Arwen: Thanks so much. I have been trying to learn not to compare myself to others so much, but I do believe it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I simply don’t know where to start. It comes back to the thing with my boyfriend: why would he be with me when he could be with her? And her? And her? Well, it’s because our personalities mix in exactly the right ways, and he LOVES my body. Covets it. Can’t get enough of my round ass. And it’s not like I want to be skinny, or even society’s definition of “thin”, but when I was thinNER, I was actually happy. I didn’t really want to be any smaller. And I don’t know why, because of how great I felt when I exercised regularly (having so much energy and feeling so healthy), I can’t start doing that again. I can’t pinpoint what’s holding me back. So I think that’s one of the bigger issues. Because even though I have found a group of people in you guys who share the same mentality as me in thinking that fat does not equal unhealthy, I feel incompetent compared to you (there’s that word again), because you all are the healthy versions, and I’m the worst representation of the fat population (in my own mind).

Ugh. It tires me out just thinking all that stuff….At least it’s Friday.

apropos of the “why are there so few FA people in the south” bit of the conversation, I absentmindedly went over to CNN’s webpage (I know, first mistake…) only to be faced by the headline “South Leads Nation in Obesity”… Make of that what you will.

Oh my GOD, Arwen, yes. I just needed to see that repeated. And I may have to post it somewhere visible, like my forehead, for easy access in case of mirror-related confusion.

Also, I doubt other people’s heads sound exactly like your own self-doubt. I find people who dislike me almost never dislike what I hate most about myself anyway. “Huh? That’s what you picked to dislike me about? But that’s silly. Pick, um, this HORRIBLE FLAW…. no, no, not that one – THIS ONE…
No. You’re not hating me right.
…God. Do I have to do all the me hating around here?”

But even if you were right about what other people think of you, there are a lot of assholes in the world: but eventually we have to stop doing their work for them. When you’re hating on yourself, stand up to the asshole voice there. It’s not right they should get to live in your head. They’re not even paying RENT. There are also a lot of good people in the world, and you won’t be able to see them if you let the assholes speak for them.

My best friend of 14 years invited me to celebrate her birthday in Las Vegas this year. That sounds great, right? Except, well, um…no. Not so much. Because of all my girlfriends who’ve gone through “fat phases”, I am the only one who has stayed in it.

J and I were fat together in high school (and if only I could be “fat” like that again), and though it bothered us–her more than me–we had a great time and lived our lives. Until a few years ago, that’s how things were…we continued to gain, me more than her, but she was always bigger than I was, and in a sick way, I think I felt better because of it.

Then, 4 years ago, I pursued a diet her sister was doing that essentially meant starving yourself but using acupressure to tell your body you aren’t starving. A load of honkey, I’m sure, but I lost a lot of weight in a very short period. As I was doing so, so was she, and we both became the “skinny” girls we always wanted to be. Suddenly our lives opened up (because of our new confidence, I should add). After losing the weight the unhealthy way, we both maintained by exercising regularly and eating a sensible diet–which basically just meant eating baby carrots instead of potato chips, etc. It felt great; I had more energy than I ever thought I could have.

Part of the reason working out regularly was so easy was because I worked at a gym; when I lost that job, then got evicted and then ended up living on J’s couch, I was forced to move home to Vermont from Nashville. There I was diagnosed with bipolar and put on Depakote (which is a sick joke played on me by someone, because I’m not really bipolar and was just having a drug thrown at me–a fat girl, being tossed a drug known to cause weight gain). The weight came back on pretty quickly, at least up to a point. Before I knew it, I was back where I started before the diet. However, J was one of those “freaks” who has never really gained the weight back. She works out regularly most of the time (I guess; we don’t talk about it, and I don’t live near her now), and avoids “bad” foods.

Needless to say, I am desperately envious of her for this, mostly because I don’t know where to find the motivation to exercise. Earlier on the phone I mentioned my desire for some Oreos, andshe mentioned that she hadn’t had one in nearly two years. This made me feel so many things: weak, fat, lazy, disgusting, awful, miserable, depressed, and unworthy. This happens to me a lot with her; I am always comparing myself to others, especially her, and my lack of ability to lose weightagain (or motivation to really do so), has made me feel like I don’t even want to see her, much less spend a weekend in Las Vegas with her and her thin friends.

The stupid thing is, she doesn’t care. The stupider thing is, I’M the one with a boyfriend. Not that that’s a measure of worthiness, but…I hope you know what I mean. Being thin was always about finding a guy for me, and now I have one (who I met while fat) and…I honestly don’t know why he’s with me most of the time–because I’m fat, and I feel like that makes me undesirable. And on top of that, I feel like Ican’t talk to him about it because I feel like he’s going to leave me because I don’t love myself.

The worst part is, I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about it, because I feel like they don’t know how to talk to me about it, like it makes them uncomfortable, because they’re relieved not to be in my position anymore. My three closest girlfriends have, as I said, all gained and lost weight, and remain fairly slim. I am the lone fat one. And even though I’ve known these girls for more than ten years, it makes me feel like not being with them. Even when I meet new people–like my coworkers, who are mostly female and all thin–I find myself confused that they actually want to talk to me, because in my mind, why would they? I’m fat, and therefore unwantable.

I can’t stop crying as I write this, because these scars are so old and so deep, and I don’t know how to heal them. Every therapist I’ve ever gone to responds to my complaints about my self esteem regarding my weight with, “but you look great!” (even the eating disorder specialist). That’s awesome that they think so, but I think I look horrendous. I feel like an elephant among a flock of flamingos. And not in an elegant, nature way.

The bottom line is, I feel like there’s something wrong with me, because it seems they’ve all finally gotten it “right”. I’m trying so hard to believe in what you all are saying, but as many have said, I feel like it’s so hard to apply it to myself. It’s great to feel confident about fat, and I believe bigotry about it is wrong, but I still have my Fantasy of Being Thin. And I don’t know how to let it go and just be happy with the wonderful friends I already have. Because despite the fact that they love me, they wouldn’t go back to being fat no matter what. And I don’t blame them for that.