I don’t think I even have enough snark in me today to deal with this article on how straight women have to be careful when hanging out with their own boyfriends and husbands, because it might make them fat.
We’ve all been in that situation. It’s a Sunday afternoon during football season and your significant other is deciding between pizza, nachos and a burrito and now that he’s talking about it, so are you. But be careful: At best, women burn about 26 percent fewer calories a day then guys do, so if you mimic his eating habits, you could end up piling on the pounds.
OMFG. First, we all know that no woman ever craves pizza, nachos, or a burrito all by herself; the thought will only occur to her when her man brings it up. Second, we all know there is no possible way that a woman who does not want pizza, nachos, or a burrito would ever think to say, “Ehh, I don’t really want that. I’m going to have something else.” ‘Cause once the boy’s made a suggestion, her free will drains out through her pores, apparently. And third, that little bit of calories in/calories out pseudoscience right there? Is just the tip of the fucking iceberg.
Here are the reasons why men make women fat, according to the article:
- They refuse to eat vegetables.
- They like to eat in front of the TV.
- They like to drink beer.
- They like drive-thru fast food.
- They like full-fat instead of low-fat food. (Actual fucking quote: “Most men would as soon buy tampons as tofu — low-fat labels drain the machismo right out of them.”)
And there are STATISTICS to back up all these assertions about men, so IT’S TRUE SHUT UP.
Now here’s what women are supposed to do to counteract the effects of heterosexual relationships on their “health”:
- Sneak vegetables into the food you will be cooking for both of you (obviously).
- Watch TV shows that bore you instead of ones you really like, so you don’t get so into the show you forget to pay attention to your snacking. (I’m not even fucking kidding.)
- Skip beer on week nights — “chances are, you’ll enjoy the alcohol more if you save those calories for a mini-splurge at a future happy hour or during a weekend out.” HE won’t, apparently — you’re also counseled to ask him to only keep enough beer in the house for him to drink as he pleases — but you’ll sure enjoy it more if you deny yourself during the week!
- “Before you hop into the car, throw your favorite portable healthy food — a peanut-butter protein bar, a banana and mozzarella string cheese, a cup of Greek yogurt with honey — in your bag.” This is so you won’t be tempted to order something when he drags you through the drive-thru. For real. I’m not even going to get started on how, exactly, one is supposed to throw yogurt with honey in her bag. I’ll just say that if you’re really worried about this one, here’s an even better suggestion: YOU DRIVE.
- Use low-fat everything. ‘Cause that will totally keep you healthy and make you lose weight.
And wait, it gets better! Here’s some of the “science” behind these instructions.
Eating a cup and a half of frozen mixed Oriental-style veggies with a half-cup of cooked rice also saves you 130 calories, versus eating two cups of rice alone — enough to prevent a 14-pound weight gain every year.
I love that she makes that claim about a 14-pound weight gain without ever saying how often you are supposed to have this particular meal. Every night? Once a week? No idea. But it will TOTALLY PREVENT YOU FROM GAINING 14 LBS.
A 120-pound woman burns only about 54 calories an hour watching TV (a 180-pound man burns 74 calories per hour).
Okay, first, a 120-lb. woman probably burns less calories than a 180-lb. man because, oh, I don’t know, SHE’S GOT LESS BODY TO FUEL? Second, even if there is some tragic difference in how much women and men burn while watching TV, women undoubtedly make up for it with all the extra housework we do, so I wouldn’t worry about it.
Alas, even a 12-ounce ultra-low-carb beer has 95 calories. Have one four nights a week and you’ll see a six-pound weight gain in a year’s time (not including the junk you scarf while your guard is down).
Once again, we are to believe that the laws of thermodynamics mean calories will affect every single human being in precisely the same way. I understand that people still believe this horseshit, but I can hardly believe it’s still being published.
Can I get some volunteers to do a study with me? We’ll all drink beer 4 nights a week for a year, and see if we’ve all gained exactly 6 lbs. at the end of it. I’m betting the results won’t be quite so neat, but we’ll probably have a good time doing it — unlike the poor women who are saving up for a “mini-splurge” of an Amstel Light on the weekend, because they’re terrified of letting their guards down and accidentally eating something they enjoy.
One fast-food grilled-chicken club sandwich has 570 calories. You could eat a half-pound of skinless chicken breast, a half-cup of couscous and a cup of cooked green beans and still save nearly 300 calories (even without the fries or soda). Indulging even once a week means you’ll be about one pants size plumper in a year.
Once again, I can’t even believe shit like “you’ll be one pants size plumper in a year” gets published without anyone batting an eye. Because the exact same weight gain causes the exact same size change in every woman. And women who eat/burn the same amount of calories will have the exact same weight gain. OF COURSE. Also, more importantly, when you “save yourself” those 300 calories? That means you’re eating 270 calories. FOR A WHOLE MEAL. As in, 810 calories a day, if you eat 3 meals like that. 3 meals of 570 calories, on the other hand? Is about exactly what they start you on when you join Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig. The “splurge” is still a fucking DIET.
And ALL OF THAT is setting aside the fact that this entire article is about the extra effort women must make to stay slim and “healthy,” while their men live like the happy-go-lucky, self-involved slobs God made them to be, only consuming a vitamin inadvertantly now and again, when their womenfolk sneak veggies into their pasta sauce. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
I’m really not sure if this one pisses me off more as a feminist or a fat acceptance activist. Let’s just call it a draw.