I actually think it’s good for us to be interdependent beings. Not just women dependent on men, mind you, but people of all sorts dependent on those with whom they have – or need (as with children to their parents) – meaningful relationships.

It would sure make life a whole lot easier if I never needed anyone else to tell me I’m okay, but we’re relational beings, and the very real benefit of strong, good relationships deserves to be celebrated and appreciated.

For my part, I’m still looking for the right guy. But I’m still not sure I’d get by without all the little ways I’m supported, helped, and encouraged by the people I do have in my life. (Even when some of them still can’t accept that the fat me is also the real me).

there are a lot of things we can do for ourselves, and i am so happy to read such an eloquent post on the need for human companionship. it is as basic a human need as there is, just as there is for food, oxygen and water. it feels very unfair that such a basic need is so hard to satisfy. the dependence on other people makes it such a fragile thing. and you can have it, and lose it – for hundreds of reasons. and the search continues.

i am not sure that people who match the media’s idea of beautiful have an easier time finding a really, really good match – only that the field to choose from seems to be a lot broader. but attraction being subjective, is that even true? i wonder. it’s sure as hell easier to feel confident when you’re not struggling with self-loathing and fat-hatred and people who judge your character by your BMI. but when you’re thin and dating, are the *quality* of those matches all that great? i am less convinced, all the time, that this can even be the case. i think the media makes us *believe* it is easier, but i doubt that it really is. i see so many truly beautiful people of all sizes, with so much confidence drained by media messages that tell us we all suck, in bad relationships – some really abusive ones (rihanna and c.brown?) – just because of the destructive nature of those messages. ‘you’re ugly and need to spend big money on yourself to be lovable’ – that notion hurts everyone, and is extremely destructive. no one should hear that shit, fat or thin or anywhere in-between. it’s just especially destructive in a climate of fat-hate that practically qualifies as war.

between age 15 and 21, i successfully starved myself into what i thought everyone agreed was the perfect shape, and it so happened at that time that i found my sweetie. he thought i needed a few pounds, and that if he waited, i’d probably fatten up a bit. i’ve been in that solid, loving and supportive relationship for well over a decade, starting when i was a miserable harridan who was the perfect shape and continuing through this day, when i am now far from both ‘perfect’ and ‘miserable’.

i’m so much happier now. being in a loving relationship allowed me, eventually, to stop torturing and starving myself and become a person who was enjoyable to be around – which believe me, i was not, not when i was hungry all the time and obsessing about every fucking thing i put in my mouth. i was the most irritating nutritional evangelist ever. how he put up with me when i was in that state, i do not know, but he’s a patient sort. and he loves food, so he slowly wore me down. there must have been some good material clearly under the surface then, so he was willing to wait until i calmed the fuck down and treated food like food instead of like extremely dangerous seeds of the destruction of human civilization.

love is amazing that way. it does amazing things for us. it is a basic human need. and i think it’s why it’s doubly cruel that we hear shouting commercials every day telling us how horrible we are without this product or that one, or that when we are perfect we will finally find The One. we’re constantly living in a state of (perfect) imperfection. and we always need and deserve love, and food and water, and oxygen, and movement, and mental stimulation, and dozens of other things. we don’t earn those things when we have achieved a state of grace, we get them as we go along, always struggling for balance.

A little while ago, I attempted to post some incredibly self-defeatist comments about how fat women get “the shorter end of the stick” when it comes to dating….I wholeheartedly apologize for attempting to do so, firstly to YOU and then, to MYSELF. OK….now that’s out of the way….I’ve gotta say that you (and your many co-”prosers”) never cease to amaze me with your insights! I recently received “the speech” about “it’ll happen for you when it’s right…” HOWEVER, it wound up being from someone whom I was intensely attracted to AND they’d had WLS….so I’m not too sure that there wasn’t a hidden message in there somewhere…

But anyhow, thank you for such an insightful post!

I always bitterly loved that “people will love you if you love yourself” thing that was spouted, whilst the world around me kept pushing my face in the fact that I was essentially unloveable by being fat. To the extent that when men *were* interested in me, even though I was fat, I thought there must be something wrong with them to like me. Although I said that about men I *wasn’t* interested in – I think if someone I’d liked myself had liked me when I was fat I’d have tried my hardest to believe it and go with it.

I’m thinner now, and I can’t deny that part of my confidence going out dating had to do with being thinner, but I do know I began to love myself more – but that wasn’t because I was thinner – it was because I stopped believing in the societal demonisation of size.

I just want to tell the single girls out there not to give up. I was 33 when I met my now husband. Before him, I had never, but never been in a relationship. I’d only kissed two guys before him (and I had never kissed anyone until the age of 32). I had liked a few guys here and there, who usually didn’t like me back. I had put myself out there as much as I could bear to in the dating world, dealing with the endless round of failed dates. I’d begun to really think it would never happen; not even because there was anything wrong with me, but because that magic connection where you actually like a guy and he likes you seemed to never materialise for me.

I am now a size 14ish UK, which is I think a size 12 US? So I’m more ‘regular’ sized than I used to be, and that gave me more confidence. But there were (are) still bits of my body that I hated – and I had not only stretchmarks from putting *on* weight, but loose skin from losing weight. I wondered how on earth I could find anyone who would accept me that way. I’d never been naked with anyone. I’d also had laser treatment to get rid of the hirsutism I suffer from, but it wasn’t all gone yet. In my positive moments I tried to believe someone could accept me, but I’d never had any experience of it, and the world around me certainly didn’t tell me anyone would – I had to be perfect to be acceptable.

Well, I met my boy in February, we got engaged in May, and married in August, and we’ve now been married for 5 months, and it’s still under a year from the time we met. He is tall and skinny – actually *under*weight – and so he can’t understand from experience my struggles with weight and body image, but I talk to him about it all the time. I remain amazed at how easy it is to be open and easy with him, to talk to him about my deepest humiliations and fears, and to feel totally accepted, to not worry about putting on a few pounds, to know what it is to be loved, desired – and not only that, but not by someone I ‘comprised’ or ’settled for’ but by someone I adore and laugh with and admire and respect and love. The safety in that is profound.

So – I just want to give out a bit of hope from someone who was absolutely and utterly convinced she’d never find anyone – it really can happen, even for someone who’s never had it before. When the right person comes along, it will work for you. And I so agree that it’s just a matter of damn luck when that will be – not that you shouldn’t try, shouldn’t look, heck I think I was ‘looking’ from the age of about 13. My guy turned up when a friend was visiting from abroad and we all went out to dinner together. There he was. He walked me home afterwards, and we started seeing each other immediately afterwards and the rest was inevitable.

It is impossible to imagine such acceptance and love if you’ve never had it. But even if it’s impossible to imagine, it isn’t impossible. It can happen. I wish it for all of you…

Instead of looking in the mirror and thinking I was pretty – not just my face or my hair but my body too, as I usually had, I compared myself to every smaller girl and hated what I saw. Suddenly my body wasn’t good enough for me anymore.

I wish I could say I found the self-love to get over that on my own. But the truth is that meeting someone I liked and having him like me back, and eventually ending up in a loving and caring relationship, was a big part of me regaining my perspective on myself. I think admitting that we do sometimes need love and approval to feel beautiful and loveable is one of the most honest and confident things that we can do. There’s no better way to help ourselves, whether we’re single or with someone, than to understand that wanting this doesn’t make you weak or flawed. Otherwise, we just give ourselves one more thing to beat ourselves up over. Thanks for a wonderful write!