I Have a Crush on a Teenager

Apparently, I’m gonna have to get myself one of those charming Cougar in Training t-shirts. (Unless I’m already old enough to be a cougar proper? If I am, don’t tell me.) ‘Cause I am fucking gaga for Kenny Blogginz, “Shakesville’s Senior Teen Analyst and 18-year-old Man-Boy of Leisure.”

His latest edition of Teenz Korner asks the question: Is feminism even necessary anymore? And he answers it in part by “interviewing” two teen Wal-Mart employees:

Women aren’t paid as much as men, you say? Maybe all you Islezbofascists should tell that to Monica Kciurzky, a 17-year-old employee of Wal-Mart, who has been assured by her manager on numerous occasions that she earns the same hourly wage as her male coworkers…

KenBlogz: Ok, then. What about feminists’ crackpot theories on how women are portrayed so negatively in the media that it oftentimes seems like a joke?

MonMothma: I take offense to that. My aunt was one of the firefighters that helped to rescue people during the 9/11 Terrorist Attacks on U.S. Soil. She was featured in Fox News’s piece, “Surprisingly, Their Tits Didn’t Get In The Way.” She was treated as nothing but a hero. They even devoted fifteen minutes of the segment to the fact that my aunt’s vagina didn’t get infected when she was forced to work in standing water. In fact, because of her Inferior Musculature, she was able to squeeze into areas that the Men simply couldn’t fit into.

KenBlogz: Wow, it sounds like your aunt really knew her place.

MonMothma: She did, she did.

In order to avoid being labeled a “sexist” by the Militant TamponBurners, I next interviewed Monica’s boyfriend, fellow Wal-Mart employee Andy Anderson.

KenBlogz: Andy, I’m doing an article about feminism. Where do you stand on the issue of Women’s Rights? Do they deserve them?

Adm.Akbar: Absolutely. It’s just that in this day and age, they already share all the same privileges as men. It’s like, give it up already!

KenBlogz: I know! It’s like they’re just looking for excuses to be pissed off all the time!

Adm.Akbar: You said it, bro! They need to redirect their anger into a valid issue, like The War on Christmas.

KenBlogz: You’re a real American Prophet. Wanna meet me at Depressed Dad’s [a local tavern] around 8?

Adm.Akbar: Absolutely! Hang on a second… MONICA! I’M NOT TAKING YOU TO THE MOVIES TONIGHT.

MonMothma: WHY?

Adm.Akbar: JESUS CHRIST YOU’RE SMOTHERING ME!

I think that was the first place where I laughed out loud, though there were several. And yes, this is really an 18-year-old man-boy writing this. I checked with Liss, because I didn’t fucking believe it. She confirmed that she actually changed his diapers.

An 18-year-old man-boy who not only gets feminism but knows who both Phyllis Diller and Valerie Solanas are? (And Kenny Loggins, for that matter?) AND is a fucking satirical genius? Seriously?

Seriously.

If this kid is straight, he can look forward to a lifetime of getting so much ass. Is all I’m saying.

78 thoughts on “I Have a Crush on a Teenager

  1. Dang, this kid is sharp, and bloody hilarious to boot…where were guys like that when I was 18? *sigh*

    If this kid is straight, he can look forward to a lifetime of getting so much ass. Is all I’m saying.

    For sure ;) – and probably true even if he’s not straight, with that wit.

  2. I haven’t got the urge to lay him, but I am feeling a strong desire to feed him pie and find him a nice person of the gender of his choice to appreciate the hell out of him.

  3. Hmm, I’m 24, so using the half-your-age-plus-seven rule, this is only slightly sleazy for me.

    That said, I found out the XKCD guy lives in my town so I’m directing my stalking efforts in his direction.

  4. Yeah, using half-age-plus-seven he’s even okay for me, and I’m almost 28. But using the half-age-plus-seven rule is wicked sleazy in and of itself!

    Luckily I do not have a crush on him, just an immense admiration and a wish to follow his hopefully meteoric rise.

  5. Luckily I do not have a crush on him, just an immense admiration and a wish to follow his hopefully meteoric rise

    Well, yeah, realistically, me too. But that’s not as fun.

  6. I love him! I caught his previous piece on church groups and laughed out loud, then forwarded it to my friend. Most stuff on Shakesville is brilliant but I rarely take such “extreme” measures as LOLing and forwarding. :)

  7. !!! Omigosh, what’s the half-your-age-plus-seven rule? I think it may change my life. (I find I’m liking drastically younger men these days. [Don’t worry, I’m pretty old.])

    BTW, I’m so glad you confirmed that the boy-man of leisure is really a teenager. I had a hard time believing it, and it just makes it so much more fun to know he’s a real teenager writing this well.

  8. If I were to apply what I *think* the half-age-plus-seven is…yeah, it’s a one-way ticket to Wrongtown. I would be the Mayor of Wrongville. The Duchess of Damn Wrong.

  9. Yeah, using half-age-plus-seven he’s even okay for me, and I’m almost 28

    Wait, no he’s not. Half your age plus 7 is 21, unless my arithmetic skills are failing me again.

  10. Oh, no, I just did some actual calculations. Half my age plus seven means that the college fellow I had my eye on is still off limits. I’m making a new rule, which is only valid for women over 40: half my age, PERIOD.

  11. Kate, as that particular bit of arithmetic also applies to me, I completely support it. :D
    *tries to look nonchalant and pretend that her lady wood for Kenny and Daniel Radcliffe isn’t all kinds of wrong*

  12. My personal age rule is generally younger than my baby brother is too young (I’m 25, baby brother is 19). I’m sure when I’m 36 and baby brother is 30, that will stop applying, but for now it works.

  13. Wait, no he’s not. Half your age plus 7 is 21, unless my arithmetic skills are failing me again.

    PLEASE SEE ABOVE WHERE I AM NO GOOD AT MATH

    Would you believe this (because it’s true): I did the calculation, and went “well 21 is more than 18, so that’s fine!”

    I also cannot tell my right from my left.

  14. And Lu, I think it may actually be Hugh Hefner’s half-age-plus-seven rule. If I’m not mistaken, which I may be (PLEASE SEE ABOVE).

  15. FJ: Well considering that Hef’s three girlfriends added together are still 10 years younger than him…

    How old is Hef? half his age + 7 would be like… 40 something right? I don’t think any of his ladies are on the back half of their 20s yet… soo….

  16. I would just like to party with this kid’s mom!

    She is seriously one of the most awesome women on the planet. She’s my best friend Todd’s mom (Kenny’s his little brother), and I love her only thismuch less than my own mom. :-)

    She has really and truly raised two of the most amazing dudez on the planet.

  17. True, lexy! Also, I just looked at Wikipedia and the rule seems to be of unknown provenance. I don’t know where I got the idea that it was Hef’s rule except I’ve probably seen him cite it, back in the day when he was young enough that half age + 7 still got him someone younger than 47.

  18. At a recent convention, one of my high school friends noted that, “Somehow with college students, ‘what a hottie!’ has turned into ‘my, what a charming young man!’ and I’m not sure when.”

    No such metamorphosis for me,I’m forty and I was practically drooling over a twenty year old, though not letting on, of course. Of course I still find men my age and older hot as well. I just think of it being a “variety is the spice of life” matter and go with the flow. I like the “half your age” rule!

    It’s not as if the antidepressants I’m on allow me more than weak and passing twinges of libido in any case. And having children in the picture doesn’t help with that. I still have a wonderful love life full of cuddles and kisses and hugs and love words, but I miss my formerly strong sex drive! A woman wants to feel like a little self love from time to time at least. Fortunately Ed’s on psych meds too, so he doesn’t miss out any more than I do and there’s no tension over it.

    Ed and I have been joking for years that in our retirement we are going to open a hotel for parental sex and naps. It would rent by the hour like *ahem* some of the hotels frequented in my youth, but only because you can’t hire a babysitter for longer than that. That parents could do what they REALLY want to do on dates. Even with antideppressants we headed to the woods once in awhile, but you really can’t nap there, charming as the woods are for other private endeavors.

  19. I don’t get the Solanas part. I’ve read as much of the S.C.U.M. manifesto as I could stomach (and hey, I watched the Lili Taylor movie lol) and those were pretty much exactly the things she said…but in the parody (or satire or whatever) she’s saying it’s not about all the things that she said it was about. Of course she was insane, but still. That part I don’t get.

    Phyllis Diller is one of my idols; didn’t think of her as much of a feminist activist though.

  20. Oh, and a data point: a good friend of mine, 34, is dating a 19 (almost 20) year old guy – and they’ve been together almost 3 years now! She feels occasional pangs of guilt about “robbing the cradle”, but they’re happy together – so much for that “half plus 7″ rule. ;)

  21. Mary: Ed and I have been joking for years that in our retirement we are going to open a hotel for parental sex and naps. It would rent by the hour like *ahem* some of the hotels frequented in my youth, but only because you can’t hire a babysitter for longer than that. That parents could do what they REALLY want to do on dates. Even with antideppressants we headed to the woods once in awhile, but you really can’t nap there, charming as the woods are for other private endeavors.

    I call first reservation!! I call it! Dibs dibs dibs dibs!!

    (Sorry, 6 month old was teething and coughing all night and then I had to get up and teach two sections of big freshman intro class. And then in between the two lectures I spilled my soup — clam chowder — in the department elevator. I spent my office hours/lunch hour chasing the elevator around with paper towels; every time I’d get to the damn floor where it had been, someone else would have called it to another fucking floor. I left the paper bowl the chowder came in next to the spill, in the elevator, because otherwise it really looked a LOT like puke. (It was New England style.) But of course that made me fret, because I could just imagine senior faculty getting in the elevator and thinking, “Good grief, someone spilled their soup and didn’t even bother to clean it up.” Anyway, point is, I REALLY FUCKING NEED A NAP! Way more than a booty call.”

    Oh, and, um, yeah… The 18 year old blogger? So awesome. Like Twistie, I also want to fix him up with someone high-quality and feed him. Chocolate cake, in my case, but same basic idea.

  22. Time-Machine is only 19???

    That’s what I said the first time I realized that, too.

    WHAT IS IT WITH THESE PRECOCIOUS LITTLE SHITS ALL OVER THE BLOGOSPHERE MAKING US LOOK BAD?

  23. Go for it, Time Machine!

    So…if women over 40 who go for men in their 20s are “cougars,” what does that make men in their 40s who go after women in their 20s? “Hornytoads”?

  24. “Annie, he was making fun of the idea that an avowed feminist woman is automatically a Valerie Solanas type.”

    I’ve personally only ever come in contact with one woman who espoused Solanas’ theories/ideas. At least on paper – can’t say how she lived that out in real life. Also one young man, but apparently he’s changed over the years. If there are people still critiquing Solanas’ stuff (and of course this young man is satirizing the critiques, I get that), I think they’re pretty out of touch – best to critique the real thing instead of the true crackpots.

    Actually, even before I “got it” Solanas saying “What the fuck are you talking about?” made me laugh :D

  25. best to critique the real thing

    But so much harder. A huge Frankenstein’s Strawfeminist made out of all of feminism’s most asinine incarnations is way easier to beat. Just like a big straw fattie made up of “only fat women are attractive,” “all skinny women are bitches,” and “everyone should eat donuts all day.”

  26. Hehe – Hi Mr. Blogginz. Anyone who likes Phyllis Diller is great in my book.

    And I am such a filthy, disgusting pervert, since I’m 41 and my son is 18, but…dangit, why are so many 18 year olds so hot? {{{Did I just say that out loud?}}}

  27. im just sitting here thinking: This guy is probably reading about a load of 30something and up women drooling over him and working out if its ok for them to fancy his young tender backside.

    it makes me smile.

  28. Yeah, well that’s all well and fine for the wallyworld crowd but how the hell do you explain twitney spears and lindsay lohan?

    meow.

  29. Well, Alice, you’re broken. Apparently.

    Let’s all get together and “do it” some time!

    Kenny, this immediately put me in mind of this, which I totally loved when I was about your age. So there you go.

  30. See, I feel *really* dumb because I thought Alice was being serious, and I like/agree with that Reason piece. As well as several other reason pieces I’ve read (only just found the site though, so we’ll see how that goes.) And I guess she was just joking.

    Well, I’m going to have to resign myself to the fact that there will be some humor I honestly don’t get. I’d say people like me were the real lavender menace in FA except I’d say there are so few that it won’t make the slightest dent.

  31. I don’t think Alice was joking. And I don’t have anything against Reason magazine.

    I think Alice has a history of trying to style herself as a contrarian here, when she actually seems more interested in picking fights for sport. Hence my total lack of patience with her.

  32. Without getting into what amounts to “choice” in a patriarchal society I just have to say… Kenny Blogginz is really fucking funny, and he’s dead on about young “progressive” men.

  33. Ohhh. Well as for me, I’m not here to be contrarian; that much is for sure. I’m here to partake of and in fat acceptance and to learn. And to talk to some people I find quite interesting, intelligent and fun. That’s my sinister ulterior motive lol.

  34. *pops back in*

    Holy Crap. I leave my laptop alone for a few hours so it can burn a DVD in peace, and come back and everyone’s been talking about me and how sexy awesome young I am.*

    (YOUNG AND PROUD) *starts playing Ace of Base*

    It’s funny when people on the interwebs are think I’m older than I am, because in the real world it tends to be the other way around.

    I looked too old for my age until I was about 15, and then at around 17 everyone thought I was younger than I really am.

    This problem is exasperated whenever my little sister is around. Stupid little pill, looking older than me!

    Time-Machine! Where are you?!

    I WAS BURNING MAI DVDS!!!

    Let’s all get together and “do it” some time!

    I concur.

    *I have no idea if strikethrough will work in these comments. We shall see.

  35. “Doing it” and Kate’s link all just made me think of this, which by the way I was really excited to find on youtube. (I’m only really thinking of the first half of it.) Heeheehee.

  36. “Doing it” and Kate’s link all just made me think of this, which by the way I was really excited to find on youtube. (I’m only really thinking of the first half of it.) Heeheehee.

    BWAHAHAHAHAHA. I love Space Ghost.

    Kenny’s comment actually made me think of this. Since we’re sharing.

  37. I apologize if I come across as overly negative. My opinion of Shapely Prose and most of the comments posted here is actually very positive. I just don’t think there’d be any real point in posting the majority of what I’m actually thinking, because by the time I get around to commenting, someone has already posted, in for instance the threads about the 14 year old, “This made my day!” or, “I’d tell my 14 year old self (everything I would have thought to write, but with better wording).” Since anyone reading the comments will already have seen those exact ideas, why would they want to read it again, except with my name above it?

    So, I say things I’m thinking that haven’t already been said. With the usually positive response commentators have here, I can see why that pretty much leaves only my negative thoughts. I’m used to posting at places with forced, or at least encouraged, anonymity, and of course being redundant would be looked down on in such places, as for all anyone else knows, similar comments are by the same person. Maybe I should sprinkle random positive, even if redundant, comments around my posts?

    In this case though, I’m afraid I really just don’t understand what’s witty about this. Sorry. Should I have just not posted at all? I figured any feminist would be interested in the article I linked, which while old is new to me, since it’s nice to have some good news at least every once and a while, right?

  38. Completely unrelated: Kate, are you still thinking of putting together a message board? Because we totally need one. It would be the most fun forum ever.

    And I’m still here, offering my services. I’m only minimally experienced with the graphical/coding side of things, but I have much experience as a forum administrator and moderator.

    Also, I head a great idea for a T-shirt. But I just totally forgot it. But I’ll let you in when it returns.

  39. missa, once you find that cartoon you can’t stop clicking until you’ve read every single one. At least I couldn’t. Enjoy. You’ll be sorry enough once you’ve read them all and have to wait an entire day for the next one lol.

  40. Time-Machine, people used to think I was about 21 when I was 15. Then I actually became 21, and now everyone thinks I’m 17! WOE.

    Actually, it ends up being a good thing. I’ve started to think, “Hey, if I look this young now at 22, maybe the trend will continue? Maybe I’ll be the youngest looking 30 year old ever!”

    And that makes me happy. ;)

  41. Time-Machine, Gemma, that’s so funny…the same thing happened/happens to me! From 14 to 17, everyone thought I was at least 18, but then I turned 18 and immediately looked 12, apparently. I’m now 27 and get guessed at anywhere from 17 to 22, usually. And it makes me feel really old that I’m finally old enough to appreciate it!

  42. I just have to tell my favorite “young for my age” story, since, even though I think I look my age now, even a few years ago that was not the case at all. On my 40th birthday, I was at the grocery store with a beloved friend who decided to tease me by telling the cashier it was my birthday. But when the cashier asked which birthday it was, my friend said, “Her 30th.” The woman was flabbergasted–apparently she thought I was younger than that. That was one of my favorite “presents” that day. I don’t know why looking younger is such a great thing, but to me it is–maybe because of that “half plus seven” rule we were talking about yestiddy. I don’t want to look so much the obvious “cougar,” I guess. ;-)

  43. Yeah, I just celebrated my 34th, and I had classmates absolutely insist that I could be no older than 24. Likewise, when I was 17 I was frequently mistaken for, huh, 24. My dad had the same problem when he was young. So hopefully I’ll be perpetually 24. Maybe it’s my fat that makes me look so young?

    Oh, and high five to Daniel Radcliffe lust. There was a still that came out before Order of the Phoenix from the dementor scene to which I kept returning, with my sister on the phone telling her ‘this is wrong wrong wrong.’

  44. http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2008/02/teenz-korner-young-publicans.html

    Sorry, I guess it was about young Republicans more generally, but the description of the church group struck me as so funny that that’s what stuck in my mind. (I am currently attending a career seminar at a sort-of megachurch and the painfully self-aware “badass” youth group room decor is only too evocative of the post.)

    Also sorry to only see the request eons later after everyone has moved on. :)

    Regarding whether he is a real person or 18, I certainly have no idea, but Kate did say that she just missed hanging out with his mom and she was purportedly awesome? So there is some supporting evidence? Right, guys? (It would really make my day if KB is actually this smart and hilarious at 18, despairing of the younger generation as I frequently do in my role of Curmudgeon Who Wonders What the World Is Coming To, so tell me I’m right! Please?) :)

  45. So…where is the proof that this person is actually a kid of 18?

    I’m good with the word of a person who knows him personally. And since I’m pretty sure his driver’s license doesn’t say “Kenny Blogginz,” I don’t know what other “proof” one could really produce.

  46. I’m so late to this party it makes me sad, since I love Kenny Loggins, I love good humor, I love witty writing (hence my presence here), and – even more – I love younger men!

    Kate, I say if this young man will take you up on it… go, go, go!! LOL Your friends will think you’re marvelous for snagging the younger guy, and his friends will think he’s marvelous for attracting an older woman. How do I know? I met a man of 22 when I was 38. I married him two years later. We just had our second anniversary. Life is grand… and you know what? No one really thinks a blasted thing of it! (And if they did, we’d just mock them later… something like you and this young guy would, methinks.)

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