Friday Fluff: Piggy Moo, Theoretical Band

Well, the blog wasn’t working from my work computer today, and I actually kinda was for a change, so I didn’t get a chance to post the Friday Fluff I’ve been hanging on to since last week. But here it is, for you brave souls who keep checking the blog on into the weekend (and, I suppose, for anyone west of here who’s still getting through the workday).

In the comments to my Hostility post, Nomie said “I think I’m going to start an all-fat-girl punk band and call it Piggy Moo.” Kate responded with “I can’t play any instruments or sing, but I so want to be in that,” which put me in mind of The Sneeze’s theoretical band, the Tree Brains. Here’s how Steve of The Sneeze explains the “theoretical band” concept:

Here’s the deal: We’re starting a band. Me, you — all of us. It’s a giant fake band and we’re all going to be in it.

It doesn’t matter if you can actually play an instrument because we’re not going on tour. BUT, we will have a kick-ass name and a myspace page and cool t-shirts. And we can all tell everyone we’re in the band. And those people can be in the band, too.

So for today’s Friday Fluff, I would like to formally rip off Steve and start a theoretical fattie band. And since it’s theoretical, we start it simply by describing it, so tell me: what instrument do you play in Piggy Moo? As the de facto first member I’d like to go prosaic and call dibs on the bass — I just love a girl bassist, and a good bass line, plus I want to leave the really crazy instruments for you guys. (This by no means implies, though, that we can’t have another bassist, and a fretless bass, and an upright bass, and a two-string detuned bass…) My onstage persona is going to involve black-rimmed glasses and knee-high boots, sort of punk librarian.

What about you? Do you play the dulcimer? The tabla? The toy piano? You could sing, too, or just whack on a tambourine. Do you wear a beanie hat, or a belly dance costume? Do you make a fuss backstage because the theoretical lunchmeat is too big for the theoretical bread? Do you get all the theoretical groupies? Do you have ideas for a logo? And where should we go for our theoretical tour?

206 thoughts on “Friday Fluff: Piggy Moo, Theoretical Band

  1. I want to drum. I want purple hair and tattoos and to be all bad-ass in my fat-drumming-ness.

    Also we must stop off in Alaska as part of our tour. They get no good bands. We must spread the good music to the masses…massives?…oh god the jokes…

  2. I don’t pretend to play any instrument. Instead, I write The Ongoing Temptation of Piggy Moo, the comic book that goes along with the band’s hilarious, operatically overblown “concept album” which describes the Devil challenging Piggy Moo to a fitness contest but being defeated by the power of ROCK AT EVERY SIZE.

    The first run of said comic has jelly from the band’s private baby flavored doughnut s mixed with the ink.

  3. Bleh. That last line was supposed to be “private baby flavored doughnut stash.” The comic book needs an editor.

  4. I sing (actually yell) lead, sometimes actually using my kickass Grace Slick impression. In addition to this, I beat a mean – and really crappy – bodrun and fill in on slide whistle or kazoo when necessary.

    I say we need to play London because I freaking love that city.

  5. I’m SO with Twistie on the London gig. I play piano and also sing, but I don’t yell. I’d be good on the low-key and mellifluous Cardigans/Astrud Gilberto/Burt Bacharach set. I can do the backstage prima-donna trip when it comes to vetting the chow for vegan appropriateness.

    P.S. I love alexandraerin’s concept! Rock out with your baby donuts out!

  6. And my stage attire will probably feature cleavage and a midnight-blue, bugle-beaded cocktail dress. I can punk that outfit up, though, with hair and makeup if that’s where the band is heading.

  7. I don’t play any instruments or sing worth a damn… but since this band exists in my head (our head? Since we’re all Kate Harding are we all playing the same instrument, oh god my head hurts I need to lie down)

    ANYWAYS… since it’s theoretical I’d like to play the theoretical piano. I know it’s not a traditional punk rock instrument, but we’re hardly a traditional band.

  8. And Lu can lounge on your theoretical baby grand!

    I need to work on the theoretical move where I play my bass with a violin.

  9. I would like to volunteer my skills as Lead Triangle. I have been looking for an excuse to colour my hair pink and pierce my nose. Now I can justify it at work by telling them I’m with teh band!

  10. I want to sing and I want to do it really loudly and let my belly wobble like a bowl full of jelly on the stage (it’s good at that) in something shiny with sequins on it. Would that be acceptable? :D

  11. I’m a pretty mean drummer on Rock Band And a better singer on rock band and in IRL.

    Seriously, any other Rock band players out there? We could start an I am Kate Harding World TOUR!!!

  12. Since we’re outright fantasizing, I’ll be on cello like the good ladies of Rasputina, only I’ll wear a torn-up tuxedo.

  13. Awesome. (I love the word awesome. It is awesome.)

    I’ll play my harp! None of that twee Joanna Newsom plinking either. Lots of boomy bass thunks and banging on the soundboard and pedal slides and all that. Also you can electrify it and have effects pedals. Woo. There are hundreds of interesting sounds to be made and I intend to make them all.

    Also I am like the antithesis of the pretty, serene slender lady in a froofy dress harpist cliche: Cranky fat woman in black.

  14. The harp. I want to play the harp. It’s the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard in my life.

    I’ll wear what I used to in the 80s – butterfly-shaped-lace tights, capezios, a black dress, and a giant blue plaid flannel shirt (unbuttoned) that hangs at least to my knees, with a Vintage Levi’s denim jacket over it. My hair will be the quintessential big 80s feather; except on me it looks good because I don’t have to tease or poof – that’s how my hair really is. Just gotta blow and tame it down a bit with curling iron.

    Oh that sounds SO fun.

  15. Ladies, ladies, we can have two harpists.

    Especially if we could dress one of you up as an angel and the other as a demon. That would be badass.

  16. (Oh, my butterfly-lace tights are of course black. And I want back my old mousse that had copper glitter in it.)

  17. OMG Ladida you did NOT just cross-post the f*ing harp with me LOL!

    This has got to be the funniest thing ever. Of course we need two harpists! Hell, we’ll be hip-deep in harpists!

  18. fj we’ll have to share bass duties because… da da daaaaahhh

    I actually played the neck part of a bass guitar on stage with a real band once. :::squee::: It was my finest (and only) rock n’ roll moment. I like to relive it ’cause said base player was totally hawtt — and apparently really thirsty (he needed a hand free for his beer).

    My outfits will be what I call femme-punk and red-gothic, and the styles will change randomly without warning (so will my hair color).

    Also, alexandraerin will kick me out of the band for being really picky about the fonts she uses in the comic book. ;-)

  19. Meowser, do you for seriously play the mountain dulcimer? I hardly ever meet other people who do. I’m not good or anything, though… lol.

    I want to wear platform boots and booty shorts and a frock coat (with tails) and play my Jetglo Rickenbacker 360.

  20. Oh, wow, I love Sniper’s idea of the torn-up tuxedo. Bye-bye, trite cocktail dress! I’m going for 80s hair, tons of black eyeliner, and shredded tux. Lots of ladies playing classical instruments punk-style, an angel/demon harp duo, belting AND crooning, playing one instrument using another…. oof! For the non-musically inclined, we also need backup dancers, don’t forget. This band needs to happen.

  21. I’m in. I’ll theoretically play the electric violin and wear lots of black, hot pink and purple with extreme eye makeup, lace-up boots and killer cleavage.

    This tour is going to be legendary!

  22. Yeah, Tangerina, I’ve got a McSpadden, walnut. I don’t play it enough, but it’s probably the nicest instrument I own, and I have a feeling it’s going to see a lot more action some time very soon. I don’t know why more people don’t play dulcimer, it’s absurdly easy to learn and you can even play with longish nails, if you use a noter (sliding stick) to form chords instead of your fingers. Plus a good quality dulcimer is way cheaper than a good quality guitar.

  23. Well, we don’t have a lead guitarist yet… So I’ll theoretically play lead. My hair will be Big Texas Beauty Queen hair (y’all better buy stock in Aqua Net!!), and I’ll *R A W K* the leather corset and leather short-shorts with ripped fishnet stockings, thigh high boots with 5-inch stiletto heels.

    Pet~

  24. I’ll play electric cello and sing and have wild curly hair and wear lots of corsets and sexy boots. It will be awesome.

    There will also be lots of dancing when I’m not playing the cello.

  25. Oh, damn! I forgot the most important part: my stage costume!!!

    I’ll go for a Janis Joplin meets Stevie Nicks in the bowels of Hell look with lots of purple, feathers, flowy bits, and an amazing collection of hats. Because, really, hats make the outfit.

    Also, we can probably get Mr. Twistie to do security. He’s a pussycat, but he looks like he’ll kick your ass into next tuesday just because of the fun. But since he’s diabetic, we’ll have to get him some sugar-free baby-flavored donuts.

  26. I can play the trombone! And sing! for reals!

    err…but not at the same time. I’m not THAT good.

    also I can do my hair all spiky, and would be willing to dye it all different colors for when we go on tour.

  27. I just want to say, today I made the corn and black bean salsa from last Friday’s recipefest and it was uber-yummy!

    With what I can do IRL I would go for keyboard and backup singer, but since this is the imaginary band, I am totally playing the upright bass, whether you want it there or not. :)

  28. Don’t forget, too, folkie instruments like harps and dulcimers can be outfitted with pickups to plug them in as electric instruments. Which means you can put effects pedals on them and use them to play power chords!

  29. My dress-up style tends to be more sequins than punk so I’d like to be a backup singer. With choreography. I could so rock the backup singer choreography

  30. I want to play the keyboard – I played piano and keyboard for years and I sooo want to be in the band! I go for that 80s New Wave electronic keyboard sound and my persona will fit – lots of black, big boots, heavy black eye-makeup. I can’t do the big hair, but my hair will be dyed red, or pink, or black, or whatever my mood calls for.

    As for tour sites, we’ve got to hit cities with great food – Philly for the cheesesteaks, Chicago for the hotdogs, Portland and Seattle for the salmon, San Fran and New York for the ethnic, New Orleans for some jambalaya and po’boys, etc. etc. Where do we go for doughnuts??

  31. Mr. Pet can probably help Mr. Twistie do security. Like Mr. Twistie, everyone seems to think he’s a badass (something to do with the bald head, goatee, tattoos, really broad shoulders, and big ol’ biceps), but he’s really just a teddy bear. Of course, don’t tell the 16-year-old’s potential DATES that! ::wink::

  32. How about a xylophone player? Those can be pretty bad ass.

    I have a Skeleton Bride costume, complete with black and white shredded veil and black roses. I’ll paint my face white, with black lipstick. You can call the Corpulent Corpse Bride.

  33. Add me to the list of singers. I’ll also play the fiddle, tin whistle, and hammered dulcimer (not at the same time, of course). My clothing style will be a combination renfaire/Victorian/Edwardian/pirate.

  34. Oh kira, I can help you with the big hair! I’m tellin’ ya, just buy stock in Aqua Net, cuz when it comes to making Big Texas Beauty Queen Hair, that stuff is da bomb! “c)

  35. I will be a backup singer, and my outfit will be an homage to Annie Lennox: pinstripe suit, leather gloves, a riding crop, shaved head, and lots of eye makeup.

  36. I don’t think anyone has claimed bagpipes yet, you simply can’t be a punk band without bagpipes. I’ll bring my camo print…everything and pass around the Wahl trimmer in case anyone else wants to shave her head.

  37. I’ll bring my camo print…everything and pass around the Wahl trimmer in case anyone else wants to shave her head.

    Or play the Wahl trimmer, for that matter.

  38. I’m claiming editor of the comic book and I’ll rock out on the freaking harpsichord and cello, baby. Screw pianos. I’m going Baroque style on your asses.

    I required black ribbons for my hair, black and white striped stockings, mineral make-up, and a wardrobe of styles from 1655 up to the 1950s.
    Nothing like vintage.

  39. Do you have to be fat to join? I can totally make up for that though cuz I’d wear an electric pink bob wig with bunny ears and dice earrings (Yes, I do occassionally rock this look when I go shopping downtown) and my name would be “Baby Donuts”. I’d be the DJ, cutting sweet records and turning out painfully fast digital hardcore mash-ups to the tune of…everyone else! This is soooo awesome, I want a t-shirt SO BAD.

  40. Has anyone called whistling yet? I’ve always wanted to do a whistling solo with the Detroit Symphony Orchestra. And I’ll wear two pairs of pants and a mohair vest.

  41. I will sing, because I can’t sing in real life. And I can’t believe punk librarian went so fast, so my on-stage persona will be my off-work persona, which I call “Audrey Hepburn, Hippie Rocker.” Mostly, it involves a highly distressed leather jacket, a pair of two-inch-wide gold star earrings, black-rimmed cat-eye glasses, torn jeans, and a perfectly ironed white shirt.

    Also I am probably barefoot, and I like to terrorize the roadies.

  42. I played the accordion as a child (every child in my neighbourhood did after an accordion salesman swept through the area) and was even in an accordion band with the other kids in the neighborhood at the local music school.

    Therefore, I will get myself a new mother-of-pearl accordion and join your theoretical band.

    I shall wear high necked shirts with gorgeous vests (to avoid getting my rack caught in the accordion–a serious problem for women, but I originally gave up the accordion before growing my rack). Add long bellbottom black pants. Also, right now my hair is all short except one thin braid hanging down to my chest from just behind my left ear–for complicated reasons that make sense to me–so I already have an odd persona perfect for a punk rock band that contains two harpists, two bass players, a bagpipes, a piano, and a number of assorted instruments I forget about now.

    May I and my theoretical accordion join?

  43. I will wear all black and fabulous boots and smoke cigarettes and the band will stop playing, randomly and suddenly in the middle of the song, and I will step up to the mic and spit some spoken word TRUTH at the crowd.

  44. I can actually play bassoon (which would be cool in a The Decemberists kind of way) so I volunteer for either that or balalaika because watching Dr Zhivago too many times as a teenager has made me think they’re cool.

    I am actually already in 3 imaginary bands, one of which is merely a cover for our secret lives as crime fighting ninjas.

  45. During the times when the upright bass is not called for (such as during drum solos), I will be the one who throws baby donuts to the crowd.

    I will have a few dedicated groupies who make sure that I have a vase of my favorite flowers at every tour stop. My groupies range from medium to tall, have at least enough belly to be soft and comfy to hug, and are mostly all beginning to go prematurely bald. Most of them also wear glasses and have a collection of sci-fi t-shirts in the back of their closets.

    I say the tour sites involve a lot of college artsy coffehouse/bar hangouts, because I never did that scene when I was that age and now I want my chance, dammit.

  46. I’ll sing harmony cuz I can harmonize with anything, anytime. And I’ll play the spoons. And the mountain dulcimer (really badly). And the guitar (even worse). And the fiddle (worst of all). And I want a T-shirt.

  47. Since I actually do play the violin, I guess I’d probably keep that. We can have more than one violin, right?

    I’m going to wear something black and SLEEVELESS. I never wear sleeveless stuff because of my big arms, but I am going to own my arm jiggliness and wear a black low-cut top with a serious bra. Might as well own my cleavage while I’m at it. And I’m gonna dye my hair blue and get the piercings I was too scared to get in college. heh.

  48. I play… the SOUSAPHONE!

    Because, seriously — fat chick with a sousaphone? *WIN*

    Besides, I played sousaphone from 8th grade all through high school. And may I say, I. Kicked. Ass,

    I’ll wear a long, straight black lightweight-material coat, and small oval Lennn-style frameless sunglasses. Kind of… Deco-punk. I won’t sing or talk much, just stare at people through my sunglasses.

  49. Dude, I’m a violinist, too, and I play the other orchestral string instruments with varying degrees of talent. We can have a full-fledged string orchestra with the punk band, which is totally bad-ass. (I love a good string quartet/orchestra/cello solo/whatever in the middle of a hard core rock/punk song.)

    And as for my outfit, lots of eyeliner and bright purple eyeshadow, a corset, pinstriped trousers, and Chucks. (Yes, the bottom half of my outfit is stolen from Doctor Who, what can I say, I love David Tennant.)

  50. I would like to be the tough female body guard that knows all sorts of fancy fighting techniques, I would like to have a well fitted black suit, red hair ribbon, and a smoldering stare. I would like a reputation that arrives in our next tour location weeks before we do. And since I’m slim in stature but large in ability my mysterious background will be shrouded in urban myth.

  51. I’ll play cowbell because every band needs More Cowbell.

    HA!!

    IRL, I’m a keyboard player, but I’m sure there are several here that can do that better than me for a theoretical band of such vividry.

    I’m also a double reed player, but I don’t remember the last band – theoretical or no – that needed a permanent oboist. (Even Mellencamp only employed his violinist part time.)

    So I’d really like to be the DJ.

    Like Spinderella. Or in PE.

    ***MAKE WAY FOR THE S1W***

    (Whoops, ‘scuse me, sorry, lost my head …)

    But think of what we’ll save on remix fees.

  52. Oh, clothes?

    Black. Leather.

    I will hire Sheila E’s costume designer despite my lack of resemblance to her physique.

    That is all.

  53. Do you make a fuss backstage because the theoretical lunchmeat is too big for the theoretical bread?

    Well, it does disturb me, but I’ll rise above it :D

  54. I believe we decided in the Hostility thread that my preexisting theoretical band, Llamas? (hence the handle, but we’re considering changing the name to Army of Skanks) would open for Piggy Moo, yes? I am the theoretical lead singer of said band; my onstage persona is cheerful goth…lots of black leather and cleavage and fishnets, with a side helping of glitter. And some over-the-knee boots that actually fit.

  55. I am going to play the cymbals. Big, huge, gargantuan cymbals. And I will time them so that they coincide perfectly with Sparkle Pants’ spoken truth.

    What does a cymbalist wear? Fishnet stocking with knee-high boots, a rockin’ skirt, and a button-up top that fits me perfectly, even over the rack of doom. In this theoretical band I will have my theoretical shirts made for me by my theoretical tailor, and shirt-gappage will not be an issue. Ever.

  56. littlem: “P.S. We can haz opening slot for Steve Vai plz kthx”

    Only if it include’s Stevie’s spanking. Then hell yes :)

  57. I call reluctant mezzo/ awesome alto/ badass tenor. Basically I’ll back up the lead, hardcore. I already have a short spiky cut at the moment; I may even dye my theoretical hair magenta again, and get that eyebrow piercing I’ve always wanted.

  58. there is a “musical washboard” sitting in my room which I have been hypothetically talking about playing in several not-supposed-to-be-conceptual bands. So I call musical washboard. I also play clarinet, and have fond dreams of punk-rock clarinet, but this band needs more percussion.

    And I can be like, fat on the inside, right?

  59. This has to be the funnest idea :D Piggy Moo will rock…and when did “punk librarian” happen?!?? I totally missed a style that I really could use right now (is librarian).

    Well I totally play the Trumpet and since no one else has claimed it (for real OR in theory) I’m taking it! Brass instruments TOTALLY rock out! *scuttles over to join the Sousaphone* :D

    I love my bellydance outfits but if I get to be theoretical about something I totally want the most impractical “oh-my-god-how-do-I-ever-get-these-off-if- I-should-have-to-PEE??!?” leather pants ever. And a cut off ripped black baby tee with PIGGY MOO written in fat red font (to match the cover of our comic book, naturally). The text will be written right over what I think should be our group’s iconic symbol: A cowbell with a baby-flavored donut for the clapper. Perfect. *wants shirt*

  60. I can’t sing so I’ll be the backup dancer. Clogger. I’ll be the backup clogger. Dressed in saran wrap with an underlayer of olive oil. Extra virgin olive oil, of course.

  61. April, a lot of the librarians I’ve met have been a little punk! But it’s actually just my idea of an on-purpose version of my current look, which involves knee-length skirts and knee-high boots and ironic t-shirts and embellished cardigans, in black and grey. In the band I will also dye my hair again (well, it’s dyed now, but a natural color) and have fucking adorable glasses and ripped ‘nets and a tailored tweed jacket with a big anarchy symbol on the back.

    If anyone wants to design the logo, let me know! I could do it but I know we’ve got more talented people than me in the Shapeling crew (witness all you people who can play non-theoretical instruments! All I can do non-theoretically is carry a tune).

  62. Oh, I’ve gotta pick my outfit!

    I’ll wear lots of black and purple and wild eye makeup. And then I’ll do some funky updo with my hair. And black go-go boots!!!

    Oh, whoever said Rock At Every Size earlier is made of win. :)

  63. I’m singing, and playing the piano. Also, I’m rocking out on organ. (These are all instruments I actually know how to play, at least a little.) One day, they’ll let me take over on the drums.

    I wear gorgeous corsets that show off my rack of doom (hey, it has to be good for something, right?) and also Doc Martens that magically fit my feet. Maybe some cool skirts. I’ll dye my hair purple again, and tattooed across my upper chest/collarbone area is “ROCK AT EVERY SIZE”. Pretty emo boys will want me.

    Y’all, I am so excited about this band….

  64. Has anyone called whistling yet? I’ve always wanted to do a whistling solo with the Detroit Symphony Orchestra. And I’ll wear two pairs of pants and a mohair vest.

    How did I miss this comment??? I am LOSING it over here.

  65. I claim an octave of bass handbells, which includes mallets. And air drums. I think I’ll keep my big curly hair the way it is, and add lots of sensible mary janes to my shoe collection.

  66. I’ll play my flute (gotta dust that thing off) and second on electric fiddle and sing when we need something torchy.

    I’ll wear my hear in an enormous Cleopatra Jones afro and wear lots of body glitter and sleeveless, slinky red dresses and go barefoot to show off my fab toe rings.

    And I’m afraid I’ll be a total diva off-stage and trash more than my share of hotel rooms and leave a trail of heart-broken cabana boys in my wake.

  67. Is this like Spinal Tap getting every bassist in the world on stage to play “Big Bottom”?

    If so I am SO IN. I will totally leave my other theoretical band to join (and there will be SO MUCH theoretical drama in the theoretical music magazines, you would not BELIEVE).

    I will theoretically play lead guitar, but really I will spend so much time hamming it up and hogging the spotlight that other people will need to play guitar instead. I’ll wear a short plaid skirt with over-the-knee stompy boots and an artfully cut and resewn version of the official Piggy Moo T-shirt (which, coincidentally, will be sold on the tour), and I’ll have red Bettie Page hair, and leather bracelets, and lots of rings. On our tour stops I will demand only certain colors of M&M’s (peanut only!) and I will complain loudly if they don’t give us the right brand of bottled water, or if the couch in the band’s crash area smells funky, or if they allow too many of those goddamn music journalists to invade my space and harsh my buzz, man. I will request coffee and specify the region in which the beans must be grown, and I will throw an absolute shitfit if they bring me fucking Starbucks.

    What fun is a theoretical band if you can’t be everything you’re usually not? ;)

  68. I have found sequined Converse sneakers. I am TOTALLY wearing them on stage. And I will demand only REAL Coke with REAL sugar backstage. And I will dye my hair red again, because I make a fantastic redhead.

    Oh, and in addition to being a violinist/violist/bassist I can also sing. I’d do better with back-up vocals, though.

  69. I can of course add banjo (see slide show!), and since it’s theoretical I’ll even play it really well. I also have a tenor banjo somewhere, for, you know, the times you want that extra extreme loudness. (IRL it’s in need of significant repairs because it hasn’t been touched in decades and all the original ivory pegs and inlay have shrunken, and also I don’t know how to play it, but who cares!) Oh, and a kalimba. (like, an original one from the ’60s. It was my grandmother’s!) I would, of course, have to put pick-ups on the kalimba.

    Is there a kazoo yet? I could handle kazoo. And if you want any crazy world music fusion action, I have those mad gamelan skills.

  70. Fillyjonk, you can so not call bass! I am an actual fat girl bassist!

    My friends and I did this in high school. Every couple of days someone would come up with a new name. Favorite instrument was definitely my friend Ariel’s, who misspoke and said she would play the tangerine.

  71. I play bass flute. A pink bass flute. And I have pink hair done up in menacing gothic pigtails. Sometimes, when it’s needed (because you can never have too many), I drop the flute and play rocking solos on my plain white guitar, who is named Sophie. When Sophie or the flute aren’t required, I play punk rock on my harp (we can have three harps, yeah? I’ve wanted to play harp since I was six, but my parent couldn’t afford it).

    (NOTE: Sophie the guitar actually exists, but I totally suck at playing her. Plus, I need a new amp.)

    Also, I have a Sailor Moon tattoo above my shoulder blade and I wear a combination of black and blue. And glittery eyeshadow and LOTS of eyeliner with big fake eyelashes. My fingernails are painted glow in the dark green. I wear vampire fangs.

  72. Well I totally play the Trumpet and since no one else has claimed it (for real OR in theory) I’m taking it! Brass instruments TOTALLY rock out! *scuttles over to join the Sousaphone* :D

    Oh, good god, yes, I refuse to be in any theoretical band that doesn’t have a kickass horn section. I also played trumpet in band back in the day, but since it’s theoretical and we don’t have one yet, I’ll take trombone.

  73. Lynne, I said I could fill in on kazoo earlier, but like cowbell, there’s always room for more kazoo.

    Besides, I think I want to add musical saw to my list of instruments.

    Piggy Moo definitely needs a musical saw.

  74. I will totally fill in on banjo for shows when Lynne is hungover or can’t leave the dressing room because she is having fun with theoretical groupies. I will take one of the many rythym guitar spots for my permanent position. And when we have crazy percussion jam outs, I am totally playing the ratchets. You may not have know, but ratchets are an all-but-essential part of any good band.

    Oh, and I really want to play the didgeridoo, so that is my theoretical instrument.

    Anniemcphee-It’s never too soon for cowbell…I think it was mentioned in the first few comments :)

    I will wear my Chacos because they are my favorites, but perhaps I will buy them in many varieties because now I can afford my rock and roll lifestyle. Oh, we have to cover some Cake.

  75. “Anniemcphee-It’s never too soon for cowbell…I think it was mentioned in the first few comments”

    Serve me right for not reading from the first post – sorry, I was reading from work most of the time. And now I’m quite stoned, so forgive me my ramblings. However, it is JUST like me to think “Ooooh I have SUCH a great answer for that post” (like Cowbell, but I can think of others) and get beaten to it (spanked) way ahead of time. I’m like the little nun in Sister Act, always one step behind lol. But don’t worry, I’m old enough to not give a shit anymore, I’m young enough to possess FIRE, and I intend to advance fat acceptance 9and BFing acceptance and a few other things I won’t mention now) to the end. Thanks to all you brave young women taking up for the right things :)

  76. I shall be the resident viola/violin/cello/double bass/glockenspiel/tenor hornist.
    Who knew my mothers obsessivness with me learning instruments would actually be helpful!

    Post Script
    The glockenspiel is by far the best instrument in the entire world

  77. Hey anniemcphee- Oh, don’t be sorry! I was trying to be funny (yeah, I fail at that, a lot!). I have horrible insomnia right now, and instead of working on my dissertation, I just read all of the comments at once…

  78. fillyjonk: “All bass players are hot.”

    my husband plays bass and every guy i’ve ever dated has played bass. i didn’t realize that until i started dating my husband and found out he played it, and then it dawned on me that i had a streak going. funny thing is that i never actually went for a guy because i had some thing for bass players in particular. just turned out that way. but maybe there’s a unique vibe about them : )

  79. We need woodwind love! I can play the saxophone non-theoretically, so when the lights suddenly dim, and the punk slows down for a moment, the mournful wail of my tenor sax will whirl through the baby-doughnut flavoured air. And I will rock it out something fierce with all the other instruments. :D

    Outfit – short, flippy skirt, over-the-knee black socks and red chuck taylors, with layered black turtlenck and Piggy Moo v-neck tee. Hair is dyed all the colours of the rainbow.

    I love this band, and I would totally buy a Piggy Moo shirt.

  80. Well, if we’re being theoretical, I play violin. With an effects pedal so I can switch between classical and electric.

    And I wear a black leather corset and a ripped-up skirt and put pink streaks in my (very long) hair. The corset has ‘Piggy Moo’ written on the back at the bottom to attract attention to my large and jiggly rear.

  81. I’m on your songwriting team. Here’s one to the tune of “Peggy Sue”:

    We want you in Piggy Moo
    Backstage crew or on kazoo
    In Piggy, in Piggy Moo-oo
    We could really do with a few more cowbells too!

    MeMe Roth, waxing wroth
    Tells us off for greed and sloth
    But Piggy, but Piggy Moo
    Take her lo-cal broth and flush it down the loo

    Piggy Moo, Piggy Moo,
    We’ll tour Peru and Timbuktu
    In Piggy, in Piggy Moo
    With our baby-flavoured doughnuts, Piggy Moo-oo-oo!

  82. I shall hover about at the side of the stage and clap loudly in time to the music in an attempt to make the audience join in.

    As for my stage outfit, it shall probably involve a large cape that I can swish about and throw over my head to escape the stage during parts where clapping is not appropriate.

  83. Also, I have a Sailor Moon tattoo above my shoulder blade and I wear a combination of black and blue. And glittery eyeshadow and LOTS of eyeliner with big fake eyelashes. My fingernails are painted glow in the dark green. I wear vampire fangs.

    This is the best thing I’ve ever heard.

  84. So hard to choose…but I’m going with playing the jug. In keeping with this, I will wear nothing but pasties on my, uh, jugs and black leather pants with kick-ass stilettos. Hair dyed reflect-no-light black and razor cut, smoky eye makeup with hint of glitter, and vampire red lipstick. Yah, baby!

  85. hotsauce, my boyfriend is a bassist, and back before we were dating, this friend of ours said to him “every time I watch you play bass, I think about those fingers in my vagina.” (!!!)

    Is it weird that BOTH of them have told me that story?

    I had never heard of multiphonic instruments but I do have a friend who plays bass and keyboard for one of his bands, and one song has him playing them both simultaneously. And of course Dana from Morphine can play two saxes.

    MissPrism, you are TOTALLY our songwriting go-to gal.

    And Vee, you have to allow me my fantasies — it looks like Kate and I are the only people in this thread whose musical ability is purely theoretical. But we can have as many bassists as we want!

  86. I wanna sing, and dance, and I can play a mean tambourine. Plus I will play Godless Heathen’s Wahl trimmer on special songs.

    I’m leaving my hair red, and I will wear lots of glitter and sequins and show off the girls in corset tops. I will also have chucks in every color and change shoes at least 12 times per show.

  87. Like Raft Tree, I’ll and sing and have wild curly hair and wear lots of corsets and sexy boots. It will be awesome. I won’t play any instrument, except for when more cowbells or other percussive instrument are needed.
    I am perfectly okay with singing backup most of the time — but there will be one song that I solo on that will leave everyone crying and screaming for more.
    And like Raft Tree, there will also be lots of dancing when I’m not playing the cowbells or shaking bells or finger cymbals or whatever else is needed.
    I also might be able to write some lyrics, you know, when all the other writers are exhausted.

    Can we sample the sounds from my blood sugar meter and include these? Then I could say I play the glucometer.

  88. baritone guitar
    played smooth, no rocking for me. I’ll chime in on the epic ballads and stuff.

    in reality one day I hope to aquire and then learn to play one of these (though not the shape in the movie clip…) and spend all my free time putting myself in a wonderful sound induced stupor.

    man I can really take the sex, drugs and rock n’ roll out of rock can’t I…

  89. Speaking of donuts, we need a donut runner. Not so we can eat them, so we can throw them in the audience.

    I’ve got a name for our first album: Jenny Craig Is Dead.

  90. Keytar! Doggie bounce, arf arf!

    LOVE the title Bree, and the theme song MissPrism!

    But of course, given our giant brass section we will have to do covers of the classic instrumentals “The Horse” and “Baby Elephant Walk.”

  91. I play rhythm guitar, and you can never get enough of that in a band, as far as I’m concerned. And I can pull off some basic djembe rhythms, but I can only really get into it if we’re gonna smoke up in the back parking lot before the gig. I also sing lead, and I’m kind of a diva about being able to sing lead. ;)

    On stage, I always wear black, usually black denim, with just a little touch of turquoise somewhere.

    Bass players are HAWT. I’ve always had a thing for bass players.

  92. I will play English handbells (although I’ll need other handbell players if you want more than an octave’s worth), and be dressed totally steampunky, heavy on the Victorian, complete with corset and bustle.

  93. You guys are all awesome! I’ll sing some theoretical back up and head up all the theoretical roadies. You’ll need lots of roadies with all these band members!

  94. Oh, and when I’m not rocking out, I’m totally programming our hardcore lighting cues and putting together our super technological multi-level stage. *has worked as a stagehand professionally*

    *in fact, is going to be working on Hairspray tomorrow morning. Yay for making money off of touring shows!*

  95. Dorianne-

    Yes! I will get in on the west African drums…Let’s play djembe! I will play the Dunun, which actually needs a cowbell, so I guess there is a huge cowbell section now, too…

  96. Yay, Dani! More handbells! You wanna take a mid-range octave and do fast change ringing, or a high octave and do double four-in-hand? I didn’t read before I posted, so I totally failed to notice that Pixiebell is playing the bass octave with mallots.

    Also, MissPrism, you have once again rocked my world. Since Bree already decided the name of the first album (Jenny Craig is Dead), then I think we should set your poem about the rhinoceros on the treadmill to music, and have the first tour name be called the Rhinoceroses in a Unicorn-World Tour. Hmm… some of the promotional material will have to have pigs dressed up as rhinoceri or vice versa…

  97. Oh, I had an awesome idea for tour stops… we should find a list of all the countries/cultures where fatness is viewed as a positive, bountiful, healthy trait, so that we will have all manner of groupies who know we are totally made of TEH SEXINESS! They will wonder what strange heaven has descended upon them!

  98. Speaking of being a stagehand professionally, I have done lots of wardrobe work — I’m a fantastic dresser, especially on quick changes.

    But y’all are going to have to find someone else to do the laundry.

  99. Lynne and Kristin, can I be third banjo? I can pretty much play only Bile Dem Cabbage Down and Cripple Creek, both very slowly. I’d like to wear a grownup sleeper outfit, because they look so comfy when my kids wear them.

  100. Mickey – I’ll take either, I’ve never actually played handbells before. :D I just know they look fun and sound awesome.

    Also, for the hell of it, I think I’ll break the bank on purple eyeshadow. With glitter.

  101. And don’t forget Boomwhacker Tubes! These are plastic percussion tubes that are “tuned” to a particular note. Those of you who think you “can’t play anything” are welcome to jam with your hams on these puppies! (KH, do you really ever “forget” how to play trumpet? I mean, in order to play it at all don’t you have to have a certain “lip memory” that stays with you?)

  102. well we’ve already got a bunch of cellos… so i’ll be going with rock-banjo/steel guitar and singing. Of course I will be channeling Dolly Parton (giant buzooms and all!) so I’ll be decked out all Nashville glam style with enough sequins (and fringe, don’t forget the fringe) to put Cher to shame.

  103. Those of you who think you “can’t play anything” are welcome to jam with your hams on these puppies!

    Also, please note that THE BAND IS MAKE BELIEVE.

  104. Phledge- I play the theoretical didge, but I would love someone to help out…I am not sure I can carry us through a whole show….

  105. Always bringing me back to reality

    No, I’m bringing you back to make believe. Everyone’s talking about what they can and can’t play, and whether they can play well enough, but the band is make believe. You can play Winston Churchill’s belly if you want to. You can play the Tommy Lee Rotating Percussion Environment. You can play a solid gold violin, regardless of whether it would weigh a ton and sound awful.

  106. I’m going to be the operatic diva (samples, bah!) I’m wearing tattered ren-faire punk cross outfit, all billowing violet lace and velvet, with black leather and studs and chains, and gothy makeup. It’s billowing because I have a personal wind machine to make my long hair stream out behind me. The hair could go purple and black, too. Or henna burgundy.

  107. I want to play the pan flute, with long bubblegum pink hair, and fabulous 1950s housewife dresses.

    I’ll also be the head chef. A band of this magnitude will need a head chef. The menus will include everything from vats of vegan chili, (with vegan cornbread, or course) to osso bucco, to rich creme brulee. Have to be well nourished to put on a show like this. :) But someone else is doing the dishes.

  108. Well, I’m a wind player, and I could play sax, but what I really want to play is clarinet. I can bend notes and slide all over the place on it. It’ll be a sound never before heard in rock. And of course, I’ll wear my high black boots, black tights, and a tunic that barely covers my ass. Also, I can sing/scream backup.

  109. It may be a make-believe band but I’m sticking to what I know. Timid that way, I guess.

    I already called the accordion, but I saw the handbells and since I also played that as a child and the accordion hangs on my shoulders, I can ring a bell or two also. Handbells take lots of people to do well.

    The image of me with accordion and a small table with handbells nearby just amuses me so much! Oddest combo I can think of!

  110. In real life I play viola but here
    in this band I would like to play
    Hammond B-3 Organ when
    I’m not playing bass.

    I would like to wear a toga and
    a tiara.

    And hello everybody, I’ve been
    lurking but this is the first time
    I’ve written.

  111. I vote that the groupies should do all the laundry and the dishes. If they’re sincere enough about it, someday they can graduate to being roadies.

  112. Ooo I so want to be in the handbells when I’m not playing banjo and kalimba. (And of course, we can and should have multiple banjo players!) I am all about shelleying and four-in-hand, so upper registers for me, please!

  113. Oh, I’m totally playing the boomwhackers. You can have awesome musical swordfights with those things.
    And cooking up huge quantities of yummy vegan chocolate cake with pink icing. Got to keep our strength up!

  114. Since there’s now a cooking contingeant, I have to join. My pies are famous. With Piggy Moo, I can make them infamous! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!

  115. You can play Winston Churchill’s belly if you want to.

    I already called belly playing, thank you very much ;)
    And I like to think that I am much cuter than Winston Churchill.

  116. Kristin – I’m a lifelong insomnia sufferer – when I saw “Wide Awake” (by Alan Berliner) I cried through the entire thing (er, it was on at 3:30 in the morning lol.) People can’t sleep a couple nights and they call it insomnia…little do they know, you know? At any rate, BEST of luck on your dissertation, and if you ever want to talk about insomnia? You come visit my blog and we can chew each others’ ears off – oh what a topic!

    And anyway, we DO need more cowbell – so what if several people say it? LOL

  117. Ooh, I want to play the piccolo!

    I’ll be an artsy-fartsy type who will paint designs on my clothes, which will consist of super-short jean skirts, whatever tops I feel like (as long as I’ve painted on them) and hoodies. For the clothes that aren’t painted, there’ll be my leather boots, fish-net stockings with colored stockings underneath that matches (or totally clashes) the rest of my outfit, plus my Obey hat. I’ll cut my hair short and have streaks of blue and purple. My eyebrow, nose, lip, and bellybutton will be pierced, and I’ll have silver rings on most of my fingers. I’ll also be covered in Japanese art-based tattoos.

  118. Anniemcphee- What’s your blog? Your name isn’t linked… And I never saw “Wide Awake”, but I will check it out. I have really vivid dreams (really scary ones, hence the not sleeping), so “Waking Life” has always been meaningful to me.

    Maybe a song about scary dreams and staying awake would be in order? Who is our main songmistress???

  119. i’ll sing back up and play washboard, autoharp, melodica, and musical saw. maybe drum machine as well. i also rap.

    i’ll wear a strap-on and cute beaded cardigans

  120. fillyjonk, on February 23rd, 2008 at 4:29 pm Said:

    Is it weird that BOTH of them have told me that story?

    haha, yes, a little, but i have to say that your friend has something there. maybe that’s why there’s a certain subconscious draw to bass players that’s not there with other musicians.

    > I had never heard of multiphonic instruments

    multiphonics is actually just a method of playing, not an instrument. i think it sounds like a humpback whale call.

    P.S. to all: forgot my stage outfit: chucks, shorts, opened black vest, and a van halen t-shirt.

    Together, we are: WYLD STALLYNS!

  121. fillyjonk: “Everyone’s talking about what they can and can’t play, and whether they can play well enough, but the band is make believe.”</i.

    Oh! Okay, well then I want to softly strum my dissertation committee’s egos.

    veganwobbly: “i’ll wear a strap-on and cute beaded cardigans”

    :spitscoffee: Marvelous.

  122. ^^^^^^
    Oops, messed up the italics there. The part about the dissertation committee’s egos should be in regular text.

  123. As much as I think we need my flute and my electric violin, I’m seeing a real lack in our band that I must step up and fill: I’ll play the theremin (no theoretical band should be without one)! I’ve always wanted to try one of those, so here’s my chance. I’ll have to put a lot more glitter in my hair, though. And wear insanely long false lashes.

    Still trying to figure out how to desgn the slinky dresses to show off my theortical tatt …

  124. Bass clarinet. That’s my instrument. Sexier than the sax, baby. I’ll have mine specially made, a brilliant royal purple with shiny shiny fixture-thingies. I’ll have a phalanx of groupies to keep it all shiny and make sure I always have a box of backup reeds.

    In contrast to all the punk looks — I’m going modified grunge. Blue jeans, comfy shoes, t-shirts and oversized flannel. Long burgendy hair, no make-up, but lots of pretty amber jewelry.

    I’ll be the anti-diva. All the roadies and techies will love me and I’ll do a good spin in the music mags, leading to a thousand web sites devoted to me. My fans will call themselves the Zanateers…..

  125. Damn, Girlgriot beat me to it

    Two theremins it is, then! Or actually, it would be way cool to have two people playing ONE theremin! You could do it in a sort of interpretive-dancey way.

    Have you guys seen this amazing video of a guy playing Gnarls Barkley on a theremin?

  126. I volunteer to be the band’s publicist. And at least one Piggy Moo album and song if not the very first should be “Surprise Me Cunt”. (“Radio-play? We don’t need no steenkin’ radio-play!”)

  127. I’ve got a name for our first album: Jenny Craig Is Dead.

    Bree, you are a genius.

    FJ, hotsauce: Bass players = BIG HANDS. (I’m married to one!)

    I shall join the ‘cello section, if I may, because you can’t have too many ‘cellos. right? I will be wearing a red vinyl corset, several layers of ripped floaty ballgown-type skirts, fishnets, Chucks, vast quantities of eyeliner, slut red lipstick, and three-shades-of-pink hair in Hello Kitty barrettes. The ‘cello will be wearing red glitter varnish (my luthier will kill me).

    On the louder numbers I’ll whip out my gee-tar (I actually do own a Fender Jag-Stang which I haven’t played in ages), go gunka-gunka-gunka-EEEEEEEK and throw myself into the drum kit. Um, who’s on drums again? Better get a crash helmet.

    Also, I insist we break into the now-shut-down Crocodile Café, kidnap the ex-kitchen staff and drag them down there, and open up for a guerilla gig and cook-out, because not only were they the coolest venue in Seattle and had the best beer, they also had burgers to die for.

    Speaking of which, what (apart from the obvious baby donuts) should be on our rider?

  128. Speaking of which, what (apart from the obvious baby donuts) should be on our rider?

    A personal yoga instructor!

    And Sausage Dish.

  129. Krista, don’t worry about competition on the belly-playing; unless you’re bizarrely double-jointed, I doubt you’d be zerberting your own belly…

    It occurs to me that Piggy Moo has moved on beyond theoretical band, all the way into theoretical orchestra. May I suggest an amendment for the name then? How about Piggy Moo and her Rock at Every Size Orchestra (where Piggy Moo is the stage name of the lead singer or somesuch)?

    Fillyjonk, I hope you’re going to compile the line-up once the comments have died down…

  130. I will play the washboard, just because it sounds like a super-fun time. Or possibly wine glasses filled with varying levels of water, like in Miss Congeniality. If I go with the second, I will periodically take one of the glasses and fling water into the audience.

    I am the palest person who has ever lived, so I will dye my hair black and wear red lipstick, so as to look as much like a vampire as possible. I will wear stiletto boots, and fishnet stockings and my totally hot black and white striped dress, and my big chunky red necklace.

    This sounds like way more fun than law school, that’s for damn sure.

  131. At first I wanted to be a groupie, but as they get dish duty, I’m joining the band!

    I will have a projector and and do the oil slime swirly show for the psychodelic look. On top of the colors though, I will draw beautiful pictures of fat women and people in the band and we will all be visually inspired.

    And i will join in on the belly drumming.

    I will wear a fabulous red and black satin short slip, cut low to show off my little boobies, red fishnets, and tall black leather fuck-me boots. And my hair will be black and red, and I will wear it in pigtails.

    And all the butch girl fans will love me.

  132. I have to run right to the end here (before I read everyone’s responses) and say that I want to be a backup singer and play the cowbell (or one of those other wacky percussion instruments) or maybe even handbells!

    I have lots of experience from church choir and am good at harmonizing and also played handbells.

    (flicks lighter) Piggy Moo!!!1!!

  133. Oops, forgot my costume(s) which will be many and varied and will include (for starters):

    a sequined formal worn with a huge beehive wig (cuz I can’t be bothered to do that to my own hair) basically, a classic ’50s girl-group backup singer getup.

    my black corset with ripped fishnets and metallic carwash-hemmed skirt.

  134. I sing lead, and I sound just like Chrissie Hynde, only a little bit better. My outfit is a rock classic: a black leather mini, knee-high boots, and a comfy but sexy super-low-V-neck purple tee. With feather trim.

    I might also sit in on the drums now and then.

    ::checks prices on region-free DVD players so she can watch English DVDs of the ’70s show “Rock Follies”::

  135. I’m in. My look is evil domme nurse. If nurses wear corsets. Have to have a corset. I think I need to play the sax, and I’ll be asking LeRoi Moore for lessons to that end.

    This is fun.

  136. Speaking of which, what (apart from the obvious baby donuts) should be on our rider

    Like Nigel, I want LARGE BREAD.

    182 comments. I just knew there were some serious closet rockers in here. Heh.

  137. On our rider? We need masseuses. In all shapes, sizes, colors, and genders. And lots of glitter hairspray. Oooh, and sushi. Good sushi. And fresh sliced pineapple.

  138. … it would be way cool to have two people playing ONE theremin! You could do it in a sort of interpretive-dancey way.

    Oh. I like the 2-on-1 theremin interpretive dance plan! (and thanks for the YouTube link, that was great)

    And for our rider? I’m thinking lots of watermelon and mangoes … and a week in Jamaica for every month on tour!

  139. I’m totally going to be a backup dancer along with Damnsle. She’ll clog, I’ll bellydance. I can do shimmies around her while she clogs.

    And I can play the zils (finger cymbals)! And I also have a very small bit of drum experience (like bellydance drum, not rockband drum).

    My costume will be tribal. Lots of earthy colors and tassles and jingly coins and CLEAVAGE. Huge, flowy circle skirt. Feathers in my hair, shells on my hips. YES.

  140. (I’m laughing so hard I’m crying right now. My boss thinks I’m nuts!)

    OK, I’m in. I play a vicious viola/fiddle and the oboe (cuz their more soulful than the sax, to me).

    My stage clothes? Total trashed-sequined-prom-formal with knee-high Doc Martins.

    Oh, and riders, we should have our own pool people (with all the requisite benefits.) and our chefs/cooks should be able to make killer Thai food!

  141. Um … one more thing for our rider which looking at pics from the Oscars reminded me of: Javier Bardem … not that I want him enslaved as my alpha cabana boy, or anything, but … well … he should just be … you know … available!

  142. Oh, I’m late to this party, but can I be the groupie?!?! I’ll have the Piggy Moo tats and hitch hike to all the gigs. I totally adore this idea… if someone comes up with the Piggy Moo graphic, I’ll totally add it to my blog and myspace page… Piggy MOO 4-ever!!!

  143. I want to be the harried and under appreciated stage manager. I will run around trying to rope all you cowbell playing, mohair vest wearing, cleavage showcasing, baby flavored donut tossing (and dimes, that cracked me up) band members in, so that you can be on stage in 10 MINUTES DAMN IT, AND WHY DOES NO ONE EVER LISTEN TO ME…STOP WITH THE CLOGGING, I WILL FIND YOUR CAT EYE GLASSES, PLEASE PUT DOWN THE SOY ICE CREAM SANDWICHES! on second thought give me one of ice cream sandwiches.

    Oh yeah, and occasionally I dress like Seven of Nine from Star Trek just for shits and giggles.

  144. Eh, dammit, I completely missed the bassist discussion due to being out of town where, incidentally, I saw my favorite bassist. Who sat on my lap. *grin*

    I want to play the electric triangle.

    Awesome.

  145. I’m so all about the mandolin. It’s awesome. And since it is so teeny, it will show off my big, lovely hips all the more. Whee!

    And I will be dressed all in blue. Blue everything. Why? Because it will CONFUSE MeMe ROTH!

  146. I always wanted to play synth…..
    I will wear torn up jeans, a pink blue purple green layered tutu and fairy wings! (I always wanted an excuse to wear that outfit in public….)

    are we gonna have a myspace page? has that already been covered?

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  148. Hey, remember when the tour bus broke down in the Swiss Alps and we did an impromptu gig in that tiny chalet? And when the end of sciencechick’s trombone knocked Katia’s tiara into the fondue? I was laughing so much I could barely play my tubular bells solo.

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  150. Ooh! Ooh! So late to the party but jumping on board anyway; this comments thread should live forever. I see someone’s already taken oboe (dang!) and electric harp (double dang!) and theremin (triple dang!), so I’ll rely on my operatic coloratura until I can finish manufacturing my Laser Guitar…

    Who’s doing the Myspace page? Whoever they are, can they immerse the band in scandal by posting an angry screed about “the skinnies” in the middle of Woodstocky?

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