess what? I’m cold.”

    *wry*

    C.

  41. Kate, you’re in luck.

    It’s supposed to get up into the 30s Sunday and Monday in Minneapolis.

    This morning, though, it was a bracing -22 when I was leaving for work. I refer to it as AAAGH JESUSFUCK GODDAMN cold. Or something similar, with more expletives.

  42. I walked out of the grocery store last night and it knocked the breath out of me cold. I quite literally panicked a few seconds before I got my lungs back up and running, it was 3F. I live in Oklahoma, we have crazy weather but 3F is a ridiculous temperature.

  43. “Fuckitall, where’s the whisky” cold….as in, my kid is out of school, can’t go out to play and is driving me up the wall, so fuck it all and give me a shot before I break something!

  44. I was out with friends in college and we were doing snow angels and I said something along the lines of: “It’s so cold! Fuck! My face is so cold!” Ever since, extreme cold has been referred to as fuck-my-face cold.

  45. To the moderators: I’m formerly keenwell and have posted comments here occasionally, but have since started a blog and hence changed my name. I see, however, that my gravatar looks slightly penile. It’s actually a brain! I am changing it pronto.

  46. I’m amazed by these temperatures you’re talking about! I’ve never even heard of such cold. When it was cold here (UK) and by cold I mean -2-3 celsius we sent a text to our landlord saying ‘Dear Andy, our olive oil has frozen. Please sort out the heating. Cheers.’

  47. I have always used a phrase as quoted by the one and only Elvis Presley: “It’s colder than a gravedigger’s dick.”

  48. Oh, dear. I grew up in an area where it routinely gets to -40 for weeks at a time. Fillyjonk’s picture just made me really homesick.

    Sigh.

  49. When it was cold here (UK) and by cold I mean -2-3 celsius

    Hahahahahahaha

    My converter tells me that -2ºC is 28.4ºF. Oh noes water might freeze!! Hee. :)

    Yeah, at 0ºF every proportional combination of water + table salt freezes. That’s why it’s the bottom of the scale. There is literally no point in salting on a day like today.

  50. what is colder than butt-ass cold?

    “Close the window when you get a second.”

    No really, it’s 11 degrees here and I have the window open. Mind you, it’s the only way I have to control the temperature inside the apartment, but still, I like the apartment to stay fairly chilly.

  51. Dick Cheney cold?

    “The temperature’s dropped like the economy” cold?

    “What the fucking fuck is this fucking nonsense?!?!?” cold?

    Ood Homeworld Cold? (since Star Wars, Star Trek and B5 geekery have been taken)

    “I’m glad my balls are already tucked up inside, so they don’t have to try to crawl back up in there” cold?

    …that last only works for women…

    Bast

  52. How about:

    It’s so cold, that Bill O’Reilly, Tucker Carlson, and Sean Hannity had a three-way to keep warm.

  53. Sweet Machine! Get yourself some of that plastic insulating sheeting over your windows!!! Not only will it help insulate your place, but it will stop ice from building up since the only air hitting the window pane is on the other side of the plastic.

  54. I went to school in upstate New York, where it’s not only cold in the winter, but damp and cold. One of my best friends there was from California, where he’d rarely experienced temperatures close to freezing, let alone anything close to lake effect snow.

    In his typically understated manner, he referred to much of the winter weather as “fucking brisk”.

    The other one we use is “booger-freezing cold”. When you breathe in and just feel all your snot freeze.

    I probably shouldn’t mention that here in CO we’re having temperatures that are slightly warmer than usual? Before pelting me with your icicles, we had temperatures like you’re describing just before Christmas when everyone else seemed to be just dandy.

  55. I love the lord of the rigns quest thing. I totally did that last night when I was walking home and could no longer feel my legs. I pretended I was on an epic quest to rescue adorable puppies from an evil sorceress. There was a lot of telling myself not to be a wuss. Who needs to feel their thighs anyway?

  56. On an unrelated note, has anyone else read the comments on the BFD post that’s linked in the Fatosphere feed? I am kind of freaking out about what feels to me like crazy pro-diet nonsense (which is especially ridiculous considering the post that the folks doing this are commenting in response to) and I am trying not to be all rantyface about it but I am afraid I am failing.

    HELP ME SOMEONE

  57. I think the technical term is “cold as holy fucking shit”, but I usually refer to it as “AIYAYAYAYAGAH! FRRR! GYAH!”

    I think it might be 20 degrees out on this fine sunny day. Might. Last night it was SIX.

  58. JupiterPluvius, that’s Big Fat Deal for you I’m afraid. I think Mo sees herself as “gateway FA,” meaning that she puts up with a lot of shit that we won’t stand for here. At least one of the commenters on that post stopped reading SP after she was asked to quit triggering people with her calorie talk. I fully support getting rantyface in general but it’s a different demographic and you’ll probably just end up spraining something.

  59. OK, then I’ll just leave it alone–I said my piece, and there it is. Perhaps for my future Sanity Watchers purposes I’ll just read the posts there and not the comments. ;)

  60. The level of cold here, though not quite as impressive as there, is to me just “eep”. As in you step outside and that’s the only sound you make before everything is too cold to function.

  61. It’s warm here down under….summertime. Am about to put my bathing suit on to go to the beach and lounge about eating sweet summer berries for lunch…

    I’m such a bitch. Sorry!

    Ok, not really. :D

  62. Whenever it gets so cold out that my car can’t even fully defrost my windshield during my twenty minute drive to work all I can think is “I bet Mom still has the fan in her window…”

    And I like the refer to this as “Dead Frozen Carcass Cold”.

    There is a story behind it. Years and years ago my Mother began the many year battle (it’s still going) of convincing my now-89-year-old Grandmother to move out of her ancient farmhouse. At least during the frigid winter months, since her furnace is becoming increasingly unreliable. My Grandmother got angry and yelled “Well why do you care if I live here anyway?!” and my Mother yelled back “Because I don’t want to come up here one day and find your dead frozen carcass in your bed!”

    So now it’s a longstanding joke in our family.

  63. I’m in North Texas. It’s 78 degrees one day and 30 the next.

    I just want N. Texas to pick a fucking season for a week.

  64. Jupiter, I stopped reading BFD because it’s a gateway to second-hand media for me and I don’t need the reminders of how the rest of the world sees me. I haven’t forgotten.

    Still, I did leave a freaking long comment to the entry you mentioned because it’s on theme with what I’ve been posting in my own blog lately.

    If BFD is the gateway, then I don’t mind providing a view of what can happen when someone walks through to the fat acceptance side of it.

    (The comment is actually a modified version of a post I wrote for my own blog and then decided not to post because I thought I could do better with the topic. Still, it works nicely as an informal comment.)

  65. OK, then I’ll just leave it alone–I said my piece, and there it is. Perhaps for my future Sanity Watchers purposes I’ll just read the posts there and not the comments. ;)

    I used up some sanity watchers points over there this morning too. I think I might attempt to adopt the same strategy (I say “attempt” because I have this serious problem involving reading comments no matter how terrible they are; using a google feed has reduced it but not eliminated it.)

  66. I dipped the moon in marmalade
    and sought to chill the sky
    (for I’m to host the star brigade,
    and thought I’d make a pie).
    But oh, I’ve turned the sun too fast,
    and now the ocean’s mushy!
    Instead of marmalade-of-moon,
    we’ll have saltwater slushies.

    …no, don’t really know what I was thinking there either. But apparently, it’s saltwater slushie cold.

    And I really love the word “marmalade,” btw.

    (in a nod to Edward Lear, all saltwater slushies are to be eaten with a runcible spoon)

  67. I love that in Alan Dean Foster’s Icerigger, which takes place on a frozen world, there is a port called Brass Monkey.

    Brass monkey cold? Witch titty cold? Or how about the very fine and traditional “fimbulwinter?” My husband is fond of saying “cold as Hela’s quim,” which never fails to amuse me.

    I’m kinda digging the suggestion of “warlock’s cock,” by the way. That is way fun.

    Our new house is situated just so, and has eaves of just such a pitch, that the wind now howls through them. I am insanely happy about this, as it’s incredibly atmospheric. I am not so fond of the freezingness. I am very glad our cats are indoor cats, and I feel very worried for all the people and animals that can’t get inside someplace warm.

  68. I just got home and my apartment is at 58º and falling. :( They just put in a new storm door for me, too! The kitchen addition is built on an old porch that they can’t insulate better from below without taking the whole thing apart, though, and the door is still a little drafty. And my ceilings are beautiful and over 10 feet high. Brrr. We still have 10 degrees to go to the low tonight, and I hope the temp starts holding soon!!

  69. You know it’s bad when you actually kinda wish it got that cold. Here in the Pacific NW, even at the 30s-low 40s we are the last few days, I’ve been wandering around in just long sleeved shirt. Love it cold. Love it. (But being from central Alaska, where it routinely got to 40 and 50 below when I was young, I sorta miss it.)

    Anyway… brain freeze cold? That covers both my weak attempt at humor and your condition!

  70. My dad says, “Colder than a brass toilet seat.”

    Those of you who have bathroom windows that resemble the one in Sweet Machine’s kitchen (as I do) and are the first ones to use the bathroom i nhte morning (as I am) will know exactly why I think that this one is a contender.

    My seat is plastic and I think I left some skin this morning.

    I’m also nominating, “Knitting a toilet seat cover cosy cold.”

  71. I wonder how people can live in Minnesota/Nebraska/Alaska/Yukon/Nunavut/Greenland where this shit is relatively ordinary.

    One of my most vivid memories is walking to and from school while wearing 2 pairs of socks, steel-toed Sorels, snow pants, a parka, huge gloves, a toque and a big scarf. It took about 20 minutes to get to school in the spring, but 30 in the winter becuase of the extra weight, the awkwardness, and the icy sidewalks. Nobody even tries to keep up with the shovelling in the Yukon. We had these pitiful little coathooks in the classrooms (designed by southerners, no doubt) and nothing stayed on. Every time I think of elementary school I think of teachers sorting through a huge pile of steamy, damp, clothes at the end of every winter day – winter being October through March.

  72. Jon Stewart called this kind of cold, “It’s not just cold. It’s God Why Have You Forsaken Us Cold.”

    I always think of that when it gets like this.

    DRST

  73. ecosconnie, it’s really only in the kitchen, which is unheated. The rest of the apartment is actually roasting because our radiators are TOO EFFECTIVE. I don’t know what temperature our landlords think we should be at, but it is too much, especially when you come back in wearing 12 layers of clothing. So yeah, the kitchen is quite chilly but every other room is sleep-inducingly warm.

  74. Yorke, you’re right, I’m along the Front Range, and I have to admit that in the winter, I’m glad to be! (Although the mountains and Western Slope have some of the most glorious scenery anywhere!)

  75. Mary Sue, I was totally on my way to mention the abortion donut story! Way to beat me to it.

    In other news, when a stronger blasphemy than “fucking” is needed, my friends and I like to say “Christing.” For extra strength the two can be combined. So I’d probably say the next level after butt-ass cold is fucking Christing cold.

  76. Darkover in winter cold.

    Topical LeGuin reference FTW! heh.

    actually, that’s Marion Zimmer Bradley, not Ursula Le Guin. But I like it!

  77. :::hangs head in shame:::

    I got my Left Hand of Darkness‘s planet of Winter mixed in there somehow.

    :::needs more liquor:::

  78. Whenever it gets too-cold-for-adjectives cold (has that one been tried?), I always think of this quote from Neil Gaiman’s American Gods: “This wasn’t cold; this was science fiction. This was the dark side of Mercury, back when they thought Mercury had a dark side.” so maybe science fiction cold?

  79. After 20-plus years in California, I’m not sure I’m capable any longer of recognizing distinctions between the various levels of “too fucking cold” (which, for me, starts a few degrees below freezing). However, if I were somehow forced to visit a cold climate right now, I’d probably describe it as “approaching absolute zero.”

  80. I always think of truly cold weather as “eyebrow-freezing cold” or “slurring words cold”. If your face is too stiff to carry on a conversation, don’t even bother.

  81. Dudes, not to rain on the parade, but I’m pretty sure the company had to turn back from Caradhras because it was cold as balls. Anyway, my folks recently moved from San Antonio, TX to Bozeman, MT and we have taken to calling anything below 5 or so “time to dig a snow grave.”

    Fun fact: it’s totally true that humidity and altitude make a difference. I left 20-degree NYC for 10-degree Bozeman and it really did feel balmy.

  82. Here in Portland, ME, it was -12 this morning with a windchill at -27. I am currently nursing a chest cold, but still walk everywhere- I left the house this morning and my drippy nose froze into septum-piercing icicles.

    It was officially, at that point, “Are you fucking kidding me?” cold.

    Also appropriate, because I live across from a restaurant, “I wish I could be that steak, on that grill” cold.

    I was in Riverside, CA last week, and it got down to about 40 F at night. I was running about in a t-shirt while everyone else in the house was bundled. There were people in SCARVES! In SoCal! It was hilarious.

  83. I call this kind of cold “poor-woman’s Botox” cold, as it leaves you completely unable to move your face. Maybe “as many layers as an onion” cold .

    On the bright side, my weather dude is saying that it’ll go up to about 22 degrees later this week! I’m so excited! (And I’m not being sarcastic, for reals. It’s That Cold here.)

  84. Ha! I love “time to dig a snow grave” as well as “unnecessarily cold with a wind chill of fuck you.” Oh, and the carcass one!

    All through this thread I’ve had to keep checking my converter so that I could understand what the fahrenheit temperatures really mean. You know, in actual modern day celsius! (=

    I have an American friend who had a poem to help her remember how celsius works:

    30 is hot
    20 is nice
    10 is cool
    0 is ice

    So true! We tried to come up with one to help me learn fahrenheit, but I can’t remember it at all.

  85. Oh, also, it hit -45 C here, -55 C with the windchill. (That’s -67 F for all you Americans!)

    BEAT THAT!

  86. Here in Maryland, it’s as cold as a penguin’s queef outside. That’s why I find it funny how in January, when winter starts to hunker down and whoop our collective asses, people want to start getting rid of the cheapest insulation around- fat. How much sense does that make? I think fat should be considered essential subdermal thermals.

  87. You guys are so funny… we had that through the last half of December and the world didn’t end. As someone else mentioned, watch the windows when the ice inside starts to melt though – we repainted this year because of the damage from last winter. I find a facecloth tucked in the corners works well :)

    (Am now going skiing in temperatures right around zero to -10 C :) :) )

  88. It’s so cold up here they closed the schools at noon on Wednesday.

    It’s now cold enough that my father can’t tell his “When I was Young” stories about the cold. But then, a few years back (I want to say 95) it was so cold that my eyelashes froze on my walk to uni, and I had ice on my glasses. It was cold enough that regularly people would pull over and offer those who were walking a ride to where ever they were going because they didn’t think anyone should be out in that weather.

    *shudder*

  89. OK, I’m going to officially apologize to Mother Nature for complaining about the cold. Last night, something went wrong with the boiler in my apt building, and it SRSLY got up to around 100 degrees (F) with the windows OPEN. Blah!

  90. Nose hair shattering cold

    Seriously, I think I shall use that phrase regardless of official Shapely Prose adoption.

  91. Dudes, I know it is not as cold today, but it’s still cold, and after surviving the night my heat is not creeping back up as fast as I want it to in my apartment! The oven cleaning got me two degrees, but once it was done it dropped right back down last night. And now my sink is suddenly completely clogged, so I’m worried the pipes are freezing!

    I want to be in the tropics!

  92. so cold your farts come out in little Simon Cowell-shaped chunks of methane ice?

    (also — volcanista, I just e-mailed you brazenly asking you to explain seismic things to me! Hope that’s not too presumptuous but I liked the Seattle job prospect very much, but am scared of earthquakes.)

  93. Our coldest rating, not that it gets below -5 degrees Celcius ever, is bollocks-freezing cold.

    Or, in short, ‘It’s bollocksing outside.’ :D

  94. Jenn told me about this thread on Friday night and I had to come check it out (hi Jenn!) – I vote “makes a vegetarian want to climb into a hollowed-out caribou” cold. But now it’s nearly 20 in Chicago, and compared to the last few days I want to put an umbrella in my drink!

  95. Here in Coastal TX it’s wavering between 30 and 70 F, so I will gladly dodge all the pointy icicles being thrown my way (since they’ll likely melt before they reach me).

    I will give all props to “I’m Alaskan-you-don’t-know-from-cold” cold survivors, since Houston freaks out at 25 and snowing. But I’ve also seen transplanted Alaskans freak out at the sighting of a tropical storm…and go completely bugshit when they hear the word “hurricane.” Score: even.

  96. I vote for “Ann Coulter cold”

    I’ve never seen ice on the inside of a window before this past week. Not that I wish this cold on anyone, but it’s oddly nice to know I’m not the only one whose windowsills will be dripping soon.

    Also, as a fun little tidbit, when I was a kid, my rating system for really cold was “snot freezing weather”
    haha

  97. “Emasculated-Monkeys Cold,” as in “cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.” Communicates degree of chilly and makes people wince. Score!

  98. “Instead of walking to the bus stop, pretend you are scaling the peak of Caradhras on an epic quest.”

    I’m so doing that next time I take the bus. Win!

  99. Susan, I totally get your point about Houston v. cold weather locations. My husband’s from Houston. He tells me about hurricanes and I wonder how people stand it year after year! At least one can predict the cold… you all can’t predict what those tropical storms will do. :p

  100. Ohh, I feel your pain. I transferred last year from a school in Maine to one in Maryland, but while I was in Maine, I did the following: winter camping, ice climbing, sleeping in a snow cave. I mean, it was fun at the time (I think–perhaps I am just straight up nuts–although frostbite was involved). But ugh being cold sucks.

    I propose: colder than the thermal opposite of my burning love for Aretha’s hat. I’m pretty sure that’s as cold as it gets.

  101. In Minnesota, it was “So cold they cancelled the ice fishing tournament” cold. Or as I like to say, bloody fucking cold.

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