Today in Things that Make You Fat and Things that Make You Thin

Things that make you fat, based on a Google news search of the last few days. 

How fast you eat

A high-fructose diet

Genes/faulty dopamine receptors

School vending machines

Your fat mom’s uterus

Car-reliance

Watching too much TV

Crappy food labeling

A history of dieting (hallefuckinlujah!)

And things that make you thin…

Pokok kaduk

A gene mutation

Tart cherries

Yet another new obesity drug

Please note that with the exception of genes and a history of dieting, every single thing on the list of things that make you fat (IT’S SCIENCE) is something judgy people frown upon in its own right. Could it be that some folks are using the vague threat of fat to push their own moral agendas? MY GOD.

Also, I’m thinking this will be a weekly feature. Maude knows we’ll never run out of material.

40 thoughts on “Today in Things that Make You Fat and Things that Make You Thin

  1. Hell, I think judgy people would judge you on your genes, too. And your history of dieting (“you’re doing it wrong!”).

  2. Some people will just never stop looking for ways in which they are better than the people around them. And that’s just sad, because we all know none of them will ever be even close to as good as me. :: dramatic hair flip::

  3. At least the pokok kaduk article gave me a couple of laughs:

    “pipersarmentosum” reminds me of santorum… hehe

    “Nobesiti” is a hilarious name for a drug, and also reminds me of the ignorant folks in my town with their “NOBAMA” signs. Let’s just at “no” to the beginning of all things we don’t like that begin with “O.” Noreos.

  4. I’m just commenting because everyone else with lobster arms on their monster seems to be commenting, but also because I wanted to say how much I love the word “judgy.”

  5. Jesus, Tari, that’s awful. Though I guess that’s why there’s splenda.

    Other news: eating food you can’t digest can make you sick!

  6. FJ, you rule. (You too, Yorke.) As soon as I saw Yorke’s comment, I tried to come up with a list of No– things, but I was too lazy. All I really had was “Nolives,” which doesn’t quite work and “Noprah,” which I only half believe in.

  7. I notice that the nobesiti thing ‘retards the growth of blood vessels.’ Aside from making you thin, it seems like that could also kill you. Don’t you need blood vessels?

  8. hehehehehe

    Hey, so the flaky musician apparently can’t keep track of all the links she’s copying and pasting over the course of a morning. Here’s the one I meant to post.

    Sorry about that….

  9. John and I lived near a restaurant for a while that had a sign out front that said said “MSG” and “Oily” inside of red slash/circle thingies (like in Ghostbusters?). We called that restaurant Noily.

  10. @Tari

    Well they’ll have to pay the authors of Good Omens if they make any money off that. Sounds exactly like the fast food that Famine was shilling ;).

  11. I better go tell my fat mom that it’s the fault of her and her uterus that I am fat. Wait a minute, though. My mother’s younger child isn’t fat. I guess her uterus became slim between times.

    Also, “uterus” is now one of those “I typed it too often and now it’s weird” words.

  12. About judgers, it made me remember:
    I was just in Disneyland and saw in a window at Tomorrowland (by the Star Wars shop) a T-Shirt that I momentarily thought was brilliant:

    “Judge me by my size, do you?”

    I went running into the store to see if it came in XL and XXL, 3X, etc. Unfortunately, this great Yoda quote comes only in kid sizes and on the back has Yoda being measured for a “You must be this tall to ride” and wearing Mickey ears. So.. the shirt is all about height. Too bad. (It goes into XXL in kids’ sizes.)

    I want a Cafe Press shirt that simply says the line from the front, and coming in all sizes! I really liked the idea.

    Yoda:
    “Judge me by my size, do you? And well you should not –for my ally is the force and a powerful ally it is.” (I only need the first statement on the shirt though, not the whole quote)

  13. Did anyone see the MSN thing about secrets of the “effortlessly thin” that involved all of those effortless things like not eating and exercising obsessively?

  14. Semi-related – has anyone seen the ads on MySpace saying, “I lost 40 pounds in 2 weeks and so can you!!!”? What the fuck? I keep taking screen grabs of them.

  15. It kind of sucks that the solution to women who gain too much weight during pregnancy because they are all messed up from dieting is to monitor their food and activity while pregnant. I mean, I guess it makes sense in a way because you aren’t going to be able to automatically un-fuck your relationship with food without help the second you have a baby in you, but this highlights to me the need to have a society where women don’t have a screwed up relation to food in the first place. Also, it occurs to me that maybe they aren’t all going totally nuts and overeating while pregnant like the article suggests… maybe the excess weight gain above baseline is natural rebound from dieting due to a pregnant body needing more food.

  16. A quote from the website Tari posted:

    ” “It would be very helpful to reduce people’s calorific levels by stealth, so they don’t notice there’s been a change,” Pearson said. “People don’t want to completely change their lifestyle and stop eating. … This lets them indulge again.” ”

    …so eating is indulging? wtf??

  17. Elizabeth, yes, that MSN thing bugged me, too, because “effortlessly thin” implies that they aren’t doing anything special to maintain their thinness. Which means, by definition, that there’s nothing to write an article about.

    I actually think I permanently blew a gasket in my brain contemplating that. (Without reading the article, even).

  18. I just wanna say that if eating tart cherries make you thin, I would be able to wear a Kleenex box for a dress.

    As for the reconstituted indigestible food? I’m wondering if I could just find a way to bottle my irritable bowl syndrome and sell it. Same thing, ya know.

    (quick sad story–I go my first IBS attack at 23 and my dr said it was from eating too much fat. I told him all I’d eaten the day it happened was a salad. His response? “Well, there’s fat in dressing. You need to cut out ALL fat.” I tried and quickly developed hypoglycemia that I struggle with today. And the IBS? My rock star RNP fixed the illness that plagued four generations of my mother’s family in two weeks with Zoloft.)

  19. a natural and much healthier way to cure IBS is with probiotics…which actually corrects the flora and therefore heals the gut….20 years of hard core IBS gone for me….and I don’t have to take a toxic medication…I highly recommend probiotics and enzymes…it takes a while longer but it’s permanently healing you naturally.

    Zoloft does not do that….it changes your body in ways not understood by science.

  20. From the link Tari mentioned, this article:

    “People don’t want to completely change their lifestyle and stop eating. … This lets them indulge again.”

    Apparently the secret to becoming thin is to stop eating. Entirely. Eating is only a necessary biological function for the thin. For us fatties, it’s an indulgence we can’t resist because, you know, fatties and our lack of willpower and all.

  21. giannakali — with respect, I’ve recently started taking Zoloft (two weeks in) and all it does so far is make me be not suicidal. I’m willing to trade ‘unknown by science’ for the ability to wake up without wanting to die.

  22. On ways to cure IBS, my husband had it until he got his gallbladder yanked. Not sure what the mechanism is for the cure, but it worked; plus it got rid of the pain from the chronic inflammation of the gallbladder itself, curing the IBS was simply icing.

  23. Lindra,
    I wasn’t talking to you, nor would I have made such a comment to you.

    I’m glad you’re safe now.

    Zoloft made me extremely ill in numerous ways but I would never mess with the decision you made…..it’s not at all the same as what Miz H was talking about.

    I wish you the best.

  24. Gianna, I’m glad to hear that, and I apologise for my knee-jerk comment.

    As it happens, I agree with you on probiotics, natural gut flora, etc., and that is what I am working on for my own intestinal issues. But the case is also that yes, it takes a while longer — and for some people, it can take much, much longer. What to do in the meantime? IBS is — as I gather you know quite well — a painful condition. If Zoloft helped her in the interim (and I would suspect that her gut etc. began recovering when it did), then I see no reason to condemn that. Yes, in principle, gut flora first, etc. But in my experience, long term treatment often doesn’t take into account the pain of the interim between the start of medication (whatever form that medication takes) and the desired result, and in my reading of Miz H’s comment, Zoloft filled that gap.

  25. LilahCello: YES I HAVE seen the ads on myspace…and i’m so over it. I don’t look at anything weight oriented on my personal computer at home, and i want to know why that garbage has to be stuffed down my throat since it shows up 3-4 times on the same page! GRRRR. ARGH.

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