Not that anyone here *needs* that story, but.

Btw, I am not kidding when I say I am learning a lot. It is good too, because weight worries have been in my mind since I can remember, thanks to family. A lot of people around me are really terrible about it, including myself before I saw how screwed up it was. I am rather disgusted at that and things I used to think, say, and parrot. *sigh*

- Rode 40km (24.85 miles) a day, every day, on my exercise bike
- Did at least 1 1/2 hours of stretching and weight exercises every day
- Was strictly vegetarian, ate no processed foods, cut out tea, coffee, soft drinks and nearly all dairy products and needless to say absolutely no sugar of any kind
- I also walked everywhere I possibly could

It was all lovely until I could no longer maintain my exercise routine because of work pressures and my longing for some variety in my diet could no longer be stemmed.

That weight piled back on PDQ. Yet I wasn’t gorging on food. I was eating pretty much like everyone else around me. I still managed to exercise moderately on a regular basis but that weight came back any way.

So now I’m supposed to go back to a life that revolved around exercise and (a lack of) food? I don’t bloody think so.

I now walk to work every week day (45 minutes a day at a brisk pace) and I think that is a reasonable amount of daily exercise. I do it because I’m having health problems, not to lose weight. I’m making changes to my diet, not to lose weight, but because I want to improve my health. I refuse to starve myself. I’ll eat if I’m hungry and if I want to have a snack I’ll bloody well have one…guilt-free.

I’m 1.68m tall (5’6″) and now weigh 91kg (200lbs). This is the heaviest I’ve ever been. I’m not a miserable ball of insecurity but neither am I at a place where I have no insecurities or body image issues.

Sometimes I feel down. I miss being able to wear anything I want. I worry if my lovers find me unattractive (though neither of them has ever commented on my weight or ever hinted they find me less attractive because of my weight). But those are all issues I’m working on and will get through in my own time and in my own way.

Finding sites like this one and hearing from wonderful women all over the world, who face the most appalling ignorance and cruelty and respond with wit, intelligence and feistiness, makes a difference in my life. Thank you, all of you.

FIFTEEN POUNDS.

Dude. My LEFT TIT ALONE is fifteen pounds. And the right one’s probably fourteen more.

General comment: why does every idiot think that we would prioritise being thin over everything else in our lives? Hell, for me, maintaining mental health currently depends on having those hours every evening to unwind and forget. I’d rather be fat and functioning than thin and a nervous wreck.

I don’t do well under lots of pressure, which, between the app for JET going online, the fact that I haven’t studied for my GRE in days, the need to do JET, GRE, and two grad school apps, and now the taking on of the (albeit very brief and monetarily VERY needed) temp job to supplement the part time job, and lately my friends are all wondering where I am and when they will see me… I feel like the next time someone says a word, my brains will be on the ceiling from the headsplodey.

So… yeah. I will try hard to channel Inner Mom for enough peace to sleep. Thank you, very much.

I’M SO SICK OF IT. Today was EXHAUSTING. I just took a temp job where my mom works, and it’s at a nursing/ home care office. The job, filing, was boring but fine, and the ladies there all very wonderful and nice, but all in the health care industry and all hook, line, and sinker into the party line on Fat (including my mother who is a nurse). The self-bashing, the hateful fat talk, and the endless diet and “good foods/ bad foods” talk was really annoying and really wearying, really fast. And it never stops there, and I was there for eight hours, after another of my sleepless nights (thanks insomnia… I should be in bed now btw, but I’m up writing this because I’m too sick with rage and depression to sleep).

Fast forward to tonight, after a long day and I’m tired, and I just want to take a nice hot shower and go the fuck to bed. I strip, I turn on the water, and it’s freezing freaking cold. Mom comes in to check the water (doesn’t believe me that the heater’s not working without checking herself I guess) and of course starts in on the comments about my fucking body, which makes me want to KILL THINGS. Mom, I don’t care how much you love me and believe that fat will kill me and earnestly don’t want me to die. I don’t even care that my sister’s death makes you extra paranoid about your remaining children. I don’t give a flying motherfucking fuck about the wholesome intentions behind your barbs. Don’t. Care. MY body. MINE, YOU BOSSY BROAD. MINE MINE MINE MINE MY MOTHERFUCKING BODY IS MIIIIIIIIIINE!!!!!!!!

I don’t care what you say, mother. My body is MINE. I DO INDEED LOOK FINE, despite your bullshit to the contrary. I have plenty of “pride in myself,” so much so, in fact, that I don’t waste any of my life conforming to false ideals because I take PRIDE from WHO I AM, NOT WHAT I FUCKING LOOK LIKE, KTHNX AND FOR FUCK’S SAKE. And I’d like to add that, if it’s so disgusting that I “look pregnant,” then why the fuck do you always go around pointing out how “cute” pregnant women are? PICK ONE.

FUCK EVERYTHING. And then I get on here thinking I’ll read wedding fluffy stuff for some cheer and BAM, it’s more politics and more fat hate and frankly, I think I’d like perfectly well to crawl in a hole and DIE there, right about now. I’m really feeling pretty bottom of the barrel at the moment. I don’t even have a friend I can call at this hour.

I wonder how many of those evil calories it would burn to weep uncontrollably for three to four hours a day?

I was fortunate enough to be part of a study like this when I was right out of grad school, and we were tracked for 15 days to see how many calories we burned during our daily activities. (We could see our results on a watch-like thing that told us approximate calories burned at that moment. It was really cool!)

Although stuff like housecleaning, grocery shopping, cooking, washing dishes, doing laundry, folding clothes, rocking in a rocking chair, watering your vegetable garden, playing with and carrying a toddler, playing piano, and taking out the trash — all this stuff doesn’t contribute to CARDIOVASCULAR health the way aerobic exercise does, but it IS considered moderate activity, and contributes to the Surgeon General’s recommendations.

I think before people start going batshit about having to walk for four hours a day, they need to look at the actual Surgeon General’s recommendations, and what constitutes moderate and vigorous activity.

Well, you were kind of busy. I hope you were able to somehow ban batguano with extreme prejudice, the kind of bannination that leaves a mark.

lol! That is too funny. First off because every expert on weight loss I’ve heard is quick to say that sex does not count as exercise and also because I know the sex I have is not that great of exercise. Other people may have sex with a wider range of movements and activity, but that’s not generally my goal in sex.

But also the idea that the problem is that fat people never have sex! That’s the answer! You only need to do 3-4 hours of excercise a day for a little while until you get thin enough to have sex and then you just have sex! Whether you want to or not because it is required for staying thin!
(and don’t tell me about your significant others, everyone knows those are just hallucinations caused by the fat.)

I’m also very amused by the idea that all I need to do is take a few months to do nothing but walking, camping and getting in touch with nature. Why didn’t I ever think of that? I’ll just go ahead and do that right now. I’m sure my professors will excuse my absenses and pretend I did the work, along with my internship, and then all I need to do is quit my job and live on no income. I’m paid hourly with no paid vacation ever, so the only option there is to quit. But I’m sure there will be some wild berries or something on this trek, so it will be ok!

I know, I know don’t feed the trolls, but this one was just too funny! Seriously loling right now!