I’ve finally written down a comments policy, y’all. It’s available at the top of the page, but I’m also posting it here to get some feedback from my lovely commenters.
What do you think, lovelies? Did I forget anything?
*
What it comes down to is this (click to enlarge):
(You can get your own certificate and some great advice on comment moderation at Making Light.)
Even shorter version? My house, my rules.
Longer version? So glad you asked.
First rule: There are no rules. There are patterns that will be identifiable to anyone who pays attention, but they aren’t set in stone. And if I make a list of shit that will get you deleted and/or banned, I can be certain that some ill-natured and vexatious person will come along, piss me off for some reason not on the list, get deleted and/or banned, and then whine, “But I abided by the comments policy!” I’m not even dealing with that, y’all.
Second rule: Good-natured and delightful people don’t have to ignore the trolls; you’re more than welcome to tell them to get bent, question their logic, trump them with your brilliance, and make fun of their spelling. I will be doing the same when I don’t choose to delete and ban the little fuckers. Only caveat is, if I do choose to delete them at some point, I might delete your comments, too, just because one half of the conversation won’t make sense on its own.
Third rule: Know that if you make a hateful, pointless comment, I might very well turn it into a new post. If all you have to say is that fat people are lazy and disgusting and unhealthy and deluded and blah dee friggin’ blah, your chances of shaming me are very, very low. Your chances of becoming the subject of group ridicule, however, are very, very high.
Fourth rule: If you even fucking mention “free speech” with regard to my comments policy, you will be banned. I am not a representative of the government; when I tell you, directly or indirectly, to shut up, it does not in any way violate your Constitutional rights. If you want to speak freely, the fine folks at WordPress will be happy to provide you with the exact same kind of platform I use. But if you want to play in my sandbox, you need to not piss me off.
Fifth rule: Polite disagreement doesn’t piss me off. Bullying does. And bullies are inevitably the only ones who don’t get that distinction, so I don’t think I need to say any more about that.
Sixth rule: I really don’t give a rat’s ass if you don’t understand why your comment was deleted, your username was banned, I was nasty to you, or other commenters were nasty to you and I didn’t tell them to back off. The answer is, you were judged by the sole authority around here to be a troublemaking douchehound. No, really, that’s the whole answer and the only answer.
Seventh rule: If you’re really worried because you don’t have any specific guidelines for not getting banned, try this: be good-natured and delightful. Clever and funny also go a long way with me. If you can’t be any of those things, be coherent, reasonable, and respectful. You’ll be fine.
Eighth rule: Be aware that if you posted a coherent, reasonable, and respectful comment and it didn’t show up, you probably got trapped in the spam filter, which I can’t control. I do, however, check it once a day and release the coherent, reasonable, and respectful comments. So either relax and wait for that to happen or e-mail me (sometimes, when spam volume is high, I don’t even see the good comments), but either way, know that if you behaved like a decent human being, I didn’t delete you on purpose.
Ninth rule: All of the above rules are subject to change at my discretion.
Happy commenting.
Still my hero, Kate. If for nothing else, the continued usage of the word douchehound.
Hear, hear! *applauds* Very well said! ;-)
I love, love, love Rule #4. There are way too many whiners out there who have no freaking clue what “freedom of speech” means.
The first rule of Fight Club is – you do not talk about Fight Club.
You left out “Because I said so” somewhere in there.
The first rule of Fight Club is – you do not talk about Fight Club.
I came thisclose to saying “The first rule of Fat Club is…” but eventually rejected it.
Dang, ya shoulda gone w/ that! :) Seriously though, looks good to me.
I’ve been waiting years to tell this story and I’m going to tell it now with all it’s raging glory. My two daughters, my husband and I were at the Zoo. My two daughters are in their 20′s and it was fun just the 4 of us hanging out and checking out the zoo creatures. It wasn’t until we were at the human exhibit (you know, the exhibit where people are sitting sipping their diet cokes and watching all the people go by) that I wanted to take a mother’s head off of her shoulders.
Her innocent young son, who I’m sure was taught his morals from his fine outstanding parents shouted out to his mother. “Oh my God mom, look how fat that girl is, she’s gross.” She was pointing to my eldest daughter.
The mother hushed her son and said some such thing like, “she can’t help herself, she has no self control like we do honey.” I turned on around and was about to pounce on big mama’s with my quick wit of my tongue when my husband’s “intelligent” hand stretched out and grabbed my arm. He whispered in my ear that she couldn’t make a prediction of anyone’s plight because she couldn’t even see her own.
I let out a discusting look at my husband knowing he was right and then I saw the look on my daughter’s face. She was white, pale at having heard his comments. I wanted to take the pain away so bad but I was helpless. I was hoping she hadn’t heard, but she did, and I’m sure she’s heard it many times before.
My daughter is a medical doctor. She treats her patients with dignity and respect………yep even the fat ones. I’m proud of her and still a little ashamed that I didn’t knock that woman’s block off for perpetuating the hatred for the “not so slim janes.”
You forgot to list defenestrate. Nothing says STFU like a good defenistration.
Applause, MyOwnWoman! If it was me in your position, I think I’d have said, “If my daughter hasn’t bitten you on the ankle and drawn blood for being so hateful and mean to her, she’s showing more self-control than you deserve. You know nothing about her. Nothing.”
But then, your daughter grew up to be a doctor, and a fat-friendly one, too, so no flies on your approach either!
And Kate, did you forget, “There is no rule six”? Or has that one been ground to a powder already by Pythonistas?
I love “no one has to listen to you if you’re being a jerk”.
the best comment policy i ever read was this:
“This is not a public street corner. While I am a rabid free speech supporter, your natural right to self expression does not require me to publish your opinion and spend bandwidth and resources doing so.”
“But if you want to play in my sandbox, you need to not piss me off.”
I’ve never understood why this was such a difficult concept for people.
And Kate, did you forget, “There is no rule six”? Or has that one been ground to a powder already by Pythonistas?
It has totally been ground to a powder, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have used it. Dammit!
In fact, the official version has now been changed to reflect this oversight.
Well said! My personal analogy for blogs is that a person’s blog comment space is like their living room, with all that implies about the owner’s right to kick people out, insist on reasonable behaviour, and set the agenda for discussion. You’ve invited us here, we’re responsible for our own behaviour, and you have the right to set the rules.
‘Because I’m the blogger, that’s why. Now shut it and eat your peas.’
Or, for those times you do ban someone, I offer the wise wonderful words of a grand Southern Granny I knew- ‘You can run along now, we’ve all seen you.’
awesome.
There you go being all reasonable ‘n’ shit again…
Like a hole in the head…
But you just NEED a blog called Fat Club.