I Am Not Making this up: Liposculpting

From the Department of Oh, For Fuck’s Sake comes this article about “liposculpting”–liposuction done on already very thin and/or muscular people who want to look more like… well, sculptures.

THEY are the last people you’d think need liposuction — personal trainers, runners, gym rats and everyday athletes who spend hours each week trying to sculpt a perfect physique — yet no matter their routine, that chiseled hard-bodied look has somehow eluded them.

Yeah, you think maybe that’s because “that chiseled hard-bodied look” is, you know, COMPLETELY UNNATURAL?

Nope, not if you ask Tito Hernandez, a personal trainer who “wanted the six-pack abs [he] had when [he] was younger.” (Stupid aging!) After the surgery:

“Everything looks better,” he said. “It looks more natural now — and it has gotten me more clients.”

Emphasis mine. Shooting pain behind the right eye also mine.

So, yeah. If, by working out hours every day, you still can’t get that natural made-of-marble look? There’s always surgery. To look more natural.

Of course, the surgery doesn’t actually stop your body’s stubborn quest to make you look unnatural by protecting your bones and organs with an unsightly layer of fat.

If a patient ever gains more than 15 pounds, “much of the definition goes away,” said [Dr. John] Millard….

You don’t say. Aaand, wait for it –

“…This is not a license to eat ice cream.”

Fortunately, this is. And it’s a lot cheaper than lipo.

72 thoughts on “I Am Not Making this up: Liposculpting

  1. If it doesn’t come with a license to eat ice cream, I don’t want to be in that revolution.

    I guess the phrase “it looks more natural” now means “more like a Photoshopped magazine cover”.

  2. There’s an article in this month’s Glamour all about new and ever more unnecessary plastic surgery people are getting. For example, labiaplasty. Some women are thoroughly convinced about the ugliness of their vulvas and so feel compelled to get them surgically altered. And I’m not even touching butt-implants or some of the other things they talked about.

  3. AND he uses his unnaturally created natural look to gain clients who think he can personally train them to look like him. Isn’t that false advertising? Isn’t is setting his clients up for failure? Isn’t it just an outright fucking lie?

  4. I know someone like this. A friend of mine is a personal trainer, and she literally worked out every day. It was her job. She is gorgeous, very “fit” (at least according to what people think fit looks like) – actually, she is very healthy, thin but not skinny, toned – just an all around amazing person. She actually went in for a lipo consultation for her humongoid thunder thighs. The doctor laughed at her. I so, actually, feel bad for her because she truly did think that there was something wrong with her. She is beyond that now, thank god, and was always very kind to other people’s bodies. She always told me how beautiful I looked, all 250+ pounds of me, and she truly meant it. She was just stuck in the same place some of us get stuck – “You’re beautiful the way you are, but there’s something wring with me.” It makes me so sad. But this guy? He sounds like a douche.

  5. *headdesk*

    Is the need to revoke permission to eat sweet, sweet ice cream (or donuts or cookies or chips or *insert name of tasty treat here*) whenever they mention something about weight loss a documented medical tic yet?

  6. “…This is not a license to eat ice cream.”

    Every time I see that phrase or a variation thereof in a story, I just want to beat the hell out of something. That smug, condescending tone…AUGH.

    And the “…spend(ing) hours each week trying to sculpt a perfect physique”–all I can think is how much stuff they’re missing out on.

  7. Yeah no kidding. I’ve always been to busy LIVING to worry about excersizing religiously. Yikes. Pass the ice cream!

  8. It just goes to show you that as long as you stay in that dieting mindset, nothing is good enough. Even working out hours daily isn’t enough, now you have to have surgery to obtain that “perfect” physique. How unhealthy – physically and mentally! No thanks – pass the ice cream! I’ll take Godiva Vanilla Black Raspberry, pleez? ;)

  9. This reminds me of my MIL, she keeps going on the Atkins plan, even though she had colon cancer a few years ago and so it is even worse for her. She nibbles at dinner (“see how good I’m doing on my diet”) type of thing….heads off to her room and snacks on her hidden stash all evening. Then…yep…you know it…complains that she just can’t seem to lose any weight!!

    I’m with the rest of you – make mine ‘chubby hubby’ and pass me a spoon!!

  10. I had another thought too. About 5 yrs ago I was a member of TOPS, for those unfamiliar with the group, they don’t give you a set diet plan…it’s a support group only. Every week there would be a prize for the ‘biggest loser’ . I was talking to my son once about how much different members had lost. He came up with the most impressive thought I think I’ve ever heard: normally when you lose something…..you usually find it again! What wisdom from a teenage boy!!

  11. This is just so stupid… my mind has gone blank and I just hear a loud hummmmmmmmming sound.

    Surgery……lipo……..natural……..ice cream…………

    mmm ice cream.

  12. I think the worst part of this whole article was where he admits that the clients he has are “marathon runners, and personal trainer that just can’t get off those last pounds” This just completely invalidates the whole “we do this to be healthy” line that we get fed constantly from the media.

    I call Bullshit. Clearly not all people that exercise compulsively and regiment their diet to the extreme are doing it to be healthy. They are doing it to be skinny. So just say it. Say “I am giving in to the pressure of society by starving myself so that I can feel superior to those around me.” Not so nice when it’s said like that. Much easier to say “I am trying to be healthy, and don’t you want to be?” NO. Not if it means regimental diet and exercise and lipo and constant guilt and douchebags like the doctor and gym owner and personal trainer quoted in the fucking article.

  13. Dude, I’m confused:

    “It allows for a much more lean and chiseled look that until now could only be achieved through a very aggressive diet and exercise plan.”

    was preceded by:

    “I have marathon runners and triathletes coming in who still have love handles, and those aren’t going away no matter how much they exercise”

    The author may need to make up their mind. But then again, I may just have brain freeze cuz I took the license to eat ice cream a bit too seriously.

  14. So, yeah. If, by working out hours every day, you still can’t get that natural made-of-marble look? There’s always surgery. To look more natural.

    This is completely unrelated to fat, but this reminded me of a friend I had in middle school. She naturally had very blond hair and very dark eyebrows, and because her hair and eyebrows didn’t match, a lot of people would assume she had bleached hair.

    So one day she dyed her hair. To stop people from thinking she dyed her hair.

    I tried to point out the inherent irony in this, but I think she missed it.

    And I think it’s sad that we have such ridiculous standards that even the thin people with those “perfect” (more commercially acceptable) bodies can’t be considered beautiful enough.

    Nobodies fucking beautiful enough on their own.

    Well fuck that. I’m totally made of sex and hot. I was mined from a cave of ultra-condensed highly pressurized gorgeous. Now I’m going to go eat some toast with jam. Lots of jam. And later? Cake.

  15. “Well fuck that. I’m totally made of sex and hot. I was mined from a cave of ultra-condensed highly pressurized gorgeous. Now I’m going to go eat some toast with jam. Lots of jam. And later? Cake.”

    God, that just made my day. :)

  16. so, do these people realize they’re going to die one day or what? and that when they look back on their lives when they’re close to death (if they’re lucky enough to not be smote out of the blue), they’ll be looking back on a lot of time spent “sculpting” the body that is now failing on them? i’m all for regular exercise because i think it’s great fun, but i hate that some people see it as a life calling. it’s their choice, but god, so many more important things…

    i was talking one time with a former coworker for some reason about what we would do if we suddenly had a huge chunk of money dumped in our laps tax free. (oh wait, i remember, we were talking about that because we were both working at the same shitty company.) her first response was that she would lipo every fat cell off her body. i didn’t know what to say to that other than “… oh.” what about giving half of it to charity and using the rest to travel all over the world, and to go tattoo crazy because that’d be mere pocket change, and to send my ten future children to the college of their choice? ay yi yi.

  17. “Well fuck that. I’m totally made of sex and hot. I was mined from a cave of ultra-condensed highly pressurized gorgeous. Now I’m going to go eat some toast with jam. Lots of jam. And later? Cake.”

    haaa! just laughed so hard i snorted. major nasal congestion now.

  18. I nominate Time-Machine for funniest post I’ve read today, I adore it. Giggling madly.

    I really hope that people exercising madly are doing it because they enjoy it. That’s why I read and garden and cook and play on the interweb. Otherwise, mouse, wheel; wheel, mouse.

  19. So you can’t look natural without surgical help. The paradoxes in this are making my head hurt.

    Someone needs to get it through their skulls that natural isn’t perfect.

  20. PS: sorry for the triple post, but i just now clicked over to the actual article. did ms. julie ford realize that she could have done away with that “muffin top” (*cough*) simply by buying different underwear?

  21. I have to wonder, what do you have to do to ge ta license to eat ice cream from a doctor anyway? Like, do they just NEVER issue them ever?

    That is totalyl not fair, them having the power to distribute and just not.

    Harumph.

  22. did ms. julie ford realize that she could have done away with that “muffin top” (*cough*) simply by buying different underwear?

    I read an article about “micro-lipo” a few years ago, which is probably a similar thing — people were, like, getting their mons pubis lipoed or their knees or their “armpit fat.” And it started out with a story about a woman’s muffin top and bra fat, and I’m like “um… jeans that fit, bra that fits.” Cheaper and not at all dangerous!

  23. “people were, like, getting their mons pubis lipoed or their knees or their “armpit fat.””

    What?

    But…

    No, no never mind. Logic and sanity do not apply in those sort of situations.

  24. A very simple solution to getting rid of a muffin top wear looser pants. Works for me. All I mean is one should love their body and treat ourselves ice cream occasionally. I find eating sweets everyday takes from the pleasure they provide, YMMV.

  25. Do people not know that surgery is hard on your body, and only worth it if you NEED it? And otherwise, not so healthy, much less so than an ice cream cone.

  26. Yay, thanks for the license. I’m having my favorite today: kosher pickles with potato chips, aka The Best Flavor Combination Ever Invented.

  27. These…people…want…to…look…like…statues?
    Don’t they know that statues aren’t real? Trying to look like something that’s not real just dosen’t make any sense.
    And why would someone want to get surgery unless they absolutely had to? I have friends who have gotten surgery, and it sucks.

    My brain just ‘asploded. I think I’m going to get some ice cream. :)

  28. “um… jeans that fit, bra that fits.” Cheaper and not at all dangerous!

    I don’t know about that. I started wearing a bra that fit, and suddenly, all the guys in my office were staring at my chest! I felt very dangerous… *sly smile*

  29. Actually, I heard about micro-lipo from my boyfriend, an ex-Orange County resident — what happens is that when you get liposuction, you CAN’T get fat there anymore (I guess?) and so you get fat other places. Like your wrists, and a hump on your back, or things like that. So you have to get those places lipo-sucted. I guess. Or you just don’t get liposuction in the first place.

    It’s ridiculous. Not to blame it on California, but I’m glad I live in a decidedly un-cool city where sexy lingerie = flannel pajamas.

  30. Can we have a certificate that says “everyone who exists” has a license to eat tasty food? OMG FILLYJONK U R SO UHLEETEST!

    Okay, not really. I think that certificate is pretty awesome — I stole a copy for my hard drive. (!!)

    Also, surgery? Good to know it’s still only for very damaged people.

  31. Except, I’m a moron who didn’t double-check who posted this thing. For real, Kate, why am I still allowed to comment here? Is it because I am, apparently, bringin’ StupidBack?

    (Sorry. I think you’re elitist too, I promise. :P)

  32. I had an ice cream cone today. I had a coupon for buy one get one free. The other was for my grandfather. And it was delicious.

    Put that in your fake six pack and stick it Adonis. I’ve got some LIVIING to do.

  33. I thought that’s only what lipo was ever supposed to be for – to sculpt and fine-tune – this new turn towards high volume lipo scares me, since people died even of the regular, low-vollume kind (and for what?)

    As to time spent – Carson told the first woman he had on “How To Look Good Naked” that she’d spent 20 years dieting…20 years that she could have spent having fun, or getting better at her job, or any of a world of other things to enjoy her life. Basically that all that dieting was a complete time-waster. By the end, she believed him, thankfully.

    And now I have a real license to eat ice cream! That is totally awesome.

  34. Kate made the post, but the license was originally made by Fillyjonk in the post Kate links to (“Fortunately, this is”). =)

  35. I agree that this lipo, and any lipo, is horrible and ridiculous, but–that trainer is getting more clients now. In other words, horrible as it is, it could be seen as a sensible business investment. I run into this all the time: almost all my friends are actors. When I hear them talking about their diets, I want to intervene, and let them know about how they are harming their bodies, but realistically? The skinnier they are, the more castable they are, and that’s not going to change anytime soon. And it’s entirely possible that, even if they were in full possession of the facts about dieting, they would still choose to do themselves harm in order to increase their chances of getting roles. I can’t really blame them for that. But the it still depresses me.

  36. I enjoy weight training and I do read some sites that are focused on a more aesthetic result rather than functional (it’s actually a frustration of mine: I’m not a bodybuilder and I’m not particularly interested in the extremes of that lifestyle, but there just aren’t a lot of sites dedicated to functional strength training). Fitness models and body builders can’t look like that all the time, they need to plan very carefully to have the absolutely lowest body fat and hydration of the season the night they’re on stage, or they’re fucked. If you read or listen to interviews with some of these women they’ll say things like “in the off season when I eat calories like a normal person” and it’s widely acknowledged that there are people who’ve fucked up their metabolisms trying to stay at too low of a body fat percentage for too long.

    So it’s not at all surprising to me that people who are trying to maintain that look all the time are getting surgery to do it. I can’t imagine it’s any healthier than dieting down for a competition, but it’s not surprising.

  37. License? LICENSE!?! Eating ice cream is a Goddess given human right! I DON’T NEED NO STINKIN’ LICENSE!!!!

    Dipwads……

    I’ve been seeing commercials on local channels for this mini lipo crap (I usually don’t watch commercials, we record just about everything, except local news, so gotta hit mute to avoid the commercials) and all I can do is shake my head. They are usually paired with stomach amputation commercials or commercials for hypno weight loss :P

  38. I too am made of hot and it makes eating ice cream exceedingly difficult. But that never stopped me.

    Try putting the bowl in the freezer for awhile first. :)
    Love it – I’m eating ice cream to cool me down because I am so hot!

    If doctors never give out licenses to eat ice cream, then where do the 1.4 billion gallons made every year go?

  39. If doctors never give out licenses to eat ice cream, then where do the 1.4 billion gallons made every year go?

    Ice cream speakeasies.

  40. I know I should be outraged but . . . . that’s the funniest thing I’ve heard in a long time. Especially the fact that the trainer now gets more clients. Do you think he tells people that he looks the way he does because of surgery and not because of the training he’s selling? Yeah, I don’t think so either ;)

    Though for the record, I find statues sexy. All that hard, cold, smooth marble . . . dunno, maybe it’s just me.

  41. Just yesterday, I was reading Elastic Waist and people were commenting about Carnie Wilson gaining weight back after WLS because she never dealt with what’s eating her.

    I concede the point that some WLS patients re-gain because they medicate with food or alcohol. But what about the possibility that fat is NATURAL and that healthy bodies do have some freaking fat?

  42. I have to wonder, what do you have to do to ge ta license to eat ice cream from a doctor anyway? Like, do they just NEVER issue them ever?

    Hell-o tonsilectomy!!

    ps: does anyone else think it’s a bit shit that the ‘beneficiary’ of this surgery is saying his surgery-earned physique is helping him score personal training clients? Hell-o false advertising!

    ps: hell-o, overuse of hell-o!

  43. Oh, there are so many things wrong with this, where do we start?!?!?!?! OK, so the “ideal” body is one that can only be achieved through starvation, excessive exercise, and surgery. Hmm…maybe we’re NOT supposed to look like that…?

    I didn’t realize one NEEDED a license to eat ice cream. Thank God I came here,lol! I’m going to make copies of that license for everyone I know!!!!!!!

    I think personal trainers should have to disclose whether or not they’ve had cosmetic surgery. It is TOTALLY false advertising, and I don’t want to train with someone like that. So there, ppphhhhllllbpht.

    I’m gonna go have a cookie.

  44. Unfortunately the personal trainer gig really does seem to be largely about looks and salesmanship. You see a lot of people who were maybe athletic in high school and look the part but who aren’t very well informed succeeding in the field. Not to mention anyone here could be an ACE certified trainer after just a couple of days of study and a pricey exam (there are other, harder certifications, but plenty of trainers working for big chain gyms are ACE trainers). This isn’t to say there aren’t good, well-informed trainers out there, but there are definitely a ton of bad trainers getting plenty of business.

  45. I was going to make use of my ice cream eating license today, but I had butterscotch pudding instead. With whipped cream. It was mighty tasty.

  46. Many models we see today in our magazines are likely to have had somesort of plastic surgery. I read somewhere thats its pretty much mandatory if you want to get good work. I remember one particular example from the book (think it was a plastic surgeons ‘confessions’ or something – and no it wasnt as trashy as i’d expected!) where a model came in for liposculpture to her hips because the photographer didnt like how the micro knickers she had to wear for the shoot cut into her flesh a little.

    It makes me sad, and scared for the way our culture is developing.

  47. For chrissakes… some people just don’t get it. I would think if I did all that working out and still wasn’t satisfied, maybe going under the knife won’t change my thinking.

  48. This post was hilarious. I bet my NP psychiatrist would give me a license to eat ice cream. Maybe even a prescription.

    Lillian64, sadly wearing jeans that fit can’t fix every muffin top. I have an actual shelf of fat above my waist that sticks out about 2 inches. It has always been there, even when I was pregnant. Even at my thinnest and least healthy it did not go away.

  49. *snertle!*

    I just happened to be reading this while eating a weekend-treat breakfast of donut holes with my son. It’s not ice cream, but it’s close enough for me! :D

  50. where a model came in for liposculpture to her hips because the photographer didnt like how the micro knickers she had to wear for the shoot cut into her flesh a little.

    Right. This is what I don’t understand.

    How is it that we’ve evolved (devolved?) into a society where the general rule is to make the body fit the clothes, rather than having the clothes fit the body??

  51. This eerily reminds me of the Uglies trilogy by Scott Westerfeld (yes, I am an adult, and yes, I enjoy reading young adult novels on occasion, especially when they relate a relevant message).

    In it, every 16 year old undergoes a surgery to make them “pretty” (anyone under 16 is considered an “ugly”). It is actually considered unnatural to be “ugly”, therefore everyone must become a “pretty” in order to be considered normal.

    I couldn’t help but shudder and think of those books when I read this…

  52. sarawr, if you click back to the original post, I made a blank one so anyone who exists could make a license for themselves! That’s just the site license up there.

  53. to paraphrase a hedonistic old lady friend of my mother’s, “ice cream isn’t fattening, it melts.”

    i’m currently sugar-fogged from the vegan cheesecake at work, but i’ve got definite solidarity

  54. i miss that little graphic of the shapely woman that used to be on the banner. <3 the certificate!!!

  55. Excellent, fillyjonk. And I hope you don’t think I was serious about the elitist thing, because… no. I wasn’t. I love that certificate, and the blank one is just icing on the, um, ice cream.

  56. lillian64 – when you say “one should love their body and treat ourselves ice cream occasionally” because you find it more enjoyable, it kinda bugs me.

    You see, the whole point is there is no “should”. I mean, if YOU enjoy treats only occasionally then you do that, do whatever you want. But you say “one should…” it means that’s what you think people in general should do. I eat treats every fucking day, usually twice a day and nice big portions, and that’s what’s right for me.

    (And also to all of you who discussed this – I agree that muffin tops (and bra fat) can sometimes appear no matter what we do, for some of us, but who cares really.)

  57. (sorry i always double post)

    when i said “treats” i should’ve specified – sweet things, like candy or cookies or ice cream. cuz a “treat” is really ANYthing someone finds enjoyable, which could be broccoli or a bubble bath or a brisk walk or whatever.

  58. The dieter in me went ‘ooh’ when I read this article because I’m a varisty athlete who can’t drop those ‘unnatural’ pounds. However, the shapeling inside told the dieter to stfu. I will *always* have a stomach pouch. The fact doesn’t matter that I can’t grab an inch of fat on my stomach. I have a pouch. The only time it went away was when I was starving myself. I do feel for people in this position, and I can see why this is SO tempting to athletes who don’t get that ‘perfect’ body, even after all their dedication makes them fast and strong in both body and mind.

  59. sarawr, nah, I totally didn’t think you were serious, but I wanted to make sure you knew that you could have your very own license too.

    Unless you can’t fit your name on it. Annie, how small do you have the font? If your name is really long, maybe you can abbreviate your first name (e.g. “Thos” for “Thomas”)?

  60. O, thanks! You know, I ate some unlicensed ice cream this weekend – but now, I have me a license! Y’all are Teh Awesome. And, yeah, as to the rest of it – what she said. As always.

  61. I ate ice cream AND pie AND Easter candy AND chicken fingers AND a milkshake AND a grilled cheese sandwich AND Thin Mints this weekend under the above license! This was a fucking banner weekend for me, since I normally can’t eat a lot of supposedly “bad” food (basically anything high in fat) due to stomach probs, but I just wanted it… you would not BELIEVE how hard I wanted a dinner of chicken fingers, fries, and a milkshake on Thursday night. I just want to say: if HAES were all about salads, I wouldn’t have eaten that stuff. If it were all about feeling physically well, I wouldn’t have eaten it (because of stomachaches). But it was basically all emotional eating. And you know what? It worked — I felt better (especially since it followed a period of emotional NOT-eating, so I really needed to replenish). And that’s awesome.

  62. Also Vietnamese food. Which I’m not kidding, I have to stop eating even when I need it brainwise because it makes me so fucking sick, but could someone else please eat one million spring rolls under the Tasty Food license? For me?

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