F**kin’ A

Via Fatadelic, the Cuss-o-meter:

The Blog-O-Cuss Meter - Do you cuss a lot in your blog or website?

“This is 647% MORE than other websites who took this test,” the website helpfully explains. Average Cuss-o-meter reading is 9%. Hee.

The Rotund and I recently sent a chapter to our editor so she could advise us on keeping the two-become-one voice smooth before we proceeded* with writing the rest of the book. One of the suggestions she had was that we should cut down on the swearing, saving dirty words for moments when they would have maximum impact. Fair enough.

But here’s the hilarious part. Because we’d been focusing on blending our voices, The Rotund had actually sworn more than usual–knowing damn well who her co-writer was–and I had dialed it down, knowing my co-writer doesn’t habitually say “fuck” every other word, so any passages that looked like that would scream “KATE.”

Turns out meeting each other halfway is still too much. And that is so totally all my fault. Heh. What can I say? I blame my longshoremen parents for raising me in a barn.

And since I have to be more conservative in the book, you’d better fuckin’ believe I’m gonna keep working on getting a 100% rating around here.

*Speaking of editors, I was just telling FJ this morning that I have an almost superstitious fear of remarking on my mad grammar skillz, because it inevitably means the next sentence out of my mouth/fingers will contain a glaring error. The original version of this post said “preceded” there. SEE?

59 thoughts on “F**kin’ A

  1. I couldn’t believe we only made 67.2%. How are there pages on this blog that don’t contain cussing? What are we doing wrong?

  2. Is it just by word in a page, or do the words per page add in too?
    Because I’ll be happy to do my part to add to the fucking coolness of this fucking site that beats the shit out of all those fat-phobic assholes out there. :)

    (Funny thing is, I rarely curse IRL, just when I comment in blogs)

  3. I wonder if the problem is too many cuss words that the calculator doesn’t recognize, like “douchehound” and “fartknocker.”

  4. Well surprise me cunt! Looks like we have some fucking work to do!

    I love the internet because I get to swear online, and my twins never know it. IRL I have to set a good example yadda yadda yadda….

  5. Haha, you’d think given the title of my blog mine would rank even slightly higher than the 0 percent ranking I received.

    I swear a lot in real life, more than I would like, but when I blog, it’s difficult to drop the reporter in me and just let go of formality and propriety.

  6. This is fan-fucking-tastic news! But, shit, we’re gonna have to try harder to get this blog a goddman 100…’cause that would be spec-muthafuckin-tacular! Me cunt n’ I will do our part.

  7. Grr! Arrrgh! Fucking typos! I meant to say GODDAMN not goddman – that would be like a man of god I suppose and they’re of course welcome to comment here as long as they’re fat positive and like to curse a lot.

  8. Is this the part where I post that poem I wrote for my senior portfolio that managed to use “fuck” as every part of speech that is not a function word?

    No one has ever agreed to publish that poem, either, and I can’t figure out why….

  9. Is this the part where I post that poem I wrote for my senior portfolio that managed to use “fuck” as every part of speech that is not a function word?

    Do you even need to ask? Of course it is.

  10. Heh. I only got 32 percent. Amazing how little people swear on teh interwebs. And why the hell did I start cutting my fucks and shits and asses down?

    And Dani? We must read the poem.

  11. I work in a newsroom.

    Which means I was able to explain “surprise me cunt” to my colleagues and no one winced.

  12. I just guffawed and scared people. Thanks a fucking million, juliafaye.

    Someone needs to put “fucking eh!” on a T-shirt.

  13. that would be like a man of god I suppose and they’re of course welcome to comment here as long as they’re fat positive and like to curse a lot.

    You have no idea what a huge fucking relief that is to me.
    WTFWJD?

  14. I should have known that I wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought I was :( I only rated 41.9% of my pages with cussing and 366% more than other sites submitted. Damn, I’m gonna hafta work harder on that (and here DH tells me I swear worse than a sailor *g*, and he should know, he was one for 20 years).

  15. You, Melissa and Physioprof win my Internet Swear Awards. I’m not sure why all three prizes go to women, but I suspect it’s ‘cos women are breaking more of a taboo and therefore taking more glee in it. With swearing, as with grammar, being keenly aware of rules helps you break them better.

  16. One of my hobby is sewing. On the sewing boards, every so often the topic of “what’s your most useful tool” comes up. My answer is always: my extensive and colorful vocabulary of curse words. Because I use them ALL the time when I’m sewing.

    They think I’m kidding.

    Keep up the good work!

  17. You have no idea what a huge fucking relief that is to me.
    WTFWJD?

    Okay, this made me laugh a bit too much.

  18. You, Melissa and Physioprof win my Internet Swear Awards.

    Oh shit, is there a little graphic we can put on the site? There should be!

  19. Is this the part where I post that poem I wrote for my senior portfolio that managed to use “fuck” as every part of speech that is not a function word?

    Yes, please?

  20. Someone needs to put “fucking eh!” on a T-shirt.

    Oh, it’s been done. I’m too lazy to Google, but I’ve definitely seen that.

    And Dani, make with the poem.

  21. I scored really, really low, but I tend to use asterisks and imply cursing when writing. Verbally? Well, I do curse, and usually quite creatively. But I do it rarely enough that people look up and stare intensely, or run for cover, when I do. I like it when words have impact ;)
    Now, I need to run to school, and hopefully those dripping fuckwads finally have things straightened out so I can apply to graduate in 5 weeks.
    :)

  22. WTFWJD?

    My day? Totally fucking made. Thanks, mrs.millur.

    I actually worry that I swear too much on the internet, and that someone is going to be offended. I do it anyway, but I worry about it.

  23. OK, I really have nothing to add (though I attempt to do my part by calling such things as trolls, nylons, and the like “fuckers” on a regular basis) but I can’t get over “dripping fuckwads” (whom I indeed hope can get their shit together, Krista, and congrats on imminent graduation). You guys are awesome. It is cracking me up how the cursing is causing the tone on this thread to be friendly and positive yet somehow aggressively enraged at the same time. :)

  24. friendly and positive yet somehow aggressively enraged at the same time

    Precisely the tone I aim for every day! See, there’s a good reason why I swear so much.

  25. Precisely the tone I aim for every day!

    And that’s why I love it here!

    Johnny B. Average, I for one really appreciate your attention to etiquette. Not conveying the proper tone can really make you look like a total fucking asshat, and it’s about damn time some people figured that shit out.

    Now I’m off to have some really fucking delicious stew for dinner. Smell ya later, buttmunches!

  26. TropicalChrome, I know exactly what you mean. I crochet and knit stuff that are supposed to be “prayer shawls”, where you say a little prayer for the recipient with every stitch. Unfortunately, mine always turn out to be “blasphemy shawls” because of all the swearing that goes on as I fuck up.

  27. kateharding: “And Dani, make with the poem.”

    Yes, we need the fucking poem. Right fucking now. (See, I’m helping.)

  28. Took me all day to find this thing. Apparently, when I file something, it STAYS filed, dammit.

    Ode to “Fuck”

    “It’s neither genteel or poetic,” I hear,
    “to swear and be calling it art.”
    But how can I exclude from my palette, my dear,
    a word so lovely as “fuck”?
    Come now! A word with such flex, so diverse,
    ought not to be held in disdain!
    Is “fuck” to blame for its birth on the streets?
    Lend a moment, and I shall explain.

    Perhaps a lesson in grammar will teach
    why “fuck” deserves poetic prize.
    Name me another in English; I dare
    you to find words so perfectly wise.
    “Fuck” is a noun; see, “My boss is a fuck.”
    And an adverb, you’ll fucking well see.
    A verb itself too, ‘cause we all like to fuck—
    and a transitive one! Yes, fuck me!

    Have an “ed”? An adjective’s born!
    Have a fucked hat, a fucked car, a fucked dog.
    Now have you a word that’s more versatile yet?
    Of course, now don’t get me wrong—
    “Fuck” is not pronoun or preposition,
    or conjunction, but in poetic speech
    we write like a telegram reads anyway.
    Send “fuck”s! They’re just ten cents each!

    So why would I waste the good paper to write
    an ode that runs my name to the ground?
    (You should see it coming a mile away)—
    I just enjoy fucking around.

    (2004)

  29. Time-Machine: “Dani, that poem is fabulous.”

    No shit, it really is great. I’m totally jealous that I didn’t write it.

  30. Hi I am a slam poetry geek:

    10, 10, 10, 10… AND A MOTHERFUCKIN’ 10!

    (Also, it reminded me of an xkcd strip I love: “Where’s my fucking jacket?” “Next to your regular one.”)

  31. Dani, I swoon- you are fucking fantabulous. And I am so glad I sneaked over here when I am supposed to be doing homework!

    And SCG- they did, I shall, and Magna Cum Laude as well (Preen, preen- although I need to get my work done for these last few classes. Damn Senioritis. I didn’t know 30+ year-olds were still fucking susceptible.)

  32. That thing is broken for me.

    http://naamah-darling.livejournal.com/

    That is my homepage. Anyone who knows me knows that I swear probably more than anyone ELSE they know. I counted 30 variations of “fuck” on that first page, which contains one of the most swearing-laden entries I’ve done in many a day. Yet the toy gives me 0% fuckage.

    Did I break it by swearing TOO MUCH? *lol*

    I want to know my swearing percentage!

  33. Naamah Darling: It means your LJ contains more swears than THE ENTIRE REST OF THE INTERNET COMBINED.

    It tagged my LJ at 50%, which seems low. Guess I’ll have to try harder.

  34. You better get to Cursing Annonymous, or else they’ll never let you in the super awesome The No Cussing Club. (Our local news just did a fluffy little bit about it about 2 minutes ago and then I came here and read this!)

  35. Pingback: Well. Maybe I Don’t Have Such A Filthy Mouth. « Hyde and Seek

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