When I look into mirrors or at pictures of myself I feel like I’m always looking at a stranger. Does anyone have a clear idea of how they really look? Are others looking at us the same way? That would be a great topic for a post.

I am an artist. I am also a naturally thin person who suffered from very disordered eating and body hatred for most of my life (I am currently 21, reflecting back on my middle school, high school, and early college experiences). It was not until I had done many many self portraits that it finally sunk in that yes, this is what I actually look like. So, to answer your question, I can’t imagine that most people know what they look like. I know that I didn’t. Seeing yourself is something that takes a lot of time and concentrated effort. Without my art i really believe I still would not know what I look like. My self-image exaggerated all my features, so I felt I had these huge eyes and fishcheeks, and I frequently find myself running to a mirror to make sure my worst fears about my appearance hadn’t come true. The corollary to this is that I felt if I ever stopped thinking about and “controlling” (in quotes because obviously we don’t control what we look like or how much we weigh) all day every day, my external appearance would suddenly collapse and my internal, negative self-image would come true!

I encourage anyone who can relate to the above quote, who has to look in the mirror to remember what they look like, to try to draw themselves, or even trace themselves from a picture, so they can see what the lines of their face actually are. It’s so effing incredible to me how much I physically could not even see myself through the hatred I had for my appearance prior to learning to draw.

Well, at the same time I lost muscle, a lot. My bench press max went from 165lbs to struggling to lift 135lbs, for example. I got into rock climbing, and enjoyed it a lot, but ended up giving myself tendinitis in my fingers so bad I could barely open doors or use a shovel for months. Bowling still gives me some pain, and this was years ago. My time for running a mile first went down since I had less mass to move around, but then it went up again as I had less muscle and energy in my legs to move at all.

I was so frustrated since I was doing everything “right” and yet I wasn’t looking like the hunky magazine ad, I looked like a cancer patient. I went to my doctor with a list of what I ate and what I was doing, and he said “looks good” and pulled out a BMI wheel and dialed me in and then said “keep up the good work, here’s some naproxen for your fingers.”

I was so malnourished at the time I couldn’t think straight, which is why I kept obsessively starving myself. Not too long after that, I met my (now) wife who loves me for who I am, not the body I could never maintain, and that acceptance was freeing, and I began to accept myself as well. I started eating “normally” again and yeah, over the next few years I put back on EVERY POUND I lost, and no more. My set point is just that set. I also got stronger again without even working out and I’ve been tremendously happy since.

Keep up the good work, Kate. I wish someone had slapped me with a dose of the sanity found in this blog while I was off starving myself.

Your body is not a computer, people. You can give it all the commands you want, and it might still tell you to fuck off.

I actually DO worry about it, because I’m thirsty all the time (yes, my blood sugar is fine). “But I SHOULDN’T be thirsty…I just had a big glass of water!” “It’s so embarrassing that I want to pee again, I just went!”

I guess I’m more than the usual level of insane.

Passed one on Rt. 1 in southern Alexandria, VA, yesterday. How weird is that?

Oh, and Coke with vanilla syrup (like, the kind you use in lattes and things) is a million times better than Vanilla Coke. I mean, it’s not sugar, it’s hfcs, but if that’s ok with you, I highly recommend it.