Dear MELISSA,
(Thanks for yelling at me, jerk.)

I just talked our publisher into giving you THE most amazing bargain ever on FITNESS™ Magazine …
(Okaaaaay…)

Say “yes” to one year and pay NOTHING for your second and third years… that’s TWO full years for $0!
They’re FREE!
(I wonder about that…)

Just click here now, and I’ll activate your TWO FREE YEARS immediately! And I’ll throw in a couple of bonus gifts, as well (more about that in a minute).
(Hello? START with gifts!)

Why so generous? It’s a special marketing test.
(Oh FUCK.)

Because I’ve got a hunch you’re the kind of woman who’s ready … to shape up, slim down, get stronger, look better and feel sexier than you ever dreamed possible!
(Of course I am. Because I can’t shape up without slimming down? What would be the point? And you can’t be OMG fat and strong! Or look good. And why would you feel sexy unless you were thin? You wouldn’t! – The sad thing is, before I found Shapely Prose, I would have thought, ‘Hey, maybe that’s what I need! An over-priced magazine to fix everything!)

Every exciting issue of FITNESS is filled with must-do moves to give you killer legs, butt and arms. Proven methods for binge-proofing your diet and dropping weight fast. Simple secrets for radiant skin and silky hair. All presented with sparkling clarity so you can sculpt your body … step-by-easy-step!
(And now I’m imaging people being mean to me and my killer arms and legs detaching themselves from my body and beating the other person. Does that mean I have issues?)
(Also, I have always had radiant skin and hair. Ask my sister (a size 10) who started using my products on her face to get clearer skin, even though we have different dads and I think it’s genetic. Like, you know, size.)
(And…you can’t spot scupt your damn bady, so shut up with that. I can’t just drop fat from my thighs and no where else. If it were possible, plastic surgery wouldn’t exist. Shut up. And if it’s so damn easy, prove it. Oh, you can’t? Then shut it.)

About those bonus gifts …

First … ACT NOW and I’ll include our Six Guides for an Amazing New You. Yours FREE with your paid subscription!
(I like the old me, thanks.)

PLUS … you get a FREE copy of our brand-new Red-Carpet Ready Abs, filled with the ab-flattening secrets used by Hollywood’s hottest stars to look six-pack sculpted, sleek and sexy! It’s hot off the press from our new A-List Workout — yours INSTANTLY just for saying yes!
(Why would I want red-carpet abs? I’m never going to be on a red carpet and no one is putting red carpeting in my house. Ever.)
At ZERO DOLLARS for 2 full years plus 2 FREE Bonus Gifts, there’s every reason to say YES … just click here right now!

But this deal is too good to last forever, so click here to lock in your 2 FREE YEARS and 2 FREE Gifts right now … before it’s too late!

In other words; shut up, Fitness Magazine.

Also loved Pippi Longstocking.

Have any of you ever read “The Adventures of Beetlekin the Brave”? I read it when I was small (I mean a kid) and was just looking for it online. It’s completely out of print and copies are going for about $100 now. Anyway, it’s a story about a fat little man who decides to have an adventure. So he travels and encounters some fantastic characters including a witch named “Carrie of the Spider Fingers”, illustrated as a horrendously skinny cranky woman that he defeats by tangling her in thread.

I loved the book as a kid and as an adult simply because the man was so fat he was literally round, but it didn’t stop him from having these great adventures.

Used in a sentence, “yeah, I am at opeaceity* these days… I figured accepting myself was the way to go.”

What’s going on in the fatosphere would be then termed an “opeaceity epidemic.”

*I guess you could spell it “opeacity” but by including the e it emphasizes the word “peace.” And as anyone who has read my comments knows, I regard rules about spelling just about as well as I regard rules about eating.

Kelly

I went to a pre-natal appt (first one) last week, and on the health questionnaire it had three options, one of which I had to choose:

- Undernourished
- Well nourished
- Obese

Dear fellow Shapelings,

Guess which one I chose? (I’ll give you a hint — it’s two words.)

I was tempted to be ugly in my judgment like the rest of the world (as I am 60 lbs. or so over my so-called ‘ideal’ weight), but I opted for well nourished because, well, I am.

My weight is not causing me problems, and I am not ill because of weight-related issues, therefore, I am not obese. The End.

Going back to reading the comments now. ^_^