Summer for me is having every door and window in the house open to catch the breeze, and wearing just a sarong or a kaftan over my underwear. It’s going down to the beach (which is about three blocks thataway *points*) and going swimming. It’s fish and chips on the grass near the tearooms. It’s drinking enough water to keep my kidneys afloat all month. It’s remembering to switch on the sprinklers on the designated watering days.

Summer is smelling barbecued meat from the neighbouring houses (and thinking “gee, we should get ourselves a barbecue” each time I do). Summer is grapes fresh off the vine, still warm, washed off in the sink; or grapes fresh out of the fridge, cold and sweet and delicious. Summer is Christmas, and trying to figure out how to cook up enough food to serve everyone without boiling myself in the process.

Summer is six months away. *sigh*

I am actually on vacation right now. My parents and I drove from Michigan to visit my sis, bro, and new nephew in Connecticut. What a cool thing. I’ve never been to the east coast… er, well, unless NYC counts because I did to to the Westminster kennel club show once but that was just for a day. Anyhow. It’s been a lot of fun in the sun, a chance to see beloved family and connect with my dad in the car, and also quite the FA journey in a lot of ways.

My mom has been making little comments about my weight for a while but I’ve been more or less able to deal with her. Sis, on the other hand… hoo boy! She’s a great person in many ways and I love her dearly, but I won’t mince words on it, she’s a weight bigot. Not quite nine months after her first child and she’s already back to svelte. She’s been saying enraging and hurtful things with increasing frequency since I got here about my weight and how I “need” to lose, because of course what I do or don’t with my body is somehow her call to make.

First we were trying on clothes. I put on a sundress and was spinning in it, because of course the swishyness of a dress is of vital import to its buy-ability. She said “see Sugar, this is why you need to lose weight. You’re just not a fat person.” I said, “what’s that supposed to mean?” and she came back with this lame something about me not being like a fat person or not meant to be one or something. What, so being bubbly or taking joy in clothes that swish is only a personality trait I deserve to have if I am thin? NO FAT PIXIES, I guess. What bullshit.

There’ve been tons of comments about my body and a lot of prejudice and general derision directed at fat and fat people since I got here, and it has been a challenge not to let it get me down. I almost cried once… I’m sorry I ever tried to defend myself, because I mentioned the time I was basically-kinda-almost having an eating disorder and didn’t eat for days on end and was miserable, paranoid, cranky, and couldn’t concentrate from lack of food. She actually said to me “well you didn’t die so you must not have needed it.” No seriously. If you don’t die from a year of eating barely enough to get by on, you must not need enough food to nourish your body. And that really cut because of what it took to let go of that for me. That time was a sensitive and life-changing experience for me, something I swore I’d never go back to. Statements like that, especially from my sister, remind me how I got there. She followed up this loving commentary with something about how it is sad for me to need to overeat to be happy. Obviously, since I’m fat, it is because I overeat, and has zilch to do with the fact that I’m depressed, don’t sleep, and am all but sedentary.

I did let it get to me a little, I must admit. For the first time in a long time, I weighed myself. In the spirit of Joy Nash’s Fat Rant I proudly claim each of my 170 pounds, which sit unevenly on my 5-foot frame, collecting largely smack in my middle. And that’s just how it is. It’s just a belly. If I don’t feel like looking at it, I can just sit up straight, in which case all I can see when I look down is a really fabulous set of massive breasts. Yet a small betraying part of me said in the back of my mind “oh thank goodness, it’s under 200″ and also “my gods, I’d have to lose FIFTY pounds to get back to 120!” This betrayal of myself is why I have gone un-weighed for so long. It is too tempting to obsess over something that should very much be arbitrary.

Anyhow, on to the good stuff (even though this is already heinously long… I apologize, but this is the only place I can talk about this stuff and be remotely heard or understood). Today we went to the beach. My first time touching the Atlantic. I was excited! I looooooove the beach. At first there was fog and we couldn’t swim so I grabbed a bucket meant for the baby (he’s nine months, he wasn’t using it) and tried to make a sand castle. When that didn’t work I just played around in the sand and stood in the shallows looking for pretty rocks. Then I got in the water, inspected more kinds of seaweed then I ever imagined existed, and jumped into these spectacular waves, the likes of which you do NOT see on the Great Lakes. My mom saw me doing such and rented me a boogy board (hey my family hates my fat, not me… mom’s very thoughtful). Now THAT was awesome. I boarded until I was exhausted… well, I actually would have kept going a bit longer but the rental was only for 2 hours. If you have never tried boogy boarding, go do it, right now. Run. In your pajamas? On the loo with your laptop? Checking the comp on your lunch break? Tough. Boogy board. NOW. You won’t be sorry!!!! But anyhow, the point is, I did all those things, and also skipped around in the sand, and yelled WHEE OCEAN, and I did it all in a swimsuit, and I did it all fat. And I felt even better for it. Like I was sticking it to anyone who thinks being 50 pounds heavier than before means I don’t get to run around and act like a giant toddler at the beach.

Then we went to the mall. After the epic fail that is clothes shopping (blech), I got a soft blue bear at Build-a-Bear. We are talking cloud-soft. And my favorite color. The bear’s name is Moon btw. Because.

So, still fat, still struggling with personal and familial issues. But still summer, still fun, and above all, no matter what my body looks like, I AM STILL ME.

If growing up means you leave your sense of wonder at the door and stop taking in all the awesomeness that is everywhere, or if being seen as intelligent means you’re no longer easy to please or amuse… guess I’m just a 26-year-old, college-educated, well-read KIDIOT.

By my heels, I care not.

This summer I want to take advantage of all the local Farmer’s Markets and enjoy all sorts of seasonal produce, breads, and baked goods. I just popped round one today and treated myself to some Queen Anne cherries and bumped into a local soap and bodycare line made from organic ingredients! Nice!

I am also on a cafe kick and am trying to visit as many independent cafes as possible to sample their iced tea. I can’t drink coffee either, but deny me my iced tea and you got a very, very grouchy (and parched) fattie. Iced tea tastes so good in summer! Happiness in a glass!

Finally, I am trying to incorporate more types of physical activity into my schedule. I just picked up a coupon for a free martial arts class – -this particular dojo has a class specifically for students with injuries or other meidcal factors who need a slower pace and more guidance from the instructor. I also took a yoga class at a local studio, and want to take a few tai chi classes as well. Somehow all this is easier when the weather is cooperative in terms of walking and more spontaneous traveling across town.

I’m also job hunting, as I’m freshly graduated. Yay. I’ve got one good lead, awfully far away considering gas prices, but the pay is pretty exceptional, and may make up for it. Meh. I’ll figure it out if I get the interview.

I also have been thinking about going to a hotel near me, that has an indoor water park. However, after going to one in Wisconsin awhile ago, I learned it doesn’t take me long to get tired climbing all those stairs to the waterslides. Would it kill them to make an elevator, and you just navigate through bridges to whatever slide you want to go on at the top?

No it’s not summer specific, but it’s been my goal since I moved back in after college. *sigh*