I have considered PCOS, but no, I don’t think I have it. I agree with you that ED and dieting can mess up a metabolism, but after 15 years, I think I’ve given my body weight enough of a chance to settle. What actually happened after I stopped dieting and went through ED recovery was that my body gradually lost a little weight as a side-effect. Then one summer it decided to turn round and gain weight gradually, even though I wasn’t doing anything different in my recovery from the ED. Up and up and up went the weight. Only a ridiculously huge amount of exercise keeps the weight stable. Something is causing significant food cravings and I don’t know what that is.

In another way, it was the most frightening, because I suddenly saw, in those first few weeks where I only ate when I was hungry, just how disordered my eating had been while I was in the middle of weight-loss dieting, and just how much damage I’d been doing to myself by partaking in it. I also realised just how many of the symptoms of the depression which had been the centre of my existence for the previous sixteen years had been masked by the weight-loss dieting: the constant negative thinking (but it *was* my fault I was fat, wasn’t it?); the use of food as comfort (it was forbidden, I was being a rebel!); the misery and low self-esteem (of course I didn’t think much of myself – who’d think anything of a fat, lazy lump like me?); the lack of interest in living (I was a fat, ugly lump, after all); the suicidal thoughts (the world would have been better off without a fat lump like me) and the thoughts of self-harm (I wish I could just cut this ugly fat off… should I start with my throat?); the lack of social contacts (who’d want to associate with someone like me?). All of these were blamed by me on my weight, and my weight was the reason why I didn’t seek treatment for the depression – after all, if I couldn’t manage something easy, like losing weight, how the hell could I possibly believe I was worth treating at all?

It took me three years and the encouragement of my partner at the time to go to a doctor and even *admit* I was depressed. That doctor sent me off for a blood test, and discovered that my thyroid hormone levels were all out of whack, and I had the classic symptoms of hypothyroidism. To this day, I’ve no idea how long I had it – it may have been that I developed that as part of puberty, or as an after-thought to ten years of yo-yo weight loss. Getting that treated was a good start. But it was another three years after that before I finally screwed up my courage, and risked seeing a doctor and admitting that I was depressed.

So, from age fourteen (when I started experiencing the early stages of depression) through to age thirty (when I finally started getting the depression treated) I lived through sixteen years of absolute hell, and for at least nine of those years, I was thoroughly convinced I deserved every minute of it as a punishment for being so horrible, so ugly, so fat. Sixteen years of my life effectively wasted – over half of my lifetime. Ten years of dieting helped me to convince myself that I deserved it, and masking the symptoms.

The incredible amounts of negative self-talk which are generated by weight-loss dieting are unbelievably harmful. The endless focus on what hasn’t been done, on what could have been avoided, and on a facet of existence which is ultimately peripheral to whether or not you’re “attractive” (I didn’t wind up with a partner until I was 26, because it took me that long to believe I was just as entitled as any other woman to have one – we’ve been together now for about ten years) is mentally harmful. It neutralises the energy of a whole group of people (indeed, it effectively neutralises an entire sex/gender identity as political and social forces, because if you’re female, the first thing you’re judged on is your appearance) and it takes away from what we could be. Worse still, it is *spreading*.

When I was in high school, none of the boys appeared to be all that worried about their appearance. Ten years later, working for the public service on an IT helpdesk, I was surrounded by young men who were intensely worried about how they looked, and who were taking one supplement or another to help themselves look “buffed”. Most of these guys weren’t long out of puberty, and the ones who were worried were generally the long, lanky types, who couldn’t gain weight where they wanted it. I trust everyone sees the irony involved?

I don’t want my nieces to have to go through what I went through. I don’t want them living the hell I did. It’s why I’m a practicer of size-acceptance (*any* size, provided it’s one you’re healthy at), and why I work to show there is an alternative to constant weight-loss dieting.

Which isn’t to mean I look down on people who diet. I just don’t want to hear it. I’m polite to my weight watching family members and my body hating friends. And then I come to the online world of size acceptance and it’s a breath of fresh air :-D

For the comment on people giving up exercise – man, I should start my own blog and write a whole post on that because discussing this is a huge part of my life right now, LOL! But I’ll just quickly say I think one of the main reasons that happens is because so many people (ok, every single person I *personally* know) only start exercising (wait for it!) to LOSE WEIGHT. So when the weight loss stalls or reverses, they give up the exercise since it’s obviously “not working” :::headdesk:::. On the other hand, if you do some form of exercise because it’s fun, or because you feel better and NOT to lose weight or because you “have to”, I’d hope you’re more likely to keep with it. Unfortunately, I have no real life examples of this because I’m surrounded by dieters :-( But if I understand correctly, it’s a main tenet of HAES, right?

love you woman.

h.x

I am loving this energy today. I’d look forward to a place, space and time to clean out my own pile of poo. Too strong? I think not.

And anonymity is something to consider too, though I think WordPress allows for it, for those who don’t feel comfortable. I’m going to consider whether it belongs on this blog or its own blog.

But yes, i want to say that those kinds of places can be really wonderful to be a part of. We dont do enough female bonding in real life, a place thats safe to talk about things without bitching is increasingly rare this day and age.