Attempting to Personalize Spam: UR DOIN IT RONG

I just received an e-mail that begins:

hey there! I’m embarking on  weight loss scheme, in 90 days, and I’ve been inspired by your blog.

Yeeeeah. No, you haven’t. Unless you mean you look at us fatties for “thinspiration,” in which case, you probably wouldn’t be so stupid as to ask me to link to your weight loss blog. And you are indeed that stupid. 

Dude (who’s in his late teens) goes on to add:

Weight affects everyone, and with child obesity on the rise, I feel that people like me need promoting, to show that no all kids are lazing around getting to the size of whales!

Consider yourself promoted here, genius.

My inbox isn’t like this every day, but it is a lot of days, and I’m not alone. Fucking keywords.

28 thoughts on “Attempting to Personalize Spam: UR DOIN IT RONG

  1. to show that no all kids are lazing around getting to the size of whales!

    For some reason this made me think WHALE PEOPLE which made me think MERMAIDS which totally made me think MERMAID EPIDEMIC!

    And then I was like heee! Mermaid epidemic. That’s an epidemic I could get behind. “Oh noes! I caught the ability to breathe underwater!”

    Hehehe. *is amused*

  2. I totally want a mermaid epidemic!

    One of my favorite bits of writing for the Manolosphere is that I get to see what winds up in the spam catcher. It never ceases to amaze and amuse me how many people were just discussing the subject of Manolo for the Brides the other day and wonder what made me choose to write on that subject…and then link to some bizarre porn site or offer the best possible prices on Viagra.

    Silly spammers. I enjoy the exercise of pointing and laughing.

  3. Hahaha-HA-HA!

    And when the idiot is the size of a whale because crash diet after crash will have “failed” maybe he’ll come back and actually READ this blog and learn a thing or two!

  4. MrsDrC – Only if he actually goes on his diet himself.

    I keep thinking that many weight loss/fitness industry folk are mostly naturally thin, they just use being thin as a marketing move. Cause of course the right diet/exercise will turn 400lb me into a 125lb maven, right?

  5. If he’s fat now and trying to lose weight, does that mean that at some point he DID “laze around and get to the size of a whale?” Coz man, I’ve been lazing around for MONTHS, and I’m only the size of a fat girl.

  6. sarawr, me, too! Despite having no time in the last six months to do anything other than eat quick convenient meals, study, work, and sometimes sleep, I still fail to get any larger than fat girl sized. When is it MY turn to have a blowhole?

  7. I’m promoting him to the top of my “Totally Clueless” list, myself.

    Middle daughter wants to be part of the mermaid epidemic, but second son would rather be a whale (an orca, to be specific)…

  8. A little perspective to these spammers who think they are oh so clever with their whale references:

    Whales weigh up to 45 tons, OK? Please tell me the last time you’ve seen a 45 ton human child.

  9. @Sarah Honey I Blew Up The Kid…but, uh, that was so not real. I mean, that couldn’t happen, could it? And does it count if he wasn’t “fat” for a giant child?

    Oh, dude. Think of how many baby flavored donuts that would make. *off to patent invention for baby flavored revolution* Mmmmmmm.

  10. Now I keep singing “getting to the size of whales!” in my head to the tune of “owner of a lonely heart”

    (Less glibly, this actually gave me a misty-eyed moment, believe it or not. My four-year-old loves whales so much. He has a poster of them on his wall, plays with whale figurines, draws whales, ropes his dad and me into playing the getting-directions-from-a-whale scene from Finding Nemo. He’d be so excited to think that he could get to be as big as a whale. I wonder how long until he realizes that that’s meant to be an insult. And I wonder how long until he realizes that the fact that he plays with whale figurines while the other boys in his preschool class play with Transformers may be a basis for his exclusion.)

  11. Even when I was really really insecure about my weight (which has ballooned recently due to some psychiatric meds recently) I never understood the “whale” comparison. Whales are so pretty. So I guess, if you compare me to a whale, I must say thank you, they’re graceful, they sing beautifully and they’re quite athletic. *shrug* Our local genius here just doesn’t get it.

  12. A Sarah: Tooootally unrelated to the OP, but your post about your son’s love of whales made me think of Alexis Gosselin (one of the sextuplets on the annoying-yet-addictive reality show Jon and Kate Plus 8). She’s an adorable four-year-old who loves reptiles, especially alligators–she even carries a huge plastic gator with her everywhere and kisses it. And the first thing I thought of when I saw this cute little girl who adores scaly, slithering creatures was that other little girls would soon be telling her how gross and icky reptiles are and how she should like Barbies or Disney princesses or something.

    But yeah, it really bums me out that difference can be such a problem, even when it comes to kids’ interests.

  13. *wants to be a whale, too*

    Coz man, I’ve been lazing around for MONTHS, and I’m only the size of a fat girl.

    I’ve been lazing around for YEARS and I’m only the size of an average woman. Beat that. :P (Next up: Person who claims to have been lazing around for his or her entire LIFE and is not only skinny, but short!)

    Mermaid epidemic. Oh my. I love you guys.

  14. Next up: Person who claims to have been lazing around for his or her entire LIFE and is not only skinny, but short!)

    I can almost do that! Except around age 18 I stopped lazing and started skating and walking a lot (big campus, no car). Still short, though.

  15. I would just like to point out that a whale is a wish your heart makes.

    I know it makes no sense. And yet, it is in my head.

  16. A Sarah – Have he seen Whale Rider? It’s such an awesome movie on a whole lot of fronts, not least of which is the love for and saving of a whale.

  17. Kids these days get to laze around and get to the size of whales?!? They have it sooo good!

    Back in my day we got kicked out of the house to go play, no lazing for us, and we had to walk uphill (BOTH WAYS) to the 7-11 to get a Slurpee. It was like living in an MC Escher print, except we had frosty beverages. . .

  18. What the hell? Who even responds to these ads? There much be a huge supply of idiots out there if the spam keepings on coming. Lame.

  19. JOHN FREEMAN, WHO WAS GORDON FREEMAN’S BROTHER, WAS ONE DAY IN AN OFFICE, TYPING ON A COMPUTER…

  20. Oooh, Arwen, thanks! We’re always on the lookout for movies that actually encourage the behaviors we want to encourage. I think we’ll order that today.

  21. oh, Google Alerts. How you love to frequently include random and unrelated pages to the actual keyword you’re set to.

    Seriously…my alerts are for things like “feminism” “body image” “reproductive rights” etc, and not too long ago I got a link to this kid’s livejournal entry about how he’d been accepted to the University of Georgia (which, coincidentally, is my alma mater – but I don’t have an alert set up for it).

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