Comments on: Miss Conduct on suspected anorexia

By: Sweet Machine

Sweet Machine — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 00:26:42 +0000

(((amandaw)))

By: Amanda

Amanda — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 00:01:44 +0000

I also say this as, ahem, a formerly stick-skinny person (see also) who was constantly accused of anorexia. And I use the word "accused" because that was the tone of it, most of the time. So much that even the softer, more "concerned" prompts were colored by the more self-righteous, gotcha-type, just-a-way-to-put-a-nonconventional-female-body-down prompts. Anyway, my husband is also (and always has been) stick-skinnier than I was, though he doesn't get those sorts of accusations quite so much. More than that, he gets jokes about who'd win in a fight. Twelve of one, half a dozen of the other, I guess.

By: amandaw

amandaw — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 23:45:51 +0000

I always feel unnecessarily harsh when I make this kind of point. But I do feel those sorts of attitudes are not just unhelpful, but actively harmful. You aren’t making her situation better — you’re helping refine her social defense skills so that she can hide it from you (and those like you) even better. So please, think more than just twice.

By: amandaw

amandaw — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 23:42:25 +0000

Yesterday, I had to come in to work a couple hours late (approved by my sup) due to an unreschedulable doctor’s appointment. Normally hubby drops me off and goes to park the car, but he wasn’t there. So I had to hurry up that long steep hill to the workplace.
And in doing so, out of breath and trembling and with a lowered sense of balance, I ended up falling into a pile of rocks face-first.

Fortunately my coat hood was up, so I sustained some bruising, but no serious scrapes or cuts.

But later that day my sup (who is a dear, sweet woman, whom I absolutely love, who has been an excellent person to me otherwise) came up to me and “joked”: “Are you sure Matt didn’t hit you or anything?” and laughed and walked away.

So, look. I grew up in an abusive family. I was not the one subject to physical abuse, but it was a dark and heavy cloud that hung over my head every single day. Any time I got a bruise Mom made me wear long pants or a sweater to cover it up, so no one would think she beat me. Because that was HER daily reality. And look – I was a CHILD, even one with a chronic pain condition, I was into everything and of course I got bruised and scraped up all over the damn place! But the first thought was always how to cover it up so no one thought anything sinister…

Having my boss come up to me and make that “joke” is just not funny. Having her come up and seriously ask – not funny either, not helpful. It just brings up painful memories and makes me feel like I am making excuses for an abuser — even though Matt is the furthest thing from abusive, and anyway, I FUCKING FELL.

So, look – this is broadly applicable. It’s none of your fucking business. I think the fact that my workplace has at least one poster per square yard of wall about the local DV shelters and so forth, and the fact that I know my sup would be supportive if that WAS the case, is more than enough. But take it from an abuse victim raised by a cadre of abuse victims. When someone makes that kind of comment, you don’t break down and ask them for help. 99.99999999992% of the time, you IMMEDIATELY put up a wall and make sure to isolate yourself from this person, to put up a careful appearance of innocence in front of them. It has the potential to make things much, much, MUCH worse.

The best way to help in these situations? Help strengthen institutional support. People in bad situations will take advantage of those support systems when they feel ready — but for as long as they’re having to defend themselves against people they know personally (including acquaintances) they aren’t going to feel ready, because they’re going to be further mired in that defensive wall-building, protecting themselves from having someone like you make any more of those kinds of comments at them.

Dos centavos, mis amig@s.

By: Mary Sue

Mary Sue — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 15:54:54 +0000

Caro said, does anyone else here want to add anything about how they’ve dealt with family members? Especially when the concern is always couched as “I’m worried about your health.”

My best answer is always “My doctor and I agree I am healthy.”

After that, I get my rude on and start explaining the HIPAA rules to them in detail. It helps that I work in healthcare administration and have these things memorized.

By: Lidon

Lidon — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 00:34:51 +0000

Isabel: “…I do think there are many situations where a teacher of a child or even a young adult does have the right to express concern over a student’s mental health either to the student, to the parent, or to someone in the school who is more qualified in matters of mental health.”

Well, teachers typically are mandated reporters so if any kind of abuse or neglect of a minor is suspected, they’re legally obligated to report it to child welfare authorities.

By: KM

KM — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 14:08:12 +0000

Thanks for this post. This is a tough issue. I’ve been extremely thin all my life, but it’s just my metabolism. I hated my body in my youth because of all the people who were “concerned about my health.” My gym teacher pestered me, the other girls insulted me, adults asked me whether I was eating. I felt like no one would just leave me alone and accept my body for what it was. No one ever said anything positive about my body. I used to try to force myself to eat massive quantities of food and would end up with stomachaches.

Just be careful how you approach someone with a “concern,” because all those concerned people sure didn’t help me any.

By: Nancy Lebovitz

Nancy Lebovitz — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 06:23:12 +0000

It’s my impression that naturally thin people have a decent chance of noticing that society is insane on the subject of fatness. They keep getting complimented on something that they know is just a matter of luck, and that can function as a clue.

By: Piffle

Piffle — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 22:34:30 +0000

I was in a similar situation once, where a new neighbor’s child looked very thin to me. She hung out at another neighbors a lot, so what I did was ask that neighbor if she knew anything; and she said that the girl ate like a horse at her house, so I figured out that she’s just naturally thin. They’ve been here about three years now and the girl seems to grow normally and is clearly hitting puberty; but is still very thin while being healthy.

I think if I hadn’t had the other neighbor to ask, I’d probably been a lot more worried about her.

By: Sweet Machine

Sweet Machine — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 22:30:55 +0000

notemily, we should form a club!