Comments on: Ask Aunt Fattie: Why was I left out of the fat girls’ weekend getaway?

By: Rebecca

Rebecca — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 16:28:17 +0000

‘Not-so-Big’ wasn’t invited to the festivities, so it was slightly presumptious of her to invite herself. However, it sounds like a genuine misconception made on NSB’s part, a misconception that people make every day. It often happens where someone believes they’re invited to somewhere when in fact they are not.

And fair enough, it is a pretty awkward misconception for the people who are involved in the festivities to clear up. But for this K woman to bring up size an issue is disgusting. If size is really such an issue for her, then K should be ditched. Surely being called ‘not fat enough’ for festivities is equally as insulting as being called ‘too fat’?

One of my best friends is a self-confessed ‘big girl’, and she wouldn’t dream of not inviting me along to somewhere using my weight as an excuse. There had to be a better reason than that. K doesn’t deserve friends if this is how she treats them. Sounds to me like she’s made some new friends because they are as big as she is: what a shallow foundation to lay for a friendship.

By: misha

misha — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 02:50:04 +0000

If NSBBB was in on the original planning of the beach weekend thing then she should not be disinvited later, that just doesn’t seem right. I think there could be kind of a “grandfather clause” allowign her to attend even if it’s just the one time. I just feel uncomfortable with the idea of her being excluded based on weight alone when she would originally have been included before the “big girls” theme developed. I understand about safe spaces but this just seemed extreme to me, presumably these are a group of friends who are comfortable with each other so why exclude a person just because she’s not fat enough to count as a “big girl” in the big girls’ beach club. It would be understandable if that was the basis of the original trip but it seemed like it was a post hoc idea to define it as big girls only so unfair to disinvite people on that basis. Honourary membership could be extended to NSBBB to avoid hurting a friend’s feelings. I usually agree with Aunt Fattie’s advice but this time I keep thinking about the hurt feelings of the excluded person and I would err on the side of including her at least the one time.

By: Kristen

Kristen — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 01:24:16 +0000

I just wanted to say that I really liked Aunt Fattie’s response here because she simply, clearly, and kindly explained the dynamics of privilege in this situation, which can be really hard to do. I’ve been having difficulty dealing with some of the fatphobic things one of my friends has been posting in her blog recently, and I think the problem is that she refuses to see “thin” as a category of privilege equivalent to “white” and “male”, and when I say that she should be more compassionate when she talks about fat or try to engage her in a debate over the facts, she accuses me of attacking her (and at this point, I actually am just too irate to respond). It’s hard to point out someone else’s privilege without sounding either angry (if you do not share that privilege) or self-righteous (if you do), because you are basically telling someone she’s ignorant (even if you don’t phrase it that way) and it can be easy to unload a lot of baggage once you get going, especially if she initially refuses to acknowledge your point. And likewise, it’s hard to be on the receiving end of what might seem like a tidal force of anger over what seems to be a really trivial matter. Talking about things and letting each person say her piece is really important–besides resolving tensions in a friendship before they grow into resentment, it can lead to more social awareness and a better idea of how to handle such conversations in the future. It takes a pretty strong friendship to be able to do this, though it sounds like NSBBB and K have this :)

By: Tari

Tari — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 02:12:55 +0000

Told you she was a better activist than I.

Whatever. Not better, just different! We’re all beautiful snowflakes here…

By: AR

AR — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 01:45:19 +0000

I understand it isn’t the job of a person without some sort of privilege to sugar coat things or use soft words to make it easier on the privileged party, but by not being considerate aren’t we not being thoughtful of our educational privilege?
As others have said, let me know if i am way off base…

I think there is a huge difference between sugar coating things and trying not to use language that is mostly only understood by people with a college education. Of course sometimes such terms are best, and then I think you simply have to explain to someone who doesn’t know them. Which can be done.
I think not knowing what “privilege” is, has more to do with exposure to anti-oppression movements than with education. I can’t think of anyone I know who doesn’t know what privilege means, even those without a college education.

But I certainly do know some people who seem incapable to discussing oppression and privilege without using terms people without their college degree wouldn’t often be familiar with, and without making references to this writer and that philosopher et cetera. So I think the issue of using language that excludes people who for reasons of oppression didn’t get the same education, is certainly an issue.

By: Corey

Corey — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 00:39:02 +0000

Tari: And, plus, in case it hasn’t been said (you know, like, fifty kazillion times), having a public social life while being fat is serious activism. It’s awesome when people can step into more than that, but just doing that one thing is pretty fucking radical.

AMEN!! Thank you for that. It’s quite simple and really (sadly) true.

By: kateharding

kateharding — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 18:20:57 +0000

Glad that helped, Ryan! It was definitely what made the penny drop for me when I first saw it.

By: benevolentsnark

benevolentsnark — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 18:16:32 +0000

This has been one hellava thought provoking discussion -

My 2 cents… count me in the tweener-fourteener crowd we don’t fit in Perhaps the Ks of the world don’t feel safe with us, but as someone who cannot bear the thought of wearing a bathing suit in public, I would LOVE to be in the company of strong, big women as role models. I know making me feel better is not their job, but I really admire and worship women larger than me who flaunt it.

However, it’s not the actual size of women that would make me feel comparitively good or bad, it’s their obsession with all things anti-fat that would. I’d rather hang with an FA/SA size 4 than a chronically dieting, point counting size 24.

By: Ryan

Ryan — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 18:05:45 +0000

A bit OT; but Kate? As for your question about privilege, this is the best primer on the concept. Thank you so much for this. I've been trying to find a concise primer to share with a group of people whom have been complaining about 'being attacked because they're in the majority', and this is perfect. Thank you so much!

By: sweetmachine

sweetmachine — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 13:23:24 +0000

Thanks, Tari.