The Downside of Having a “Large Audiance”

So, just now, I found this in my inbox, right after reading about it over at Shakesville:

I have good reason to believe the government conservatives and liberals alike are covering up the existence of bigfoot or “susquatch” as sometimes it is known. Please say something about this on your blogs guys, it’s vary important and your lifes may depend on it when the bigfoots come out of hiding.

PLEASE TELL YOUR READERS ABOUT BIGFOOT, IT’S IMPORTANT AND THEY NEED TO KNOW AND YOU ALL REACH LARGE AUDIANCES.PLEASE DO THIS FOR ME AND FOR EVERYONE.

I can give you evedance if you need it.

As Liss said, consider yourself warned.

And that’s not all that lands in my inbox now that I’m mildly internet famous. I’ve been reporting all the e-mails about how Hillary Clinton is a satanist covering up the existence of aliens or some shit as spam, or I’d share one of those with you now. But check out this shit, which showed up yesterday, subject line: “An opportunity to review new CD for your healthy image blog.”

We’re currently working with SkinnySongs founder and lyricist, Heidi Roizen, to communicate with high-quality bloggers about her album entitled, “SkinnySongs.” It is our hope that you’ll be interested in receiving a copy of the album for review on your blog.

SkinnySongs isn’t about dieting, and it’s not workout music.

Okay. Not about dieting is good, though I wouldn’t mind if it were workout music.

Rather, SkinnySongs is the first radio-hit-quality music specifically written for empowering and inspiring people to reach their weight and fitness goals.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

And it gets better.

Penned by Roizen herself, SkinnySongs reflects her own personal journey:

“About seven months ago I hit an all-time high, I had gone from a size 8 to a size 14. Facing my 50th birthday, I did not want to enter the ‘back half’ not feeling good about myself, and at an unhealthy weight…”

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Yes, god forbid a menopausal woman should gain enough weight to kick her up to an “unhealthy” size 14. THE HORROR.

You know, Al deals with asshole spammers who throw shit all over just to see where it sticks every day, and yet I never cease to be amazed that there are still people out there who think this is a reasonable marketing strategy.

And the worst part is, the Skinny Songs thing came from an independent company that apparently gets paid to hook up clients with appropriate blogs. Because Shapelings are SO TOTALLY the right market for a CD meant to inspire women to “achieve their weight loss goals.” Written and performed by someone who thinks being the size of the average American woman at age 50 automatically made her unhealthy. AWESOME JOB, GUYS! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!

And watch out for the Bigfoots. They’re coming.

Update: The person who sent the e-mail about Skinny Songs has now sent a very gracious e-mail apologizing for getting it so wrong. All my comments about the original press release stand, but that was a stand-up move, which I appreciate.

71 thoughts on “The Downside of Having a “Large Audiance”

  1. Apparently Bigfoot supporters can’t spell or use spell check. And couldn’t they have come up with a better name than “Skinny Songs”???? That’s so…lame…for so many reasons.

  2. Did you ask for one? Because I’m not going to name any names, but a certain other blogger got the same email and I offered to guest-post a really vicious scathing review, so as to play to my strengths.

    But, you know, I could post it here.

  3. Oh, I know, but it would be so great to have choice quotes. Although I did point out to said blogger that she could really just rip on the email — as you have done so nicely.

    I am vacillating between trying to figure out a way (and a forum) to be funny without being so mean, or just giving in and owning the fact that I am only really funny at my meanest. But that doesn’t really have to do with the CD, just my personal ongoing identity crisis.

    In other news, do you get the New Yorker? Because there was a cartoon this week of a couple (not a George Booth couple but the same idea) where the guy was sitting with a laptop and saying something like “I’d just like to remind you that I have a huge internet following.”

  4. radio-hit-quality music

    I call bullshit without even hearing the songs.

    (Although a sick part of me kind of wants to hear them so I can not only shred the inevitable contrived and cheese-ified lyrics….and then feel superior about my own songwriting skillz.)

  5. You know, rag on the Skinny Songs all you like but the Sasquatches really are coming for us.

    Don’t say we didn’t warn you!

    (I’m pretty sure Big Foot is over a size 14 though)

  6. I bet it sounds not unlike the so-called ‘religious rock’ music some are perpetrating on the world. Religion and rock music do not. belong. together.

    A million times moreso for ‘thinspiration’ music. Yuck!

  7. My list of “the best music in the world” is stuffed with songs written by people who really aren’t taking it all that seriously. Things like “The Cover of the Rolling Stone” by Dr Hook, or the entire musical output of Tom Lehrer and Messrs Flanders and Swann are good examples. Of course, then there’s the other end of the spectrum, which is things like “Macarthur Park”, where the writer is taking things entirely too seriously, and you get the unintentionally hilarious result showing up on radio. Either way, I prefer to be able to laugh at the universe rather than having to sit and be all worthy.

  8. Oh yeah, “MacArthur Park” — I love me some Jimmy Webb, but I’ll bet that one makes him blush.

    But back to the OP — did this woman spend even 30 seconds reading your “healthy image blog”? If she did she might know that even the most diet-friendly among us do not consider a size 14 to be on the brink of death.

  9. “Rather, SkinnySongs is the first radio-hit-quality music specifically written for empowering and inspiring people to reach their weight and fitness goals.”

    I can imagine some of the titles of these fine, inspirational ditties:

    “Put Down The Cupcakes (And Pick Up the Handweights)”

    “The Ballad of Chubby McFatterson”

    “It’s Not Keen To Be a Size 14″

    “You Have Such a Pretty Face”

    and the Skinny Songs anthem

    “Calories In, Calories Out (I Just Gotta Shout)”

  10. Also,

    “Be My Little Baby Donut, Please (Buzz Around, Buzz Around, Keep a-Buzzin’ Round),”

    the pounding rock anthem, “No Fat Chicks, Please”

    and the moving ballad, “I’m Just Worried ‘Bout Your Health”

  11. Why do I picture this Roizen in a Jane Fonda’s Workout outfit, including the puffy braided headband? She sounds like such a throwback. I’ll bet she eats diet gelatin for dessert.

  12. This thread totally reminds me of Whose Line is it Anyway (US version), when they’d do the lead-in to forcing Wayne Brady to make up a song with a stupid title.

    (to the tune of any generic 80s rock ballad)

    Oh I woke up this mornin’
    And my jeans were so tight
    I felt in my gut
    That somethin’ wasn’t quite right
    So I quit eating food
    And I drank only tea
    Now I’m walkin’ in light
    ‘Cause the world fits me………. Again

    TINY PANTS
    I fit in my
    TINY PANTS
    Ooo-oo-oo
    TINY PANTS
    I don’t care ’bout my health,
    ‘Cause I fit in my
    TINY PANTS.

  13. I would actually *love* to hear at least a song or two. It would be awesome.

    To the person who said religion and rock don’t go together, I’d just like to say that doesn’t always apply to heavy metal – Sacred Warrior and Bride were two most excellent hard metal Christian bands. No, seriously.

    Fillyjonk: “I am vacillating between trying to figure out a way (and a forum) to be funny without being so mean, or just giving in and owning the fact that I am only really funny at my meanest.”

    For baby donuts’ sake PLEASE go with the latter!!!!

  14. Oh, and how could I have forgotten “Deliverance” when mentioning awesome religious hard heavy metal. Tsk.

  15. See, now you’re all making me think “The Shapelings” is a pretty good bandname.

    I’m more of a filker myself, so in the style of My Chemical Romance (I know, I know…)

    It’s Not A Diet, It’s A Fucking Lifestyle Change

  16. Religion and rock music do not. belong. together.

    Beg to differ, T. Thorn Coyle’s cover of Angelsea is life changing. :P

    Bigfeets walk among us already! The spam came too late to save us from the invasion. Satanic Clinton-supporting Bigfeet are even now preparing to overthrow everything that is good and holy. Stock up on baby flavored donuts for the end is nigh! Al Gore’s next movie is going to be all about the rising Bigfoot problem.

  17. I got a solicitation for review of Skinny Songs, too. WTF?

    (I’m accepting it. Just because. I want to see how much propaganda goes along with it.)

  18. I got the same email. Deeeelete.

    Someday, I might write back to one of these marketing trolls and ask if they actually READ the blogs they’re trying to target. Stoopids.

  19. I would think the Bigs Foot…er…Big Foots…er….Sasquatchi…whatever the heck you want to call them would totally love the Shapeling movement. After all, we don’t turn people away for being fat or thin or any color of the rainbow, so I would think they’d feel very accepted here. Surely shoe size and hirsuitness would be no barrier in the FA community.

    In fact, they might protect us from spammers with weight loss-realted products…if they don’t apologize nicely to us the way the creators and marketers of Skinny Songs have done.

  20. Shannon, these lyrics are…wow. Kind of pathetic in a way. It’s the kind of thing you can only write when you’re at the nadir of weight loss – when it’s freshly been shed and you’re riding high. Things like that can only sound good when you’re there, IMO.

    As to radio hits…well they put some crappy shit on the radio, so maybe. Sucks to me, though.

  21. With song titles such as “I’m a Hottie Now” and lyrics like:

    Lookin’ hard in the mirror, didn’t like what I saw
    had a talking with myself and I laid down the law
    gotta make some changes, gotta start right away
    I refuse to live my life, looking this way. (from “Who the Hell is That?”), the company that marketed the CD either doesn’t know jackshit about what your blog is about, or somehow thinks that you and the Shapelings will suddenly be inspired by the inspirational music that’s so inspiring.
    Fillyjonk, if you did review the CD, I would really hope you ripped them a new one.

  22. Can I still make fun of the songs now that they’ve apologized? At least lemme make fun of “Skinny Jeans” or “Thin.”

  23. oh god that “skinny jeans”, so catchy

    “we’d go out dancing, you’d hold me tight”

    “you still hang around…you’re bringing me down”

  24. definitive, remember it’s “you’d hold me IN so tight.” Hehe. I had a love affair like that with a certain pair of Calvin Kleins. First got them at 14, and they were your quintessential, 80s, “pull the zipper up with pliers and flatten your ass and belly,” up to the *real* waist (no low-riders then!) practically up to your armpits jeans. Ah I loved ‘em. Had my grandma replace the zipper about 18 times, just to hold in any spare inch of flesh – they were the jeans girdle! When I “ballooned” up to 150 pounds and dieted yet again, along with Nautilus training and so forth, I managed to fit into them once more – for several months in fact. Oh yeah, felt hot! Heh. Wolf-whistles and come-ons.

    Uh, I got past it. Really, I did. Though that GD song sorta reminds me of it now. Fuck.

  25. Did anyone who went to the skinny songs website see the tshirts?! Way to wear your self-loathing on your chest! I really hope I don’t ever see someone wearing one of those in real life.

  26. This should be a country album. It’s filled with the kind of self-loathing and bragging that makes the country music industry what it is today. Just think of the songs we could come up with:

    BIlly Broke My Heart at Lane Bryant…and I Cried All the Way to Torrid

    May the Bird of Celluite Land On Your Thighs

    Get Out Of The Bistro Grandma, You’re Too Fat To Fit In the Booth

    Thin-Necked Woman

    Jesus, Take the Scale

    Before He Eats

    I Love This Candy Bar

    She Thinks My Nordic Track’s Sexy

    It’s Dinnertime Somewhere

    Burgers For My Thin And Salads For My Fatties

    And that powerful Grammy-winning ballad… Live Like You Were Dieting

    I’m ready to go to Nashville and record the demo now!

  27. Ballad to Banish Your Fat Belly

    You’re wasting away
    I’m not sad to see you go
    Getting smaller every daaaaaaay
    I don’t want to bring you ho-ho-hoooome.

    I will ruuuuuun
    Till I fall down
    Don’t want you there
    to cushion the ground

    And I will hide you
    in black clothes
    until you disappear enough
    to be shown…

    Ohhhhh, belly you are such a jerk
    sticking around like this.
    Oh, belly just leave me alone
    You I will never miss.

    (ok, stopping now)

  28. I stand by my statement about religion and rock music. Just, no.

    Spirituality however is a different thing. One of my favorite albums ever ever is George Harrison’s ‘All Things Must Pass’ which features his big hit ‘My Sweet Lord’, among other excellent songs. Wouldn’t really call it ‘rock’ though.

    Jane, your song titles made me LOL. Nothing was funnier (or more pathetic) than the real songs though. Oh emm gee.

  29. Bonus Track:

    And now, ladies, for the serious part. (Cue dramatic music)… We’ve been together through a lot on this CD. We’ve been inspired to beat our bodies to pieces, we’ve run ourselves ragged, we’ve GONE for the DREAM. But, of course, I wouldn’t be doing my job if we didn’t pay attention to your spiritual, emotional, girly side, too. I’ve asked you to give up a lot for the sake of getting thin: your bodily autonomy, your health, your self-esteem. Of course, we’ll all say it’s worth it. But sometimes, we just need a little cry to give us that little extra push that we need. So now we come to the heart of the SkinnyPants philosophy, a meditation, a song of love and loss.

    (music swells)

    I was walking through the store and I was wearing a smile
    That is, until I went down the cookie aisle
    There he was, calling me, saying please eat just one
    I cried back if I do, I’ll soon weigh a ton

    He said, we had some really good times
    But I knew, I knew, he was chock full of lies
    Though I had to admit he looked pretty sweet
    I knew in my heart it was not meant to be
    My Milano and me

    I wondered what the other shoppers knew that I don’t
    They were happy, and healthy, and going for broke
    He was in all their carts, (I thought god, he’s a whore)
    I wanted to scream through the whole damned store

    What is that sparkle in everyone’s eyes?
    Why do they love him and not think about size?
    I’m sure that it’s his fault that my skinny jeans
    Don’t fit me, although I bought them when I was thirteen.

    I need someone to blame
    That I feel so much shame
    I don’t care if it’s wrong
    Know it was him all along…

    Now I sit in my room, I look at my clothes
    What really matters is the size that I show
    I say that I’m happy, but through sad eyes I see
    The days when I was just how I wanted to be
    My Milano and me.

  30. Did anyone see her comments before the lyrics of “The Incredible Shrinking Woman?”

    “One day, my 14 year old daughter asked me, if I could have any superhero power, what would it be? I answered that I would like to eat whatever I want and not exercise and yet never gain weight. ”

    Way to pass on the self-loathing to the next generation. Holy crap.

  31. First I was an 8, you were satisfied.
    But I kept thinking I could never live
    without some food inside…
    And I ate so many meals
    eating foods that were so white.
    Pants grew tight with every other bite.

    And now I’m fat… I take up space.
    You just walked in to find me here
    with doughnut crumbs upon my face.
    I should have bought a kitchen lock.
    I should have stopped to think it through.
    If I’d known for just one second
    That my fat would bother you.

  32. One day, my 14 year old daughter asked me, if I could have any superhero power, what would it be? I answered that I would like to eat whatever I want and not exercise and yet never gain weight. ”

    And even more sad, there was a tv-movie with Suzanne Somers where the plot was exactly that superpower, that she made a deal with Satan to never gain weight, and then had to figure out how to get her soul back.

    Please don’t ask me how I know this.

  33. car, ugh, I saw that one. “Devil’s Food”, I think it was called. It wasn’t a great movie by any means, and she broke the spell by getting pregnant. Their deal was broken! She had gained weight, even if Satan promised she wouldn’t! Also she didn’t even have a proper fat suit, it looked like paddings in her pants or whatever. And she had a “supportive” boyfriend who was trying to help her lose weight.

  34. And that boyfriend had also made a deal with Satan not to ever age, right? Or her co-worker, or something. I found it late at night once, and it was so terrible I couldn’t look away.

  35. Yeah, she went through two boyfriends, and the second one had made the deal to not age, and Satan was plotting to kill them both!

    I saw it one early Saturday afternoon, I think. The horrors of Saturday afternoons! (Today they showed Karate Kid II.)

  36. Yeah, it’s funny how a lot of these “sore losers” turn out to absolutely despise exercise, doesn’t it? I’d love to see a study done comparing the health benefits of exercise from people who enjoy their particular form of movement, versus those who hate exercise and only do it because they think they “have to.” (With a couch potato control group, of course.)

  37. OMG i havent gone through most of these comments, i just saw alexandra erin’s lyrics and i am DYING of laughter. omg… must go calm down.

  38. bigfoots reminds me of when I worked in publishing and got a non-fiction book proposal about the coming dragon apocalypse (“I have scientific findings in supporting my hypothesis. We are in big danger.”)

  39. My “fitness blog” received an invitation to review the SkinnySongs CD, too. I’m anxiously awaiting my copy *evil grin.*

    No, really. I took them up on it. Let’s see if they post my “glowing” review on their site.

  40. Ok, my own version of “Skinny Jeans,” dedicated to my old Calvins, which might fit one leg now. Sung to the tune of the Michael Jackson classic, “Billy Jean”

    “Chorus: Skinny jeans, throw on the floor
    Skinny jeans ’cause they don’t fit anymore….
    Then I’ll throw, throw them out, out the door.

    Back of the closet saw the skinny jeans, and I saw the scene
    Couldn’t bend or even stop to pee when they were on…but nevermind…
    Left ‘em on, lookin’ good, lookin’ fine.

    Had to get down supine, just to get em up
    Just to get ‘em up, up all over them hips…
    Had the pliers, sittin’ by, by the bed.

    Chorus: Skinny jeans, throw on the floor
    Skinny jeans ’cause they don’t fit anymore….
    Then I’ll throw, throw them out, out the door.

    Skinny jeans, throw on the floor
    Skinny jeans ’cause they don’t fit anymore.
    And to wear them was just a chore.

    Grab up the pliers and go to work, feelin’ like a jerk
    Why was it so hard to just look, just to look, look so fine?
    Get ‘em up, pray the zipper, doesn’t break, break again.

    Try to stand, finally make it up, and I take a look
    Oh yeah lookin’ fine, but the pain’s still inside.
    Yes the pain is still inside.

    Look back over years of time, and all of it mine
    All that pain and effort for naught…
    Gotta take, take myself, as I am.

    Chorus: Skinny jeans, throw on the floor
    Skinny jeans ’cause they don’t fit anymore….
    Then I’ll throw, throw them out, out the door.

    Skinny jeans, throw on the floor
    Skinny jeans ’cause they don’t fit anymore.
    And to wear them was just a chore.”

    Of course I threw them out a long long time ago. But I HAD to make fun of skinnysongs, and it’s quite seldom I can find intentional humor in myself. So there’s my little attempt :)

  41. Aww I’m so glad you liked it :) Unfortunately this post is old news now and I think you’re the only one who’ll see it lol.

    But it prolly sucks anyhow. I just love Billy Jean and felt inspired :)

  42. That big foot chased me, till I got skinny.
    I got real mini
    so ultra thinny.

    I threw out my size 14 pants
    I did a little dance
    The sasquatch began to prance

    I was a size 5
    I was barely alive
    I knew I could not thrive

    Then the bigfoots grabbed me
    That is the last thing I could see
    I couldn’t fight you see

    So I am gone it’s sad
    14 was not so bad
    I didn’t know what I had

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