A Visit from Aunt Fattie
We were thrilled when Shapeling A Sarah posted this poem as a rejoinder to a grossly fat-shaming one that is making its way around via email forwards. Thank you, A Sarah, for sharing your brilliant wit with all of us!
About A Sarah: “I write song parodies as a way to deal with stress (and got one published once, but under my real name), I’m married with two small kids, and I once had a paid acting role in a radio drama for truckers.”
A Visit from Aunt Fattie
‘Twas the month after Christmas and all through my body,
I was quite unconcerned with being a hottie.
The legs from my mom’s side, the shoulders from dad,
The cells made from holiday meals I’d had…
All parts were happy, contented, and warm,
Joyful and useful and causing no harm.
I grabbed my down comforter, kicked off my shoes,
And settled in bed for a long winter’s snooze.
When from the bathroom there arose such a clatter!
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the loo I flew like a flash!
(But my stomach felt fine, so I threw up no sash.)
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But the talking scale which I’d thrown out last year!
More rapid than eagles his insults they came.
He whistled, he shouted, he called me a name:
“Now, Failure! Now, Ugly! Now, Sloppy and Lumpy!
Unloved, Unlovable, Loathsome and Dumpy!
Count points, log your food, and get ‘healthy,’ you cow.
Waste away! Waste away! Waste away now!”
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So into my mind his aspersions they flew…
I thought, “Oh, I’m loathsome. Whate’er shall I do?”
I hated my shoulders, my legs, and my tummy,
And all of those meals I’d thought were so yummy.
I hated myself for my natural weight range.
I decided to diet… er, make a ‘lifestyle change.’
But just as I started turning around,
Down the chimney Aunt Fattie came with a bound.
She was dressed all in pleather, from her head to her heels.
On her chest and her cape? Baby doughnuts, for reals.
Her eyes – how they twinkled! Her dimples – how merry!
Her cheeks were like roses, her nose like a cherry!
The stump of her stogey held tight in her teeth,
And the smoke it encircled her head like a wreath.
She had a broad face and magnificent belly,
That shook, when she laughed, like a bowlful of jelly.
Though chubby and plump, a right jolly old auntie,
The sight of my scale caused her to get ranty.
“Don’t listen to him,” she said. “I mean, really!
Diet for weight loss? What for? Oh, how silly.
Imagine a pill that, for just three percent,
Does all of the things that the pill-makers meant.
Everyone else? They’ve just wasted their money.
But now let’s pretend the pill also tastes funny,
Gives you bad breath, makes you cranky and tired,
And, oh yes, three hours a day are required
To swallow it. Tell me, do you think you’d try it?
‘Cause, honey, that’s just what you get with a diet.
Or let’s say it works. What then? You’re entitled
To live life unhindered, unbroken, unbridled?
Your diet success gives you license to dance?
Swim? Work out? Run a race? Wear tight pleather pants?
Make a friend? Make a date? Take a break? Take a bow?
Girlfriend, you know you can do those things now!
Plus, FAT ISN’T BAD, for Pete’s sake. It’s just tissue.
If others don’t like it, it’s their goddamned issue!”
So we jumped on the scale, which shattered to bits,
Then spent hours indulging our sardonic wits.
And I heard her exclaim, ‘ere she turned on her heels,
“Hell yeah, some things taste just as good as thin feels!”
ha, I really like this :-)
pleather!
Bravo!
A Sarah, I love you and this poem and want to have its babies. :)
I’m so glad to see this today, because I’m about to leave for a week at the in-laws’ house, where everyone is thin and we have to get family pictures taken and I will have no internet connection to bolster me up. I’m pasting this into a word file now so I can refer to it when I feel frumpy.
Squeee! Love it!
Brilliant!
Ohmylord, how I loved this! Thank you so much, writer and publisher!
I love it — I want Aunt Fattie to visit me. We’ll party!
That is brilliant. That last line….just perfect.
I am in awe; sheer, unadulterated awe. Oh yeah, I’m also grinning from ear to ear.
This is brilliant. Thanks so much for this. I’d send it to my family members if they weren’t already self-flagellating for meals they haven’t eaten yet . :P
Despite the fact that A Sarah did not make good on her promise to rhyme “waist-to-hip ratio” with “fellatio,” I think this is one of the best things I’ve ever read.
Baby Donuts For reals! YAAAY!!
This was just what I needed today. (Turns out my dad photoshopped the family Christmas photos to make me look thinner. Merry Christmas Pumpkin! I’m ashamed of you!)
Thank you for restoring my Sanity Points.
Awesome. :)
Beautiful.
A Sarah, your wonderfulness knows no bounds.
Shinobi, sorry about your father, the Evil Photoshopping Wizard. Dipstick. Happy Holidays, wish you were… thinner… pfui.
Ha, nice!
Though chubby and plump, a right jolly old auntie,
The sight of my scale caused her to get ranty.
My pronunciation of ‘Aunt’ (is this a New England thing? it sounds like ‘ont’) made my brain read the second line as ’caused her to get raunchy.’
What a great poem! It’s a great reminder that the pressure to be thin –and all its component pressures — are really demands that we muzzle our fat selves rather than embracing our power and enjoying all the numminess life has to offer.
And I LOVE the illustration. Can I, er, uh, borrow it (just for posting here and there, on the web)? I’d be proud to give the artist the proper attribution. She’s gorgeous — just like Aunt Fattie!
What a nice Christmas present! Thank you so much A Sarah!
I love love love this! I’m going to go be doing xmas with my fat-hating immediate family and needed some self-directed-goodwill before wading into that crap.
Marvellous!
Back to frosting my cookies…
Brilliant =)
Yes, Meghan, it is a New England thing, but I think also a California thing, as my husband (from CA) and my mom’s entire family (from CT) insist that they’re ‘onts,’ but my dad’s family (Ohio) get weirded out if I call them anything other than an ‘ant.’
But anyway, the poem is SUPER AWESOME and I seriously think that we need to give some sort of award to A Sarah. Maybe the “Christmas Doesn’t Need Guilt” award? Maybe the “Your Parodies are Much Better than My Parodies” award?
Well, a virtual high-five in any case.
BRILLIANT. Just bloody brilliant. A Sarah, you should quit your day job!
Permission to repost, Captains?
Y’all, best concern troll ever in the mod queue:
I think that this is going to discourage the obese from abstaining from food around the holidays, when they might be more tempted than ever. Please take down this post.
I was just coming in to add to the chorus of a claim for A Sarah, but got distracted by that amazing concern troll.
Aren’t you going to listen, Sweet Machine? It never occurred to me, but the concern troll might be right! Possibly this poem will discourage people from having a shitty holiday season as is appropriate for all right thinking people!
I think that this is going to discourage the obese from abstaining from food around the holidays, when they might be more tempted than ever. Please take down this post.
I think that this comment is not going to discourage this obese obeser from Obesetown from extending both middle fingers and waving them about enthusiastically.
Thanks for this wonderful poem. It made my day, which is saying something, since in general the whole holiday season is more painful for me than a root canal & what I want most for any holiday is for it to be over. However, thanks for the smile & the body image boost. And happy holidays to all…& peace, healing,& comforting vibes for all of us who need them. And, just for the record, I eat what I damn well please every day & ‘the obese’ do not need to be ‘discouraged’ from enjoying food or life.
That is MAGNIFICENT.
The poem? Awesome. Especially the part about what dieting is. I’ll probably end up memorizing it.
Photoshopped. Family. Pictures. The mind boggles. I mean…the mind really boggles. Since when are family portraits art? They’re supposed to be documentary.
And the concern troll: oh, never mind. I had a whole snark typed out, and decided that it was wasting pearls before swine. I’d rather have my swine roasted with lots of garlic and a brandy reduction sauce.
We aren’t bothering to point out that you can’t abstain from food without, you know, death, right? Because that’s too easy.
Standing O
Um. That stands for ovation.
@Sniper,
Standing O
Um. That stands for ovation.
Aw. The other kind would have been more fun.
Oh, man. This is GREAT.
LOVE IT! Thanks for the post. It was just what I needed! :)
A Sarah, you win at life again.
Also? Best concern troll FTW!!11!!
So according to the concern troll, obese people should not be eating any food whatever over the Christmas season? Because we don’t deserve it, or because we somehow magically don’t need to eat?
Love the poem. And I am shaking my jelly at the concern troll.
Merry Christmas lovely shapelings! x
A Sarah, yer da awesomest!!
I love this!
i loved the poem, but the last line confuses me. *^_^* could someone explain it to me, please?
I think that this is going to discourage the obese from abstaining from food around the holidays, when they might be more tempted than ever. Please take down this post.
BWAH! And they really thought you’d say “okay, sorry” and delete it? Honestly, I do not understand people sometimes.
A Sarah, this is sooooper geeeenius.
Aw, you guys… I’m blushing. Thanks.
A wondrous Christmas miracle of a poem, A Sarah. Thanks so much!
Hey, I was thinking… you know, maybe concern troll actually meant “obese HIBERNATING BEARS” and it was just a typo that s/he left out the thing that “obese” was meant to modify. Because why would anyone leave an adjective hanging there like that? Particularly someone whose command of the English language is so grand, s/he knows what other people should have on their blogs better than the bloggers themselves. And I think hibernating bears indeed do abstain from food during the holidays in the northern hemisphere. Anyone know?
Bears do fast through the winter, because their metabolisms slow down to nothing and they go into a state in which they don’t expend much energy. I’m pretty sure bears also refrain from going online at these times, so I’m afraid the troll is not off the hook.
Ha! This is so awesome!
*wild applause*
That was fantastic!!!
A Sarah, that was brilliant, you are one talented woman :)
Hi ASarah: I found you! Very nice poem and what a weird coincidence! I was referred here by another friend who saw some good stuff ( and yes, indeed so ) and there you were! I’ve been trying to track you down since you posted such a nice comment on my new blog–the comments section seemed to suddenly vanish but then, just as suddenly, reappeared. At any rate, I was afraid that if you came and looked again, you might assume that I had deleted your comments but, in fact, I posted a comment to YOUR comment and was and am, very happy to have you reading. Stay in touch!
This is amazing!!!! More A Sarah please!!!!
I hate those laboured poems that people send round on those emails, which is why I tend to delete them on sight, but this was an absolute delight!
I should have said this earlier, but it was Tiffany’s brilliant idea to do this. I just followed her suggestion. :)
Mary Ray, the illustration is mine and you’re welcome to use it.
A Sarah, no, I’m pretty sure she meant The Obese. You know, the terrifying fat hivemind that must be stopped by any means necessary lest it absorb us all. Not actual fat people, who as we all know have to eat to live (and get to eat for enjoyment) like the rest of us.
the last line seems to say being thin feels good (which it does, just like being fat feels good, or being tall or short of medium) but seems out of place with the rest of poem.
Love the poem! Thanks for sharing this! You made my day.
Regarding the last line…there are fridge magnets to encourage dieting that say “Nothing tastes as good as thin feels” I remember that from my points counting days. So, my thought is it refers to that…somethings DO in fact taste better than thin!
OK, back to post-holiday yummy left-over cheese ball consumption :-)
Peace!
Are people really unfamiliar with the phrase “nothing tastes as good as thin feels”?
yes, but the poem says some things do taste as good as thin feels. which seems to say that you can either feel good (be thin) or eat things that taste yummy (and by extension not feel good, because you are fat.)
Oh, there’s no either/or intended. I hope for thin people’s sake that being thin feels good much of the time, at least for those with naturally thin bodies. Not being thin feels good much of the time too, for those whose bodies are not naturally thin. For me, for example, eating lillet sabayon with orange tuiles feels WAY better than being thin feels; because for me, being thin would mean I was doing things to make myself feel very bad indeed. Whereas lillet sabayon with orange tuiles, when I’m in a mood, makes me feel GREAT!
I see how you got to your interpretation, Ell, but I don’t think it’s the only possible meaning. The point is just to turn on its head the “Nothing tastes as good as thin feels” line from Weight Watchers. But thanks for the feedback.
which seems to say that you can either feel good (be thin) or eat things that taste yummy (and by extension not feel good, because you are fat.)
It doesn’t remotely seem to say that to me.
LOVE IT! And I’ve really missed Aunt Fattie, by the way.
which seems to say that you can either feel good (be thin) or eat things that taste yummy (and by extension not feel good, because you are fat.)
I don’t see how; it seems pretty clearly to be mocking the original saying that posits that idea.
Best holiday poem EVAR.
Now I want to wear tight pleather pants.
Awesomesauce. :)