Just for reference, Mom is somewhere in the 28-36 size range (like anyone else, it varies based on manufacturer). The only place where she can reliably find clothes is Nordstroms. She lives 2.5 hours away from the nearest Nordstroms. She’s lucky, and can afford Nordies. If she couldn’t, she’d fulfill the fashion ideal, and be naked all the time, because other stores don’t carry large enough clothes. It takes her less time to shop for most clothes than it does for me to do the same. Epic all day shopping trips to get *one* woman an outfit are the story of both our lives.

Thing is, my thin privilege is not ok. Not only does it dehumanize Mom, it dehumanizes *me*. A major part of our relationship is based upon me providing a Magic Thinness Shield around her so she can function in our society. She doesn’t go out alone if she can avoid it. If one of her children or her husband is present, she’s got her Magic Thinness Shield and can get something vaguely resembling treatment as a human.

I’ve watched her deal with the real world when the other person thinks she’s just a fat old lady. The change in behavior the moment a thin person appears is horrifying. It doesn’t mean she gets good treatment… just that there’s some vague chance that the other person won’t be actively abusive. If the other person thinks they can get away with it, they’ll do things like only talk to the thin person, as if fat is a dread contagious disease. Or they’ll magically start treating mom like an adult once there’s a thin daughter present. Alone, she’s treated like a child, ignored, and sometimes verbally abused.

I don’t know what she goes through if she goes to a restaurant alone. I don’t think she ever does, which leads me to think it’s awful. She’s not timid or shy about defending herself… but there’s only so much she can do without having a screaming fit. Without a Magic Thinness Shield, she’s not real.

Yeah, smart people had been telling me for years that this was the case, but I didn’t really believe or understand it until I was the thinnest I had ever been (which, I mean, is not that thin, but I always figured this particular number would make me OK) and I still wasn’t satisfied. You mean all of those thinner women are telling the truth and being them isn’t just sunshine and roses all the time either? :)

This is an excellent point, Elizabeth.

You mention you have thin privilege as a UK 14 (I’m probably a bit bigger than you as a US 12) but that doesn’t mean you aren’t “too big” to fit in. That is so true. Kate wrote a while back about how people will see her picture and email to say “oh, you’re not that fat,” which I guess they think is a compliment because they might think this guy over here is (smelly, lazy, a drain on society, greedy, whatever) but it’s OK, because Kate is not THAT fat, so they don’t assume those things about her. Whereas the issue is a) that of course you shouldn’t assume those things about anyone, so it’s not exactly a compliment to be “thin enough” to just barely avoid judgment and stereotyping, and secondarily b) in some ways it really doesn’t matter if you are a US 8 or a US 32, if you aren’t bone-thin, you are likely going to face similar pressures to diet during your formative years that will have similar impacts on your relationship with food and your body. In many ways it’s easier if you are fat, but thin enough to “pass,” but in many ways it’s all the same. That is one reason why I always refer to myself as fat (I mean, as it comes up, not incessantly) and try not to let people off the hook if they pull the “oh, you’re not that fat” thing.

Also, when thin women get judged for eating, etc, the whole purpose is to remind them of the danger of losing their privilege. Privilege is rarely if ever free, especially if it’s about something changeable. Membership in the privileged group always has costs (that the privileged exact from each other); that doesn’t mean it’s not privilege relative to everyone else.

Cf. “patriarchy is bad for men too, they’re required to suppress their feelings”

They already have. No one will sell me private insurance at 5’9″, 240 lbs.