Ask Aunt Fattie: How can a fat woman find love?
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Dear Aunt Fattie,
I’m in a quandary. I’m a thirty-something woman, intelligent, fun, fat-accepting, and I have lots of good friends. However, I’ve never been on a date (I’ve only been asked a couple of times in my life, by weird strangers, and that was when I weighed less, as a result of illness). I’m pretty particular about potential loves, not in terms of looks, but rather with respect to faith, values, and certain moral considerations that are important to me (chastity, vegetarianism, etc.) — so no bar-scene for me. I’ve had my fair share of crushes on respectable gentlemen-friends, but the few times that I’ve made modest, indirect advances (e.g., dropping hints via mutual friends), guys have suddenly begun to avoid me. Now, I’m not really conventionally beautiful, even by fat-positive beauty standards, but I no longer believe (as my childhood peers often told me) that I’m actually some hideous monster. I try to be well-groomed and suitably dressed, and to carry myself with self-confidence. Despite some limitations as a result of (largely invisible) health issues, I try to take part in physical activities with my friends to the extent that I’m able. I devote a lot of effort to conscientiously managing my chronic health problems, I’ve spent a fortune on orthodontics, and I’ve learned ways of minimizing/disguising other physical flaws (facial and body hair, acne, etc.) as well as my financial means permit. I always try to be friendly and considerate, and I seem to be well-liked by most of the people whom I know.
At my age, despite my wonderful friendships, I’m beginning to acutely feel the absence of a significant other in my life. It’s also difficult when talk among causal friends turns to love and relationships, and I struggle with the social marginalization that often results if I choose to disclose my utter inexperience. I’m involved with my faith group, community activism, volunteer work, my professional community — but no real romantic opportunities have come of those connections. The men I think to be suitable suitors never regard me in that fashion, and if I ‘make a move’, no matter how small, it seems to only result in broken friendships.
I’m pretty much out of ideas here.
Signed,
Agonizingly Alone
Agonizingly Alone, Aunt Fattie is terribly sorry to have to tell you what she’s about to tell you. It is going to be discouraging, it is going to seem glib, and it probably isn’t going to make you feel better. It may make you curse Aunt Fattie’s name.
It is this: You are doing everything right.
You are living an active, engaged life, pursuing your passions and interests, refusing to put anything on hold just because you’re single. You are realistic and positive about your strengths, your limitations, your desires, and your boundaries. You are hoping to meet kindred spirits through the activities and communities that you participate in for your personal fulfillment, rather than steeping yourself in the often frustrating and demoralizing dating scene. You are, in short, following an advice columnist’s standard how-to-meet-a-good-partner formula to the letter.
So why isn’t it working? Part of the reason is that meeting a compatible partner takes more than a fulfilling life and a rational outlook; it also takes a heaping helping of pure dumb luck. You’ve made yourself into a mature, engaged, self-sufficient prospective partner, but frustratingly, that’s all you can do besides wait. The most important part of the equation — someone happening to come along who interests you, recognizes your value, is single, shares your goals, doesn’t have too much baggage, etc. — is the part you can’t control. It must be left to luck.
And truthfully, some of us need a little more luck than others. We fatties can’t wait for just any attractive interested prospect; we need an attractive, interested prospect who’s confident enough to see beyond societal ideals and shrug off potential judgment. Those with health problems may need to wait for an attractive, interested prospect who has no hangups about medical issues, in some cases even one who’s willing to be a caregiver if necessary. Your choice of chastity may narrow your field as well. In short, you’re using a grade-A reel and lure to fish in a smallish pond. This is not to say that you should relax your standards — far from it. Aunt Fattie is delighted that you are so discerning. But it means that patience must be your watchword.
This may mean that you wait a little longer before dropping hints that you’re interested (which Aunt Fattie would recommend doing in person, rather than through friends — the latter smacks of grade school). You want to give yourself time to fully suss out the gentleman’s suitability, and give him time to fully appreciate all you have to offer. Some otherwise decent fellows may have to leap a few hurdles when it comes to fat and health concerns, and you want to give them ample opportunity to get in touch with their better selves (and to realize how much they like you in the meantime). And of course, some otherwise decent fellows may turn out to have qualities that are dealbreakers for you, qualities that only come out over time. The much-advertised “friend zone” is largely a myth; there’s no rush to turn a friendship into a relationship. Spend time together, both with friends and just the two of you, and see how things progress.
And what will you do while you wait patiently for prospective partners with whom to be patient? Well, you will have to content yourself with your wonderful friends (too wonderful, surely, to judge you for your inexperience?), your activism, your volunteer work, your faith, your intelligence, your physical activities, your strong values, and the maintenance and safeguarding of your health. Not too shabby of a consolation prize, don’t you agree?
(Readers: Please share with us your experiences of romantic patience, and of finding love when or where you didn’t expect it!)
If you’ve got your own questions on fat, fatshion, fatiquette, self-esteem, or body image, send them to auntfattie@gmail.com.
Filed under: Ask Aunt Fattie, Fat, Self-Image
And I will start: I was friends with my boyfriend for over a year before we got together, during which time neither of us was consciously interested in the other one at all. I had joked with friends about hooking up with him because we both had terminal crushes on terrible people, but I wasn’t serious — it would have felt like a booby prize, like the rejected suitors were getting together out of desperation. It wasn’t until some friends pointed out that we were into each other — and yes, even though they did it unsolicited it still smacked of grade school, or maybe high school because they were rolling at the time — that we gave the matter serious thought. At which point we were already pretty acutely aware of each other’s strengths and weaknesses, which allowed us to avoid a whole lot of new-relationship pitfalls.
I met my husband on match.com. Highly recommended! At least they’ve seen a picture of you before you go on a date (make sure your pictures are accurate and show what you really look like) and you know they’re interested in finding a romantic attachment, or they wouldn’t be there.
The other nice thing about Match is that you can specify a lot of what you want in a partner - with your particulars about chastity and vegetarianism, for example, that might be helpful to you. Good luck! We were both 34 when we met - sometimes love takes its sweet time to come around.
Meeting my husband was a total setup. A friend sent me example after example of why this dude I didn’t know was awesome and when I finally admitted he was a pretty cute and funny dude, the set up really swung into gear. It worked out well. Without mutual friends who truly wanted the best for both me and my partner, I’d be stuck, still, in a never-ending series of bad relationships.
And so I say to let your friends know you are looking. They know your values and, if they are good friends, will respect that when considering matches. Catherine suggested match.com and I think sites like that and eharmony.com are great. Because they really DO try to match you with someone who shares your value systems. You might even try listing a personal ad on craigslist.
I’d avoid notorious hookup sites like OKCupid and myspace, though.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with actively seeking out a partner. Just remember to keep living your life and making yourself happy in the meantime. Aunt Fattie is dead-on - there is a large amount of luck involved, even when you are searching other people out. I wish there were an easier answer than that.
I was lucky - I met my husband in my first year of college. I was actually dating someone else at the time, and met him via a common friend as a friend.
Even though I wasn’t exactly thin at the time, I remember thinking (or possibly saying to the mutual friend? It’s been awhile), “He’s really funny; too bad he’s so heavy.” But I started spending more and more time with him (and in the meanwhile broke up with my boyfriend, though not specifically because of Phill; I just wasn’t really into him). And by a few months later, I was well into actually-hurts-in-my-chest-when-we’re-not-together territory.
I made the first move - a spontanious kiss while he was playing a video game. My timing left a lot to be desired, as I was on my way home for the weekend. My understanding is that he did a lot of freaking out that weekend. :) But when I got back, he reciprocated (and a lot of cuddling followed that night :) ). And we’ve been together ever since.
I met my husband in my living room, because he was friends with my housemates. Then he just kept coming over a lot because of his friends. And to be honest, I was completely clueless that he was interested in me until he asked me out, and I wasn’t hugely attracted to him at the time either. He was just a nice guy I quite liked and who was around a lot. But I was pretty much in your boat at the time, and I figured it was worth a shot, and you know, it totally was. We were living together within three months, and we got married ten months ago.
One thing you haven’t mentioned is if anyone has indicated an interest in you, or if it’s only been people you haven’t been interested in. Because sometimes, those people that you haven’t thought anything much of, they can surprise you as much as you might surprise them.
I don’t know if this will make AA feel better or worse, but I’d bet that her struggles to find a partner might have as much to do with her religious restrictions as her appearance. I’ve watched a conservative Christian friend and a conservative Muslim friend struggle for decades looking for love, until they got involved with very targeted online dating sites; both were happily married within 3 years, and still going strong.
I was friends with my lovely partner for a full five years before we hooked up and I wouldn’t wish away a minute of this time. I agree wholeheartedly with Aunt Fattie’s advice about not rushing things - it could be good to take your time and really, really get to know someone before deciding if they are right for you. As regards not having physical experience, I honest believe that if you meet the right person for you this will not matter. My partner was in his early thirties and had not been in a relationship before he met me and we had great fun gaining experience together! In the same way that he couldn’t have cared less about my weight (250llb) I couldn’t have cared less about his lack of experience. When you find a good person who shares your values, and you both like each other, these things are pretty irrelevant.
I’m a little leery of suggesting things like match.com — even though some of my favorite couples met through similar sites — just because for many people, internet dating consists of a string of rejections before or instead of success. One must go into it when one is feeling emotionally strong.
If nothing else, though, it’s valuable for racking up some experience in “dating,” so if that’s a tender subject, go to it. Overall, being involved in activities you’re passionate about and that bring you into contact with other people is the Advice Column Seal of Approval TM way of meeting compatible partners, but the internet can be a great way of collecting some date stories to dish about (and perhaps hitting the jackpot while you’re at it).
Because sometimes, those people that you haven’t thought anything much of, they can surprise you as much as you might surprise them.
Excellent, excellent point.
I was the stereotypical “met my mate just when I stopped looking for him.” I was a late twenty-something who had been “on the hunt” for years and a month or two after I got really ok with the idea of being single for good, I met my husband. I was REALLY happy on my own and was really appreciating my life as it was. But I met him and I was pretty sure pretty soon that he was long-term partner material.
He, on the other hand, was DEFINITELY still “on the hunt” and still had dates planned with other women when we met. He was looking HARD for someone to be with. The funny thing is that I was NOT what he was looking for…not jewish, living in another state, etc., etc. Thank goodness for the modern miracles of email and cheap long-distance phone plans or we might not be together today. Married 4 years this June.
Admittedly, I am very lucky in that I met my soon-to-be husband at a young age (18), but it felt like a long time to me!
I’d recently come out of my first sexual relationship, and it was a total disaster. My boyfriend at the time had been a long-time friend who knew exactly how to manipulate me, and by the time I had the good sense to escape from that relationship, I was a total mess. I don’t think my long history of EDs and mental health problems helped things any.
Around the time I was breaking things off, I went to university and discovered that I just didn’t fit in. I’d done all my wild drinking at age 15-17, and wasn’t interested in that any more. I was surrounded by people who wanted to ditch class, get pissed, gossip about their sex lives, and generally do all the things that I just can’t relate to. A loner by nature, I turned more and more to my online friends for comfort, and it was through one of those friends that I met my fiance.
I’d seen him around on a few forums we both frequented (religious and science forums, mainly) and I hadn’t liked him at all. When a close friend started telling me how wonderful he was in person, I was intrigued, and we started a correspondence. Soon I was spending every free minute chatting to him online, and spending £10 at a time calling him in the US.
Honestly, we’d both fallen in love by the time I arranged an exchange year in California and met him for the first time. Since then we’ve been managing the long distance thing as best we can, and this summer we’re finally going to be married. :)
I actually don’t really advocate the internet as a way to meet potential partners, but I think if it happens naturally through friendship that that’s something else. My best friend is a girl I just clicked with on Belief Net, and we’ve been very close for the past 6 or so years. When she gets a chance to visit, it’s like we’ve never been apart. The same is true of my fiance.
I suppose it’s a bit of a cliche for two geeks to meet online, but there ya have it!
Ah, well, my boyfriend and I met in college . . . six-plus years before we started dating. It would be a stretch to say we were *friends*, though, for those years. Two reasons: he had crazy jealous girlfriends who thought I was a major threat (I was!), and because we were both so ridiculously attracted to each other that sometimes we wouldn’t have much to say. Or too much to say.
I didn’t exactly wait around for him, but I did pounce the moment he got out of the rebound period from his last relationship . . . after I figured out that he wasn’t going to make any moves. (He thought/still thinks I’m totally out of his league. I’m not, but don’t tell him that.)
Oof. Well, I haven’t much experience in the love department for a variety of reasons, so I do understand where Agonizingly Alone is coming from. However, I have stumbled into an absurdly wonderful friendship with a man (it’s funny calling him that, as I am 8 years his senior and he just graduated from college) who thinks I am beautiful and wonderful and hot, which is like, so weird to me. It’s one of those weird friendships where you like, crazy mad about one another in the most platonic way ever. Which is maddening, to some degree. But also so, so nice. I have a lot of issues re: men, so it’s great to have someone in my life who a) genuinely cares about ME and b) isn’t trying to sex me up every two seconds.
As far as the online dating game…when I met my one and only ex, it was online, long before dating sites existed. Or popular, at least. It was disaster — not because of the internet but because he turned out to be an abusive jackhole. I’m not a fan of dating sites because I think by and large, people lie their asses off, but I also know quite a few people who met their spouses online and are incredibly happy. I think it just depends on your dumb luck. Don’t despair and don’t give up; you never know, there could be a guy out there that you intimidate with your badassness! :)
Sara, that is a really good point about the religious restrictions. It narrows the pool but there ARE very targeted sites out there.
Also, I totally second Maddie - if there are guys in whom you are not necessarily interested and they meet your standards otherwise, it might be a good idea to give them a chance (not, you know, if you can’t stand them or they make you think that even really bland things are super flavorful by comparison) because you just never know. Love at first sight is, I think, largely a myth. It works for some few people, but expecting to instantly know makes us overlook good relationships.
I actually met my current boyfriend on OKCupid.com. But I’ll be honest and say that chastity is not in my virtue vocabulary and that until I met him I was using OKCupid for random hookups.
I would recommend e-harmony or chemistry.com (they allow the gays to participate there, so it is better than e-harmony.)
I would also recommend a little open mindedness as well. Sometimes qualities that seem important “on paper” are less of a priority than one might think. And unfortunately every time you add a quality to the list of things you want in a boyfriend you narrow your potential dating pool.
That is not to say that you should not continue to hold those things in high regard and value those qualities in yourself. But you may actually find value in having a mate who is different from you in some ways. As long as they respect you and love you for who you are, and you respect them and love them for who they are, well then you don’t need to be the same. You can compliment each other with your values.
I’m not saying you should lower your standards. I’m just saying, don’t apply your “a, b, c,” list to people until you get to know them. My roommate from college who is an atheist just married a very devout Christian girl and they are very happy together. They got to know each other through a shared love of running, and it eventually evolved into a relationship. I’m pretty sure “atheist” wasn’t on her list of qualities she wanted in a man.
I met my husband, Michael, at a frat party. Sigh.
He hit on me for most of that night, and I was not so much into him. It turned out we had mutual friends, though, and somehow we started hanging out a lot. After college, our circle of friends dwindled down to a core of four people, and we were together pretty much every day. Over the course of a year or two, he pretty much became my best friend — it was commonly accepted that he was in love with me (and he’d told me this himself), but I was still pretty insistent that I didn’t have those kinds of feelings for him. (Despite my habit of making out with him frequently, and the fact that there was nobody else in the world that I liked to be around so much.) Then I moved to California (also on a whim), and while I was there I was pretty cripplingly homesick. The whole time I was there, I was also pretty cripplingly lonely… specifically for Michael. As in, everywhere I went — Denny’s, Golden Gate Park, to the damn grocery store — I wished he was there.
When I threw in the towel and came home, I tried hooking up with someone else to prove to myself/the world that I really! Didn’t! Love! Michael! That lasted about two days, then I gave up and jumped Michael’s bones… and four years, a kid, and a wedding later, we haven’t looked back once.
Good point, shinobi… obviously one shouldn’t relax standards like “must respect my faith and values,” but actually sharing them can — for some people — be a surprisingly dispensable quality.
I, too, met my fiancé on match.com. Fillyjonk’s right, you do have to be prepared for a LOT of rejection. I just tried to keep in mind that it’s the equivalent of going up to random strangers asking if they’re interested. You’re going to get a lot of “no” answers for each “yes”. (You do get the nicely detailed profiles so it’s not entirely like random strangers, but still not like being in person where you can pick up on subtle cues and save yourself the actual asking most of the time.) As long as you have the right mentality and don’t let the lack of interest so far stop you, it can be a GREAT way to widen the pool. Given your strong religious and personal convictions, Agonizingly Alone, I agree that a religiously-based site might be best to weed out the obviously unsuitable and save yourself some aggravation.
Being single when you want a partner is absolutely, utterly heart-wrenching. I so feel ya, sister. Before meeting my fiancé, I’d had one very brief and obnoxious relationship in college, a string of online romances that never successfully converted to “real life” romances, and one honest-to-goodness boyfriend that I’d met through work and dated for a few months. Oh, and one date via a speed-dating event, and one other through match.com. (eHarmony was a HUGE waste for me and very hard on my self-esteem. All my matches were jocks. I am SO not jock-girlfriend material.) In other words, I was still very much in the “not so experienced” category right up until I found The One.
Since I mentioned it, speed-dating can be good, too, if you’re comfortable talking about yourself to a complete stranger right off the bat. It lets people see you from the start but also means there’s a chance for a connection before they have to decide if they’re interested. On the other hand, doing this regularly is much more expensive than dating sites - but also potentially more fun, especially if you can go with someone.
And I wholeheartedly agree that luck has a LOT to do with it. Even after all the above, I am a tad embarassed to relate that my fiancé and I only got in touch because his subscription to match.com was about to expire so he went around winking (a way to quickly indicate interest without writing a personal message) at a bunch of people who looked remotely interesting. It wasn’t love at first sight for me but he didn’t seem totally unsuitable, so I gave him a try, and am so very glad I did.
AA, my brother is pretty much in the same boat as you. He’s about to turn 30 and has never had a long term relationship. I feel it’s impossible to give him advice anymore, he’s tried friends, he’s tried collegues, he’s tried online dating website and as of yet, nothing.
Though I don’t exactly quiz him on what it is he is looking for, I don’t think his standards are out of the ballpark. As for him, he’s average in height, chubby and attractive in his own right. I tend to think his biggest obstacle is as time goes on is that you lose confidence in the opposite sex and in yourself.
I agree with the luck aspect of it all. When I met my husband I was coming out of two terrible encounters with men I worked with. One I genuinely liked and the other I just sort of used to get over the one who just wouldn’t move further along with me in the relationship game. Then I met my husband through a chance encounter with mutual friends. Neither one of us really knew one another, we just got lucky to discover similar values and goals. Once we began our relationship it still was a tough road to walk on. It’s a lot of work to find that person and keep the relationship moving along.
So basically, I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. That there are many many excellent people out there who are still looking unsuccessfully for a partner. It takes a lot of emotional work and a lot of luck to pin them down….and then it still takes work every single day you’re together.
Aunt Fatty’s advice is good, but I’d add one thing: do things that require you to meet a lot of new people. The more people you meet, the more likely it is that you’ll find new friends and new more-than-friends. And, be brave. I met my husband less than a month after moving to a new city by myself. I showed up at a meeting (organized online) of people who were new in town. It was at a coffee shop. When I arrived and didn’t see anyone with a group sign, I made one out of a scrap of paper from my purse. I felt silly, but I figured that no one there knew me, anyway. Eventually, ten people joined the group, and I ended up sitting across from my future husband. We chatted for hours that night, ended up as good friends, and eventually developed crushes on each other. We’ve been married for 3 years now.
Oh, and as other people have said, examine your criteria for a partner. Is any of it disposable? Age and height (or other appearance-based) requirements, in particular, can make your pond smaller for no good reason. My husband is both younger and smaller than I am. That would have been a problem in my twenties, when I was less secure, but I found it didn’t matter to me at all.
I met my husband through a personal ad in our college newspaper; his sister put it in. It was a semi-blind date on my side, totally blind on his side. He was a skinny little thing, and though I was thinner then than I am now, I wasn’t thin. I was actually afraid I’d break him if I hugged him. But he didn’t seem to mind. We’ve been together over 17 years, celebrating our 14 wedding anniversary this month. And while he has stood by and held my hand through all my weight angst, he has never contributed to it.
I would echo The Rotund’s point: Tell your friends you’re looking. They may not know you’re interested, they may not know which gender you prefer, they may think you’re happy with things as they are. It doesn’t need to be a big conversation, just “Hey, do you know any nice single guys?”
Do you have a caring friend who can absolutely be trusted to be honest with you? You might sit down with him or her and ask if this person sees something you can adjust to make it more clear that you’re available. Maybe your haircut screams “lesbian” or you talk too much about vegetarianism or you have a facial expression that is inadvertently offputting or you really need to lose those orange pants.
Also, as someone who got married at 35, I will say it is NOT too late. Enjoy your life and know that it probably won’t always be like this.
Oh, dang, I’m at work and can’t read through all the thoughtful comments just now. But I’m really pleased to see all the discussion about life as a single fat woman around the fatosphere lately. When I first started reading, there wasn’t much out there - that’s why I started fatgirlonadate.wordpress.com. Anyone who wants to write a guest post is more than welcome: I’d love to hear more stories!
I met my fiancee on Match.com (where my little sister-who is also fat- met her fat husband after I encouraged her to try it). I was very much like Agonizingly Alone (I was 25, never had a first kiss, never a boyfriend, never a date, not in high school, not in college, and I while I wasn’t necessarily saving myself for marriage, I wasn’t into casual encounters). For many years I literally prayed for God to send me a boyfriend. After many years of nothing I tried to accept my fate and prayed, instead, for the strength to accept being alone.
However, during that time I wanted to be proactive. I was involved with school and other things, but wasn’t meeting anyone that way. I felt like internet dating was a relatively low-rejection-risk way of putting myself out there. For a while I tried eHarmony, but the types of guys I was matched with there were not working out (generally shy, conservative- not like me!).
So, I tried Match.com. While there were a lot of people that were just looking for casual encounters, there were more people to choose from than eHarmony. I had to weed through A LOT of guys that weren’t right for me (for a variety of reasons). There were many men I would send my picture to, and when they saw I was fat would either stop contacting me or just write back with an excuse. Those were hard, but not nearly as hard as face-to-face rejection, or doing nothing at all and worrying I was missing out.
Even when I did find a guy who seemed into me, he randomly stopped contacting me. I really liked him (as much as I could from a profile and some e-mails) so I reached out to him again. He was receptive, and now 2.5 years later we’re planning our wedding.
My advice would be to try internet dating (either Match.com, or one that caters towards people with your religious affiliation). Just think of it as being proactive in your search for Mr. Right. You may not find him online, but you will at least be trying and gaining the interpersonal experience to join in with your friends’ dating horror story gabfests.
However, you need to know that it’s a time commitment. My sister married the first man she met on Match.com, I was the first person my fiancee met. I however invested almost 2 years in online dating before meeting a guy I wanted a 2nd date with! Go into it happy to be taking part in the process, not expecting immediate results.
Even though it took me almost 2 years before finding someone I wanted to date seriously, I felt much better about myself just being proactive. Also, it was a boost to my self-esteem to have dates with nice guys- even if they didn’t work out.
My first serious relationship was a result of being set up by friends. They knew I was looking, and knew a guy they thought would be perfect for me. We were all a little young and immature, so they were totally not smooth about it, but it still worked out quite well. He didn’t end up being the one, but I do still think set ups are a good way to go.
I met my fiance on okcupid. I didn’t encounter anyone looking for just a hookup - I had “looking for a long term relationship” on my profile, so maybe that scared the hook-up people off. More frustratingly than rejections, I got straight out ignored by most of the people I sent messages to. But I eventually got a message from a guy who basically thought I was perfect for him based on my profile. We went out, and a year later we were engaged. So if you think you can handle the rejection that comes along with online dating, I would definately recommend it. I’ve heard eharmony is a good place to meet people of faith. I also have a friend who met her boyfriend on a dating site specifically for vegetarians (unfortunately I don’t remember the name of the site).
My husband is my third. (And last, I sincerely hope!)
Numbers one and two were both for very wrong reasons. There was a long time (20 years) between #2 and #3.
I met some people through a local Pagan community who were involved in Mensa, and they encouraged me to take the test, or at least come to some gatherings. I joined an email list, and met the future Mr. Buttercup on that list. We started noticing that we seemed to have a lot in common, started corresponding off-list, and both (independently) checked with friends to make sure the other wasn’t a raving lunatic axe-murderer. We planned to meet at a local gathering. It went so well that he moved from his city to my city in two months, we moved in together in 2002 and married in 2005.
So, to AA, I would agree with Aunt Fattie that you’re doing everything right. Maybe join a club that will attract people that you’re bound to have common ground with. Keep an open mind, and don’t ever stop enjoying yourself!
I can relate to AA. I’m 25, and I’ve never been kissed or had a boyfriend or anything like that. I’m always the girl-friend, never the girlfriend. Growing up with younger brothers in a mostly male environment, I never really learned how to be feminine or girly or flirty or anything like that. I’ve also been overweight my entire life.
I’ve been told that I’m attractive/cute/beautiful/gorgeous, and people tell me they can’t believe I’m still single, but I just haven’t had any luck with guys. I’m also a bit shy with men, and my inexperience is resulting in less and less confidence in finding someone.
Like one person mentioned, I’ve prayed for God to send me a boyfriend. Now, I just pray for the strength to handle being alone until the right man comes along. I got a second job with a local AAA baseball team, where I meet lots of people on a daily basis and I work with people my age (compared to my full-time job, where I work with pretty much all middle-aged women, and any men in here that I’ve been attracted to are married).
There’s nothing wrong with you for still being single, as I’ve come to realize there’s nothing wrong with me. The right man will love each of us just as we are, fat and all, but we just have to be patient and wait for him to come along. Perhaps he has to grow up into a man who deserves to have a woman like us.
Keep hanging in there, and I’ll try to do the same. :)
I’ve read all the posts so far… and they all start with some variation of: “I met MY husband/boyfriend….” and then how that happened.
I’m here to say… Sometimes it doesn’t happen.
I’m a 48 year old fat woman who has never been asked out on a date. And I am quite sure that even this crowd of very open minded folks are somewhere in the back of their minds thinking “well, there has to be some good reason… what’s wrong with her”. Honestly… nothing.
I’ve always had many friends of both genders. I still have friends male and female from elementary school. I have a great career that is in an insanely competitive business. I have godchildren and family that are wonderful. But I’ve always been fat and smart. And I think the analogy of fishing in the small pond is accurate.
I had to find someone who wasn’t intimidated by brains and an XXXXL body. The only thing this bait attracted was men who wanted to fetish-ize my weight. Not fun.
And really agonizing for years. But I also always subscribed to the idea that I would create the best life for myself I could, and if no one joined me in that life, well… then at least I had the best life I could.
Interestingly enough I have four women friends (”normal” sized) who I’ve known from 20 - 40 years, who have also never married. They however have had long term relationships. The reason I mention how long I’ve known them is to point out that I didn’t gravitate toward friends who were single later in life. We met in grade school and in our 20’s when we all assumed we’d some day walk down the aisle. So it’s not just the weight. Though I think for me that does explain the datelessness.
I guess what I need to say is that not everyone finds someone. But that doesn’t condemn you to a life of loneliness. Many people who marry are in lonely lives. Your life is your journey. Enjoy it.
One thing I’ve seen one of my friends do that really hurts to watch is to look for ‘the One’ all the time. You can’t expect every guy you meet to be ‘the One.’ That puts so much unnecessary pressure on every guy you meet, and the fact that you might want to get too serious too soon with a guy could scare him away. You might need to relax around guys you like because they won’t feel the pressure you’re projecting upon them. It freaks my guy friends out when a girl assumes too much. For example, my curent boyfriend was friends with this girl before we were going out, and our mutual friend would always joke to me about how he was spending so much time with this girl (he knew he liked me more than I realized). This ticked me off, but then we went out, and I forgot about this girl. Then, later, my boyfriend told me that she had thought they were going out because they hung out so much, so he put an end to their friendship.
I guess I would echo what others have said and also say this - I would try to just date period, without attempting or focusing on finding “the one”. Going on a date to see a movie is not the same as jumping into bed with someone. Non-sexual casual dating can be fun. Not all guys are just about the hookups.
I definitely second the online dating approach. Its really hard to meet people and online gets you access to a wide variety of people in your area that you would probably never meet in the course of your daily life.
I was chubby from high school on, and never got as much attention as my friends. I didn’t have my first kiss until 17. I married my first husband in my early twenties in part because I didn’t think anyone else would ever want me. That didn’t end well, duh.
I was friends with my 2nd husband for a few years before we even got interested in each other. I always thought he was cute, but he was a few years younger than me, and I thought that would be weird so I never even considered him. Which in a way was nice because I never tried to be anything other than myself. We became best friends.
We were drinking heavily one night and he confessed he had a crush on me. Yada yada yada, we’ve been happily married for seven years. We got together when I was 30.
I tell my girlfriends to stop looking, make a lot of friends and a full life. You should find a way to be happy with or without a mate, and who knows? Maybe one of your friends will turn out to be a soul mate. Sounds like you are on the right track AA.
Since we’re sharing stories…
I met my husband in high school (we’re both 38 now). I immediately thought he was cute (in a geeky sort of way). I would talk to him in class, and we had fun disagreeing about Billy Joel records, but I didn’t think he would be interested in me romantically. He had already gone out on dates with my two closest friends (both of whom were short and thin, while I was 5′7″ and a size 16/18). But after a few months of hanging out together as friends (with me sort of mooning over him quietly but enjoying just being friends), he made his move at a New Year’s party, offering me his arm when we were walking on the ice outside.
I have to admit that I felt very self-conscious and insecure, at first. He’d gone out with my thin, tiny friends, and I wondered if I could really be his type. And he was (and is) very slender himself (6′ tall and about 150lbs).
But after awhile, I realized that he didn’t have a fixed type anymore than I did. And of course it occurred to me later that, while my friends very physically very different, we were emotionally and intellectually very similar.
At any rate, we got along so well that we’ve been together 20 years now and have 3 kids.
And, over the years, what with the 3 kids, there’ve been periods of near celibacy, where our relationship has seemed (for better or worse) almost platonic–almost like the friends we were at the outset. And that’s the thing I think matters–the foundation of relationships that *causes* the physical attraction, at least for a lot of us. Physical chemistry can and does often grow out of friendship.
I don’t know about anyone else, Jen, but I definitely didn’t wonder what was wrong with you when I read your post. You brought up a really great point: Yeah, sometimes it just doesn’t happen. I know lots and lots of people in their 30s and 40s (and one in her 50s) who are just… single. It just never happened. They are fabulous people, but there was just never a click.
And yeah, it sucks and you get lonely… but you get through it, and being awesome and active and well-rounded on your own is better than trying to force romance or sparks that just don’t exist. Seriously. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you; it just means that, you know, you’re single.
I’ve read all the posts so far… and they all start with some variation of: “I met MY husband/boyfriend….” and then how that happened.
Well, to be fair the post did ask for stories of finding love where it wasn’t expected. :) I think that’s why they’ve all started that way.
But your story is also wonderful and inspiring (and I do hope more currently-single people will share their tales as well). And you’re so right — when the luck doesn’t kick in, when for whatever reason you end up unpartnered, that doesn’t mean being lonely or incomplete. Of course, 48 is hardly too late for luck to strike! But that’s a great way to live even if it doesn’t.
agonizing aloneness is the human condition. for some small number of people it’s relieved by domestic comfort or even bliss, for a greater number it is made more agonizing by a spouse in the same house. you could follow any number of methods to meet more men and/or seduce them, and maybe that will work, but my own happiness has been deepened by giving up on all of that. vivian gornick has written wonderful essays on the subject in approaching eye level.
I was “just friends” with my partner for 3 years before we realized that we were mutually interested in each other. We’ve been together for five years now.
Before he and I became a couple, I had never been in a serious relationship. I had had 2 boyfriends, neither of whom lasted more than a few months. I spent years and years single. I began to enjoy being single and stop worrying about finding a mate - which, of course, is when I fell for my partner. It always happens that way.
I can completely identify with AA…I’m 38 and have been single for going on 10 years, and never been in a long-term relationship…I have great friends, I play music, enjoy various hobbies/interests and generally have a fine life, but it’s really hard/frustrating not to express the romantic side of oneself for so long…
I’ve gone the casual sex route occasionally, with no regrets, but as casual encounters go, there’s no commitment/true romance, just a temporary band-aid…
Unfortunately, there really isn’t anything anyone could say to console the loneliness I have sometimes…I know a lot of it is dumb luck, but how dumb does one have to be?? (joke…)
I know friends mean well, but saying “it’ll happen when you least expect it” doesn’t work- since you notice that piece of your life missing, it’s hard not to think about, even while hanging out with friends, or engaging in things you enjoy.
I’m not saying it’s impossible for it to happen that way, but in all the bajillion relationships, it’s silly to think they all happened when folks weren’t looking…
I’ve tried websites and approached men to no avail…Not sure what it’ll take, and part of me can’t even imagine what it’ll be like when I eventually DO meet someone…(sigh).
AA, I hear you and just know you’re not alone…I hope you meet someone great some day…
All the best to you and everyone…
xoxox
Mr. Twistie and I were friends for more than five years before we went on our first date. In that time, we’d shared jokes, had fun, and seen one another through some really crappy relationships. I don’t know what took us so long, but once we realized how good we could be together, we’ve never looked back.
And as Jen said, some people never find the one. There’s nothing wrong with that, either. The most important thing is one you’re already doing: you’re not putting your entire life on hold while you wait for a fairy tale knight to whisk you off to a perfect world of endless bliss.
I will also reiterate something I’ve seen several other people bring up: even if two people don’t share precisely the same priorities, things can still work out if there’s true mutual respect at bottom.
My brother spent seven years with a lady who was vegetarian. He wasn’t and isn’t vegetarian. He did, however, respect her choice and make some accomodations to it, as she did to him. When they went out to dinner, my brother was free to order whatever he liked - including meat. At home, he mostly shared vegetarian meals with her, but kept one special pan for cooking meat in and gave her fair warning when he was planning to use it. It might not be an absolute necessity that Mr. Right be vegetarian, for instance, if you’re willing to acccept a man who is respectful but doesn’t share that value.
But never, ever settle for someone who doesn’t respect the values he doesn’t share. I cannot emphasize that enough. It’s possible to make it as a bit of an odd couple, but only if there’s mutual respect and willingness to accept differences.
Funny that this post came up today- six years ago today, my now-husband leaned over and kissed me, surprising the holy crap out of me- we’d been friends for a couple years and I thought he was so great, no way someone that sweet and cute and funny would be into me.
But he was, and he had been, and had waited patiently through a stupid other relationship I was in (SO unhealthy). At the point we got together, I had really tried to get my shit together (this included dieting, though it had nothing to do with his attraction or our chemistry… have certainly gained all that back by now of course). New place, new hobbies, new outlook on life… I was going to be Single Woman and it was gonna be GREAT!
We also met originally on an online community, which was how we got to be friends to begin with. We just immediately hit it off, but The Obstacles (boyfriend, my crippling insecurity) held us back for a couple years.
What I found useful about internet dating is that although I was frequently engaged in lots of fun activities that I really enjoyed, they didn’t tend to attract single men. My closest friends were gay men who didn’t have a lot of single straight men in their circles, and both work and school were in very female-dominated fields. So the advice of doing things I loved and hoping that I would meet people that way didn’t work so well for me. When I met the man who became my husband, he was in the same boat - his circle of friends and activities didn’t lend themselves to meeting single straight women either. So we both turned to internet dating to open the field of eligibility.
And my experience is a lot different than that of the people who met their partners more organically, but something that I really appreciated about internet dating is that the possibility of romantic interest was right on the table from the very beginning.
Something else that really helped me with internet dating was being really upfront about my size and that dating someone fat-positive was non-negotiable. I wasn’t nasty or defensive about it, but I definitely made it clear that I was looking for someone who wanted me exactly as I was, and I was honest about my weight and posted full-body shots. I got very few responses, but it really weeded out the wrong people immediately.
Of course, internet dating does often require a lot of false starts, but again, for me, it definitely opened up my pool of potential partners in a way that my social circle didn’t.
The only story I can share is the time I went on my one blind date–a fellow I found from the personal ads of the Chicago Reader (back in ‘94 — waaaay before the internet). He kind of looked like Yanni, and at some point he said to me, “let’s cut the small talk and get to the sex”. Later, he showed me photographs a friend had taken of him, where he was wearing a red and white striped Speedo and posing on a rug with a cigarette in hand like he had just thrown his beret in the air Mary Richards-style.
I couldn’t run out of that coffee joint fast enough.
When I was younger, I had figured by this point (I’m 36) that my life would be so filled with stuff and work and things that I wouldn’t really care if I had a boyfriend. And now I find myself just…horrified in general that a) my life didn’t turn out how I would have liked and b) that I care as much as I do that I’m alone, surrounded by married friends who *aren’t* and never have been particularly interested in helping me out in the relationship arena. Even though I’m not spiritual/don’t believe in a god, I feel like I’m being punished for…who knows what. Oh well. La dee dah, as they say.
Anyway. AA, you’re not alone. I hope you find what you’re looking for and it doesn’t require you sacrificing what you hold to be most important.
I met my husband in high school (we’re both 38 now). I immediately thought he was cute (in a geeky sort of way). I would talk to him in class, and we had fun disagreeing about Billy Joel records, but I didn’t think he would be interested in me romantically.
This actually made my heart skip a beat just because I love Billy Joel :-D
I’m in my late 20s and spent the decade after high school getting into very long, very intense relationships with men who weren’t right for me. As an earlier commenter noted, it stemmed from thinking “no one else wants me, so I’d better hang on to this one!” and quieting my own doubts and ignoring what I desire in a partner. Though my boyfriends’ perspectives on my weight ranged from “you’d be gorgeous if you’d just lose weight” all the way to complete acceptance, I always assumed they were either lying about any measure of acceptance or fetishizing me. (You can imagine how happy and healthy I was during this period.)
But 10 years later, and here I am– single, fat, and happy. I’m trying to live the kind of life AA is, full of activity and enjoying and celebrating my friendships, and while I’m not purposely avoiding romantic relationships I’m not seeking them either. And wouldn’t you know it, more men have asked for my number in the last 3 months than in the rest of my life combined.
I’ve had some great makeouts and some TERRIBLE ones, and I’ve (finally) stopped disbelieving when someone expresses romantic interest in me. Yep, I’m fat. And when he puts his arm around my waist, he’s going to feel my chub rolls and– foolish me for not realizing it sooner– it won’t come as a surprise because he can see them there, right above my thunder thighs :)
I’ve not dated anyone seriously since I broke off my long term relationships, but it’s because I’m finally listening to myself. No one I’ve met has been right for me, so once I figured that out I moved on. I don’t know if I’ll ever meet someone who makes me swoony, but I figure it’ll all work out in the end. I’m happier alone than I ever was in a relationship, and while I’d love to have a family someday, I’m not ready for it now anyway. Instead, I’m spending every day trying to make my little patch of Earth a better place and enjoying the job!
Actually, as someone who met her SO of nearly 3 years on OK Cupid, and in fact has gotten most of her significant relationships through some sort of personal ad, I have a somewhat different view — and methodology — when it comes to using them.
Most people who write personal ads try to draw in as many potential suitors as possible; I, on the other hand, wrote my ads in such a way that very few people were interested, but they were of the highest quality (i.e. rightness for me). I was not looking to go out on date after date after date; I wanted to put out a very finely tuned signal that the “right person” would be able to hear, but most “wrong people” would be turned off by. And that is exactly what happened; both my current SO and my ex-husband (who I met on Match.com) were the ONLY serious respondents to my ads, and the only ones I needed.
As far as I’m concerned, a personal ad is the PERFECT place to talk about things that are important to you like chastity and vegetarianism; doing so will weed out lots of people who are not right for you. And don’t knock the idea of “practice dates” either. As long as you know that that’s what you’re doing, and you take proper precautions to protect yourself (like not giving out personal addresses, etc., too soon), there’s nothing wrong with taking a spin with a few people you know are not long-term prospects, either, just to get your feet wet (or re-wet).
It is true that you can’t control the timing of when your “right person” shows up, though. I met C. within the first few weeks of signing up for OK Cupid; he had been on it for at least a year without meeting anyone who rang his chimes.
I have been fat since I was a fetus.
Since High School I haven’t been single but for a few weeks here and there. I didn’t date a lot in high school but went to every dance (except prom - I went to a party instead.)
I attribute this to a few things (not necessarily in this order):
a) My attitude.
b) Luck.
c) My penchant for adoring nerds with no self-esteem that thought I was a goddess for noticing them.
I went through a “round heeled” phase, a serious dating phase, and now I’m married.
The one thing, though, is that I never was able to score a date from an online dating site. I’d get emails saying awful things like, “I’d date you if you weren’t so damn fat.” But telnet served me VERY well back in the day, as did online bulletin boards and MUSHes and MUDs (oh my!)
Ah…for the romance of Internet days gone by.
Most people who write personal ads try to draw in as many potential suitors as possible; I, on the other hand, wrote my ads in such a way that very few people were interested, but they were of the highest quality (i.e. rightness for me). I was not looking to go out on date after date after date; I wanted to put out a very finely tuned signal that the “right person” would be able to hear, but most “wrong people” would be turned off by.
I love this approach! Leave it to Meowser to hack internet dating. :)
p.s. I don’t mean that everyone should be fat and dating/married/putting out. I was really pushing more the luck and picking the lonely boys angle. I reread it and I’m afraid it will come off as “my life is so easy yours should be too!” My life has not been easy, nor should anyone feel bad if theirs hasn’t been.
I have two stories, I guess. I met my partner through his housemate when we lived across the street from each other. We were friends for a year or so before we went out after friends suggested to each of us that we should. I kissed him because it was clear that he wasn’t going to and then we dated for a few months. It did not go well. I moved out of town for a few years, but he was waiting for me when I came home and we’ve been together since the day I got back. I was 32 and he was 25. Now we’ve been married for four years and have a 3 yr old son. So mutual friends worked well for us but my sister…
has been together for 12 years with a man she met on the internet. They also have a son, a 4 yr old, and are v. happy. He’s a vegetarian, she’s not; he’s atheist, she’s pagan, etc. I know a number of people who have made connections on the internet, mostly through usenet as opposed to dating sites, but if you find a dating site that focuses on what you’re looking for, it opens up your odds tremendously.
All my relationships were unexpected - the closest I’ve come to meeting someone conventionally was at a party at a friend’s house, and that didn’t go anywhere because I’d met someone wonderful the week before through unconventional methods.
My husband and I met online back in the dark ages when few people had heard of the internet and it was a dark and scary place. What made it more interesting is that I had a serious boyfriend at the time and he had a serious girlfriend - in fact, I’d put in place a policy that I would only form online friendships with guys who were safely attached because otherwise they tended to want things I was not comfortable with.
But over time I broke up with my boyfriend, he broke up with his girlfriend (all for unrelated reasons) and well, the rest is history. We’ve been married 13 years.
Weird things happen. I think it’s just as silly to say it’ll never happen as it is to say of course it will happen, because we just don’t know.
Don’t make indirect advances, especially not by droppinng hints to friends. Ambiguity breeds confusion and smacks of lack of confidence in both yourself and the person that interests you. It sends the clear message that you don’t trust the person to behave in a mature fashion. If you do it through friends, it indicates that you aren’t prepared to behave in a mature fashion.
One does not need to be aggressively flirtatious, dress provocatively, or even talk a lot to gain positive attention from people one finds attractive. One simply needs to have the courage to be direct.
I am a very quiet person. I usually don’t speak unless someone asks me a direct question. However, I gain attention by making eye contact when I listen, smiling, and asking questions. I show a direct interest in people, which usually leads to them showing an interest in me.
The more attractive I find someone, the more frequently I make eye contact. I don’t stare, but it’s very obvious when my eyes are drawn to someone. The moment that they notice is usually the moment that I compliment them on their smile or their eyes or whatever it was that drew my attention. It breaks the ice and gives them an opportunity to return the interest if they have any.
Interacting with people directly gives me more confidence in myself and allows them to have confidence in me because they see that I’m not afraid to speak my mind even though I’m a quiet person. I certainly get much more positive attention than I did back when I was indirect and dropping hints through friends.
I haven’t found love yet, but I haven’t really been ready for it. I’m keeping my skills honed so that things will go smoothly when I am ready, but I’m not ready.
I wonder why no one has mentioned sites specifically for fat girls and the boys who love them.
Seriously, there is nothing better for your self esteem than the realization that there are LOTS of boys who think big girls are gorgeous. And not in creepy, fetishy ways.
Me- I have my own high standards. I don’t date anyone without a graduate degree (I like smart and determined guys), I like guys who speak more than one language and who love to travel, etc.
What I don’t do is limit based on things that other people tell me I should want. Tall, whatever. I’ve dated tall, I’ve also dated a lot of lovely short guys (and there is something very hot about towering over your date in a pair of heels)
Almost all dating starts out superficially. You might as well start with a pool of men who already think people your (our) size are attractive. And don’t be afraid to get some dating experience with people who don’t meet all of your qualifications. I am sooooo not the type to ever settle down and be married, but just by sheer number of opportunities I could.
Great comments on this post!
The only thing I can add is that you might want to try to look outside the US. We live in a horribly fatphobic culture, as we all know, but there are some parts of the world where fat bodies are considered a beauty ideal. (Fat women friends who have been to Morocco report that they’d never received so much positive male attention.) Of course cultural norms vary a lot and it’s dangerous to try to stereotype– but if you can meet people (through community groups, volunteering, music or whatever floats your boat) whose cultural backgrounds have given them other ways of thinking about fat women’s bodies, you might find a new pool of candidates!
Before I met my partner, I had a plan for if I hadn’t managed to find someone by the time I turned thirty. I was going to take a trip across the country to Sydney, and hire a gigolo to find out what the whole “sex” thing was about. At the time, I figured it was my only chance of ever having sex with a partner other than my own right hand.
I met my partner through the worst job I’d ever had in my life. I was working for a government department, formally assigned to one office, but spending a lot of time at a second in order to receive the training for the main systems used in the tasks. He worked at the office I was being trained at. We actually met in the break room - he quoted one of my favourite authors, and I leaped at him and started swapping favourite lines. From there, we developed a friendship which stretched over the next nine months to include occasional movies, and regular email exchanges. The job was hideous, and I wound up quitting (as an alternative to commiting suicide, which had been my first choice). This led to the one and only manic episode in my life, where I felt I had the confidence to do all kinds of insane things (leap tall buildings in a single bound; solve major political, social and religious issues; bring about world peace; tell this guy I really liked him).
I think one thing I should point out is that while we’re partners, we’re primarily friends more than anything else. We’re both independent people, who go our own ways (to the point where one therapist I visited wondered why the hells we were still together, since we didn’t really have that much in common). We maintain our own interests, and while there’s some overlap, it’s mostly cursory. Sex is very much a maybe thing (mainly because the medication I take for depression has absolutely killed my libido stone dead… while I wasn’t on the meds, my libido was more active than his) but hugs, cuddles, snuggles and kisses are an everyday thing. But the big thing for us is we keep each other hopping mentally, and that’s the thing we can’t get from other places.
dating? is evil evil evil. in my very limited experience with this form of torture, it has been impossible to get to know someone when we’re engaged in this ridiculous sort of social game. i’ve gotten into a couple of different relationships this way, and they were brief, awkward, and (ultimately) dishonest. the aspie thing makes social calculation that much more impossible. hate, hate dating.
what has always worked out best for me is getting together with male friends. know someone, like someone, keep hanging out and being honest, and eventually one person says “i, um, don’t want to, like, um, freak you out, or anything, but, uh, i think i… uh… nevermind,” and the other person often clues in and has been having some similar thoughts that they’ve been having trouble working up the nerve to act on. (passing messages on through other people has always been imprecise and embarrassing.) long-distance friendships have been particularly conducive to this sort of mutation, but this could be because i find online friendships to be easier than face-to-face interaction in general. i just need to actually *know* someone on a meaningful level before i can contemplate trying to have a romantic relationship with them.
the chastity thing might be a limitation, but not as much of a limitation as the media would generally have you believe. i used to be very christian, and still had relationships with guys despite my sexual prohibitions. if this is something important to you, don’t compromise on it because you will just feel like a self-betraying piece of crap if you do things you do not want to do. been there. not worth it. when i stopped allowing myself to be pressured into conforming to other people’s expectations, sexual or otherwise, i became much more capable of having healthy romantic relationships.
i did eventually become an atheist, which made sex something to be considered carefully rather than ruled out automatically. even then, though, neither of the men i’ve had sex with pressured me into it. both have respected me and my autonomy, and cared about me. someone telling you that they would like to have sex with you is honesty, not pressure, if they’re doing so respectfully and don’t make it into a giant issue from that point onward. if virginity had continued to be important to me to this day, i can honestly say that those two relationships would have been of identical duration without premarital sex (and one is still ongoing). for some people, it’s too important and they might have to respectfully break things off. for others, they’ll just be assholes (and you wouldn’t really want to be with them long-term, anyway). in my experience, though, sexual desire and personal convictions don’t have to result in some gigantic deal-breaking clash.
the boy i’m marrying was an emphatically-off-limits long-distance friend for years. he has also been the only person i feel i can trust completely and the only one who has never broken a promise to me. then he left an abusive first marriage and asked if i would maybe possibly consider contemplating trying to perhaps date him a little? i agreed, he moved closer, and despite all the emotional baggage he’s brought with him, i know that this was the best decision of my life.
Then, later, my boyfriend told me that she had thought they were going out because they hung out so much, so he put an end to their friendship.
hlynn…been there. The other girl, I mean; I was her, about twenty years ago. And, in this one particular case it went on a fairly long time, and we’d begun to get physically intimate, before he did the ‘just friends’ thing (telling his mom and brother, who assumed we were an item, in front of me, about his hot new girlfriend, who happened not to be me. Worst. Pain. Ever.).
That was an exception, though, and I did use to get the just-friends rebuff so many times, in much more clear-cut circumstances, that I always assumed there was some special interested-guy radar that other women had that I’d been born lacking. Actually, it was really just the case that I’d never got my head round the concept of being happy on my own, and didn’t do so till after my divorce. Only then did I start mixing with guys purely to do friend stuff, and realizing that I got on just fine with them without having anything more ’serious’ in mind. I don’t like to say to Alone that it’s a good idea to just go out there and forget about the whole search for love thing, because I know how much that used to annoy me. But it may be a good point.
The irony being, I didn’t then meet my husband face-to-face through anything social; I met him via a small ad. I’d met my first husband via a dating agency - not really a good idea, a lot of fibbing going on I suspect, a lot of guys looking for sex and not actual relationships, and some real compatibility issues didn’t really enter the picture. Like, in this case, spirituality. My ex found out I was pagan shortly after he met me, never quite understood that, and never showed much sign of wanting to (he had no beliefs as such but he just found it ‘weird’). I ‘m with you on that, Alone - your deepest beliefs, whatever they are, are not something you should have to sweep under the carpet for a partner’s sake - so I put an ad in one of the pagan mags. I got only one reply, but by then I’d replied to another ad in the same issue, and that’s how I met my husband. We exchanged photos pretty early on, and he’s never had any issues about my weight. We’ve now been together for over a decade, married for eight years.
Luck? Absolutely. And a great deal of learning from experience I wish I hadn’t had to do, but it seems to have been par for the course.
Following up on Jen’s comment, fillyjonk’s response, and Jane’s. I’ve read that surveys show that on average, married and single women report equal levels of happiness. Of course, that’s imperfect by leaving out the non-married partnered, and gay, but it’s an important point.
All that said, I’m someone who’s single and wishes I weren’t. But, to riff on this site’s greatest hit, I’ve learned not to be demoniated by ‘the fantasy of when I find true love.’ I know there are things I enjoy about having my own space, and making my own decisions that I’d miss, I’m still looking, but I’m also excited about other things that might come into my life - risks that might be easier to do without a partner. So sometimes I find myself thinking, “enjoy this now while you have it!” It’s a nice feeling.
I think I wasn’t expecting to find love when I met my now-husband because I wasn’t expecting I would ever find love. (How awesome that at 18 years old I figured I already knew everything like that.) I went through high school like a lot of fat, shy girls–with a lot of unrequited crushes, which there is nothing wrong with per se, but in my case they seemed to function to reinforce both my tendency to romanticize the idea of “the one,” and my belief that unrequited crushes would be all I ever had. Of course AA is 30-something and I was not, so this “advice” many not apply– but as much as I love my husband and wouldn’t change anything that has gotten me to this point, I really wish I had just dated a lot somewhere along the line. Not to find “the one,” as others have commented, but just to get out there and meet people and learn more about how to relate to men.
One of my early crushes was on a cruel, fatphobic asshole, so I think this also contributed to my baseline belief that no boy I talked to could possibly have any interest in me. But in looking back, I think I missed a whole bunch of cues thinking this way. If I had it to do over, I think I would try to “put myself out there,” talk to or flirt more with guys I found attractive, etc. I think this would have been a useful experience for me, but as I said my belief that I was ugly to every guy who ever existed was so ironclad when I was younger that I would sooner have taken my clothes off in the middle of a restaurant than gone up to a strange boy and started a conversation. But upon consideration, this would not actually have been such an outlandish thing to do. :P
I also second the idea that you might consider dating folks who don’t share your exact belief system, as long as they respect your beliefs (not to say you might not already be doing this). People continually surprise me. We learned yesterday that my husband’s cousin is dating a vegan, and cousin’s family are dairy farmers and about as judgmental and dismissive of vegans as you might expect if you were to stereotype “farmers’ attitudes toward vegans.” Frankly I wouldn’t have thought any of them would touch a potential vegan date with a 10-foot pole. But it seems to be working out OK, so I can only assume the two have found a way to respect each other’s beliefs. Certainly a partner constantly prodding and making fun of your veganism, religion, or political beliefs would be an unworkable situation, but then again you don’t want to be dating an asshole who makes a hobby out of provoking you in the first place.
My husband is a Republican and I am not, and we fight about it from time to time, but basically we love and respect each other and each think the other is a good person, so tensions don’t run that high very often, even though we watch The Daily Show together pretty frequently. :) And honestly in our case, our core values are much more similar than you might expect just looking at our voting affiliations.
I eat meat, so certainly it’s a lot easier for me to say, but meat-eating practices are actually one example of this in our relationship. If there is a “spectrum” of vegetarianism then I would say that left to my own devices I would probably functionally be a vegetarian (I do have qualms about the morality of meat-eating or more specifically the raising and slaughtering of meat animals, plus raw meat is kind of gross and expensive, so if I lived alone I think I would probably just eventually quit buying it), whereas my husband’s family is more along the lines of “meat at every meal and we don’t really care what the animal’s life was like.” My husband himself is somewhere in the middle–despite being a pretty frugal guy, he goes along with my spending twice as much to try and secure “humanely raised and slaughtered” meat, eggs, and milk, enjoys cooking and eating vegetarian meals (which we eat a lot of the time) and has never seemed to “miss the meat,” and he absolutely loves and dotes on our cat and is very kind to animals in general. So for me, I feel that his “core values” related to compassion for animals and mine (and even those of, say, my vegan best friend) are not all that different, though he and my friend might look like vastly different people on paper. Again it’s easy for me to say, because I have a more wishy-washy belief system about using animal products than you do and yours might be much more non-negotiable, but I hope I am making some kind of sense here.
Anyway, since it can be so fraught to date coworkers and it’s difficult to meet people elsewhere when you are working long hours and trying to, you know, do other stuff to relax besides attempting to meet people, I have to concur that luck is a huge part of the equation. I happened to meet my husband when I was 18 and in college. If I hadn’t, who knows whether someone else would have come along for me. It’s such a crapshoot. My husband works in a college town, and a few of his single coworkers are currently trying to decide where in the surrounding area they would like to move because they have found it basically impossible to meet other 30-something professionals, or really anyone other than undergraduate students, where they live now. Meanwhile I can live wherever I please–wherever is most pleasant and cheapest and most convenient–and I don’t have to worry about this kind of stuff. It hardly seems fair.
(I know we don’t talk like this around here, but I was glad Kate a while back shot down the vague idea that “someone will come to you if you’re confident and when you’re not looking,” which seems to be popular advice from couples to single people. To me this has always been about as offensive as telling a woman who is trying to conceive that she’ll get pregnant if she just “relaxes and stops trying so hard.” Gah.)
Hey Red Queen, what are your favorite fat dating sites? I was musing about Dimensions recently, but it seems a lot of women find it problematic over there because of what they see as a fetish focus. I think if I were looking, it would help me out to know about some other resources for fat-friendly dating.
Erg, dating is a sucky thing. It is especially a sucky thing when you are a fat and girl and made even suckier if your religion restricts your dating pool. I totally understand not wanting to compromise on religion since it’s one of my priorities. I’m a religious Jew, but not Orthodox. Add the fat thing on top of it, and there are approximately 27 guys in the country who I can date, and my guess is that most of them live in New York (I do not).
So, I guess, the important thing to remember is that we are inherently picky. People who get lots of dates are usually much less picky. So it is no good to compare yourself with other people.
My story isn’t complete right now. I’m still pretty young, only 22. I didn’t date anyone until I was 20, then I decided to give up on boys. 2 months later I met the guy who I dated for over a year (who more-or-less matched my religious convictions). I spent about a semester recovering, and then met another one who I’ve been casually dating for about 3 months since I’m moving across the country to a city where there exists ANOTHER boy (who also matches me religiously). This one is the best of the three, since we’ve been friends for seven years and only recently started to come to terms with our feelings for each other. I get warm fuzzies when I think about that one. :)
So, I guess, the point is that it’s totally possible to be inexperienced, fat, and religious and find people to date. You just need to have some luck and confidence. I’ve also found, with me and my friends, that once we got through the first experience, it was easier to find other ones. It’s probably a confidence thing.
Good luck!
My husband and I had been friends for 3+ years before we started dating. Not only that, I had previously been interested in him, and had told him that, and he had very politely told me that he was not interested. Now we’ve been together for 6 years, and married for 2. So, my advice is, if you are interested in one of your friends, and he isn’t initially interested, don’t abandon that friendship because you’re embarrassed or whatever (this assumes that the guy was polite and kind about the lack of interest. If he was a jerk, he clearly isn’t worth your time.) You never know what will happen, and even if nothing ever does, you’ll still have an awesome friend.
I wonder why no one has mentioned sites specifically for fat girls and the boys who love them.
Seriously, there is nothing better for your self esteem than the realization that there are LOTS of boys who think big girls are gorgeous. And not in creepy, fetishy ways.
In my case, I haven’t found any sites like that — the responses I got were the “creepy, fetishy” type. So I went back to OKCupid, which hasn’t been too successful, but I think it’s a matter of geography narrowing my “pool” even more than usual.
So if you have any sites in particular you’d like to share??? :-)
…
I’m single at 42, and mostly happy with my self and my life. Although I did have relationships in the past, it’s been a long while. I’ve come to believe that being an opinionated, feminist in a conservative part of the country is as much, if not more of an issue than my weight. Could be just the opinionated part that’s the problem… heh.
As much as it would be great to have a good relationship, I feel like the idea that being single is somehow “wrong” or “incomplete” has caused me more pain in the long run than actually being single. It’s an insidious idea and even well-meaning people can add to the “pile-on” without realizing.
And I can attest from experience that being in bad relationships has definitely caused more hurt than any of the time I’ve been on my own.
And I can attest from experience that being in bad relationships has definitely caused more hurt than any of the time I’ve been on my own.
Fuckin’ A, Tricia.
Oh m goodness, do I need this post right now! I’m 22 and have never been on a date, and I’m at that age where most of my friends are getting married/in a serious relationship. Plus, most of my married/engaged female friends are thinner than me, which creates a lot of bad body image days.
Patience is a tough pill to swallow when it comes to relationships.
I wish I had read this post when I was 26 and had never been kissed. It would have helped me so much to get this reassurance and encouragement.
Thanks, fillyjonk.
I’m pretty sure before I can find love I need to go on dates, and before I can go on dates I need to learn to flirt. I grew up closeted in a Catholic school, and although I’ve known I was at least bi since I was 13, it’s only been in the last year (I’m 22) that I’ve come out to my family, joined the lgbt soc on campus, and generally stopped hiding (from) myself. I still pull myself back HARD from flirting with girls because I just assume a) they’re straight and b) they’re not interested. Which I’m well aware is pretty fucked up, thanks.
I’ve still had two long-term relationships (one a guy and one a girl) but both of them were in love with me and I didn’t feel the same, so I should never have let them go on as long as I did. As to how they happened — both were drunken-hookups-turned-relationships because I felt too guilty turning them down after. I wouldn’t recommend that but, you know, it doesn’t sound like that’s a danger for the letter-writer. Good effort there.
Yeah, I’m one of those people who NEEDED both feminism and fat acceptance to come along and kick me in the ass. ::rolls eyes at self::
As to how they happened — both were drunken-hookups-turned-relationships because I felt too guilty turning them down after.
Oh jeez, I’ve been on the other side of that relationship. And part of me knew all along that was the only reason we were together, but I kinda figured: “Hey, once we’ve been dating a while, he’ll realise how great I am and decide he wanted to be in a relationship with me all this time.” Umm, yeah, not so much. I blame myself for sticking with it for as long as I did (it took a friend telling me, hey, you deserve better than this relationship to snap me out of it).
This is a bit of an aside, but I believe still a bit pertinent because of the “motives to do what we do to get a partner” thing, I think.
@Shoshie:
They do NOT necessarily live here. Do NOT move here because of that. Move here because there are thriving general communities of all religions, move here because you can’t stand to be without the art and the books and the concerts and the theatre and the Park and the university communities and because you think it’s one of the true centers of the universe (except without Chicago’s or Minneapolis’ weather or L.A. and the Bay’s traffic and earthquakes or D.C.’s or Philly’s or Miami’s murder rates).
But wherever you find a high percentage of supermodels, you will find guys of all religious persuasions who believe that their very own Heidi Klum lookalike is waiting around the corner just for them, even though the prototype just married and had several kids with Seal.
So wherever you go, 1) there you are and 2) there those types are too.
Just my $0.05 re: The Search.
<blockquote“i, um, don’t want to, like, um, freak you out, or anything, but, uh, i think i… uh… nevermind,” </blockquote
Have you been hiding somewhere I didn’t see you listening and observing every romantic relationship in my whole life?
I blame myself for sticking with it for as long as I did
Na na. The fault isn’t yours. Speaking for myself, keeping on a relationship with someone you know you don’t feel the same about is cowardly and patronising and unfair to both of you. I pretty much knew both of them were thinking what you were, and I still didn’t break it off because I couldn’t face causing them that pain. Like I wasn’t causing them pain anyway? And moreover, like I’m such a prize they won’t get over me breaking up with them? That’s pretty fucking conceited.
Ah, dear. At least I’ve learned from the experience — if I don’t think within a few weeks that the potential’s there for me to fall for them, I’m out of there. It’s best for both of us til I learn to sort myself out.
A few random comments:
One: I attend a weekly Socrates Cafe, where an informal group gets together, chooses a philosophical question, and discusses it for an hour and a half or so. I go with Writer Guy, who I’ve been seeing for a few weeks. At the last Cafe, the question under discussion was “What is the purpose of primary relationships?” It was fascinating (and weird, to be there on a date with someone I’m just getting to know). What finally came home to me was this: I have been happily single for many years, and am happily single today. I truly love my single life, and it’s a bit hard to figure out how to add a relationship to it. But over the course of the conversation, I realized that what I miss about not being a relationship is not so much the activities or the companionship or the sex or even the love - it’s the loving. The experience of loving is worth the pain of getting there, I think.
Two: I would love to try speed dating! But I’ve always been afraid - afraid that all the guys would show up and be angry or disappointed that they got stuck with the fatty, and that nobody would be interested. I guess that reflect my overall insecurities about dating.
Three: Re: Morocco? Word. When I was traveling alone in Morocco I got a ridiculous amount of attention from men (of both the charming and disgusting variety). Lovely: Had a lovely little fling with a man named Ahmed in Taghazout. Amusing: Was repeatedly catcalled in Marrakesh, by a man with a stall near my hotel, who every morning yelled - appreciatively - “Hey, big ass! Big ass!”
Meowser said:
Hmmm. When I write them specific and very much ‘me’ I get men who think I am some kind of challenge or am not really sure of what I want try to argue me into accepting their non-compliance via email (i.e. I want a man taller than me, so I get 5′2″ men writing to argue the point.) They have to spend money to send me their emails, so I find it doubly puzzling.
Back to AA…and Cailtin:
I have a friend from high school (now 40) who for 38 years never had a relationship or anything close; crushes yes, but no dates, no casual sex, no making out randomly, nada. I’m not sure whether she had any suitors, or guys who liked her that she didn’t recognize, however. She’s a lovely woman, of largeish size, very into family and such but she hung around a group that didn’t attract winners, KWIM? Well - she had a roommate that had a brother, and after he had stayed at their place for a few days for a work thing, they discovered they liked each other. Now they own a house together, have a brand-new baby and are getting married in a few months. And all this without ANY prior relationship experience…proving you don’t need a resume for love to come calling.
Wow, a few years ago I could have written AA’s letter. It matches me and what was my situation almost identically.
I decided at approx age 18 that no-one would ever love me. This was in main due to the weight and the way my parents’ attitude to it informed my own. Of course I had fantasies that someone out there would finally ’see’ me and he would be my soulmate, but I hid this hope under a general misery and certainty nobody would ever see past the way I looked (which, actually, was really not bad at all).
As I got older I watched my friends and siblings get married (3 younger sibs married at ages of 20 and 22), while I got older and stayed single). I come from a very marriage/family-oriented society - Jewish and Orthodox - and it is incredibly difficult to be single surrounded by that. Whatever my other accomplishments, it felt like that was the one important thing - and I was a failure. I had good male friends but I was either uninterested in them or they were uninterested in me. I always found it rare to be interested in anyone - I seemed to be a lot more ‘fussy’ in what interested me than a lot of people. It was never about looks for me; wit and humour and quickness and intelligence drew me, but in a certain combination that only came along rarely - sometimes in men who weren’t interested in me, and sometimes in men who weren’t available in the first place.
As I got older I did a lot of work on myself, and on my confidence. I should also add that to make my dating prospects worse, I moved to Israel when I was 22 - but still needed someone who shared my language as well as my culture and ideals. The pool of English-speaking single guys here who enter the realm of suitable is really not that big - and I’m not a natural at flirting/easy dating etc.
Before I go on to my ‘happily ever after’ story, I want to e