A Scottish study of a whopping 42 couples has produced this groundbreaking new information:
… [P]eople often married within their own social class as well as taking looks, height and race into account.
Go ahead and take a minute to get your jaw off the ground. But then get ready to be shocked again, because this study ALSO revealed that couples tend to have similar proportions of body fat.
Which leads us to the obvious scientific question: How come fatties aren’t too grossed out by each other to fuck?
Er, wait, I mean, How is this happening?!?
Prof John Speakman, of Aberdeen University, said “What is currently unclear is how these associations come about.
“Perhaps the social activities of the overweight and obese people coincide, making them more likely to meet partners who are also overweight and obese.”
How did he know? I totally met Al at the local Fatty Sock Hop, and our next date was at the Fatty Museum, and since then we’ve just been sitting in front of the TV together. Eating.
So what’s the problem with this kind of quasi-connubial bliss? Three guesses. First two don’t count.
Scientists said this “assortive mating” could be contributing to a worldwide obesity epidemic.
This, they argue, is because children who have an overweight mother and father could be more susceptible to putting on weight.
Okay, first, children with two overweight parents are almost certainly “more susceptible to putting on weight,” because it’s largely genetic. Let’s not beat around the bush on that one. Second, if the “worldwide obesity epidemic” is due to fat people having the nerve to fuck each other, doesn’t that mean, from an evolutionary standpoint, that fat people have no good reason to want to fuck thin people, since our genes are doing pretty okay for themselves?
Oh, of course not. It means scientists need to spend more money researching why fatties are attracted to each other — it’s inconceivable! — so they can nip this epidemic in the bud.
Never mind that one of the reasons why fatties end up together might just be because thin people (well, all people) are trained from day one to find fat people repulsive. Or that people with similar life experiences — like, say, being ostracized because they’re fat — might feel a natural connection to each other. Or that those other factors like “social class” and “looks” might be related to body fat. Or that if you’re fat, being grossed out by fat people means being grossed out by yourself, and not all of us are willing to spend a lifetime feeling that way. Or that, you know, attraction is weird and complex and individual.
Also, check out this train of thought:
He said assortive mating for body fat was relatively new as in the 1940s and 50s people got married in their early 20s, often before they were overweight or obese.
“It would have been difficult for them to assortively mate for body fatness because it would be impossible to distinguish somebody who was thin from somebody who was thin but going to become fat,” Prof Speakman said.
“Nowadays, we choose partners and have children much later, but if we are going to become obese, on average we do so much younger.
“This makes it possible for potential partners to select each other on the basis of body fatness.”
I was with him about halfway there. Al and I were both a lot thinner in our early twenties. If we’d met and married then, we might be looking at each other like, “Hey, what happened?” now. Or, more to the point of the first half, if I’d married the thin guy I was dating back then and started procreating right away, our kids would have an equal shot at thin genes and fat genes. (Never mind that I’ve also dated thin guys while fat and fat guys while thin and just happen to be both fat and crazy in love with a fat guy right now.)
So, yeah, I can buy the possibility that later marriage means a better idea of whether the person you’re marrying is going to be fat in the long term. Except, “Nowadays… if we are going to become obese, on average we do so much younger.”
Wait, what? If we’re fatter much younger, then why the hell does it matter if we marry later?
Regardless, I guess I can agree with his conclusion, however the fuck he arrived at it. It certainly seems as if fat people are choosing to be together. The horror!
Of course, from what I can tell here, the same research also showed that thin people are choosing to be together. Which is not at all horrific, because that pattern will probably produce thin babies.
The question then is, where are they headed with this? If things were “better” when thin people were hitching their wagons to latent fat people at a young age, doesn’t that suggest the solution to the “obesity epidemic” is to get fat people and thin people to start fucking each other more and even things out? And if so, why aren’t they campaigning for thin people to quit fucking each other and start fucking fatties for the greater good?
Three guesses. First two don’t count.