Apparently, I’m gonna have to get myself one of those charming Cougar in Training t-shirts. (Unless I’m already old enough to be a cougar proper? If I am, don’t tell me.) ‘Cause I am fucking gaga for Kenny Blogginz, “Shakesville’s Senior Teen Analyst and 18-year-old Man-Boy of Leisure.”
His latest edition of Teenz Korner asks the question: Is feminism even necessary anymore? And he answers it in part by “interviewing” two teen Wal-Mart employees:
Women aren’t paid as much as men, you say? Maybe all you Islezbofascists should tell that to Monica Kciurzky, a 17-year-old employee of Wal-Mart, who has been assured by her manager on numerous occasions that she earns the same hourly wage as her male coworkers…
KenBlogz: Ok, then. What about feminists’ crackpot theories on how women are portrayed so negatively in the media that it oftentimes seems like a joke?
MonMothma: I take offense to that. My aunt was one of the firefighters that helped to rescue people during the 9/11 Terrorist Attacks on U.S. Soil. She was featured in Fox News’s piece, “Surprisingly, Their Tits Didn’t Get In The Way.” She was treated as nothing but a hero. They even devoted fifteen minutes of the segment to the fact that my aunt’s vagina didn’t get infected when she was forced to work in standing water. In fact, because of her Inferior Musculature, she was able to squeeze into areas that the Men simply couldn’t fit into.
KenBlogz: Wow, it sounds like your aunt really knew her place.
MonMothma: She did, she did.
In order to avoid being labeled a “sexist” by the Militant TamponBurners, I next interviewed Monica’s boyfriend, fellow Wal-Mart employee Andy Anderson.
KenBlogz: Andy, I’m doing an article about feminism. Where do you stand on the issue of Women’s Rights? Do they deserve them?
Adm.Akbar: Absolutely. It’s just that in this day and age, they already share all the same privileges as men. It’s like, give it up already!
KenBlogz: I know! It’s like they’re just looking for excuses to be pissed off all the time!
Adm.Akbar: You said it, bro! They need to redirect their anger into a valid issue, like The War on Christmas.
KenBlogz: You’re a real American Prophet. Wanna meet me at Depressed Dad’s [a local tavern] around 8?
Adm.Akbar: Absolutely! Hang on a second… MONICA! I’M NOT TAKING YOU TO THE MOVIES TONIGHT.
Adm.Akbar: JESUS CHRIST YOU’RE SMOTHERING ME!
I think that was the first place where I laughed out loud, though there were several. And yes, this is really an 18-year-old man-boy writing this. I checked with Liss, because I didn’t fucking believe it. She confirmed that she actually changed his diapers.
An 18-year-old man-boy who not only gets feminism but knows who both Phyllis Diller and Valerie Solanas are? (And Kenny Loggins, for that matter?) AND is a fucking satirical genius? Seriously?
If this kid is straight, he can look forward to a lifetime of getting so much ass. Is all I’m saying.