Thorn, I am so sorry that you ran the gamut of crass ignorance that is so prevalent in so many families. To me, you are an absolute hero and you have my deepest respect. I can identify strongly with the story of your Mum and her dreadful experience of neglectful, incompetent doctors.

I have been fat all of my life. I was adopted at 3 weeks old by two skinny blonde runners, so lifestyle was not responsible for my weight. Genes are, my biological parents were both very fat and I never lived with them. I was brought up, loved, educated, very active and have endured fat hatred for all of my life but never from either of my parents.

I have experienced this hatred not just from society (there’s been plenty of that) but also from the medical profession here in the UK. Doctors and nurses take one look at me and immediately assume that as I am fat I must be ignorant, uneducated, stupid, in denial, a liar and just plain old not worthy of respect as a human being.

I have a serious health condition which is totally unrelated to being fat. Yet I have had to endure a senior surgeon berating me loudly on an open mixed ward, telling me that I was obviously eating nothing but burgers and butter and if I didn’t lose weight I would die a slow painful death that he would be happy to watch as I clearly deserved my (fictional) fate. No matter how I stood up for myself (I used to be scared of no one and erudite enough to let them know it) he countered my arguments with mockery and abuse and the whole episode ended with him and his team of four doctors and three nurses standing around my bed, laughing loudly at me. I could do nothing but lie there after and listen to other patients deciding to have go and offer further insults.

For the rest of my hospital stay I was referred to as “blubberguts” and “daisy in denial” by some of the senior nurses. One student nurse was so appalled by my treatment that she summoned Patient Liason and after the offending staff had been spoken to, my treatment improved a little. It didn’t stop one senior nurse witholding my prn morphine and making comments such as “if we find the cakes you have hidden in your bed, then you can have the pain relief like a good girl instead of a silly, stubborn fatty”.

I was still so ill when discharged I did not have the energy to pursue a formal complaint. After a year of recovery, I was out of the time limit for the cumbersome, slow moving formal NHS complaints procedure.

This happened four years ago and I still have nightmares about those three weeks of hell. I actively avoid going to the doctors and even though I am extremely fit, have low cholesterol, no sign of diabetes and an olympian resting heart rate of 53, I am living in fear of hospital admission and the inevitable bullying and neglect I know I will endure.

Despite being fit, educated, willing to stand up for my rights, I know I stand little chance of ensuring appropriate care that isn’t laden with “lose weight and we will treat you as something other than a worthless pile of shit”.

When will the world learn that bullying and punishment will do nothing for a person’s wellbeing other than destroy it?

I can understand why and how your Mother lost her confidence.

I have lost mine, and all faith in human nature.

Thank you for sharing your story.

everyone hears the ads. nearly no one hears the facts. i am so thankful for kate, because without her sternly worded lectures, here, i’m quite sure i could be as big an asshat as any of your wretched family members. it is horrifically embarrassing to realize that as an extremely critical consumer of media lies, that i bought this shit too. i have no idea how to get it across to your family, but kate harding worked for me. and i am not a naturally fat person.

for as heartbreaking as this story is, i can’t let you get away with the last paragraph, where you say (in essence) that your mom died because she was unwilling to fight for the heath care she deserved. she refused to throw herself on the mercy of the fat bigots, and that is really the most reasonable thing she could do. i myself once had the personality to stand and deliver in the face of asshattery, too – and i just lost interest sometime in my third decade. why put myself through that, and for what ends?

the blame lies squarely with the bigots who drove her away, who neglected their professional duty, and who shamed her. fuck them right in the ear.

ignorance is largely to blame. that’s what we’re fighting, here. thanks to kate, we can fight it with facts.

WE are moving into a utopia and if you don’t fit the bill you are chastised.
I say BULLSHIT!
When people start on me for my weight, I tell them “Yea I can loose the weight but you will still be an ASSHOLE!”

I think I will put that on a t-shirt!

I think you should forgive your family, though. If you stay angry with them, you’ll be letting them control your feelings. I know from experience that forgiving people who are patronising and/or cruel s the best way to cope.

And thank you Thorn for your post. It’s sad, and maddening. I’ve friends who are in your situation, and am appalled by the number of people who think they need to just change their lifestyle – they are usually the most healthy people I know, in terms of lifestyle.

Also, while diet changes and exercise might help reverse your dad’s health problems, they might not cause him to lose weight, and it really doesn’t matter if he does. Weight loss in itself doesn’t help with that stuff — if it did, lipsuction would cure them.