Douchehound of the day: Whaddya mean, “feminist issue”?

We haven’t had a good douchehounding in a while, because trolls get real boring real fast — they’re rarely worth the effort. (Pointing and laughing takes a lot of muscle power, and everyone knows fatties hate exercise!) But the three of us are having a grand time kicking this one around, and we thought we’d let you join in the fun.

I forgot to take note of this fellow’s name before I booted him into the maw of Akismet (who, as I mentioned in comments, I envision as looking just like Ammit — it’s ancient monster week here at SP!), so we’ll just call him Schmucko. Schmucko here set himself apart from the rest of the pack because of his brutal honesty. Of course most trolls think they’re being forthright and brave, the only people willing to tell us straight out that we’re unhealthy and unattractive. But it’s always pretty clear that they’re externalizing something — misogyny, puritanism, fear of death, whatever. The thing is, one generally has to work at it to figure out what they’re really scared or angry about. Rarely is a troll so up-front as to say something like “I’m going to make your body my business because I fear women’s potential power and think they should be controlled.”

Not so Schmucko. Here’s his contribution to discussion on the perspective post:

Unlike your fat gut, manticores are imaginary. I stopped believing in Lord of the Rings creatures when I was 8. My fear that a woman with the legal power to take half of my possessions might some day become so fat and sexually unappealing that I’d sooner cut my own penis off than have sex with the manatee that used to be my wife is unfortunately all too common and blogs like this one that dangerously suggest to naive future fatties that it’s ok are only leading your victims down the primrose path to a battle they can’t win. Male attraction instincts are what they are. It’s no one’s fault except yours: lose weight.

No beating around the bush for our Schmucko! It’s not about health, or American overconsumption, or even about women’s general duty to be as attractive as possible. No, it’s about the fear that a woman might become unattractive to him, and that he might have already married her, and she might take his stuff. (Note the MRA-style fixation on keeping harpies’ claws off your hard-earned possessions — oh wait, you DO believe in mythical creatures! Just not in prenuptial agreements or mutual respect.) The very existence of fatness, the very existence specifically of women who are fat, and most terrifyingly the existence of women who are fat and don’t hate themselves for it, threaten not only Schmucko’s imaginary future wife but his property and also his penis. And naturally, he cannot imagine anything more frightening. His fear — he doesn’t even bother to pretend it’s righteous anger on behalf of our health or the health of the public — shouldn’t logically extend to fat men, or fat lesbians, or fat straight women who want nothing to do with his sorry ass. Yet so strong is his terror that his hypothetical wife’s body might lead him to self-castration and poverty that he feels the need to prate about it to three women who wouldn’t touch his cock with a pair of tongs. (Don’t worry, dude, you are in absolutely no danger of slicing off your junk out of horror at having to fuck anyone here. I just don’t see the opportunity arising.)

It’s so hard to pick a favorite, but I have to say I love the part where he assures us that “male attraction instincts are what they are.” No man could ever love a fatty, it’s as simple as that — even though he’s been talking about himself, his preferences, his belongings the whole time, and I have to doubt the “male instincts” of a guy who’d chop his cock off just to avoid having sex. And (here’s where it gets delightful) even though he’s been talking to three women who are all in long-term, committed relationships with men. (Granted only two of us are fat, but the fat ones are married — and yes, we were fat when we got that way, and yes, the husbands still have penises. Well, I’m only guessing about Al.) We’re supposed to believe not only that we should lose weight just in case Schmucko someday doesn’t want to fuck the woman he’s purported to love and she robs him blind — we’re also supposed to believe we should lose weight because every man is just like Schmucko and nobody could possibly have different preferences. It’s really a magnum opus of egomania. Suddenly we’re expected to launch into self-loathing and self-denial to protect this guy’s penis, his estate, and his comfortable conviction that he’s a model of masculine instinct. Yeah, I’ll get right on that.

Full marks, Schmucko, for having the balls — FOR NOW — to say what so many of your ilk are thinking: that what’s scary and threatening isn’t fat, but women you don’t control.

188 thoughts on “Douchehound of the day: Whaddya mean, “feminist issue”?

  1. Dear Shmucko,

    Your penis and your property are both entirely safe from me.

    I’m already married, you see, to a man who appreciates my body despite the fact that it weighs a hell of a lot more than it did when we met and who has never once tried to draw a line down the middle of our possessions. He loves my brains, my talents, my willingness to tell him what I really think even when it’s not particularly what he wants to hear…in short, he loves a PERSON, not a body part which might suddenly become unattractive to him if it changes slightly.

    Goes both ways. That’s why I didn’t castrate him and leave with half his stuff when he got that scar on his chest from having bypass surgery.

    In short, shallow in, shallow out.

    Get yourself a plastic fantastic lover, Shmucko. That way you can be certain she’ll never change one bit to challenge your self view.

  2. I totally agree that schmucko (and others) are afraid of women they don’t control, and it’s not only fat. I’ve traveled with “conventionally” beautiful women with a shaved head, or facial tattoos, or unshaved legs/pits, etc., and some men are very hostile just to their presence. They may not even look at normal me, but they say mean stuff, nasty looks, just really bad reactions.

  3. and yes, the husbands still have penises. Well, I’m only guessing about Al.

    Well, yeah, it’s only been two weeks. Ask me again in a couple of years. When I’m even fatter and plotting to TAKE HIS STUFF.

  4. In addition to the obvious egomania and douchiness, I just want to point to to Schmucko: there are no manticores in Lord of the Rings! Yeesh.

  5. Dear Sir – Some Helpful Advice:

    If you’re worried that someday the woman you marry will become fatter, older, or in any way different from how she was on the day you married her, perhaps you should try not getting married. It will protect your precious possessions and save everyone a lot of trouble.

  6. It will protect your precious possessions

    Not to mention whatever poor woman he could sucker into it.

  7. Huh. So is THAT what I did wrong in the first marriage? I was supposed to take his stuff and get fatter on him and instill in him an urge to remove his own genitalia? Huh. Well if I wasn’t very happy in my current marriage I’d get right on that. Oh wait, NOT. See, MY personal preferences DON’T GIVE A SHIT about YOUR personal preferences Shmucko? So stick THAT in your pipe and smoke it!

    As Twistie so eloquently and succinctly put it: “In short, shallow in, shallow out.”

  8. There aren’t any manticores in LOTR, right?. What, was he hoping his point of view would be valid if he had (fake) nerd cred?

    I have a solution to his problem so simple even he could think of it. Don’t get married, Schmucko, although I am sure it will be difficult; legions of women must be throwing themselves at you.

  9. Oh gods, I may die laughing. Or puking. Or both.

    I’m almost sorry I have to go to work. Because I’d love to dissect this with relishing, verbose, vitriolic gusto.

    But, I love my job. And I make my own money as opposed to stealing it from some poor unsuspecting penis-in-danger. So, I’m off.

    And the guy who told me just a few days ago, wait what were his words? I think “DAMN, VA-VA-VOOM.” (Don’t worry, it was a friend, not an uninvited weirdo looking to score). Yeah, I guess his “instincts” aren’t working the way Shmucko here says they should.

  10. …how wrong is it that when I read what Schmucko wrote, my first response was, “But-but-but there aren’t any manticores in LOTR!”?

    and yes, the husbands still have penises. Well, I’m only guessing about Al.
    *snerk*

    I love that assumption that all men have the same physical preferences. All I’d have to do is say, “I don’t find Angelina Jolie particularly attractive!” and his head would explode, ya think? Of course, I doubt that by his standards I’m a REAL MAN, but still.

  11. Julie, I like your statement about control. Could it be that men dislike “unconventional” beauty because it defies their control?
    Of course, hating fat is probably as “about” control as an eating disorder.
    Gawd I love food-for-thought when it’s not lowfat!

  12. What, was he hoping his point of view would be valid if he had (fake) nerd cred?

    I think he knows perfectly well that there are no manticores in LOTR (I didn’t, but I am a different kind of nerd). He just deliberately got it wrong so we will think he’s a strong manly fellow and won’t know that he spends all day in the back room at Wizards of the Coast EVEN THOUGH WIZARDS OF THE COAST IS CLOSED.

  13. Wow… My husband has been with me through extreme thinness and now my fatness, post-ED… I’m glad he didn’t want me to continue slowly killing myself so we could keep him from castrating himself. And how weird – now that I have the energy to work instead of sit around on an IV – I make TWICE what he does. The only logic here is that it’s only okay for me to be this godawfullyfat and abhorrent to male instincts because I’m in no danger of stealing his fucking stuff. Right?

    Oh Schmucko. Someone hurt you.

  14. I can’t even comprehend his sentence structure.

    But dear god, I can’t wait to get married so I can get fatter and take some guy’s stuff. HELLO THAR, LIFE GOALS.

  15. So…is this rant supposed to instill fear in people?”Oooooo I must loose weight because no guy will want me” hm….not so much, not working.

  16. Oh and also, Manatees are freaking awesome. I mean come ON. It’s a freaking vegetarian sea mammal that can swim 3-5 mph (20 mph in short bursts)! Their SLOWEST speed is faster than the fastest human. And I’m sure that would come in handy for them as they tried to escape the sexual wiles of Schmucko there who seems to have confused his imaginary wife for an aquatic critter…

  17. who seems to have confused his imaginary wife for an aquatic critter

    Maybe his wife actually turned into a manatee and that is where the confusion is coming from. A rapacious manatee who stole his shit. Are there selkies in LOTR?

  18. Wow. Just wow.

    Though I have to say that the people who believe that their preferences are the only preferences out there crack me up. Some people like it skinny. Some people like it fat. Some people like it all. Anyone who hasn’t learned this needs to do a couple of Google searches with the safesearch filter off — it’s the law of porn! If no one wanted to see it, you can be it wouldn’t be out there.

  19. You’d think the obvious solution to his oh-so-scary problem is marrying a woman who makes more money than him so he can take her shit instead. Oh wait, I forgot. No mere woman could ever have the earning potential of a man like Schmucko! What an outrageous suggestion!

  20. “Maybe his wife actually turned into a manatee and that is where the confusion is coming from. A rapacious manatee who stole his shit. Are there selkies in LOTR?”

    I love you, Fillyjonk!

  21. “EVEN THOUGH WIZARDS OF THE COAST IS CLOSED.”

    Is it?? As a devoted MtG fan, I seriously hope it isnt, and being as I live with my local clubs TO, he hasn’t heard anything about it either!!!

  22. So, has Shmucko tried to respond on this thread yet, or is he cowering in the corner being scared of all the fatties who dare to laugh at him? Because I’m sure we’d love to have a go at him directly. (Hey, January is dark and boring and I’m procrastinating!)

  23. I’ve frequently said that a lot of the hostility toward fat women is that we are “obviously” not killing ourselves for the approval of shallow fucksticks like this guy, and are therefore rejecting him before we even know him. I really do think that’s one of the sources of the hostility on some subconscious level.

    I’ve gotten the same hostility because of my gothy clothes, my piercings, my tattoos and my (formerly) funny colored hair. If my appearance appears to preclude interest in one of the douchier specimens of guy, it isn’t uncommon for them to be nasty to me.

  24. So, has Shmucko tried to respond on this thread yet

    Oh I dunno, Akismet ate him. I usually mark trolls as spam instead of just deleting them so I don’t have to then delete all their follow-ups. We did get one guy saying “I totally agree with him,” so there are TWO people y’all shouldn’t marry lest they go wangless, okay?

    Suzi, I have to lose some nerd cred and say I guess I don’t know… many years ago it was supposed to be closing, and I got some dice on deep discount that I meant to make jewelry with and never did, but as I am not a big gamer I never checked if it stayed down or not.

  25. “Maybe his wife actually turned into a manatee and that is where the confusion is coming from. A rapacious manatee who stole his shit. Are there selkies in LOTR?”

    Thanks FJ. Now instead of “turning into a unicorn that shits rainbows and sunshine” my new goal in life is going to be “turning into a rapacious manatee who will steal the shit (and penis) from any male it comes across” Oh, and said manatee can only be seen by non-virginal womens as it makes it’s way across the sky at night screaming out it’s victory cry after yet another success.

    Trolls make my imagination soar I tells ya!

  26. Oh wait, don’t ban him, I’m swooning in my fat pants over here.

    Pfffft.

    I just love the assumption (as others have pointed out) that all men have the same preferences. I guess that’s why I have never been laid in my life? Oh wait… I HAVE. And I’ve been fat for most of that time. Wrong schmucko.

  27. Would it be teeribly unkind if I were to propose that Schmucko be encouraged to remove his own junk? I only say that because we don’t want creatures like that breeding among the rest of us.

    Much scarier than manticores. Zombies even.

    It would be the “Dullards of the Apocalypse”.

    *shudder*

  28. I would like to chime in about how emotionally devastated I am that my current weight will prevent me from ever having dispassionate, one-sided speedy sex with Schmucko. I will have to settle with amazing and fullfilling sex with my wonderful hsuband. Bummer.

    However, if Schmucko ever does need to have his penis cut off, I would like to volunteer. Because I’m nice like that.

  29. Damn. My brother is out of the house and I wasn’t listening carefully the last time he told me the status of Wizards of the Coast. I think they got bought out a few years ago by a major toy/game manufacturer, though.

    And no, no selkies I’ve ever heard of in LotR. I can say that with a certain amount of certainty even though my particular geekosity runs more to Star Trek and Dr. Who.

  30. I’m not sure which part of this dude is smaller, his brain or his penis. Aside from that which many of us know personally – men really *do* find fat women attractive – he’s just raging for nothing. These are the same guys one finds on other boards or whatever, going on for weeks (or months, or years) about how every woman is out to screw him and take all his stuff. And then he promptly goes out and finds some immensely shallow chick who marries him only for his BMW (leased) and his McMansion (highly mortgaged) who runs up his credit cards buying designer clothes and then really does leave him and take his stuff.

  31. However, if Schmucko ever does need to have his penis cut off, I would like to volunteer. Because I’m nice like that.

    I’ll hold your coat. And grab his stuff. Maybe we can get our husbands to help with the stuff–my husband can lift almost as much as I can these days !

  32. This guy reminds me of a former friend who once told me in an email that he secretly wanted to have sex with me and if I “would just loose a few pounds” he’d “pound it even harder”. Man if that didn’t make me want to hit the elliptical I don’t know what would.

    He is truly one of the most insecure individuals I’ve ever met. Obviously he was/is a fat hater because he was projecting his own issues like going bald, inability to maintain lasting relationships because women just got tired of his shit, looking like he was 40 when he was 18 etc.

    I distinctly remember him being horrified that women have sweaty crotches particularly after exercising. He sounded genuinely hurt and confused when he asked me ‘why do they have to do that?’ pointing to the sweaty-crotch of a female runner passing us. The very process of homeostasis was a personal affront to him because it threatened his bizarre standards for masculinity/femininity. And as Michael Kimmel enlightened us, it all boils down to homophobia. I might be gay if she’s sweaty because only dudes sweat.

    And all of this is odd given the normal statements made by fatphobics about weight loss and personal responsibility. ‘Put down the fork and go for a run fatty. Just don’t sweat too much because I may end up in a bathhouse with the Village People.’

    So I’ll say to Schmuko the Douchehound what I should have said to this guy 15 years ago- fuck you and the horse you road in on.

  33. Dude, if you are that worried about your future imaginary wife taking your stuff, get a prenup.

    Also, if you are worried about your future imaginary wife shape-shifting, don’t marry a shape-shifter. (Note: This might be somewhat difficult to accomplish as shape-shifters are sneaky, but the aforementioned prenup could include clauses pertaining to shape-shifting and the unacceptableness thereof.)

  34. The very process of homeostasis was a personal affront to him because it threatened his bizarre standards for masculinity/femininity.

    Did he just hide under his desk for all of 10th grade biology or something?

    Kind of reminds me of an OA book I read one time that said even if you’re sick and vomiting, you should stick to your food plan, because if you don’t eat when you’re sick, then you’ll probably “overeat” when you get better.

    And then I put the book down, because I realized that I, a college dropout (at the time), knew what homeostasis was, and the author of this book, supposedly a medical doctor, either didn’t know or knew but didn’t care.

  35. You know, this is so sad. This guy is so limited. I’ve been married for 16 years and folks, it’s been for better and for worse. We have been through some horrible, major life stuff together and I love my husband fiercely. We have TRUST. Our marriage is a secure and safe place and we work at it. Right now we are BOTH fat and I’m not afraid of him, nor is he afraid of me. See, we love the person, not the package. That’s the whole for better or worse. God forbid this man ever get old, or sick, or unattractive, and have the person he’s married to kick him to the curb. So. Sad. “Sweet is the look of home, the mutual glance in which each other is secure.”

  36. No Johnny, the dude was highly educated in both undergrad and law school at top 20 schools.

    He’s just a misogynist and full of self-loathing.

  37. Maybe his wife actually turned into a manatee and that is where the confusion is coming from.

    Crap, I just died laughing. *iz ded*

  38. I died laughing at this:

    Also, if you are worried about your future imaginary wife shape-shifting, don’t marry a shape-shifter.

    Lotta death going around today — maybe what I should really fear is humor. Or blogs.

  39. “Also, if you are worried about your future imaginary wife shape-shifting, don’t marry a shape-shifter. (Note: This might be somewhat difficult to accomplish as shape-shifters are sneaky,”

    *dies* :D BUT since shape-shifters are inherently tricksy it would be tough to know WHAT clauses to include in a prenup (aside from “Don’t get ugly and don’t force me to chop my penis off “of course). Although, I suppose in the case of this imaginary Manatee wife that the strong scent of sea vegetables she insists is a new perfume might have been one of the little red flags….

  40. Hey Schumcko…I can only assume your perfect male form rivals that of George Clooney or Brad Pitt…being that you appear, at least in your own tiny mind, practically perfect in every way? Or could I be wrong? My guess here is you are either one of those over inflated gym rats with a small penis and a fast car..or a fat guy yourself who is too embassased that even one of us lowly fat girls won’t give you a tumble. Are we feeling a bit sensative about your beer belly and balding head? Either way Schmucko..our lives..really any womans life is not of your fucking business. Even the hot plastic girls you drool after roll their eyes at people like you. Fat or not you are NO ONES type or kind. Grow up..get over yourself and learn that you will live a miserable lonely life untill you figure out we are all human. So go grab some wings and beer and turn on the spice channel..maybe that will make you feel better about yourself.

    Happy new year schmucko

  41. Wow. Good thing my husband isn’t worried about stuff. Well, okay, he is. He’d like me to get rid of most of it. He’d live in a cave as long as it had internet and indoor plumbing. Which might explain why he’s not so much worried about the fact that his wife got fat after spawning. Strangely, I didn’t reject him when he was laid out by a herniated disk and subsequent surgery, either. Some of us like the people we marry because they’re people we like, rather than because they fit some physical ideal. Oh, and the sex has only gotten better as time goes on, despite the expanding waistlines that tend to come with middle age. Go figure.

  42. Wizards of the Coast aren’t closed. They bought TSR years ago before they themselves were bought by Hasbro. Dungeons and Dragons 4th Edition came out not too long ago (whether people like it or not).

    Yes, I’m geeky like that (never got into D&D by circumstance, but used to be into Magic: The Gathering and am a huge fan of Bioware’s Neverwinter Nights computer game, which is licensed off D&D)…

  43. Oh, and OF COURSE this man will never experience ANY of the following:

    Erectile dysfunction
    Loss of libido
    Low sperm count
    Unemployment
    Chronic depression
    Illness
    Cheating

    Oh, riiiiiiiiiight. I forgot men and men only reside in a fantastic netherworld in which REAL LIFE and its communsurate problems simply don’t exist.

    Stupid me. Stupid, stupid me.

  44. OK, wait, more:

    What is really making me LOL right now is the realization that Schmucko is reading Filly’s erudite and hilarious post and not understanding most of it. I don’t know why that makes me laugh. It just does.

  45. Personally, I think that if he were to end a perfectly good marriage just because his wife got fat, he would deserve to have all his shit taken.

    Also, there are both selkies and manticores in Harry Potter books.
    LEARN TO FANTASY, DOUCHE.

  46. he spends all day in the back room at Wizards of the Coast EVEN THOUGH WIZARDS OF THE COAST IS CLOSED.

    *snort* This was priceless. Oh, and in answer the question – WotC is a subsidiary of Hasbro. And umm, I only know that because Hasbro is in my state – yeah, that’s why. :)

  47. Oh, and OF COURSE this man will never experience ANY of the following:

    Well I will just CUT MY OWN VAGINA OFF if they do.

  48. Dear Schmucko: Thank you thank you for plastering your enlightened viewpoint all over the place, so you are easy to spot. You couldn’t be more obvious if you were wearing a tee-shirt that says ‘I’m with Stupid” and a bidirectional arrow pointing down to your crotch and up to your head at the same time.

    Seriously, I ache for any women in this man’s life, regardless of their size. He sounds like a real picnic to be around.

  49. I don’t know that castrating (or saying we’d like to castrate) schmucko helps at all– then we’re just foaming, raving feminists, trying to de-man teh menz, just like they thought we would! GAHHHH!

    It is laughable now, to me, to think that OMG NO ONE WOULD EVER LOVE ME!!– because I am married, but I can remember when that was a very real fear– and I was much slimmer than I am now. I grieve for the people who will listen to this guy and believe what he says.

    You can waste a lot of life and opportunities for love believing douchehounds, ya’ll.

  50. I don’t know that castrating (or saying we’d like to castrate) schmucko helps at all– then we’re just foaming, raving feminists, trying to de-man teh menz, just like they thought we would! GAHHHH!

    He was already planning to do it to himself if his imaginary wife gets fat. People are just trying to be helpful!

  51. For Twisty and Ladyjaye: WotC was bought by Hasbro or Mattel… I can never remember. They still exist, but they did close down all of their stores/gaming spaces which is probably what that commenter was thinking of.

    They used to have an awesome space on the Ave in Seattle, but overextended themselves and thus the buy-out.

    On another note, I always find it absolutely astounding that some people can NOT grasp the concept that their standard of beauty isn’t universal. Seriously, what kind of megalomaniacal bullshit is that? “Everyone thinks like I do!”

    Has idiot boy never seen photos of actresses and models from the 40s and 50s? How about paintings from the 1800s or before? AAAGGGHHHHH!!!!!

  52. I never learned how to diagram a sentence, but if anyone does, and can diagram this:

    My fear that a woman with the legal power to take half of my possessions might some day become so fat and sexually unappealing that I’d sooner cut my own penis off than have sex with the manatee that used to be my wife is unfortunately all too common and blogs like this one that dangerously suggest to naive future fatties that it’s ok are only leading your victims down the primrose path to a battle they can’t win.

    I would LOVE to see it.

  53. I am relishing the irony which shoutz points out, that the women most likely to abscond with half of poor Schmucko’s stuff are the shallow, vain women which he thinks it is our civic duty to emulate. In the vanishingly unlikely event that my fiancé and I should ever split voluntarily, his worldly goods will be the least of my concerns. But that couldn’t possibly be related to the fact that other people’s opinions of me are not my reason for living, could it?

  54. Shockingly, that sentence is grammatically sound. Though Strunk and White would probably cut their own penises off if they saw it (it’s stylistically awful and makes use of too many cliches). The thinking, of course, is so deformed that I have to assume the technically correct grammar is just a lucky accident.

  55. It’s going to be a pretty ugly diagram but I kind of want to do it anyway.

    That’s the direction my nerdery takes, anyway.

  56. That sentence only needs one comma to be 100% gramatically correct (before the “and”). Am working on a diagram. Will post a pic if I get it down…

  57. Also, there are both selkies and manticores in Harry Potter books.
    LEARN TO FANTASY, DOUCHE.

    A VERY important question: I know that Harry, Hermione and Ron come across a legal case that involved a manticore when they research a defense for Buckbeak… but where in the books are the selkies?

  58. There are manticores in Harry Potter? Which one?

    Oh, and this?

    A rapacious manatee who stole his shit.

    I want to see this developed into a comic book series. RIGHT NOW. *pounds desk with index finger*

    :D

  59. Wow.

    But you know, this is a very common PoV amongst a certain type of men, and several times during my more impressionable years did I have to listen to my latest crush kindly explaining to me that because my vitals were something more than the 36-24-36 ideal (although back then, no so much more- not as much as now I’m married) he wouldn’t be able to call me his girlfriend or take me out. But if I wanted to suck him off, then that would be okay.

    I’m not as stupid now, but it seems that some men are. Thank God my wonderful husband is an intelligent, sensitive thoughtful man and not a shallow retarded fuckstick like Schmucko!

  60. Schmucko (love it) sounds like this idiot on Shakesville last year who ranted and raved about not being able to find a wife, much less a woman that would talk to him. Gee, I wonder why?

    I would say I found another perfect candidate for a Real Doll, but I don’t think even one of those should have to put up with him. No, I think he should hook up with this guy: http://www.news.com.au/technology/story/0,25642,24576437-5014239,00.html

    They’re both out of touch with reality.

  61. That sentence only needs one comma to be 100% gramatically correct (before the “and”)

    Not in AP style! Not that you could ever publish that sentence in a newspaper, at least not without hastening their collapse, but I’ve really never worked with a more comma-hating stylesheet.

  62. Wow, I can totally see his point. (Yes, this is me being really sarcastic.) As such, I’m sure that he’s on a treadmill 4-5 hours a day and as he ages, he’ll dye his hair and botox his wrinkles and go to any length to preserve his body in all its college-boy hotness so that he doesn’t become unattractive to his wife.

    Wait…wait…you mean the impossible standard of beauty only applies to women? Guys are allowed to get old and fat and, you know, exist in reality?

    The “take half his stuff” bit also irritates me no end. No, in a divorce, the woman is NOT taking half of “the man’s stuff.” She’s taking half of THE COUPLE’S stuff. So is the guy, because there is no couple anymore.

    It’s not just “yours” because you’re the guy–duh. Because, one of two things is the case. Either she’s earning money and thus helping pay for “your” car and house and TV **or** she’s a stay-at-home wife who, by doing all that domestic clean/cook/pay bills/run errands crap, contributes to your ability to earn the money that pays for “your” stuff.

    Heck, in most cases, she contributes financially *and* does more than half of the other work that goes into maintaining a household. And as enlightened as our good buddy Schmucko is, I’m willing to bet he sees it as the wife’s job to do all the cooking and housework, while holding down a full-time job and looking after the kidlets. He shouldn’t have to do any of that “women’s work.” He needs to be free to do important things, like watch TV, drink beer, and harass strangers on message boards.

    So really, it’s more like him taking half of HER stuff….

  63. Sannanina, the selkies are actually the type of merpeople that live in the lake.

    And pyewacketsid, like sannanina said, there was a court case involving manticores mentioned in passing, and Hagrid also bred the Blast-Ended Screwt from a manticore and a fire crab.

  64. Hmm, the only selkies (and they were called silkies) I’ve ever encountered in SciFan lit were in Patricia Kennealy-Morrison’s “Kelts in Space” books.

    Of course, there were also women with sorcerous powers and seven different kinds of marriage in those books. Schmucko would probably be afraid of them too.

    Me, I’m afraid of fires.

    And vampires.

  65. Y’all, this is totally why Mr Machine and I aren’t legally married: he knows that if we ever DO tie the knot, I will instantly get fat and take the Xbox. By living in sin, we guarantee that we both end up slender and flush with disposable income!

  66. If I had a penis, I would cut it off at the thought of being saddled with this bag of douche. It also makes me more okay with having voluntarily withdrawn myself from attempting to date. Really a lot more okay.

  67. I’m pretty sure that the stripped down sentence (without modifiers) would read something like, “My fear…is unfortunately all too common…

    If this fear of yours is common, Schmucko, it is indeed unfortunate.

  68. Put down the fork and go for a run fatty. Just don’t sweat too much because I may end up in a bathhouse with the Village People.

    I got some Hearty LOLs from that, thanks.

  69. Yes I wants to see it Miz H! (By the way, your handle is what we call our dog’s best friend, because if we say her actual name–Hermione–he goes out of his softball-sized skull with excitement.)

  70. I fear we’re adopting the approach of the chemo-dosers and giving him the level of wit that would be appropriate if we were dealing with a man with an ideal level of self-awareness and insight, rather than the level he actually has.

    My fear that a woman with the legal power to take half of my possessions might some day become so fat and sexually unappealing that I’d sooner cut my own penis off than have sex with the manatee that used to be my wife is unfortunately all too common

    I’m sorry you have this fear of self-castration. Good luck with that.

    and blogs like this one that dangerously suggest to naive future fatties that it’s ok are only leading your victims down the primrose path to a battle they can’t win.

    I don’t understand. What battle is this? The battle to keep you from cutting your penis off? Do you normally find that this is something other people have a lot invested in? Because I would find this surprising, honestly. Might I suggest that this is, rather, a battle in which you and your penis are the sole co-belligerents?

    It’s no one’s fault except yours: lose weight.

    Are you suggesting that there is a likely future scenario in which a woman who married you would do well to rid herself of a couple hundred pounds of unappealing human flesh? Dude, you might just be right.

  71. It must be exhausting to be terrified of over 3 billion people every day.

    That’s right, Schmucko! There are 3 billion of us just waiting to pull the rip cord and expand! We’re going to take half of your stuff and stick it in our fat rolls and sweat all over it! Then we’re all going swimming near the Everglades!

    Who is with me?!

  72. “Are you suggesting that there is a likely future scenario in which a woman who married you would do well to rid herself of a couple hundred pounds of unappealing human flesh? Dude, you might just be right.”

    aaaand that did it. Now I am dead too.

  73. I fear we’re adopting the approach of the chemo-dosers and giving him the level of wit that would be appropriate if we were dealing with a man with an ideal level of self-awareness and insight, rather than the level he actually has.

    You know perfectly well that none of this is for his benefit. :)

  74. I fear we’re adopting the approach of the chemo-dosers and giving him the level of wit that would be appropriate if we were dealing with a man with an ideal level of self-awareness and insight, rather than the level he actually has.

    I’m pretty sure this comment reached toxic levels of wit for me.

  75. You’re right, fillyjonk — y’all were responding to the decent guy inside him who’s fighting to get out but is covered up by layers of douchehound. :)

  76. y’all were responding to the decent guy inside him who’s fighting to get out but is covered up by layers of douchehound. :)

    *is also ded*

  77. We must all now worship Miz H as a goddess. Who’s going in with me on the baby-flavored donut sacrifice?

  78. @ Carleigh — :) Thanks… unfortunately in real life I have all the stage presence of a slightly unpleasant smell.

  79. You all have officially, completely, totally and in all other ways killed me today… but I died HAPPY! And when I come back from the dead, I will totally join in the worship of Miz H.. along with A Sarah.
    Thanks to all you funny folk!

  80. I remember learning in my social psychology class in undergrad that people of similar attractiveness generally end up together. In other words, you marry or seriously date people who are about as attractive as you are. My response:

    1) Attractive according to whose standards?
    2) My 5’2″ 280lb body must be dang fine, because my husband is HOTT!

  81. We’re going to take half of your stuff and stick it in our fat rolls and sweat all over it! Then we’re all going swimming near the Everglades! Who is with me?!

    Ooh! Me! Me!

    And I’d touch his cock with a pair of tongs, even if you wouldn’t, FJ.

    I have just the perfect pair of tongs in mind.

  82. A Sarah: I feel you. In grad school, we had to fulfill a certain number of hours of guest lecturing if we didn’t choose to teach. For the first one I did, I spent HOURS preparing. I made an awesome slideshow, filled index cards with notes, practiced in front of friends, etc.
    The day finally came, and I did my thing. I thought it went okay as it could, considering my crippling fear of public speaking. At the end, I went and sat in the front row to politely sit out the rest of the professor’s lecture. A guy in the front row (who didn’t know I was still there), said to the professor, “Uh, why did you have her do that? It was excruciating.”

    It took every shred of strength in my body not to start crying. Needless to say, I managed to talk my way out of having to do any more guest lectures.

    Not to threadjack. Sorry.

  83. “Personally, I think that if he were to end a perfectly good marriage just because his wife got fat, he would deserve to have all his shit taken.”

    I think he’d have to find one before he could end one. And it usually takes at least two people to make one, too.

  84. Carleigh: :::hug::: And srsly not possible. I am still squeeing under my breath because some how this thread has evolved in my brain into… a movie about the Shapeling zombie army taking over the world — and stealing HALF this douchenozzle’s stuff.

  85. You people are so hilarious I can’t stand it. Just because manticores are scarier than fat bellies doesn’t give you a BLANK CHECK to be so funny, you know.

  86. Carleigh — Oh geez, that sounds amazingly excruciating. I really wish “good teaching” weren’t so equated with “being a laffaminit Mr. Cool (and in my experience there usually is an assumption of Misterness, at least at the college level).” I found I was actually a really good teacher once I went with my strengths, which don’t show in a straight lecture.

    I’m actually on the job market now, and I’ve got a campus interview in the pacific northwest next week. One thing I like about the school is that they don’t at all seem to be this way. The guy whose class I’m guest teaching is totally cool with my doing discussion and small group work. If a school weren’t down with that, honestly, I don’t think it would be a good fit anyway.

  87. I have to wonder whether or not Schmucko and others like him are trolling here from Something Awful. That sounds awfully similar to the fat-bashing that goes on at the SA forums.

  88. I am still squeeing under my breath because some how this thread has evolved in my brain into… a movie about the Shapeling zombie army taking over the world — and stealing HALF this douchenozzle’s stuff.

    Precisely half. There will be chainsaws involved.

  89. Well, I have to give Schmucko a little credit: manticores ARE imagin-

    No! It can’t be!

    Dear Maude, it’s a manticore!

    Help me! Heeeeeelllllll-

  90. *Tidies all the dead bodies out of A Sarah’s harem space. Make’s sure Carleigh’s room has a nice big whiteboard and plenty of markers; also a bulletin board for the plenitude of thank-you note from all the students who enjoyed her guest lecture, but were oblivious to manners at that age and forgot to send them.*

    *Ponders*

    *Moves the dead bodies to a cushy room with cats, but no kibbles. Cats WILL resurrect the dead to get breakfast.*

    *Goes to the kitchen to whip up a batch of carmel apples to share.*

  91. Late to the party, GD work! but I would still like to swing at your pinata, if I may.

    Dear Schmucko:

    You are being oppressed by the patriarchy and would benefit greatly from a little RadFem 101. In this class, you would learn, among other fascinating things, that marriage is not about love, or raising kiddies, or even your penis, it is instead a legal contract stating that you agree to give your spouse 1/2 of everything you make and 1/2 of all the stuff you aquire from the moment that you sign the form. You are also responsible for 1/2 of any debts he/she aquires during the term of your marriage, whether you agreed to them or not.

    Therefore, when your marriage ends, your ex-spouse is not taking your stuff but is instead taking only the stuff that you agreed to give them when you got married.

    Re: horrible fatness, don’t worry, thanks in great part to some wonderful pioneering feminists, you can now get a no-fault divorce in almost every state and get out of your marital contract for any reason you desire. It will only cost you some stuff.

    Now you should be able to make a more informed decision on this important issue. No, no, don’t say thank you, it’s ok really.

    Bella

  92. *Moves the dead bodies to a cushy room with cats, but no kibbles. Cats WILL resurrect the dead to get breakfast.*

    Ded.

  93. *Moves the dead bodies to a cushy room with cats, but no kibbles. Cats WILL resurrect the dead to get breakfast.*

    Hmm, I don’t see that working out quite the same way you do. :)

  94. I have to wonder whether or not Schmucko and others like him are trolling here from Something Awful.

    While SA is kind of a proving ground, this particularly type of misogyny/fatphobia is sadly not confined to any one area of the web. The internet loves emotionally and sexually stunted manchildren, and vice versa.

  95. By the way, what’s a “run fatty” (as in “put down the fork and go for a run fatty”)? Is it the new “LOL your fat”?

  96. *Moves the dead bodies to a cushy room with cats, but no kibbles. Cats WILL resurrect the dead to get breakfast.*

    Dude, I haven’t even died yet and I still sometimes wake up to the cats licking me in the middle of the night. I can only assume they’re tasting the goods before taking their first bite.

  97. Aw, you *guys*. My massive debt from getting an Master’s in English is all worth it just for this.

    And, (throat clearing), as I do not like sweets (I know, right, BAD FATTY!) I demand a sacrifice of a nice French fromage de enfante.

  98. These are the same guys one finds on other boards or whatever, going on for weeks (or months, or years) about how every woman is out to screw him and take all his stuff. And then he promptly goes out and finds some immensely shallow chick who marries him only for his BMW (leased) and his McMansion (highly mortgaged) who runs up his credit cards buying designer clothes and then really does leave him and take his stuff.

    Self-fulfilling prophecy, there. Can’t be wrong after spouting that shit for ages.

  99. Unfortunately, my husband has a bit of this gene. We’re working on it, but I’m not holding out much hope any more… (when do you know you’ve tried enough?)

    Except if he leaves my not-really-all-that-fat ass, since I earn 6 figures and he is currently unemployed, technically I guess he will be taking MY stuff!

  100. I am now going to have to leave my perfectly wonderful husband and take half of his shit so that I can spend all my time worshiping Miz H and her mad diagramming skillz. You rock my world woman!

  101. And I’d touch his cock with a pair of tongs, even if you wouldn’t, FJ. I have just the perfect pair of tongs in mind.

    *snort*
    buffpuff, oh my word, how did I miss this the first time around? Well done.

  102. Sweet Machine: Mine already eat my hair while I’m awake.

    One of mine tries this, but since I use hair gel and hairspray, she takes one lick, and then makes the most horrified face, as if to say “These are NOT the condiments I ordered!” It doesn’t stop her from trying again, though. She’s not the brightest spark, even by the undemanding standards of cat intelligence.

    Sorry to head off topic, but I’m glad we’re not the only ones with a cat with weird tastes.

  103. I also enjoy the helpful directive to “lose weight” at the end. Because ladies, we are ALL his potential future wives. He gets ANYONE he wants – doesn’t matter if she’s already married, gay, or *gasp* doesn’t want him. Well, forget that last one as such a thing would NEVER happen, I’m sure….

    Hey, I’m thin, so if you guys want, as an FA ally volunteer project I can get him to invite me over and then open the back door so you guys can steal half his stuff! That way no one has to marry this dipshit…cut out the middleman, so to speak.

  104. A skillion bwahs and yups to this post, and to this entire thread.

    To which I’ll add three bullet points. No, four. No, five!

    1) I love how you, Schmucko, call them “your possessions.” As if the presence of a second income or fulltime helpmeet (or often, both in the same human body) has nothing whatsoever to do with the amount of stuff you accumulate during a marriage. No siree bob.

    2) And god only help us — and her — if his wife ever becomes injured or sick for a long period of time, or even permanently. (Maybe even from overexercising and overdieting?)

    3) Remember, if during the course of your marriage she gets cast as the fat girl on One Tree Hill, you get half of HER stuff if you decide to dump her. Only she’ll dump your schmucky ass first, since George Clooney will probably be calling.

    4) Really, though, do the universe a favor and do not marry any woman ever. Our bodies are designed by nature to store fat. Marry a guy instead. They are more likely to stay slim, especially since they do not have to deal with that pesky pregnancy thing.

    5) If you insist on marrying a woman, date her for 10 years first. This will give you time to find out the true nature of her metabolism. But make sure you tell her why you’re holding out, K? That way, she has a chance to get the hell out out before you make your entire family totally miserable.

  105. You know, it just occurred to me that this man is aching SO MUCH to give us his penis he wants to actually cut it off as an offering for us.

    How disgusting.

    Sir, learn to masturbate. There are any number of resources that could help you take care of these urges before you become so creepy and desperate. In the meantime, quit getting all mad at US because we won’t fuck you.

    kthanxbai.

  106. I’m actually sorry that you blocked him, as I’d like to clarify with some questions to determine his exact thought process.

    For instance, is it OK with his worldview if:
    My husband gets fat and I take half his stuff?
    I don’t get fat but take half my husband’s stuff anyway?
    If I get fat but only take a quarter of my husband’s stuff?
    My husband gets fat and takes half my stuff?
    Any other combination of fatness-acquiring and stuff-taking?

    I just want to be clear on what’s allowed and what isn’t.

  107. The only battle I cannot win is the one against my body.

    So I called for a truce.

    This week my body and I went jogging, snuggled with my boyfriend, and went out for sushi. As soon as I have enough time away from work to truly enjoy it, my body and I are doing to get a professional massage.

  108. See I get lost in the reasoning here. Why then, is it bad for me to be a fat 20-something? If I’m fat now, then isn’t it a fair warning to all those poor defenseless men I date, so that the man I marry already knows that I’m fat and loves me for who I am – including the fat.

    Shouldn’t you be directing your hate toward the skinny women who only stay skinny by forced starvation and compulsive exercise who will inevitably gain weight someday?

    (Obviously not that we should be hating ANYONE based on their weight/size/appearance! Just speaking to the troll-brain here)

    So yeah. I it would seem that since by even your own twisted logic you don’t make any sense, that women you can’t control are the real threat here just as Fillyjonk said.

  109. Why I adore y’all: a thread for stomping like giant stomping things over the weeny brain of this troll focuses most on the presence or absence of fantasy creatures in LotR and Harry Potter, the state of a game supplier and grammar geekery.

    But I have to say, Lu wins at life for the “Run Joey Run” reference. Daddy please don’t, it wasn’t his fault, he means so much to meeeeee…

    *ahem*

    A Sarah *major vibes for the campus interview* Have you done one before? Rest up. They are more than anything an endurance test.

    DRST

  110. Why then, is it bad for me to be a fat 20-something? If I’m fat now, then isn’t it a fair warning to all those poor defenseless men I date, so that the man I marry already knows that I’m fat and loves me for who I am – including the fat.

    Indeed! I weigh now what I weighed when I got married, plus or minus 10lbs.

  111. My husband often refers to himself as winning … because he has the most wife of anyone.

    I wonder what Schmucko would think of that.

    “Daddy please don’t, we’re gonna get married” — suddenly I’m nine, camping out in my neighbor’s backyard listening to her very cool new battery operated 8 track tape player. God, I’m old.

  112. oh wait, you DO believe in mythical creatures! Just not in prenuptial agreements or mutual respect.

    Damn! Diet coke, straight through the nostrils. I love that line.

  113. “He is truly one of the most insecure individuals I’ve ever met. Obviously he was/is a fat hater because he was projecting his own issues like going bald, inability to maintain lasting relationships because women just got tired of his shit, looking like he was 40 when he was 18 etc.

    Oh, so you’ve met my ex-boyfriend. Charmer, ain’t he?

    Oh, threads like these are why I love douchehoundz. You shapelings have the most wonderful brains.

  114. Dang, I’m so sorry to have missed the early stages of this. I have to say, though, although there are no selkies extant in LOTR, I wouldn’t rule out their existence in Middle Earth. Manticores are less likely. I believe I have a certain amount of authority in this matter. I believe the scariest creature in LOTR is Shelob. Ain’t no way my fat belly is scarier than a giant freaking spider.

    Also, Schmucko’s logic does not resemble our earth logic.

  115. Randomquorum,

    I personally wouldn’t react so charitably to your bloke’s demands. Especially if he’s making this strictly your issue to deal with, and making you feel bad about yourself.

    Even more especially if he’s not a doppleganger for Josh Lawson (google, then thank me later) or Hugh Jackman himself.

  116. Perla, I don’t have to google Josh Lawson – he’s an Aussie! WOOT! In fact, so is Hugh Jackman! DOUBLE WOOT!

    Have you ever seen Thank God You’re Here? Josh is so totally awesome when he’s in that show…

    Also, I don’t react to husband’s demands. In fact, I tend to do the opposite, and gain due to binging/overeating as a result. We’ve now come to the point where he finally understands that it’s his problem, not mine, and he needs to either deal and accept that I will probably never lose weight and he has to stop trying to “fix” it, or get out.

  117. AHAHAHAHA FAIL there are no manticores in Lord of the Rings!

    This was my favorite right here, just for the juxtaposition:

    Male attraction instincts are what they are. It’s no one’s fault except yours

    You made male attraction instincts what they are! Stop complaining about it when you know you did it!

  118. …I was so overcome by the hilarity of it all that I forgot something else I was going to say, which was: Look, douchebag, if you’re so afraid of Some Woman taking all your stuff in a divorce, there’s a simple solution to that problem–don’t get married. It’s not difficult–you just have to sit there–and it’s free!

  119. Hey, I’m thin, so if you guys want, as an FA ally volunteer project I can get him to invite me over and then open the back door so you guys can steal half his stuff! That way no one has to marry this dipshit…cut out the middleman, so to speak.

    Ok I almost literally choked on a Hershey’s kiss. *iz ded*

  120. Severely OT-

    Re: Josh Lawson… Have you seen ‘The Librarians’? He makes a great dyslexic library assistant!

  121. That’s it. I’m starting Naive Future Fatties of America. RIGHT NOW.

    Aw, man, I’m gonna have to go on a diet just so I can join and get fat again.

    Kate, obviously, Naive Future Fatties of America graduate into Naive Fatties of America. Kind of like Brownies/Girl Scouts. But with cooler uniforms and badge projects. And we sell baby-flavored doughnuts instead of cookies!

    *is tempted to send the diagrammed sentence to her linguist mother for her analysis*

  122. “My fear that a woman with the legal power to take half of my possessions might some day become so fat and sexually unappealing that I’d sooner cut my own penis off than have sex with the manatee that used to be my wife…”

    Ok…someone explain to me how threatening to cut off one’s own organ is not an “OMFG!GETTHATMANTOAPSYCHIATRISTSTAT!” moment? Scenario: Fat wife calls 911 after hearing Schmuckos remark–“My husband is threatening to cut off is penis!”
    911 Operator–“Are you his fat wife?”
    Wife–“Yes, why?”
    911 Operator–“Stay put, officers are on their way to haul your fat ass off to the nearest liposuction clinic, bariatrc surgeon, and Jenny Craig!”
    Wife-“But what about my husband?”
    911 Operator–“YOU’RE the real threat here ma’am! Don’t you know man’s attraction instincts are entirely YOUR responsibility??!!!”

    “…blogs like this one that dangerously suggest to naive future fatties that it’s ok are only leading your victims down the primrose path to a battle they can’t win. Male attraction instincts are what they are. It’s no one’s fault except yours: lose weight.”

    Keyword: “primrose path”
    Yea….like being fat is a fucking dance party…especially when neandrethals such as this one refuse to believe reality that bodies are different and make it their personal command from God to chide, insult, threaten, belittle, harass, rape, pillage, inflate their own superiority, judge, chastise, demean, and basically eviscerate the value, worth, prominence, importance, and contributions of women everywhere just because his little penis brain never learned how to view women in any way other than as livestock????

    Nice gene pool, dude. Seriously…do us all a favor and make good on your threat…you’re dumbing down the missing link.

  123. randomquorum, it sounds like you’ve done what you can. You can hold out for as long as you can stomach it (ha) – a few more months and he might come around, or it might not. Totally your call, as I see it. There’s no need to stay with someone who doesn’t respect you, but it’s also your choice to hold on if there’s enough redeeming bits of the relationship to try and work through it. Nice non-advice, huh? When my spouse and I were in counseling, the therapist suggested that sometimes a trial separation is a really good thing to make two people either realize they’re better off separate or to realize they really did want each other after all, so you wouldn’t have to go all out on leaving.

  124. Would I be right in thinking that Mr. Schmucko’s last line is based on the multiple assumptions that the sole purpose of this website is to provide a place for women to sit around whining because we can’t get sexual partners?

    How very odd. I mean, he appears to be literate (except for that one debatable comma) but he obviously chooses not to exercise his ability to read. Why is he hoarding all that literacy when there are people out there who would make better use of it?

    He also seems to believe that there’s no other purpose for humankind, no greater aspiration (for women) or blessing (from men to women), than hooking up. Which means all the architecture and literature and space exploration and every other accomplishment of mankind—it’s all just busywork.

    And while this may be true for the majority of politicians, I can’t help but find this philosophy a little . . . simplistic. And sad. And desperate.

    On the other hand, I can totally imagine John Donne writing:
    Truth is beauty
    And beauty verse . . .
    But I’m getting me some nookie first.

    Except Alexander Pope would have beaten him to it . . .

    Sorry . . . have a paper due . . . (resubmerges into 17th Century Poetry and Prose . . . )

  125. Oh, Bald Soprano, I am quite certain there are myriad mistakes in my diagramming. And yet it still took over 45 minutes. Please tell your linguist mother to be gentle on a poor rhet and comp theorist.

  126. Miz H: I wasn’t going to hand her the diagram, just the sentence and see what she made of it. I thought it might make a nice little relaxation exercise for her while she’s in recovery from her comps (she’s getting her PhD in rhetoric; it’s her MA that’s in linguistics)

    spoonfork: didn’t Pope write exclusively in closed couplets?

    (who, me, geeky? nevar!)

  127. spoonfork, I realize I’m taking a huge risk by doing this, because you might find some way to drastically change your body, leave me, and take half my stuff (the dustbunnies too?? she asked hopefully), but will you marry me? This… this… well, I’m just verklempt about this: “Which means all the architecture and literature and space exploration and every other accomplishment of mankind—it’s all just busywork. ”

    The idea of space exploration as busywork? I’m awestruck. ;)

  128. Okay, no, all your points are valid and interesting but.

    I’m still stuck on this guy believing in manticores (or “Lord of the Rings creatures” which, heh, no manticores in Tolkien, dude, you also probably don’t know that there are no tigers in the veldt) until he was *8*.

    0.0

    I didn’t even believe in *hobbits* past 3, max. Way to be a late bloomer.

  129. “Daddy please don’t, we’re gonna get married” — suddenly I’m nine, camping out in my neighbor’s backyard listening to her very cool new battery operated 8 track tape player. God, I’m old.

    Replace 8-track with plain old cassette, and ditto! I can’t believe I missed Lu’s comment the first time around — that’s what I get for skimming. That was so the BEST SONG EVAR when I was 9.

    And if Fillyjonk hadn’t beat me to Friday fluff already, it would totally be the “Run, Joey, Run” video. Which is just 900 kinds of awesome.

  130. I never realized that I have such power! New goals:

    1. Get thinner.
    2. Attract random misogynistic asshole who has a phobia of man-things (notice how both mythical monsters start with man? Hey, maybe it’s homophobia?).
    3. Marry said asshole in place with generous property rights.
    4. Get fatter and/or wear fat suit if sufficient weight gain proves too difficult – this should be safe as he will never try to remove my clothes when said suit is on.
    5. Wait for divorce/castration.
    6. Wallow, still in fat suit, in the giant money pile, with all my manticore, manatee, man o’ war, Mandalorian, mandrill, and tiny tyrant manakin friends.

    Best life plan *ever*.

  131. @A Sarah, make sure you remember to drink during the day. I was so dehydrated by the end of the day I was a raisin.

    My best story of that day was that I asked the person guiding me around to the various interviews if I could have a few minutes in the classroom to prep just before my presentation. He said sure and then the entire department followed me into the classroom! I guess I should have specified that I meant A FEW MINUTES ALONE.

    Best of luck, they will be sooooo lucky to get you! /hijack

  132. Bald Soprano:
    Yeah, well, I didn’t say it was a good paper. No, you’re right, of course—I was thinking more of basic randy intent rather than rhyme scheme . . . Whoa—I hope that doesn’t support Schmuko’s point!

    shoutz: Wow! I’m so flattered! But I will have to insist that we sign a prenup stating that you will in return swipe half the cat hair blanketing my house—no drastic physical changes necessary!

    And space exploration isn’t really busywork, of course—it’s pure chick magnetism, baby. Or so I’ve heard . . .

  133. *iz ded from too much lol*

    So, would this guy be offened if the woman who took 1/2 his stuff was thin? Or is it just the fat women with power that he’s afraid of?

  134. Charlotte: I’m assuming that if the woman who was legally entitled to take half his stuff was/remained thin, he would continue to be willing to have sex with her and therefore (in his non-logic) would have no reason or chance of walking out on him and stealing half his stuff.

  135. Also LOL’ing at myself for forgetting that “Run, Joey, Run” and “Daddy Please Don’t” are the same song and being on the point of making fun of everyone else for getting it “wrong.” HEE!

  136. Fatty please don’t
    It isn’t my fault
    I’m not attracted to yooooo

    Fatty please don’t
    You’ll never get ma-reeed
    Just you wait and see!

    Run, Fatty, Run, Fatty, Ruuuun [off with half my stuff]!

  137. Valerie: “The very process of homeostasis was a personal affront to him because it threatened his bizarre standards for masculinity/femininity. And as Michael Kimmel enlightened us, it all boils down to homophobia.”

    Well, but homophobia is inherently sexist because men consider being gay to be emasculating, meaning that they don’t want to be like *women* because gay men are apparently more like women, so therefore are inferior. So maybe [a lot of it] boils down to sexism? By the way, once again I love your wording. Hilarious, yet so true. I’ll have to keep an eye on that sneaky homeostasis in the future lest it tries to get in the way of my dating prospects.

    And I’d have to second a few other opinions on here. Schmucko, enough with the talk, just do the world a favor and remove the offending appendage already.

  138. I’m going to go eat MORE just so there is never any remote chance in hell this guy might ever, ever EVAH be remotely interested in me. Blech.

  139. I’m kind of puzzled by his references to both manticores and manatees. I guess it really is all about the MANS for him.

    However, were-manatees make it all okay.

  140. The idea of space exploration as busywork? I’m awestruck. ;)

    This reminds me of one of Wanda Sykes’s lines: “NASA… it’s welfare for really smart people.” (As a contractor there, I feel that there’s a litle bit of truth to that.)

  141. Dear Schmucko,

    I am in High School and fat, and despite the teasing and surprise that I can in fact run a mile in under an hour–in fact, I can run one in under 10 minutes, how’s that?–I have recently decided that I was ready to try dating out. And who asks me out first? My almost abusively skinny guy friend. I probably wear more than him, too. But he doesn’t care. He likes me for my neurosis and quirks and the way I smile, apparently.

    I didn’t expect anyone to ever be attracted to me where I live–a beach town where bathing suits rule, but here I am!

    If boys find me cute now, imagine what it’ll be like when they get even more mature and realize that a girlfriend isn’t just a girl–she’s a friend, too.

    -BeccaBoo

    PS: Your cock is safe, because if you’re afraid of a woman who might get fat and steal all your stuff, well then, you might as well just perform autofellatio. You don’t even have to worry about cuddling ever again!

  142. @A Sarah, make sure you remember to drink during the day.

    OMG, I SO read that comment wrong…. (Although depending on how grueling it is, stashing a flask might not be a bad idea!)

  143. [Sometimes I think these trolls are stealth marketers for lesbianism.]

    As a lesbian myself, I completely agree. One of the nice things about being a gay woman in this society is not having to deal with assholes like Schmucko.

  144. Wow, Schmucko kinda reminds me of the guy who told me that men are genetically programmed to like women with bigger breasts, and that men who date women with smaller breasts are “just settling for less”. And the ex boyfriend who told me that I’m slim now, but that I had “fat genes”.

    But seriously, what Schmucko is really worried about are THIN WOMEN WHO MIGHT SECRETLY PLAN TO GET FAT AFTER ENSNARING HIM INTO MARRIAGE!! See, in Schmucko’s scary world, Real Men are not safe even from thin women, because scheming skinny girls can trick him into marriage, then suddenly put on huge amounts of weight, overnight – forcing poor Schmucko to perform a penis-ectomy before running away with HIS STUFF.

    You can’t trust thin women. Or fat women. Or women.

  145. maybe part of schmucko’s problem is that he chooses to express this opinion here,anonymously, on a fat positive blog to women who he must know will find his attitude repellent, and therefore consider him to be to be completely unattractive. No one here will want to be with him, so it’s safe to splash it around. It’s safe to reveal himself as a human being that likes to get on the internet and ‘express himself’ by telling other people they are unloveable.

    But will he mention this on first dates? out loud and in front of witnesses? To a fiancees parents? to her best friends?
    Or will he keep it to himself when he meets a real woman, and instead of letting her know what he really thinks, waste her time by insisting he loves her for herself, and that he enjoys her company and her love means everything to him… thinking all the while, “I only mean it till you pork up, babe. then i dont love ya at all….”

    and the half of my stuff comment? I broke up with my ex husband 12 years ago… and even though in that time he has blown his half of the proceeds of th house we owned together AND the proceeds of the WHOLE of the house his new missus owned, AND asked my father for money
    he is still sitting there oozing fury that he can’t get a share of the house I own now. Cos unless he has more than me, then any success I have is all because I took ‘half his stuff’

  146. Schmucko’s fears are, alas, nothing new. I am reading Kathy Peiss’s excellent book Hope in a Jar, and she notes that the English Parliament passed an act in 1770 annulling the marriages of women who had lured their husbands into matrimony by using “scents, paints, cosmetic washes, artificial teeth, false hair, Spanish wool, iron stays, hoops, high-heeled shoes and bolstered hips.” Apparently, men in the eighteenth century were as terrified of finding that they’d unwittingly married smelly, splotchy, toothless, bald, bulgy, short, hipless chicks as Schmucko is that some sly harpy will instantly expand like an inflated life raft the minute she’s ensnared him.

  147. Do! Not only for its subtle arguments and interesting info, but also to see some unbe-freakin’-lievable ads from the nineteenth century, particularly for face bleaches and hair straighteners. Let’s just say they promised to turn you from one racial stereotype into another in seconds flat.

    A good companion piece (because if you’re anything like me, the one thing you really need is more items on your “to-read” list) is Devices and Desires: A History of Contraceptives in America, in which we learn that, thanks to an intensive marketing campaign, Lysol was the best-selling female contraceptive in the U.S. during the Depression, and that both Goodyear and B. F. Goodrich–yep, the tire people–did a steady business in IUDs.

  148. Wow!! That’s, intense. And completely bogus. I’ve actually had longer lasting, seemingly healthier relationships than a lot of the skinnier women I know. And, I’m currently in a long-term relationship that is moving in the direction of marriage. And I’ve been overweight since I was a kid.

    However, Schmucko, is unfortunately not the only one who thinks like he does (well, I don’t know that anyone else is quite so ridiculous about it). But, there are men and women who love big women and vice versa.

    Too bad guys like that are unable to accept that. Anyway, I’m glad there are places like this that help fight such awfulness.

  149. Way too late to the party for anyone but mods to actually see this comment, but just wanted to answer FJ’s and others’ questions about Wizards closing. (I’m a former employee, laid off in Aug. 2008–and it’s still around.) What you’re thinking of, FJ, is the very short experiment in retail stores that Wizards did a few years back. Those *stores* closed, yes. But Wizards itself, the game design company owned by Hasbro that makes D&D and Magic: The Gathering and publishes fantasy books in those worlds for adults and children? It’s been around for years, and continues on. Headquartered in Renton, WA.

    When I worked there (for over 3 years), when I mentioned where I worked a number of people asked, “But I thought those closed?” and I’d have to explain the difference between the retails stores and the company itself. Plenty of independent game stores and bookstores and chain stores still sell Wizards stuff.

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