So Calabasas, California, has apparently become the first town to fulfill Denis Leary’s “in your apartment, under a blanket, with all the lights out” prophecy. Awesome.

And if that weren’t enough, Texas is cracking down on people who get drunk… in bars. A charge that amounts to, as Slate put it, “Drinking While Intoxicated.” Brilliant.

In a few years, I’m gonna be so screwed.